what is the point of "waiting for marriage"

[GandalfTheWise]

On 9/13/2021 at 12:09 PM, Kenzie said:

Please don't judge me, I seriously would appreciate some advice.

If one starts engaging in a lot of casual sex with many partners, the net result often ends up being some combination of sex losing its special meaning and picking up a lot of baggage from every bad experience that you then start to inflict on future partners.  You also lose out on building special first-time memories and experiences with a life-long partner.  Instead of all of those first-time experiences being shared with a person you are with for many many years, you'll leave a string of those special memories in the past with people you likely won't see again, or if you do, there can be competing bonds between multiple people.  The potential of STDs, pregnancy, and picking up emotional hurts and baggage, and having old partners who might unexpectedly show up again is something that will then affect your marriage in the future.  Marriage is hard enough with dragging in self-inflected baggage.

We have a choice of choosing one life partner to have as many as possible of those special memories and experiences with which becomes part of building a strong life-long bond and walking this journey of life together, or we can leave a trail of special memories and feelings behind us in a way that pulls us backwards toward other people instead of forward with our life-long partner.  There will inevitably be rough stretches in a marriage and mentally dabbling in nostalgia toward some past partner will do nothing to help the marriage.

I was a virgin on my wedding night and am pushing 40 years of marriage.  I've had no relations outside of marriage.  I cannot imagine having all those first experiences with a series of past girl friends or one night stands, etc., or having a series of painful breakups or hurts or bad experiences pulling at me.   Now, the reality is marriage is hard.  You both change over time and your relationship needs to change over time to adapt. It takes ongoing effort.  A good friend once described marriage as having three stages, infatuation, disillusionment, and then a slowly growing contentment and satisfaction.  Casual one night stands and multiple partners create an expectation of constant novelty and infatuation and can create a habit of moving on as soon as disillusionment starts to set in.  People in essence lose the ability to work on a relationship which is a necessity to have a satisfying long-term marriage.

Now as a practical comment likely to draw the ire of some.  There are two issues about marriage that need to be dealt with for Christians.  The first is finding a good partner to marry as God leads you to them.  The second is one that many Christian couples mess up on, and that is when to get married.  Many couples make a mistake in setting indefinite future marriage plans years in the future like after college or after getting good jobs or after getting out of debt, etc.  I think this is a mistake for many Christian couples as that pre-marital time is one of naturally growing closer emotionally which naturally draws us to increase physical intimacy, but putting off marriage for years until graduation frequently messes up that natural process of getting emotionally and physically closer and results in frustration and guilt.   It's a lot easier to wait for the wedding which is set in three months than it is to wait for some unknown period of time that stretches into several months to years.  I personally make a big distinction between Christians that get involved with causal sex with multiple partners or have an ongoing series of boy-friends or girl-friends that they get heavily involved with (both of which are likely to lead to a lot of baggage in the future) versus a Christian couple whose main mistake is not setting a reasonable timeline for marriage and end up having trouble keeping their hands off each other before the wedding.   The one is leaving a string of emotional attachments and memories with a string of partners which will emotionally split them and the other is having all those attachments and memories with a lifelong partner.

 

[Emy]

On 9/13/2021 at 8:09 PM, Kenzie said:

I am in college and feel as if I am missing out. It is also discouraging that people who identify as christian (my friends) have casual sex.  It confuses me. I then hear Christians talk about how they were sexually promiscuous and then decided to get saved and all is forgiven. I am 19 and I've tried praying and reading my bible, but I feel just so disconnected. Also, I kinda have the feeling that if I do wait, most likely my future husband will not be a virgin too, which then it feels like it was for nothing. And I say that because so many guys I know are not and are not interested to do that. Even those who identify as christian. I go to a catholic university which confuses me more. This is something that I truly struggle with. I've talked to my parents about it and before they were strict on advising to wait, but now, even though they advise to wait still, they just tell me to be wise. Please don't judge me, I seriously would appreciate some advice.  

Hello  Kenzie,

many things have been said but one thing I want to say is let your focus be on God not on your friends or your future husband. Your waiting is not for your husband its for God who is the rewarder of those who obey Him. We do everything only for God’s glory, focusing on people will bring you lots of confusion.

[CaptWalker]

Well for what it's worth just thought i would point out the minimum age for marriage in many states is 16 or 17. And there are a few that are as low as 14 and even 12(which i won't mention). And i believe 4 states have no official minimum age, whatever that means? But despite what any laws state, what has always been true as a believer still is, and oddly enough even with so much apostate teachings going on in many churches most of those corrupt preachers would still agree on the idea of waiting to marry.  And the decision to marry still usually doesn't happen until one is at least 21 years old, and even that is considered way too you among many Christians. And i would also point out that if you are planning on attending a Christian college/university that a lot of them don't even allow fraternizing/dating while you are there, but that may only apply if it is with someone else also attending, but not sure? And that also could have changed over the past few years with all these new LGBT rights, and them also being allowed to attend.  

