Real Men Do Cry

[wyguy]

Real Men Do Cry - The hidden pain: domestic abuse of men.

Real men don't hit women, but sometimes women hit them.

Jason Chivers (whose name has been changed to protect his family) is a middle-aged Calgary teacher of average build. At home, his wife would engage in sporadic episodes of violence that Chivers won't talk about even now that he's left the marriage. At the time, despite the violence, he says he didn't want to leave because of his kids.

Research into the area of domestic abuse targeted at men indicates that men fear going to jail on false charges, the loss of their children, and having to pay for both the family house plus an apartment on just their income.

Yet when Chivers and his wife sought help, the counsellor's first advice was to just get a divorce.

"I spent a lot of time in the office, living there ... for weeks at a time," says Chivers. "Eventually I got the divorce, but not until I had tried everything else first . The whole system is a disaster for men."

Although it's not often talked about, abuse against men happens, in numbers and types nearly the same as women: according to Statistics Canada, in 2005, seven per cent of women and six per cent of men experienced abuse. The difference is, men don't tell.

Maybe that's not surprising when you consider that men often try to be the strong, silent types, raised to respect women, to rescue them from danger. Chivers notes they don't how to handle it when the woman is the danger.

Experts say that abuse can happen to anyone.

Like Roy Martin (whose name has also been changed), a tradesman who admits he lost all control over his life. At the end, he says, he had withdrawn so far into himself that he didn't have a friend left. After one incident, with the red bruise marks still on his face, Martin and his wife went for help.

In the first session, Martin recalls, "the counsellor said to me, `What'd you do to make her so angry she had to hit you?'''

According to an Alberta government booklet on preventing male abuse, the abuse can take many forms - including pushing, blocking doors, threats, financial control, insults, lies intended to confuse, blaming, isolating, monitoring phone and email communication, making fun of a person's body, forcing or pressuring him into sexual activities he doesn't want, and many others.

"Abuse is power and control ... for the person perpetrating it," says Cheryl Krneychuk-Waddy, of the Calgary Counselling Centre, adding that for the abused men, "there is a lot of shame, it's a question of their masculinity ... victims and abusers come in every shape, colour, size, gender, age."

She says the couple may want help - both for the abused and abuser. Counselling can be a lifeline.

"Usually if a man calls in, they'll be able to talk with a counsellor the next business day," says Krneychuk-Waddy, who holds a master's degree in social work.

Safety and confidentiality are always top priority. But in a crisis, men don't know where to turn.

Laura Bakken is with the Community Crisis Society (Strathmore). "For men with children, there are really very few places they can go,'' she said. ``If they are dealing with family violence, then it really helps to be in a place that has some understanding, and some focus on that, as opposed to going to a homeless shelter."

Krneychuk-Waddy says that you can help the man in your life who tells you he's being abused - or whom you suspect is being abused. For a start, don't confront his abuser, no matter how tempting it might be to do so. Do, however, talk to the man involved.

"Offer them a safe place ... ask them what they need. Validate what they're saying," she says.

Both Chivers and Martin left their abusive relationships. Life went on for them, and they began to heal. A chance at a whole new life, where abuse is not allowed.

Martin has a final piece of advice for men who are being abused.

"Start thinking about your own needs - what do you need to make you happy?"

Chances are that those needs include safety, security, respect and a feeling that you're loved. And that's well deserved.

Link

[Fez]

Of course real men cry. Abuse aside, and it is a hidden factor in some marriages, real men do cry.

Hey, I can cry at the drop of a hat since I was saved. Before that, never (then I just got drunk or broke something......).

Now I am just a big sissy

[2Joyful]

Abuse is ugly and evil...weather tears are shed or not

[OneLight]

John 11:35

Jesus wept.

[Believer1997]

Men are often at a loss to get help when they are the ones being abused. There are not too many shelters for abused men. Abuse is abuse - no matter who is doing it. The abused man should take his safety as seriously as he would if he were under attack by a stranger. My heart breaks for anyone being hurt by someone they loved and trusted. The fact that children often see these attacks and are sometimes the target of abuse breaks my heart. Any person being abused - needs to get out and get help.

[MorningGlory]

I know a guy that was being abused; his girlfriend would kick, punch and pinch him if she got mad. He was a real quiet type and she is a real bully. I swear that woman is a snake in a skirt! He told me, and some others, about the abuse and he was just heartbroken. Not scared really; just sad. They did break up though and I guess she's abusing someone else now. Whether it's male or female doing the abusing, hitting someone is just wrong as is emotionally abusing someone (far more common for women who abuse their spouses or boyfriends).

[MorningGlory]

Of course real men cry. Abuse aside, and it is a hidden factor in some marriages, real men do cry.

Hey, I can cry at the drop of a hat since I was saved. Before that, never (then I just got drunk or broke something......).

Now I am just a big sissy

Oh, you're not a sissy. Men can cry and it only means you're human and have emotions. Someone who can't cry and feels nothing is in really bad shape.

[LeonaS]

My husband is a hunky, macho, Italian-American. I'm proud to say I've seen him cry while watching a Kodak commercial!

As to spousal abuse, it's terrible no matter which is the victim. The key is to get counselling because it's so much deeper than just "bullying". If the root cause isn't uncovered, it will only escalate.

[MorningGlory]

My husband is a hunky, macho, Italian-American. I'm proud to say I've seen him cry while watching a Kodak commercial!

As to spousal abuse, it's terrible no matter which is the victim. The key is to get counselling because it's so much deeper than just "bullying". If the root cause isn't uncovered, it will only escalate.

As one who lost a best friend to domestic violence in 2004....I wholeheartedly agree, Leona.

[Ladyhrtcares4u]

Back in 2007 I lived in two domestic violence shelters and was amazed at how many men get turned away! So many of the shelters focus on women/children. Where do men turn to? At the second shelter, two men were in residence. Both placed in a half finished basement, with beds and blankets ... but because it was feared the women there would not like them around, they were put in the basement. At meal times, they were asked to wait and eat only after the women were done and had left the area. An announcement would be made to the women, that the men would be in the kitchen area for the next hour and to avoid the area. The men were treated like criminals or like they were the ones who had done something wrong. So much more needs to be done to raise awareness for abused men. Shelters and other safe places for them to turn need to crop up and be brought into light.