Wife fell out of love

[Billiards Ball]

21 minutes ago, onedirection said:

@Billiards Ball

This would have been great advice a couple months ago, let me give you an update

It hasn't been 6 weeks, the fall out began in late may so it has actually been over 3 months. Prior to this, my wife felt she wasn't loving me 3 YEARS ago at about the time we conceived our 2nd child. She kept it to herself obviously. What confuses me is that along the way she has written love letters, made social media posts, and even drew an M ❤️ W with sidewalk chalk right up until the moment she snapped. Maybe these are character issues, but I can't be the judge.

We have been counseling, but she stopped going to her individual counselor and based on what I've heard, it is clear she has not divulged all of the secrets to how she feels. We're still doing couples counseling, but she refuses to go to one sponsored by the church. If you remember a few posts back, she condemned me for "bible thumping bullsh**". Despite being a christian, she has some old negative baggage because there are religious zealots in her family that have not been very Christ-like towards her. There is a difference between being a christian and being a follower of Christ. This is quite possibly a case of uneven yoke.

I have joined a men's group recently, and while we haven't gone into our individual issues yet, we're working on a plan to bring more disciples to Jesus. This calling has been strengthening and takes some of the focus off of me trying to fix my marriage. I agree I do need to expand my support network, but I also do not want to share my business with the world. I'm hoping to make some good male friend role models around here.

Great!

What happens sometimes in marriage is spouses who are not getting their needs met focus on their children more intently, idolizing them. Your wife doesn't understand that God gets it all and spouses and children come second, as you wrote.

It's time to woo your wife, I think. Have you been pursuing her heart? Romantic dinners by candlelight and etc. or just asking if you can go on a few dates together, the children with a sitter? Start there.

[onedirection]

@Billiards Ball

Yup, you nailed it again. She has even verbally stated at the outset of this, to heck with the marriage, her kids come first and she'll suffer so they get what they need. Months later she recanted that and stated she is frustrated and can't do this forever. Clearly a struggle within is going on. After bashing me for my reading of scripture, she said she is giving it up to God. I have been praying aloud to cast out the spiritual warfare going on in our home.

As for wooing her, no dice man. I really turned up the romantic heat a long while back and she just resists it. Like I mentioned in a previous post, she got mad at me for writing a small love note on a napkin. We were doing dates as well, but she seems to have lost interest in those. I gave her a schedule of cool date ideas and asked if she would get her mom to babysit, but she has decided against it. She even told the counselor that dates won't help and that it isn't the problem.

[Billiards Ball]

7 minutes ago, onedirection said:

@Billiards Ball

Yup, you nailed it again. She has even verbally stated at the outset of this, to heck with the marriage, her kids come first and she'll suffer so they get what they need. Months later she recanted that and stated she is frustrated and can't do this forever. Clearly a struggle within is going on. After bashing me for my reading of scripture, she said she is giving it up to God. I have been praying aloud to cast out the spiritual warfare going on in our home.

As for wooing her, no dice man. I really turned up the romantic heat a long while back and she just resists it. Like I mentioned in a previous post, she got mad at me for writing a small love note on a napkin. We were doing dates as well, but she seems to have lost interest in those. I gave her a schedule of cool date ideas and asked if she would get her mom to babysit, but she has decided against it. She even told the counselor that dates won't help and that it isn't the problem.

Now you need accountability from her, then:

"I'm open to a divorce but I need to know your grounds. 1) Were you ever in love with me? 2) If you were in love, did I do something that made you fall out of love, etc.?"

Are you really open to divorce? No, biblically you are being true where she is not. However, since Jesus does allow divorce for adultery... you need to know what's happening, from her.

A woman who is in love wants that napkin note. A woman who has decided she doesn't love the husband and doesn't wish to be wooed is either broken inside (why?) or cheating (why? when?). For her sake, she needs to get help. You need peace.

You will behave rightly due to scripture, but scripture and her faith/lack of believing faith have nothing to do with the marriage bed and marriage peace being held in honor by all.

Once you know what is happening, you can decide to 1) keep the marriage going for the kids and for God's will 2) decide whether you should be spending money on counseling for you only and not wasting it her way (!), etc.

