Being offended, do we choose to be offended

[missmuffet]

I suppose that I would have to consider the motive for someone offending me. I might even stop and think that maybe I could be in the wrong about something and ask for clarification. ................ I know that some people have an ingrown basic hostility that resulted from their upbringing. .............. People who have personality disorders have the tendency and become skilled at shedding responsibility and those who are neurotic have the tendency to absorb responsibility for bad activities without reason. I don't think that there is any one formula for dealing with bullying tactics. It depends on the situation.

May the grace of God be with you.

What is common in our world now is being harassed and bullied.And that is also among adults not just grade school or high school.I think there are people who were bullies in school who have grown up to be adult bullies.

[MorningGlory]

 

I suppose that I would have to consider the motive for someone offending me. I might even stop and think that maybe I could be in the wrong about something and ask for clarification. ................ I know that some people have an ingrown basic hostility that resulted from their upbringing. .............. People who have personality disorders have the tendency and become skilled at shedding responsibility and those who are neurotic have the tendency to absorb responsibility for bad activities without reason. I don't think that there is any one formula for dealing with bullying tactics. It depends on the situation.

May the grace of God be with you.

What is common in our world now is being harassed and bullied.And that is also among adults not just grade school or high school.I think there are people who were bullies in school who have grown up to be adult bullies.

 

 

A lot of that is relative.  If you allow yourself to be bullied then it won't stop.  I bellieve in giving everyone I meet a chance to show themselves but I don't believe in giving any quarter to anyone who tries to push me.  And I agree that the bullies we see on social media now, the adults, were probably the same in high school.  Bullies are closet cowards and will usually rapidly reetreat when others stand up to them. 

[missmuffet]

 

 

I suppose that I would have to consider the motive for someone offending me. I might even stop and think that maybe I could be in the wrong about something and ask for clarification. ................ I know that some people have an ingrown basic hostility that resulted from their upbringing. .............. People who have personality disorders have the tendency and become skilled at shedding responsibility and those who are neurotic have the tendency to absorb responsibility for bad activities without reason. I don't think that there is any one formula for dealing with bullying tactics. It depends on the situation.

May the grace of God be with you.

What is common in our world now is being harassed and bullied.And that is also among adults not just grade school or high school.I think there are people who were bullies in school who have grown up to be adult bullies.

 

 

A lot of that is relative.  If you allow yourself to be bullied then it won't stop.  I bellieve in giving everyone I meet a chance to show themselves but I don't believe in giving any quarter to anyone who tries to push me.  And I agree that the bullies we see on social media now, the adults, were probably the same in high school.  Bullies are closet cowards and will usually rapidly reetreat when others stand up to them. 

 

I think the bullies search for the right victim.They will not just bully anyone.Unfortunately there are many out there who are victims and that includes wives.

[Pro1728]

 A pretty standard modus operandi for the "gaslighting" type is to stir things up to an emotional upheaval and then blame the victim for reacting while they stay "calm." Playing dirty. Even if you are one to avoid conflict, you can easily get sucked into the tornado. Later they misquote themselves and you--a fun way to mess with your grasp on reality/sanity, hence the "gaslighting" term. (Based on old Charles Boyer flick.) Once you realize what is happening, you can prepare yourself somewhat. Welcome to my world--never letting your guard down and changing the subject anytime it veers towards more than superficial. (i.e. anything beyond the weather, national news, etc.)

For some very damaged people, I don't think they realize they are doing it. (Not much good though, if they believe they are "just fine" and don't need counseling.) Yours is doing it deliberately, I think, though obviously someone did some serious work on him as a child. Still...take care of yourself. Like the airline attendant says, put the mask over your face first, or you're no good to anyone.

 

((Hugs and prayers, Sis))

[Qnts2]

Mirriam Webster definition

 

Offend:

to cause (a person or group) to feel hurt, angry, or upset by something said or done

 

When we become offended, we have allowed another person to control us. I believe we do not have to allow another person to control our reactions. It is God who should control our reactions.

 

I am not saying that it is easy to do. People like to hold onto their offenses. Yes, we might be initially offended but if we hold onto that offense, for as long as we hold onto the offense, then the other person is controlling part of our lives.

 

So, what does it mean to hold onto the offense? It means that we want the other person to repent to us. Admit their wrong. Suffer in some way for having done to us what they did. We want them to pay a penalty for their sin against us. Holding onto to the offense means not only desiring they face a penalty, but also, we remain hurt, angry or upset everytime we experience something similar, or thing of what happened or that person. 

 

For me, I think of all of my own sins, offenses against God, and then remember that Jesus who should have been offended actually paid the price. To be a Christian means to be conformed to Jesus. 

 

Again, I am not saying letting go of an offense is easy. It is letting go of our rights to seek retribution for a real hurt. But, as long as we hold onto an offense, it is us who live with the pain and consequences of what someone else did to us. It hurts the person who was offended as long as they hold onto the offense but we do have the power, with Gods help, to be free.

