How to handle situation with non believing husband

[Thewhitedove]

My husband is a non believer, as you know. Last night he joined some friends for a 'boys night' to a city about a 3 hour train journey from where we live. A huge European capital city that isn't very safe, where they just went drinking. My husband told me he would be bunking in with his friends in a hotel. 

It's the morning where I am, and my husband came home earlier than expected, no bag, looking dishevelled. Turns out he had booked his own apartment and couldn't get in. I'm assuming he was too drunk and tried getting into the wrong apartment but basically he was homeless last night. He went to a City Centre Mc Donalds where he slept and waited for the train station to open. 

I am obviously relieved he is OK. I prayed for him last night, and God protected him. However, anything could have happened to him. We have 3 young kids and my husband is in his 40s; not a silly teenager.  All his belongings are still in the apartment, including a very expensive designer bag I bought him for his 40th birthday. The bag doesn't matter obviously but I'm just annoyed that he seems to have such an immature approach to all of the blessings in his life.

From a selfish point of view, it wasn't much fun for me stuck on my own with 3 young kids just for him to get so drunk that he could have been killed. 

He is sleeping now. He says he is a bit traumatised as the city centre was so rough. It really is a place that you would not want to be stuck in the early hours of the morning: think serious gangs. I don't know how to handle this without seeming like his mother. I'm sorry, I think it was completely idiotic that he ended up in that position. 

[ladypeartree]

Not whist you are angry . My daughter is in a similar situation  both she and her husband are early 40's with 6 children ranging from 19 to 6  He has just gone to Spain in a " stag week "  and is spending almost every weekend drinking till he cant work the following day and often crashing on a friends couch as he is too drunk to get home . My immediate reaction would be " If you want to behave like a teenager go elsewhere " but that is my hang up from an abusive marriage NOT a good way to react at all. PRAY and try to talk when you are not angry and he is not still feeling foolish as I have no doubt he is after such a traumatic experience, It wont help to remind him how stupid his choices were . maybe  allow him to realise for himself so he never choses that again ? Most men dont like being reminded of there stupidity and will be even more stubborn  when reminded of it 

[Thewhitedove]

LadyPear I'm sorry that your daughter is facing similar. Thankfully my husband has cut his drinking down to special occasions but he used to be like your son in law. So did I, actually. 

Thank you for your advice. I'll refrain from speaking in anger and just pray for him. I'm praying that this will bring him to his knees before God. 

[Thewhitedove]

My husband is now awake and rather than being brought to his knees, thinks that what happened last night is funny. May God have mercy on him, and me, because I'm so annoyed that I can hardly look at him. 

[Who me]

5 hours ago, Thewhitedove said:

. I don't know how to handle this without seeming like his mother. I'm sorry, I think it was completely idiotic that he ended up in that position. 

I think you have every right to be annoyed, about his behaviour and about the risks he tool and how it could affect you.

 

That said how do you respond?

 

A practical approach is to let him know you do not find it funny, but very immature example of a mid life crises, treat it as a little boys activity.

Ask him to double his life insurance and pension payments so if something does happen next time you will be more than adequately looked after and should he be injured in a mugging that he would get care.

[ladypeartree]

Many of these regressed teenagers have to make light of what they KNOW  was a foolish and dangerous situation in order to " save face " KEEP CALM  do NOT react with anger or you will have lost the cause Think of how you would treat this if it were to happen with one of your children in a not too distant future   Praying for you 

[JimmyB]

7 hours ago, Thewhitedove said:

My husband is a non believer, as you know. Last night he joined some friends for a 'boys night' to a city about a 3 hour train journey from where we live. A huge European capital city that isn't very safe, where they just went drinking. My husband told me he would be bunking in with his friends in a hotel. 

It's the morning where I am, and my husband came home earlier than expected, no bag, looking dishevelled. Turns out he had booked his own apartment and couldn't get in. I'm assuming he was too drunk and tried getting into the wrong apartment but basically he was homeless last night. He went to a City Centre Mc Donalds where he slept and waited for the train station to open. 

