Christian advice

[Anonymouz]

Hi I am a Christian looking for some good advice. I came here because I can’t ask my parents about this. They are the problem. I am 16 years old with three siblings and all of them and my parents are saved. My parents have been married for over 20 years and I noticed a few months ago that they were acting different. They have started to fight on a regular basis and it is getting worse every time. They have also started to sleep in different rooms and on one occasion my dad left for a few days and went to stay at a hotel. I have overheard a couple of fights and the last one seemed pretty bad. They were saying things like “This whole relationship I have been trying to dance around and  try to not make you mad”, not in those words but it had that meaning. Most of my life before my dad went to work every morning they would hug each other and tell each other that they love each other and they would say a prayer together every morning. Lately they hardly ever talk to each other unless it is to fight. I just don’t know what to do and I’m afraid of a divorce. Me and my older sibling (who is moved out now) are afraid to say anything because we know they will probably get mad at us and say it is none of our business. It has gotten so bad though that I feel a responsibility to take some action. Can someone please help!

[OneLight]

This is a tough one since your siblings have moved out and you are alone at home.  It would be a good idea if you and your siblings got together and sat down with your parents, letting them know you are concerned about their marriage.  There is no need to get into the reasons why they are having trouble, but that you are well aware of the changes and it is your collective hope that they try to resolve their issues.  If they can see how it is affecting you all, then they may turn their focus in a different direction.   Maybe suggest marriage counseling from a christian counselor?

[enoob57]

You did not speak of your own salvation but is assumed since you seek council with the family of God   Excellent advice from above as it is a family matter not just the husband and wife but the whole of family... It certainly has prodded my heart to beg mercy for you and them in this situation as marriage is foundational aspect of relationship for all of eternity (Christ and His Church) and thank s be to God that He is opposed to divorce … Prayed... Love, Steven

[Anonymouz]

Actually Onelight only my 19 year old sister has moved out but my two younger siblings (or at least one of them) are not old enough to understand.

[OneLight]

6 minutes ago, Anonymouz said:

Actually Onelight only my 19 year old sister has moved out but my two younger siblings (or at least one of them) are not old enough to understand.

I would still collectively approach them as a family, even if the younger one does not understand.   This is a family concern and the parents will need to remember that this is not just their problem.  If this seems too hard for you, maybe you can ask your pastor for help.

[Anonymouz]

I have thought a lot about approaching them about this but I just have no idea what to say to them. Especially without upsetting them more. 

[OneLight]

Nothing can be more effective than the truth.  Come right out and tell them you are scared that your family is falling apart and you feel completely helpless in the matter.  Tell them how it hurts you and your siblings, how you feel left out and pushed aside.  This is a family, not just a marriage.

[wingnut-]

3 hours ago, Anonymouz said:

Hi I am a Christian looking for some good advice. I came here because I can’t ask my parents about this. They are the problem. I am 16 years old with three siblings and all of them and my parents are saved. My parents have been married for over 20 years and I noticed a few months ago that they were acting different. They have started to fight on a regular basis and it is getting worse every time. They have also started to sleep in different rooms and on one occasion my dad left for a few days and went to stay at a hotel. I have overheard a couple of fights and the last one seemed pretty bad. They were saying things like “This whole relationship I have been trying to dance around and  try to not make you mad”, not in those words but it had that meaning. Most of my life before my dad went to work every morning they would hug each other and tell each other that they love each other and they would say a prayer together every morning. Lately they hardly ever talk to each other unless it is to fight. I just don’t know what to do and I’m afraid of a divorce. Me and my older sibling (who is moved out now) are afraid to say anything because we know they will probably get mad at us and say it is none of our business. It has gotten so bad though that I feel a responsibility to take some action. Can someone please help!

 

I just want to echo the good advice you have already received and let you know that I am praying for your family.

