need marital advice

[rlfanni]

I am new to the forum I am desperate need of guidance on my particular issue. First a little about myself I have been a Christian most of my life and feel that I have had a relationship with God for most of it he has always been a driving force in my life. Saying that makes the next part harder I stumbled and had an affair on my wife we have been married 10 years we have two children together a girl who is 7 a boy who is 6 we had an OK marriage before the affair I felt unappreciated a lot and not like I was really a part of the family I was the bread winner and that's what I did I made sure there financial needs were melt and my wives goals and dreams became reality. While I would put my own wants and needs on the back burner and I thought I was OK with this existence until this other woman showed an interest in me and the affair happened. Which is only part of issue the woman I had affair with is now pregnant with my baby. Both women know about each other now and has completely turned my world inside out the woman I had affair with knew I was married from beginning. Now here is the issues my wife has forgiven me and wants to work our marriage out which is a good thing in all honesty she is a good wife and a great mother, I know I love her but don't think I am in love with her hence the affair. The woman I had affair with says she loves me too and wants for us to be together before baby is born but only if I am divorced. If not she doesn't want me to have anything to do with her or baby. I think I am in love with her now but not sure I love her because we haven't had chance to go that far. They both want answers they both use the children in their arguments of why I should choose one or the other. I know God has forgiven me for this sin I can not forgive myself either chose I hurt someone and specifically the kids I have and the unborn child I don't have a relationship with. I have been praying and not received any direction. I was trying to plot and plan on my own and had a word given to me to be still and let God be the one I trust not my own plots to fix this issue. My wife had a word from God saying the baby wasn't mine however I am 98% sure that it is but my wife does have a relationship with God and I believe she hears his voice at time. The reason she is still with me is that God told her to stay, I am only concerned she is hearing what she wants not what God has for our lives. If the baby was not mine I think it would be very easy for me and my wife to move on with each other and heal. If they baby is mine I don't want to live my live by a what if and am I staying with my wife for the wrong reason because I am in love with another woman. The kids complicate further the two I have now have a relationship with me as well as God. If I have nothing to do with the one yet to be born I don't think it will be raised by my believes or will it have the same opportunity with me not in the baby's life. I know I have written a lot down but I am praying for god to give someone the words to help me in this situation because I am at a lost as to what direction to go. Especially with how I am ever going to forgive myself for the hurt and pain I have caused both women and children. Thank you in advance for the time and thought you are giving to help me figure out this issue in my life.

[Guest]

In my opinion, you married one woman, not the other, and that is the basis on which you proceed. You have created a problem, and the aftermath of that may well be lifelong for all involved.

 

I think you have obligations to your future baby and it's mother as well, the details will need to be worked out by all involved. Take things a day at a time, do the best you can to make God honoring decisions, do the sorts of things you would have advised others to do.

 

To whatever degree the actually paternity of the new child affects things, that can be determined with testing and may help with peace of mind instead of always wondering on the part of some.

 

Hopefully, you and others can learn from this, and be able to make things as right as possible by your actions from this point onward.

[Willa]

Proverbs 2, God's word says:

When wisdom enters your heart and knowledge is pleasent to your soul, discretion will preserve you;

Understanding will keep you to deliver you from the way of evil, from the man who speaks perverse things, from those who leave the paths of uprightness to walk in the ways of darkness;

TO DELIVER YOU FROM THE IMMORAL WOMAN, FROM THE SEDUCTRESS WHO FLATTERS YOU WITH HER WORDS, WHO FORSAKES THE COMPANION OF HER YOUTH, AND FORGETS THE COVENANT WITH HER GOD. FOR HER HOUSE LEADS DOWN TO DEATH, AND HER PATHS TO THE DEAD; none who go to her return, nor do they regain the paths of life----.Proverbs 2:10-13, 16-19 NKJV

Your marriage covenant is with your wife. God hates divorse. You need to work at rebuilding a good relationship with her. Love is about committment and you choose to love. It is a choice. Feelings and romance are what YOU make of it. Choose to pursue your wife like you did before you were married. If your church has marriage seminars, go to them. If not, interdenominational ones are held as well. Marriage retreats are excellent. If your church doesn't have them, find an evangelical church that does have them and go the theirs. Make the time to go to them. Marriages are not self made. You have to make an effort to keep the flame alive. Stoke the fire with your wife. YOU make it fun again. You will have to prove to your wife that she can trust you again as well, and that may take years. Trust is earned, but it can be done. It all depends on you.

