Feel im too weak for christianity..

[RdJ]

1 hour ago, warrior12 said:

I remember those very questions when I first encountered the spiritual afflictions that petrified me and I felt so lonely and frankly lost as to what to do. I had one sister only who I confided with in my situation and she talked and prayed with me, but the issues were still there. I still had to get up and go to work exhausted from the hours of constant rebuke and prayer and believe me, these things kept me from sleeping.  I know others would say, the devil cannot do that to a person who give their life to Jesus, but it did. 

Since my problem was not of a physical type, I had a job, income and could pay all my expenses, ect.  So that part of my journey was ok, but the harrasment and abuse of the spiritual nature was just as wearisome as you are having and yes the anxiety that came by force.  I was determine, I am not going to give in to the demands of the devil for my soul at all cost, and I mean at all cost and I even use to think of Paul words,  for the worst case , absent of the body is presence with the Lord.

I do understand you just want things to be normal like it seems with everyone esle, but that is an illusion that everyone esle is normal.   Tons of people are afraid to share what goes on in their lives, as people may think they have mental issues and avoid them.

You ask what do you do.   First and foremost, you have to be concrete about your salvation and that you are heaven bound no matter what happens here on earth.  Pain and suffering, no one knows why each has the trials they have , even though the choices they made maybe have not been good ones at the time. One of my sister who has passed on now and who was a great help to me use to pound this into me, that if you keep trusting in the Lord, the devil cannot have victory over your soul.

If you become dependent on meds , then that will be an additionl burden to deal with, so you have to be careful of it's long term use.  At one point I did not sleep for about 4 months in a row day in day out, it is true and I wonder if that was even possible for a person and still had to work ect.  I even went to the doc for something to fall asleep, bought it took 1 or two and it did not help. When I read what those meds were, I threw them out and somehow, I got back into sleeping again. I know my problem was not a physical one and depended on the Lord to see me thru.  The thing is the devil comes to say, that there is no help and that is where you immerse yourself in scripture, the Psalms I read when needed confidence and assurances.

I or other here may not know the full and entire details of your living situation ,that seems to be most of your woes.  When in survival mode, you have to do things to survive legally at that.  No shame in knocking on the government services again and again. You have two small kids and they have to provide shelter and some survival means to keep you in a stable manner, while you work out other solutions.  I know you said you were doing things to better your skills ect., but your piorities has to be what is needed right now.    In the province I live in Canada, there are social worker that will visit people who are in desperate situation and take immidiate action to help that person.  You may not have fixes for the situation in your life immediately, but don't discount what God can do.  There are tons of testimonies of those situations.  

listen, do you know how many times I cried out, not acutally cried but ask God, "where are you Lord ", as I just wanted my situation to get better and have a normal life. Well I am 64 now and though the intesity of my sturggles has lessen quite a bit as the enemy knows, I am not giving in to his demands, I still have to deal with things that come to test my faith.  I would like to relate some of my more personal trials and battles I had to face , but not here as it would be here for life, which a person very private and personal life should not be.

All that said, I think your help has to come from your state and the resources there to help you.   My belief, if you are faithful to the Lord Jesus Christ, he will make a way, however that is and later on you will look back and see that he is true to his promises. Don't give in to give up on life, it is your gift and you have a right to live it, even with the trials and tribulations that seem so very hard to bear.

The following words are powerful and makes a great demand on the believer, how each sees and injest it is a different matter as it say words we don't like to hear.

Romans 8  King James Version

¹⁷ And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

¹⁸ For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

You had to do it all alone? You got no help? I always stood in the row for prayer and I've had prayer sessions from a couple. After all these years I learned to do it myself.

Edited June 23, 2024 by RdJ

[warrior12]

7 minutes ago, RdJ said:

You had to do it all alone? You got no help? I always stood in the row for prayer and I've had prayer sessions from a couple. After all these years I learned to do it myself.

That was the very beginning of things I really did not quite understand and could not disclose things of the spirit realm to people, only those of my trusted family member. Not even my unsave family membe I could tell of those things.

Those were the training period as I would call it. To leard how to discern and search out the bible and read of others experience as to how these things operate. Today I could share my ordeal of what exist and I don't really care of what anyone would think of me or label me, as long a I told the truth.

I know I wrote quite a bit recently and really don't know why as I shared only with people I knew were belivers and in a one to one situation as a testimony. Maybe it of the Lord doing, but I am not sure of that too.

Those last 21yrs  of my life were brutal reality and I have shared some here just for the saints to be aware of what actually goes on in this world we live in, at the spiritual level.  

Something occured to me . paul wrote Ephesians 6, which is about the spiritual world, so he had to have some interaction to write what he said, or get it directly from Jesus Christ to pen.

The Lord was my helper all the way brother and even though I was fearful at the beginning, he allowed me to go into the battlefield and stand against the enemy wiles and assaults.  Now , I can testify and encourage others to do the same. 

[Figure of eighty]

11 hours ago, warrior12 said:

That was the very beginning of things I really did not quite understand and could not disclose things of the spirit realm to people, only those of my trusted family member. Not even my unsave family membe I could tell of those things.