[onedirection]

@Billiards Ball

I feel like I've gotten two answers on this subject. On one hand she says "she wants that feeling again" and declares that she loved me. But she also said that while working with the counselor she realized that maybe she didn't "love me that deeply". Recently she said we rushed things at that it was a mistake. She also described me as the "safe" option. You see, I swooped in while she was single and lonely, struggling as a single mom. I was nice to her and provided all of the things she could never have and I did it very rapidly. It was a whirlwind of emotion for her coupled with the honeymoon period which I'm sure was very intoxicating for her.

When she lost her job and became a stay at home mom, things got very stressful for both of us. She was stressed out chasing toddlers all day and I was resentful that she spent so much time watching TV when I was working overtime to make ends meet. Did I do something to make her fall out of love? Yes! It takes two to tango, but I'll focus on my faults instead of hers. I've been demanding, judgemental, angry, drunk, and not empathetic. Through my walk with Christ I've been able to eliminate those one by one and now I begin to feel the fruits of the holy spirit: love, joy, peace, kindness, patience...

Several other marriage forums have suggested infidelity, but I'm certain I have ruled that out. She is the type of person that if she wanted out, she would just leave. She wouldn't risk being caught in an affair, because the judge would award the children to me. Being broken inside appears to be a more logical conclusion, which is why I believe it will take some type of conviction that will bring her to Christ, or she'll choose the dark side and leave.

I'm not sure that I am entitled to peace through her. I believe I will be given peace in God's time. If that is the case, I'm not sure we can push her for an answer. Every time I ask her for her plan or thoughts she just keeps replying with confusion and uncertainty. That is a tough pill to swallow because without that peace it is hard to focus on anything else in my life and I'm certain God wouldn't want me distracted in this way forever, because I need to get out there and share the good Word.

 

[Billiards Ball]

1) You are entitled to the same peace as I have, "peace not like the world gives," that is, amazing peace and forgiveness, despite current circumstances. Plead for that urgently with God, today.

2) Marriages that start with "I settled for this marriage" can blossom into AMAZING marriages.

3) No one is forced to be a stay-at-home parent. Start there, either with her now, or in the next counseling session. "You said the stress of homemaking is hurting our marriage and adding to resentment for me, can we get you back out of the house and into the workforce for a while? Our marriage must be strong or our love for our children and wishes for their best get compromised."

4) Most counselors report that most/all couples come to them too late, when partners resent one another. Counseling comes after connection is lost. For couples with great connection/great love/great sex, the problems all magically are small. People go to counselors when they've fallen out of love and connection. Emphasize your desire to rebuild connection in counseling, and find a counselor who can help you both with this NEED. CONNECTION is the single greatest need in marriage, and even strong marriages with strong wives include wives who need frequent affirmation/touching/hugs/acts of service/all five love languages.

5) Sure she's confused, hurting. You've both done some things. Now let's make sure a) your counselor is born again, emphasizing the Word and forgiveness b) she and you don't substitute one idol (children, searching for self-identity) for another (marriage) and c) you move from pressing her "What's wrong? Why are you confused?" to leadership/headship "I want to solve your stress by getting you out of the house more/watching the kids more/getting you into the workplace/taking you on a vacation without the children". BE THAT MAN, THAT CHRISTIAN LEADER GUY.

This plus a little time should work everything out!

[onedirection]

@Billiards Ball

Very cool, I am in fact doing a lot of these things. I'm going to read through this a few times and try to prepare for our next counseling session.

I did get her back into the workforce, so at least she is doing something constructive with her time, because before she was chasing one addiction after another.

I will pray for peace very hard every day, multiple times per day.

Our counselor does understand the points of the bible and has referenced them in our discussions, but I don't know if it was academic or her true beliefs. If this session isn't helpful, I think it will be time to fire her.