My husband has worked at our marriage to make it really good. The first 11 years before he was saved were horrible. But the last 40 years have got better with each year. It is 90% giving from both partners. You wife's time is also very divided due to family. When kids are young she has to give them more time, and you may have felt neglected. This is normal and must be endured, but as they get into grade school she must learn to get better acquainted with you again and make that a priority in spite of how busy your lives get. Our sons have date nights with their wives and take them out to a romantic dinner once or twice a month. Our older son also has a special day each month with each of the 3 kids plus is a big brother to a foster kid. But he makes each one feel special with one on one time.

Lead in praying out loud with your wife every day. Make her your prayer partner and best friend. Pray for her, the needs of the kids and extended family as well as friends. The family that prays together, stays together, is more truth than you will ever realize.

It is good that the girlfriend wants you to have nothing to do with her or the baby if you do not divorse your wife. Get it in writing! You need to make a clean break with her. She is an adultrous. It is predictible that if she had an affair with you, she will find someone else to have an affair with should she marry you. Furthermore, she is manipulative.

I am praying that God will open your eyes.

After all you did ask------

[Willa]

Malachi 2:13-16 NKJV

And this is the second thing that you do: you cover the alter of the Lord with tears, with weeping and crying; So He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands.

Yet you say, For what reason?

BECAUSE THE LORD HAS BEEN A WITNESS BETWEEN YOU AND THE WIFE OF YOUR YOUTH, WITH WHOM YOU HAVE DEALT TREACHEROUSLY; YET SHE IS YOUR COMPANION AND YOUR WIFE BY COVENANT. BUT DID HE NOT MAKE THEM ONE, HAVING A REMNANT OF THE SPIRIT: AND WHY ONE? HE SEEKS GODLY OFFSPRING. THEREFORE, TAKE HEED TO YOUR SPIRIT, and LET NONE DEAL TREACHEROUSLY WITH THE WIFE OF HIS YOUTH.

For the Lord God of Israel says THAT HE HATES DIVORSE, for it covers ones garment with violence, says the Lord of Hosts. Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously."

Divorse would only compound your sin. It never solves anything when children are involved.

My dad's full time job was to pick up the broken pieces of the lives of children who were the innocent victims of divorce.. He was a social worker and was not a religious man, but he hated divorse because of what it does to kids. They need a stable, loving home environment.

You need to put your sin behind you and become a godly example to your kids. Become the reflection of God the Father to them. You can still be that to them and build a godly marriage.

Blessings,

Willa

[other one]

I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

 

 

That is the typical wedding vow.....   it's rather simple.    If you said that within your wedding ceremony, and you did it with God attending your wedding as most weddings do, I would be very very reluctant to break that vow.......   for he has told us that he will hold us responsible for them.

 

That doesn't remove your financial responsibility for the other baby though...  

[Coffeespiller87]

Um I would pray and consider getting marital counseling from a a christian counselor. You do need to forgive yourself  but at the same time you have to live with the consequences of sin. God loves you and forgives you but He doesn't always remove sin's consequences. I am sorry you have to go through this. I will be praying for you but you need to get on your knees and seek out God's will and direction and learn from this. It is a messy situation to be sure. Sin is messy.

[alien224]

Praying but I agree with Omegaman. May God be with all involved.

[1x1is1]

rlfinni.....thank you for sharing your turmoils with us and trusting us to assist you in finding the correct direction to take.  I agree 100% with Omegaman's post.  I would only add, that you use caution in making decisions by using your heart, it should not be trusted as having a vote.  You have wisdom on your side, it can be found in your conscience. 