God bless

[GandalfTheWise]

3 hours ago, Anonymouz said:

Hi I am a Christian looking for some good advice. I came here because I can’t ask my parents about this. They are the problem. I am 16 years old with three siblings and all of them and my parents are saved. My parents have been married for over 20 years and I noticed a few months ago that they were acting different. They have started to fight on a regular basis and it is getting worse every time. They have also started to sleep in different rooms and on one occasion my dad left for a few days and went to stay at a hotel. I have overheard a couple of fights and the last one seemed pretty bad. They were saying things like “This whole relationship I have been trying to dance around and  try to not make you mad”, not in those words but it had that meaning. Most of my life before my dad went to work every morning they would hug each other and tell each other that they love each other and they would say a prayer together every morning. Lately they hardly ever talk to each other unless it is to fight. I just don’t know what to do and I’m afraid of a divorce. Me and my older sibling (who is moved out now) are afraid to say anything because we know they will probably get mad at us and say it is none of our business. It has gotten so bad though that I feel a responsibility to take some action. Can someone please help!

The main thing is prayerfully consider what God wants you and your older sister to do.   If you have an experienced pastor or Christian counselor you could talk to for advice, that might be helpful.  The only caveat I'd give is that depending on your church and your parents relationships there, some caution might be needed about your parent's reaction to a pastor finding out about their problems behind their back.  Perhaps if you have some friends in another church that you visit, or if your older sister goes to a different church, perhaps getting advice from a pastor or counselor in a different church might be the way to go.  

Speaking as one married for 30+ years, there are times when long term things just build up over time.  Long term stress at work, unresolved frustrations with a spouse, pressure from various things, can just build up if unresolved.  On top of that, add in the very real reality that there spiritual forces in the world that want to attack Christian marriages.   Often Christian couples simply don't know where to go, who to talk to, or how to deal with things.  Sadly, many Christians feel pressure to be forgiving, patient, tolerant, etc. and just let things keep building up and feeling guilty and an obligation to just make things work by being a good Christian.  At some point, the load can become too much to bear alone.   In addition, I'm assuming your parents are in their 40s or so.  That's also an age where some people start to seriously look at their lives and wonder what they've gotten themselves into. 

Based on your description of a fairly normal family life previously (with no issues of drug abuse, violence, or anything like that mentioned), I doubt that personal safety seems to be an issue.  For example, if your mom or dad were an alcoholic with a history of violent outbursts of temper, bringing up various issues could trigger a bad reaction.   Based on how you've described your family, chances are that you and your older sister doing or saying something is unlikely to make things worse.  There are already major problems that have probably been building for years that you were unaware of.  Your parents are already hurting in some ways.  If they get angry with you saying something, it's very likely a response of hurt and pain, not of anger toward you.  Don't let an initial negative reaction affect you too much, if you were trying to clean and tend a deep and painful wound on one of their hands, chances are you'd get a few "Ouch!!!" comments and grimaces and groans because it hurts.  When someone is injured, we take it for granted that not all their responses will be positive ones when we try to help and that we have to be patient and maybe weather some negative reactions.

I note that you expressed yourself well in the OP.  Writing a letter to them might be a possibility.  It would give them a chance to process what you say a bit more than immediately reacting if you say it in person.  Just make sure to phrase things carefully because without body language accompanying written things, it can sometimes be easy to misread the tone and miss a few meanings.  Just express your concern, fears, and love for them.   Also clearly express your desire that they do something to be healed and whole so that your family and home could be a place of peace, love, and tranquility.  Sometimes a couple can work through things on their own, sometimes not.  An experienced pastor or Christian counselor can often help a couple work through common problems.  Chances are that what your parents are going through is similar to what many other Christian couples have struggled with.  Be sure to express optimism and encouragement that they are capable of moving forward.   

To repeat the first line, the main thing is prayerfully consider what God wants you and your older sister to do. 

[Anonymouz]

I just heard my dad saying something and he sounded more upset than I have ever heard him in my entire life. I could just heard the words “I don’t care” and I could tell he was crying while he said it. I feel that if I wait even one more week it might be too late. I know I can’t say anything until my parents calm down but WHAT SHOULD I DO. OH GOD, WHAT SHOULD I DO!