Those were the training period as I would call it. To leard how to discern and search out the bible and read of others experience as to how these things operate. Today I could share my ordeal of what exist and I don't really care of what anyone would think of me or label me, as long a I told the truth.

I know I wrote quite a bit recently and really don't know why as I shared only with people I knew were belivers and in a one to one situation as a testimony. Maybe it of the Lord doing, but I am not sure of that too.

Those last 21yrs  of my life were brutal reality and I have shared some here just for the saints to be aware of what actually goes on in this world we live in, at the spiritual level.  

Something occured to me . paul wrote Ephesians 6, which is about the spiritual world, so he had to have some interaction to write what he said, or get it directly from Jesus Christ to pen.

The Lord was my helper all the way brother and even though I was fearful at the beginning, he allowed me to go into the battlefield and stand against the enemy wiles and assaults.  Now , I can testify and encourage others to do the same. 

What happened to you?

[Figure of eighty]

13 hours ago, warrior12 said:

You have to reason with yourself and ask the question.  What is of the most value in your life ever, even if you are comfortable with all the ammenties and security. 

The answer as spoken in the bible, your SOUL.  The value of it is priceless and you have to guard it with all your strength and the Lord assurances to help you.  Again ,the devil comes to sow doubt, despair and to kill and destroy. Read the word.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of all wisdom, you need wisdom to see you through this life Figure of eight.  There is no getting around that.

Honestly,  what drives me most to not give up completely is that my kids deserve stability. That's the only thing that's all. I see just from peoples responses in just my thread I see you all have a passionate zeal and love for God and I'm being completely honest when I say I don't have that. I wish I did but I don't. 

I'm saved in the sense I was baptized twice, confessed with my mouth all of that. I do believe in God I just don't have as much passion or love as a normal Christian should.  I feel alot of apathy and indifference. Life is hard enough on its own I just don't want to deal with spiritual trials.

I just want to stop struggling that's all and I feel im on my way. My classes start on the 26th. 

Sorry if this is hard to read but I am telling the truth. I'm not lying about how I currently feel. At the very least I will try to live a quiet life free from sin. 

Edited June 23, 2024 by Figure of eighty

[warrior12]

1 hour ago, Figure of eighty said:

Honestly,  what drives me most to not give up completely is that my kids deserve stability. That's the only thing that's all. I see just from peoples responses in just my thread I see you all have a passionate zeal and love for God and I'm being completely honest when I say I don't have that. I wish I did but I don

Nobody can believe for you, it is a decision that you have to wrestle with.  My time here is to encourage you to persevere, and to outline the reality of the spiritual world that includes evil and seduction and affliction and the being or beings that strive to keep man in bondage and from freedom to eternity.

The reality that there is the God of the bible that gives you promises, but does not work on our demands and our timing.   He promises that if we remain faithful to him that our rewards are eternity with him.   I know that we are dealing with the unseen world, but that is part of the life we live in too.   

The determination and drive to press on , is not only for your kids, but your own SOUL.  It is the only thing you have of any value.

Great men of old, lost their lives for speaking of these truths, so that we can have their testimony , they did not give in to the evil that tried to stop the message of salvation to mankind.

You have to make that choice sister, no one else can do it for you, tough as life is, it is all yours.  I will testify though and say, if you stay the course, you never know how things can turn out, but you have to not let Satan plant thoughts of discoruagemt to pull you down futher.   

I should correct the last statement.  Satan does plant the thoughts and plays with our mind.  I don't care what anyone says about that.  When I was going through things and I spoke to believes who said, well just ignore it and don't let him, well it was not like that.   I had to fight in terms or prayer and rebuke, that is where the spiritual warfare comes in. You are essentially taking a stand for your own soul, mind and body , by not being passive, but putting on the full armor of God.  That still goes on a bit today. 

 

Edited June 23, 2024 by warrior12

[warrior12]

1 hour ago, Figure of eighty said:

What happened to you?

Look in the spiritual warfare section and see my name and check the topic I made and read through the thread titled, " the inhabitants of the earth were made drunk with the wine of her fornication. "

[Figure of eighty]

3 hours ago, warrior12 said:

Nobody can believe for you, it is a decision that you have to wrestle with.  My time here is to encourage you to persevere, and to outline the reality of the spiritual world that includes evil and seduction and affliction and the being or beings that strive to keep man in bondage and from freedom to eternity.

The reality that there is the God of the bible that gives you promises, but does not work on our demands and our timing.   He promises that if we remain faithful to him that our rewards are eternity with him.   I know that we are dealing with the unseen world, but that is part of the life we live in too.   

The determination and drive to press on , is not only for your kids, but your own SOUL.  It is the only thing you have of any value.

Great men of old, lost their lives for speaking of these truths, so that we can have their testimony , they did not give in to the evil that tried to stop the message of salvation to mankind.

You have to make that choice sister, no one else can do it for you, tough as life is, it is all yours.  I will testify though and say, if you stay the course, you never know how things can turn out, but you have to not let Satan plant thoughts of discoruagemt to pull you down futher.   