 

Just my own thoughts and hopefully, something to think about.  

[Godlovesme]

 

I'm not really clear on whether you have been offended or someone has offended you.  Can you explain?

[Qnts2]

 

I'm not really clear on whether you have been offended or someone has offended you.  Can you explain?

Yes I have been offended/hurt, but what I am trying to understand is and wrap my head around is the stance of if I am offended it's my fault for being offended, as 1to3 as stated, feeling the sting. If someone is cruel/insensitive or even violent, is it my fault it hurt? I realize our reaction can be just as offensive. I'm not very good at explaining myself sometimes, and am known to confuse myself. Sorry.

Patriot hits it on the nail with the emotional shield, and its effect on feeling anything after awhile even when no offense is there.

The stance if I get offended/hurt is my choice , I think 1to3 said it well.

A lot of food for thought here. I was feeling or even be looked at as not a good Christian because my feelings got hurt or offended by certain behavior. By just saying hey that hurts me, making me wonder if something was wrong with me because apparently they can be offensive but I can't be offended and I'm doing something wrong by even trying to approach the subject and I should just not have emotions and emotions are bad.

Relationship building on this very idea if you hurt someone and can just walk away because if they get hurt it's their fault, and being told its biblical. I understand we choose how to react, that's what our choice is, but when a offender doesn't say they are sorry it does affect the relationship even when you forgive and let it go. When it's continuos it can destroy a relationship.

If you behave in away that hurts the person your in a relationship with and do it continuously, and told its your fault for feeling offended and its biblical that stance messes with your head. One God created me as a woman, woman feel things more emotionally, so to say I'm not allowed to feel the sting of the offense and that something is wrong with me if I do, made me feel like something was wrong with me.

i also understand this person may never apologize or even feel remorseful for the pain they cause and may even justify it.

I guess I just wanted to understand if this was a basic Christian principle on being offensive to someone. I'm seeing it's not. And I might actually be normal.

Prof, I totally get the keeping the subjects of conversation to the basics of life and never diving in to deep. Thank you for your friendship, you might not realize it but it's ment a lot.

[Godlovesme]

I believe I understand what your saying,and thank you. What about if it's continuous , you forgive let it go, it keeps happening, so you just accept they don't care and try to go with the flow, but the offenses causes withdrawal from the person, is that bitterness and holding on to the offense when you don't feel bitterness? Let's say your wife/husband continually disregards how you feel and even after you told her/him how that hurts, and she/he continually repeats the offensive behavior and then expects closeness later. so does that mean I have to pretend nothing happened and keeps happening and my feelings don't matter and I'm expected to love them like nothing happened? How does one do that? I have forgiven plenty in my life but some things effect the outcome of the healing of the relationship itself with no resolution or amends.. I can let it go for my own healing, but confused how that works in a relationship.

[missmuffet]

I believe I understand what your saying,and thank you. What about if it's continuous , you forgive let it go, it keeps happening, so you just accept they don't care and try to go with the flow, but the offenses causes withdrawal from the person, is that bitterness and holding on to the offense when you don't feel bitterness? Let's say your wife/husband continually disregards how you feel and even after you told her/him how that hurts, and she/he continually repeats the offensive behavior and then expects closeness later. so does that mean I have to pretend nothing happened and keeps happening and my feelings don't matter and I'm expected to love them like nothing happened? How does one do that? I have forgiven plenty in my life but some things effect the outcome of the healing of the relationship itself with no resolution or amends.. I can let it go for my own healing, but confused how that works in a relationship.

It will always keep happening.It is an abusive cycle.They abuse then they say they are sorry and will never do it again and possibly buy you something or take you out to dinner everything is ok for awhile and then it happens all over again.It will never end unless a person gets out of that abusive pattern.A person gets to the point where they do not trust that person any longer.Then the love goes out the back door.

[gamnot]

The following is a blog entry that I made on a psychology forum on the Word Humility

Idols of the Marketplace: The word, humility --------- The concept of humility should not be taken to mean corrupt submissiveness as some people tend to do in our time. Humility could best be understood as the ability to refrain from drawing pre-emptive conclusions; and of being aware of your limitations and the fact that you cannot really tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth concerning any matter. Understanding this meaning of humility would be helpful in maintaing commitment competence and having the ability to refrain from making bad commitments that would be self-destructive. Humility can also be taken to refer to the tendency to refrain from constellatory thinking and avoiding the bad consequences that result from it; the destructiveness of individual persons who do not fit the stereotype. Stereotyping is a common word used in discussions about human behavior and it is certainly relevant to this essay on humility forum. I thought that it might be somewhat relevent to ths topic.

The phrase idols of the market place was used by Francis Bacon to indicate problems stemming from confusion in language use, where a term would mean one thing to one person and something else to another.