emotions at funerals

[Guest Biblicist]

I wish I could cry. I'm not a crier. I'll wait till I'm alone to shed my tears.

At my father's funeral I didn't cry, not until I saw my sister-in-law crying. I don't like to see people cry. "No one cries in my presence alone."

I will tell you this. A "man" told my mother as she stood crying at her Brother's funeral that if she "had more faith, she would not be crying". Do you think that is true? Is crying such a selfish act that we wouldn't do it if we had more faith in God's Will?

I don't think so Biblicist, Christ wept over Lazarus and tried to escape the crouds when John the Baptist was killed so that He could be alone in His grief. We were made with tears...

personally I think that people who tell us to suck it up or that we have little faith to cry about a death or seeing another person cry, are emotionally bankrupt or in fear that if they start crying they may never stop...IMO

Sometimes this is how I feel.

My uncle sings this song at funerals. I often wonder who will sing it at his?

Finally Home ~

"Imagine stepping on shore and finding it heaven

of holding a hand, and finding it God's

of breathing in new air and finding it celestial

of waking up in Glory and finding it HOME."

"Weeping may last through the night,

but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5b

[tah]

Ok..

I have been in the place of Just rejoicing that a loved one has passed on and was with the Lord..

God just spoke to me where he was and I was alright with that..happy..

And tehn I have been so grieved it took me two long years to "get over it"..

and lots of places in between..I have seen many folks die in my 60 years..

I Have on the one hand the family that dresses in black suits , men and women, and "suck it up"..

and the family that dresses like they were running to the store for milk ..

(not a problem for me as I do not mind what people wear. I am just pointing out the different picture for you.)

I have also been told that if we had more faith and more control over our emotions we would not grieve so when death happens to one we love..

It is a flaw in ones personality to show such grief...I am not sure anymore if that is true...

I did believe it but I don't know anymore...

Death is a very hard thing to come to terms with...

How do you teach a child to deal with death?

Control your emotions???

It's ok to cry ???

Where is the place we should be in our hearts and minds and emotions at times of death?

[jackie d]

Ok..

I have been in the place of Just rejoicing that a loved one has passed on and was with the Lord..

God just spoke to me where he was and I was alright with that..happy..

And tehn I have been so grieved it took me two long years to "get over it"..

and lots of places in between..I have seen many folks die in my 60 years..

I Have on the one hand the family that dresses in black suits , men and women, and "suck it up"..

and the family that dresses like they were running to the store for milk ..

(not a problem for me as I do not mind what people wear. I am just pointing out the different picture for you.)

I have also been told that if we had more faith and more control over our emotions we would not grieve so when death happens to one we love..

It is a flaw in ones personality to show such grief...I am not sure anymore if that is true...

I did believe it but I don't know anymore...

Death is a very hard thing to come to terms with...

How do you teach a child to deal with death?

Control your emotions???

It's ok to cry ???

Where is the place we should be in our hearts and minds and emotions at times of death?

I don't believe that it is up to any one to tell us where our emotions should or should not be when it comes to grieving the loss of someone. And I don't think that we can tell anyone where our hearts, mind and emotions should be at times of death.

I deal with death a lot as I care for people who are on hospice. Sometimes, I get to know the people who are on hospice sometimes I don't as I come in usually during the period of actively dying and though it is considered unprofessional to cry with the loved ones when they have lost someone, I cry all the same, not only for the loss that I feel for the person I have been caring for but also for those who have lost. I have been completely incapable of shutting off compassion and love for these people, so I figure that is what my heart is about and God made me this way so I'll cry if need be. And look out to anyone who comes to me and tells me how I am not politically correct for having a heart and shedding tears with the family members remaining.....

I don't know if it has helped or not that my 11 yr old daughter has often gotten to know these people too and has suffered in her heart a bit over the loss of them. So you got me there about how to teach a child to deal with death.

[TEXASGRANDMA]

The closest I am to the person who died, the less I am likely to be emotional at a funeral. When my sister died, I had to be strong for my mom and dad. I am the oldest and I knew what was expected of me. This did not mean I did not take her death hard. I ended up not sleeping for a month and getting on nerve pills.

My sister's mother in law, who treated her like a dog carried on like she was going to pass out where as my mom and dad bore their grief with dignity.

Truth is that we all react to funerals differently and tears or like of tears do not always show the true feelings of the heart.

When my uncle died, his ex wife showed up making a scene, but when she found out that he had not mention her in his will, she left in a huff.

This said only a person knows what is in their heart and people have to be allowed to grief in their own way.

[Northern lass]

I think that while not telling anyone how they should grieve, you have to be sensible to those who are closest to the one who has died. When my brother died suddenly, I had to keep my emotions in check at the funeral for my parents' sake. However, there was a woman there who wasn't really close to our family and who my parents didn't even know who was making quite a display of her emotions. I didn't mind as to me it showed how much my brother was loved by other people but my mother froze and felt it was "intruding on her grief"!

[tah]

oh yes ...

the mantra "it is not about me" repeated over and over and over in your head keeps your personal emotions better in check ....

especially when you are not the one who was closest to the one who has passed away..

This has helped me immeasurably and then I could go home and cry my heart out and still feel I have been a support to those who I love...

"It is not about me"...it is a review and rejoicing in the life of the one who has died..

It should be about them..yes!

Alas..when I see those I love grieving so it breaks my heart and sometimes I just cannot "suck it up"...

Yes.. I think we probably should grieve in our own way..

But there is conflict, and sometimes the hurt feeling and misunderstandings come when you are at a funeral where all grieve the same way except you!...

[Ddavid from NC]

everyone's emotional expression is different...whether someone cries or not is not the sign of emotional pain or tenderness...I have seen people handle their pain by joking and carrying on...and there are people who are just quiet and depressed. Some cry at the funeral and never again and others only cry days after...And I have known people to cry about a loved one years after their passing. But, no, crying is never wrong or selfish is just the sign of a felt loss.

[O'Dannyboy]

All I can say is that I envy those who are still in touch with their emotions. I used to be very emotional and now find myself one of those who 'sucks it up" and holds it in. I think I would rather be in touch with my emotions as I was in my childhood.

[ladypeartree]

I find it VERY hard to cry in public ..at my sons funeral I was the one holding it all together for my daughters and my parents ...that was soooo hard .Yes I knew that he was in heaven and free from all pain etc and his funeral was ..at my request ..a celebration of his life The tears came and often still do but only when I am alone. It is NOT being stoic it is just the way I am ..I need to grieve and not to feel that I need to explain myself or worry about others and how my reactions could be affecting them People cry , people bravely (?) smile ..at one of my grandmothers funeral I made the huge gaffe when someone stopped to offer me sympathy of saying what came to me first without any thought ..the whole family were convulsed with laughter and this is EXACTLY what my gran would have wanted ( I still live with the teasing and the embarrasment more than 20 years later ) There is NO disrespect in any of the ways we find to carry on ...different people, different circumstances, different reactions. Hugs, love, leaky eyes or outright bawling we do what we can to get through these times and long for a time when we will never see them again

[Bolts]

I am a NZ Maori. The funerals I attend are traditional. The family of the person who has passed away make all the arrangements, not the church. Most families usually have the deceased in their home and then take them to the marae (tribal meeting place building). Others take the deceased from marae to marae and some just prefer to have the person that passed away on the marae for the three days before burial.

I love our funerals. I have been to so many that I have lost count (tribal and family ties). The family get to stay right next to the deceased for the three days. Extended family and friends can as well.