 

A wife that has already forgiven you is a true blessing.  I can only assume that her forgiveness includes accepting the baby as your if it is proven to be.  And how else would your young daughter and son receive the baby anything other than their sibling?  God has turned this mess into fertilizer allowing you to grow and do His Will.    GBU and your family, all of them.   

[Marilyn C]

Such good advice you have been given `rlf.` My thoughts are that because you weren`t sharing your thoughts with your wife & praying together there came a `space.` Into that came this `needy relationship.` However that is not `love.` Love is a giving of one`s self to another. We often mistake romantic times as love, but they are really the unknown & unaccountable times we have with another. With a firm decision with the Lord you can rise to be the husband & head over the family.

 

Men& women think different & over time `spaces,` can occur. It takes effort & determination by each partner to relate & appreciate each other`s difference. As a man you need to share your thoughts, your life journey with your wife, especially what God is saying to you as you come through this time. 

 

Will pray for you, Marilyn.

[kwikphilly]

Blessings riffani

     Welcome to Worthy,,,,,,,,,,,This situation is not as complicated as you are making it and I want you to first understand that Christ in me has so much love for you ,so much forgiveness,so much healing power & the only thing in the way is you....you are "stuck" Sure;sin has reprocussions that have lead to circumstances that will have to be addressed but God is above any circumstances & can bring you through anything.....but He must be the center of everything and first and foremost in your life.......that was the problem to begin with ,IMO

      You said your marriage was "okay" before the affair but without God as the glue that binds you together with a woman,it is not okay........people ;often try to look towards another person,place or thing to find fulfillment when they feel a void inside & that is the red flag to tell us that we are not walking in Spirit & in Truth,,,,that something is wrong with our relationship with our Lord,we are either not communicating(praying) with Him,not filling our spirit with His Word .....something that is separating us from God,we are simply not putting Him first,,,,

        When God is not first and we are not submitted to Him completely than we are going to lose the war between our flesh & our spirit......& we begin to seek that the flesh desires,our hearts & minds are also made of flesh,my friend & completely unreliable........we think we are not "in love",our hearts yearn for someones attention etc.....it because all about "I","myself"........in a marriage where God is first for each of you then with the Heart & Mind of Christ & the Same Holy Spirit indwelling in each of you then you are in one accord,like minded,& yes"in love"and much deeper than that.....the ,love of Christ Jesus

        So,now what?And I can only share with you what I know to be Gods Truth & I tell you these things ,as I said from the beginning,because I love you my Brother in Christ........Well,now it is time for you to get "unstuck" & out of your own way......it is time to forsake your heart & mind to the Will of God and seek a closer relationship with Him.......you cannot repair your marriage,you cannot restore your love & faithfulness to your wife,you cannot even forgive yourself....but Jesus can

         You are so very Blessed that your wife has Christ abiding in her,that is how she can forgive you & the only thing you can really change ,is you,,,,,,,renew your mind,take captive of every thought........all these thoughts about the other woman?Yeah,it all seems exciting,new,attraction etc.....that is your carnal mind.......you are married,get YOU right with God & He will restore,refresh,repair,renew the union that He has Blessed.......Get out of the way,,forget the words I,me,myself & change it to we ,us ,our......& that is GOD,Your WIFE & YOU,with Him in the front to lead the way

       My Brother,as far as the unborn child,,,,,you have a responsibility if indeed that child is yours,have a dna test ,this woman had an affair with a married man so clearly I would think she does not make good moral choices,what would make you so sure you were the only one?And you do owe it to your wife to be tested for HIV & all the STD's if you have not already done so     

       I truly hope & pray that I have encouraged you to seek God,a close relationship with Him,let go & let God.......there is no choosing women here,you are a Christian man & you only have to trust God for all things & remember how much He loves you.......He will direct your footsteps as long as you ask Him to........I am praying for you                        With love-in Christ,Kwik