I did initiate a discussion with her earlier this week about what I can do to help and tried to take a leadership role, but she interprets this as a "boss / employee" relationship and starts to shut down. I need to figure out a way to come off as a leader but not a dictator. If I just stay silent, I'm not sure if that will do service to this process. She also doesn't like my logical approach to problem solving. If I bring up any of the self-help books that are proven to work, she shuts down and just wants to live off of emotion day to day. I responded that this is a typical guy / girl scenario where men are problem solvers and women are emotional. Then she said "well no, I dated other men that were more emotional". That was a real kick in the teeth, given I just read this exact explanation in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

[Billiards Ball]

The best leaders are servants. Instead of "I insist you get back to work," you probably said, "Even though it's more work for me, I'm excited if you choose to go back to work, so that this stress of always watching the kids can come off," right? Just keep leading while using words and actions that are of serving.

The counselor's firing should be a mutual decision--I bet there's a way you can phrase it and a way to sell a more biblical counselor to your spouse. You can also witness to the counselor with or without your spouse present and see where the current counselor is aligned with God.

Part of marriage is to love the other person, not the grass-is-greener imaginary man who is "more emotional"--or even says, "let's live day by day and go with emotion". Here are suggestions:

1) You both put down the answers to marriage questions both ways. You write down what you think the logical solution is AND what her emotions tell her today/tomorrow, putting them both at the top of the paper with equal weight. Compare, contrast and learn--this is different than you both daydreaming about marriage to more logical or emotional people. God tends to put opposites in marriage so they don't destroy themselves and others!

2) You walk a mile in her shoes, dropping the analytical robot in you (in us!) and LIVE. Do something with or without your wife that involves emotion but not danger, like drunkenness. Go to a park for an hour and LISTEN to the animals and wind, and if you can hear Him--God, without dissecting. Take a long swim or a sauna or go to the beach without a todo list. LIVE. 

3) Start saying to your wife things like, "My logical brain says X, but my gut says Y," and be a bit more emotion-based, so you learn, and so she sees you growing towards her.

[onedirection]

I like the idea about comparing the logical solution to the emotional one, however the whole paper and pen thing to her immediately becomes logical and she shuts down. I had a notepad out during a talk with her because I needed to organize my thoughts, and she said "See, this is what I hate!". So now I have to rehearse and memorize all the conversations I want to have. I think I can present that verbally in counseling instead.

I like the X and Y approach as well, I'll practice on weaving that into conversation.

[Heybro]

Marilyn, I applaud you on your Godly counsel to onedirection, and I humbly apologise, for I had seen this trait too, but I neglected to address it earlier, that's "my bad" and in future, by God's grace, I will be more pro-active. Dear brother, please take heed, we are here to help you both, and it's our fervent prayer that not only that both of you will come through this trial, to and for God's Glory, amen.

[Marilyn C]

14 hours ago, onedirection said:

Yes it appears it all comes back to time. The not in love problem is coming from her, I don't have any problem with love. I'm ready to pick this back up at any moment.

Regarding the kiddies I actually spend more time with them now that she has gone back to work because I work from home, so I get to bring them to school, pick them up, plus I tend to be more hands on anyway.

She likes to play with the kids for about an hour and then she's over it. I laid in bed last night with my 4 year old while she screamed in my ear for a solid 30 minutes because of some tantrum she was having. Make no doubt about it, I am what they call a Super Dad.

Unfortunately that isn't enough to turn the old lady on

Back to serving!

Hi onedirection,

My dear bro, you have some rather big blind spots affecting your sight. Let me show you. You said -

`I don't have any problem with love. I'm ready to pick this back up at any moment.`  Love is not something you put down and pick up.

`She likes to play with the kids for about an hour and then she's over it.`  That is a judgmental attitude. Your wife needs to do other jobs and responsibilities, such a preparing tea, housework etc. after working outside the home.

`...my 4 year old while she screamed in my ear for a solid 30 minutes because of some tantrum she was having.`  You do not let your child scream for 30 mins. It is unhealthy and definitely not setting boundaries for your child.

`Make no doubt about it, I am what they call a Super Dad.`  That is so, so prideful bro. I would say - super stupid for you then call your wife  `the old lady.`

`Unfortunately that isn't enough to turn the old lady on.`   You continue to shoot yourself in the foot bro. And I`m amazed your wife has stayed with you as long as she has. Sex is NOT love. And Pride comes before a fall and that is what is happening to you, falling.....falling....until you reach the bottom and humble yourself as God says and not as your mind thinks.

Marilyn and Trevor.