Hurt by sermon

[Gift of Grace]

First of all I want to give some history. I have been married for 27 years. When my husband and I were first married we wanted children but had a hard time conceiving. We went to a fetility specialist for months but got no conclusive answers. We decided at that time that we would not let this rule our lives. We have seen others that have had their lives ruined and been so unhappy because they could not have children. Merifully the Lord has never given me any mental anguish over not having children. Today I went to church. I have been going to this church for several years. I went to the first service and there was only about 30 people there. I knew that mother's would be exhonorated and that was ok for me. It is mother's day after all. It was a good sermon on love. At the end of the sermon the pastor was talking about how God loves us the way we are. Then he said how proud he was of mother's. He listed the difficulties they face in this day and age, including the fact that you can choose not to have children. I was very hurt by his words. I did choose to not continue to try to have children, we did choose not to adopt. But he was not there. He did not know how it felt for me or what was going on in my life at that time. I do not regret those decisions. He knows I am childless and I feel he said those things to hurt me. I am wondering if I am welcome at this church. Am I being overly sensitive? Even if he was not being rude I think what he said was not be sensitive to others. He does not know what goes into those decisions and he is judging others. If God accepts me as I am shouldn't my church?

Edited May 12, 2008 by Gift of Grace

[Guest LadyC]

i'm so sorry his words hurt your feelings.... i don't think he was intentionally obtuse, but the fact remains that many people DO choose not to have children. and those who willfully make that choice are usually making the right one for the sake of the children that might have been. it sounds like he didn't know if you were in that category or not, and while it seemed like he was targeting you, he probably wasn't meaning to target you at all.

as for what advice i can give, this is the best i can do. go talk to your pastor. TELL him that his words caused you pain, and in fact, don't be afraid to tell him he offended you by his lack of sensitivity. he's just human too, and is just as prone to eating shoe leather as the rest of us. if you will bring it to his attention, it will be a three-fold blessing... first, he'll have the opportunity to apologize and grow in an area which God may want you to be instrumental in... secondly, it will allow some room for you to heal from the sting of his words... and thirdly, it may very well prevent your pastor from making the same mistake in the future and unwittingly hurting someone else.

[tigger398]

First let me say, God knows the future, he see's things we can't, he knows things we don't, Just because you don't have children does not mean God won't bless you with other things, and my step mom told me a story about a girl in the bible, I think her name was Hannah now I have not read that in bible yet sooooooooo people if I'm wrong please correct me on it. She said that um Hannah wanted a child, but I guess she was sterlized or how ever it's spelled. and I think my step mom said God blessed her with a child. So please if anyone knows this story, please some verses might help. 2nd thing I want to say is God loves you with or with out children, Other people should accept you with or with out children as well. I also want to add that I'm gonna be 42 this month I still want children, but I have a diffrent situation then yours, but never doubt the power of the almighty.

[Trusting Jesus]

I might be missing something, but I really don't see anything in his words that seemed to be targeting you. I'm sure there was a lot more to the sermon and possibly the hurtfulness was in them, but from what you wrote it seems as if he was saying it's great to have children, but if you choose not to have children that's great, too. If you physically cannot have children, well you are so wise in not making it an issue and it seems as if you have accepted this gracefully. I really think that this is something that is between you, your husband, and God.

You should speak with your pastor so that this doesn't become a problem.

Tigger, the story you are thinking of is found in 1 Samuel chapters 1 and 2. Hannah could not have children and her husbands other wife was very mean to her over this issue. Hannah fervently prayed for children and God gave her children - the prophet Samuel was her oldest. It is a wonderful story of faith. But I absolutely agree with you -- God's love for us does not depend upon whether we bear children or not. It takes a special sort of godliness to accept gracefully our lot in life. Children are wonderful -- but so is childlessness. It's only a problem if people make it a problem.

Gift of Grace, don't let anyone make you feel bad. You belong to God and that is more important than any words a preacher says.

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Nathele

[pamiam]

By all means speak to your pastor. He may give many more sermons on Mother's Day and needs to know how powerful his words are. This is one of those hurtful opportunities that may become growth points for both of you.

[psalmone]

Hello

The pastor's words may not have been intentional even though He knows you are childless.

Because you are sensitive on the issue it seem to have soured your thought processes during the flow of the sermon. This has been my experience in the past and it turned out that I was the one in need of prayer lol..

Bear in mind He has a great responsibility in shepherding the church and may not always be able to cater for the sensitivities of every individual.

May you be comforted and reassured of these disturbances.

God Bless.

[Marnie]

I can't have kids, we adopted; I went through a whole time of being "sensitive" about it, which is a thing of the past now, thankfully. I think you are being way overly sensitive, but you should mention it to the pastor and give him a chance to get to know you and your situation. My husband has, on occasion, said things from the pulpit that have been taken the wrong way by folks, and that is never his intent. Anybody who knows him knows that's the case. I'm sure it's the same with this guy.

[Gift of Grace]

Hi all and thank you for all you advice. I see now that I was over reacting. I still do not know what he was trying to say. It was in a negative connotation but he could have been taking about abortion for all I know. Anyway I will talk to him and see what he was talking about. Thanks again.

[soshine]

First of all I want to give some history. I have been married for 27 years. When my husband and I were first married we wanted children but had a hard time conceiving. We went to a fetility specialist for months but got no conclusive answers. We decided at that time that we would not let this rule our lives. We have seen others that have had their lives ruined and been so unhappy because they could not have children. Merifully the Lord has never given me any mental anguish over not having children. Today I went to church. I have been going to this church for several years. I went to the first service and there was only about 30 people there. I knew that mother's would be exhonorated and that was ok for me. It is mother's day after all. It was a good sermon on love. At the end of the sermon the pastor was talking about how God loves us the way we are. Then he said how proud he was of mother's. He listed the difficulties they face in this day and age, including the fact that you can choose not to have children. I was very hurt by his words. I did choose to not continue to try to have children, we did choose not to adopt. But he was not there. He did not know how it felt for me or what was going on in my life at that time. I do not regret those decisions. He knows I am childless and I feel he said those things to hurt me. I am wondering if I am welcome at this church. Am I being overly sensitive? Even if he was not being rude I think what he said was not be sensitive to others. He does not know what goes into those decisions and he is judging others. If God accepts me as I am shouldn't my church?

Hi Gift of Grace

If God loves us the way we are, then love your pastor, warts and all. Maybe he was insensitive, and maybe you over-reacted. But neither of those things is the point. Love is the point. We want God to love us unconditionally, but we struggle with giving the same kind of love to others. Pray that God gives you the strenth to forgive your pastor, and to forgive yourself, in Christ. The power to forgive is the true power of Christ working in us. You can't end a war by firing just one more shot. Love is the end of the conflict, and forgiveness is love in action. Pray that God gives you the miraculous strength to forgive.

Your friend in Christ

soshine

[grace222]

Firstlly, I want to say "I'm sorry". This post certainly warrants a lot of sympathy.

I know how you are feeling as I suffer from IF(Infertility) myself.

I think you are being way overly sensitive, but you should mention it to the pastor and give him a chance to get to know you and your situation

NO - YOU ARE NOT BEING OVERLY SENSITIVE!!!

The very sad fact is this:

A lot of Pastors/Minister are very inconsiderate and thoughtless and, so(sadly) are a lot of christians. I speak from MANY years of experience.

You have my sympathy and Love.

PM me if you would like to be steered into a Christian forum specifically for those who suffer from Inferility.

You will find acceptance and Love, something which is very rare these days.

Tonnes of hugs to you because I feel your pain.