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by CaptWalker

[JohnD]

On 9/13/2021 at 12:09 PM, Kenzie said:

I am in college and feel as if I am missing out. It is also discouraging that people who identify as christian (my friends) have casual sex.  It confuses me. I then hear Christians talk about how they were sexually promiscuous and then decided to get saved and all is forgiven. I am 19 and I've tried praying and reading my bible, but I feel just so disconnected. Also, I kinda have the feeling that if I do wait, most likely my future husband will not be a virgin too, which then it feels like it was for nothing. And I say that because so many guys I know are not and are not interested to do that. Even those who identify as christian. I go to a catholic university which confuses me more. This is something that I truly struggle with. I've talked to my parents about it and before they were strict on advising to wait, but now, even though they advise to wait still, they just tell me to be wise. Please don't judge me, I seriously would appreciate some advice.  

I am not speaking as one who waited until marriage, but as one who wished I waited until marriage. Christian psychologist Dr. James Dobson spoke of the benefits of waiting until married... certainly many of which I will never know. Like giving that gift to my Beloved Bride (now married 41 years).

1 Corinthians 6 or 7 mentions a spiritual joining through sexual intercourse.

Going on just these two points alone, you are at the place where you have the option never to have experienced these down sides. Not to mention ever even having to consider abortion... no matter what, abortion takes the life of your baby. ← no matter the excuses or denials...

Everyone knows how hard it is to have "the itch..."  it can be dealt with by personal / individual means. And no, God's judgment on Onan was not about that but rather his willingness to have sex with his brother's widow but not to raise up children to his dead brother's name.

There are numerous sexually transmitted diseases out there that could kill you or give you genital lesions off and on the rest of your life. You could catch herpes. Then what? You meet Mr. Perfect and you'd either give him herpes or you'd have to miss out on him, his love, and the life and family you two could have had...  

The devil and Hollywood and peer pressure pain sex in a very deceptive way for the naive.

Suppose one of those potential lovers turns out to be an abuser who stalks you or worse? Think about that missing girl in Utah (I believe her remains were found).

The longer you live, the more you'll realize most people [act] normal and are not... most [pretend] to be sane but have issues which society masks now more than ever... calling it OCD or BIPOLAR etc...

Do you want to risk being tethered to someone like that for life (if you have a child with the) or who mates for life with someone they have "casual sex" with?

If one cannot say no to fornication (sex outside of marriage)... what makes you think adultery will be any different? 

I have never cheated on my Beloved Bride, I am happy to say. I love her that much. That's another reason why I wish I could have given her my virginity as well.

You have a lot to think about / pray about. God can and does forgive us our transgressions. But it is better to d things God's way in the first place.

[Figure of eighty]

On 9/14/2021 at 10:54 AM, Hobie_ said:

Sin seems very fun till you pay the price, then its much confusion and sorrow..

Yes very true. I decided to have sex ect...  I have 2 kids im at home at 30 bc of it. Their dad isnt worth too much. Ive been treated like a burden by my family bc of it. Dreams on hold.

Its not worth it. I only pray my daughter and son dont go down my path. The wait is worth it.

[Figure of eighty]

1 hour ago, JohnD said:

I am not speaking as one who waited until marriage, but as one who wished I waited until marriage. Christian psychologist Dr. James Dobson spoke of the benefits of waiting until married... certainly many of which I will never know. Like giving that gift to my Beloved Bride (now married 41 years).

1 Corinthians 6 or 7 mentions a spiritual joining through sexual intercourse.

Going on just these two points alone, you are at the place where you have the option never to have experienced these down sides. Not to mention ever even having to consider abortion... no matter what, abortion takes the life of your baby. ← no matter the excuses or denials...

Everyone knows how hard it is to have "the itch..."  it can be dealt with by personal / individual means. And no, God's judgment on Onan was not about that but rather his willingness to have sex with his brother's widow but not to raise up children to his dead brother's name.

There are numerous sexually transmitted diseases out there that could kill you or give you genital lesions off and on the rest of your life. You could catch herpes. Then what? You meet Mr. Perfect and you'd either give him herpes or you'd have to miss out on him, his love, and the life and family you two could have had...  

The devil and Hollywood and peer pressure pain sex in a very deceptive way for the naive.

Suppose one of those potential lovers turns out to be an abuser who stalks you or worse? Think about that missing girl in Utah (I believe her remains were found).

The longer you live, the more you'll realize most people [act] normal and are not... most [pretend] to be sane but have issues which society masks now more than ever... calling it OCD or BIPOLAR etc...

Do you want to risk being tethered to someone like that for life (if you have a child with the) or who mates for life with someone they have "casual sex" with?

If one cannot say no to fornication (sex outside of marriage)... what makes you think adultery will be any different? 

I have never cheated on my Beloved Bride, I am happy to say. I love her that much. That's another reason why I wish I could have given her my virginity as well.

You have a lot to think about / pray about. God can and does forgive us our transgressions. But it is better to d things God's way in the first place.

Yes to this. Is that gabby petito you're talking about?

[ForHisGlory37]

Hi Kenzie!  I just wanted to encourage you with some very good video series on Youtube.  Ben Stuart has a series about Dating, engagement, Marriage..... very very good.    It is even good for married couples to watch it too! 

I know that it is hard because everyone is doing "it"  but keep yourself holy for the Lord our God is holy.  Ask Him to help you and He will.  Blessings!