I am obviously relieved he is OK. I prayed for him last night, and God protected him. However, anything could have happened to him. We have 3 young kids and my husband is in his 40s; not a silly teenager.  All his belongings are still in the apartment, including a very expensive designer bag I bought him for his 40th birthday. The bag doesn't matter obviously but I'm just annoyed that he seems to have such an immature approach to all of the blessings in his life.

From a selfish point of view, it wasn't much fun for me stuck on my own with 3 young kids just for him to get so drunk that he could have been killed. 

He is sleeping now. He says he is a bit traumatised as the city centre was so rough. It really is a place that you would not want to be stuck in the early hours of the morning: think serious gangs. I don't know how to handle this without seeming like his mother. I'm sorry, I think it was completely idiotic that he ended up in that position. 

It's okay to "act like his mother" in this situation.  Husbands and wives are to love each other, meaning that they should be aware that everything they do affects their spouse.  You should sit down and have a frank talk with him about how his behavior worries you.  He must learn that his actions affect others.

It might be advisable to seek counselling if it can't be resolved on your own.

[Thewhitedove]

I said to him 'I think your partying days are finished. You are in your 40s with 3 children who need you to be alive. I don't need to tell you how vulnerable you were last night'. He agreed and we left it at that. 

[Tzephanyahu]

Hi @Thewhitedove

I'm sorry to hear that you continuing to have difficulty with your husband.

I think it's a good thing that you get support from friends and advice from others.  But that said, does your husband know you post about him on here?  It feels like I've seen a lot of posts about him in the past. He might know all about and is fine with it - in which case, may you get the appropriate advice from a wise source, and you can stop reading here  

But, if your husband doesn't know, I would consider this matter deeply before continuing to post about him.

If I found out my wife was posting like this, even though my personal name wouldn't be broadcast publicly, I would be very hurt, disrespected and distanced.  As I imagine you would be, if he was continuing to post about you in Atheist forums.  Or, to put it another way, would you feel happy sharing all of your posts with him this evening?

Now, don't get me wrong, I think it is very important at times to reach out for external advice on a marriage.  In some cases, it can save a lot of heartache and even individuals from very abusive situations. Nevertheless, it would be wise for you to assess to what constitutes as a genuine call for help versus a genuine complaint before you post.  Of course, the latter is understandable, as you are in a very difficult situation.  But be careful you don't find yourself suddenly standing unrighteously before God on this matter.  

I hope you understand the heart of this message and not the initial reaction.

Peace.

[Thewhitedove]

7 hours ago, Tzephanyahu said:

Hi @Thewhitedove

I'm sorry to hear that you continuing to have difficulty with your husband.

I think it's a good thing that you get support from friends and advice from others.  But that said, does your husband know you post about him on here?  It feels like I've seen a lot of posts about him in the past. He might know all about and is fine with it - in which case, may you get the appropriate advice from a wise source, and you can stop reading here  

But, if your husband doesn't know, I would consider this matter deeply before continuing to post about him.

If I found out my wife was posting like this, even though my personal name wouldn't be broadcast publicly, I would be very hurt, disrespected and distanced.  As I imagine you would be, if he was continuing to post about you in Atheist forums.  Or, to put it another way, would you feel happy sharing all of your posts with him this evening?

Now, don't get me wrong, I think it is very important at times to reach out for external advice on a marriage.  In some cases, it can save a lot of heartache and even individuals from very abusive situations. Nevertheless, it would be wise for you to assess to what constitutes as a genuine call for help versus a genuine complaint before you post.  Of course, the latter is understandable, as you are in a very difficult situation.  But be careful you don't find yourself suddenly standing unrighteously before God on this matter.  

I hope you understand the heart of this message and not the initial reaction.

Peace.

You're right. Totally right and no, he doesn't know. I feel like I'm so ill equipped to a) be a Christian wife and b)the wife of an unbeliever that I don't know where to turn. You're right though. I've a lot to think about.