I should correct the last statement.  Satan does plant the thoughts and plays with our mind.  I don't care what anyone says about that.  When I was going through things and I spoke to believes who said, well just ignore it and don't let him, well it was not like that.   I had to fight in terms or prayer and rebuke, that is where the spiritual warfare comes in. You are essentially taking a stand for your own soul, mind and body , by not being passive, but putting on the full armor of God.  That still goes on a bit today. 

 

I know what I want and how to do it. I can fight for my kids and push myself to get what they need. I only have enough energy to take care of my 2 toddler kids, work and school I can't imagine engaging in spiritual warfare on tope of this. I'll gladly wave the white flag bc it's too much. Much too much . I believe in God but I just don't havevthat passionate zeal others have. As the days pass I care less bc I feel stability for my kids is more important. 

Edited June 23, 2024 by Figure of eighty

[warrior12]

56 minutes ago, Figure of eighty said:

I know what I want and how to do it. I can fight for my kids and push myself to get what they need. I only have enough energy to take care of my 2 toddler kids, work and school I can't imagine engaging in spiritual warfare on tope of this. I'll gladly wave the white flag bc it's too much. Much too much . I believe in God but I just don't havevthat passionate zeal others have. As the days pass I care less bc I feel stability for my kids is more important. 

For me, spiritual warfare was not an option, but it is either surrender and be a slave to the unseen forces of darkness, essentially satan kingdom or stand on the name of Jesus christ, i.e if you are indeed acosted by spirits or unseen things.  If not, then its not your fight in that phase. 

Listen, if you are a beliver and put your trust in the Lord, you do not have to fight battles on your own, the battles belong to the Lord, you are just a placeholder so to speak.   

Trials in life is to equipt you for life's journey as you live the christian life. I can't speak for others, only what I go through and what the scripture says and confirms it. 

If you can fight for your kids, work and school, then you have to endure.  I would have like to share with you some real personal things about myself, but can't do that here as  what I have shared   already is enough to for people to have doubts about my walk as a believer.  

If you wave the white flag as you say, then who gets the victory.  You must be familar with scripture and what is written.  You just can't be a passive believer, just because you have been baptized .  You must immerse yourself in the word too, you have to make the time, even if one verse a day.

Back to the you lifes application.  You have to knock on every door , write letters, and do what it takes for help. The authorities in your county and state must know of your situation again and again. You have two kids and need help, they have to help you, they must help you. 

So this is my last reply to your post , as I don't know the kids dad situation ect.  Here in Canada , that is a serious offense and they would send the dad to jail if they do not provide for their kids, and things of that sort.

I know many here have made suggestions to you, and I tried to give my inputs as to encourge you to not give in, because all in all , they are essentially spiritual battles you are facing, but you can't see it , only feel the oppression, anxieties and that is what satan is all about, to keep you in bondage.  

When I was in terrifying sitations, I had to encourage myself as I had no one to confide in.  I did not even know about online forums ect. I had to go through painful times all alone, but I never spoke ill and got angry at God. Yes I felt, desserted , that I did not see what I wanted to happen, just for these thing to go away and live a normal life, but I knew I was in a battle and was determined not to give in to darkness and forbidden things coming for my only valuable thing, my soul.

Here are two verses I will leave you with.

Luke 9

⁵⁶ for the Son of Man did not come to destroy men’s lives, but to save them.”] 

⁶² But Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back [to the things left behind] is fit for the kingdom of God.”

[Debp]

8 hours ago, Figure of eighty said:

I'm saved in the sense I was baptized twice, confessed with my mouth all of that. I do believe in God I just don't have as much passion or love as a normal Christian should.  I feel alot of apathy and indifference. Life is hard enough on its own I just don't want to deal with spiritual trials.

Did you believe in your heart?   Or were you just mouthing words?   Water baptism doesn't save you.   Nor do words that are not sincere.

 

Btw, living a sinful life is much harder and unpleasant than living a Christian life....a simple walk each day with the Lord.   A life of peace in heart and mind.

I remember several years ago when some of us warned you against moving in with your boyfriend without marriage.

 

[Figure of eighty]

5 hours ago, Debp said:

Did you believe in your heart?   Or were you just mouthing words?   Water baptism doesn't save you.   Nor do words that are not sincere.

 

Btw, living a sinful life is much harder and unpleasant than living a Christian life....a simple walk each day with the Lord.   A life of peace in heart and mind.

I remember several years ago when some of us warned you against moving in with your boyfriend without marriage.

 

I'm not living a sinful life now and I do remember that post. I feel I have a bad heart and defective spirit.  I do believe in God and recognize when he's working but again I'm just e exhausted but I'll try what one person said and make time. One verse a day. It's just fighting an up hill battle. I DONT want to do this. It irritates me. I'd rather find solutions than pray. Surrendering annoys me deeply. I just want to fix my problems. I do feel if you have a deep love and severance for God it makes this all easier. I wish I had that all I feel is deep annoyance. I'm probably a tare. 

I feel a real Christian can't have a heart as terrible as mine. 

Edited June 24, 2024 by Figure of eighty