Life is hurting a lot right now

[K.S.]

Hello all,  

I'm new here. I hope you all are as well as can be and I'm also hoping I can get there.

I apologize for coming right on out of the blue with complaining. I've been looking for answers to this question for awhile now (Google searches=not helpful) and the question has only gotten bigger and more pressing. I am aware that it may be my current situation at the moment that is the cause of my concern. I look forward to changing it as soon as I can. 

Here goes, I guess:

I am 19 years old. I suffer from social anxiety and depression, and anger is a problem with me as well. I've thought of suicide quite a bit, but I know that I'll go to Hell if I do. I've had suicidal and homicidal ideations and they scare me. As much as I want to tell my parents about it and get help, I'm sure they'll tell me I'm being dramatic (based on 'conversations' I've had with them before). I feel really trapped and sometimes I wish I could erase my entire being from existence altogether.

I've been raised in a Christian household since birth. Both my parents, especially my mother, are Christians. Though they aren't perfect and don't have the best way of handling conflict, they are good parents. However, I harbor some resentment towards them and my younger brother. I am still trying to forgive them a bit each time as I feel they were inconsistent and hurtful with the way they interacted with me and each other. We don't sit and talk things out. It's usually a yelling match where the one with the most authority (dad or mom) decides everything and everyone else has to shut up and go with it. As a result, things were/are somewhat out of order and feelings were/are stepped on.

My brother, who is the youngest, does things to aggravate me but my parents don't care unless it affects them somehow. He does things that are less than considerate and less than sanitary. It has been this way since he was old enough to walk. He'd destroy my things and get excused because 'he did't know better'. None of my things were replaced and some of those things were one of a kind (artwork I made) . Back then, I hated that he'd destroy my stuff. Now however, I don't think it's the fact that my stuff is gone, but the lack of respect for me that really upsets me. He is now 16 years old, things haven't changed much, and he just does not listen. My parents are tired of my 'complaining'. I can't talk to him and have him take me seriously because he has (indirectly) been taught that it is ok to take everything as a joke, including me. It hurts. I don't like him. I share a room with him. I want to get away from him. 

I want to move out as soon as I can because I think distance will do me good. I can't take so much of this stress anymore and I'm scared that it will greatly impact my health. I already have digestive problems and get frequent migraines.

I'm not interested in college, however because of the fact that it seems to be getting more expensive but the degree one might get from it is less credible to future employers. I've people at my church on my case about it and even random people (who hop right on that subject once they hear my age or when I graduated). I just want to leave and be in peace. 

My circle of friends is small and shrinking by the moment and I'm sure I'm losing my best friend right now, as we are both on different paths. I feel very alone, though I have been assured that God is with me. I am numb there. I cannot feel him. I cannot feel anything for him or anything I've read in the Bible. I pray and I pray and I end up sobbing because I just can't feel anything but frustration and upset. 

I am not sure I will be able to make any new friends as I have never been an interesting person. No matter what I do, I never seem to be able to attract others' positive attention. I regret having been the 'good student'. My brother misbehaves and everyone pays more attention to him. He has lots of friends and people who like to be around him. The one time I did feel the least bit important was when I was in middle school and telling 'not so clean' jokes. Lots of people wanted to hang out with me then. When I stopped (I heard that 'coarse joking' is wrong), my 'friends' left me. No one wants to hang around with the 'innocent' Christian girl. People treat me like I'm 5 because they think I haven't heard/seen NSFW things before. I feel excluded and I hate it. 

I am bored with life. I want to have fun but there isn't much I am able to do until I am able to get a job, save up enough money to move and sustain myself, and find something that I can do as a Christian that is actually fun.

I'm volunteering at places right now and that's a nice feeling (seeing others happy because they've received help). I want to be happy too, though. I can't remember the last time I truly felt gleeful. Life has lost it's thrill and I am not sure when or how I will be able to find it again. 

I apologize that this is so long. Thank you for reading it, though. I will be glad to receive any helpful feedback on this. 

 

[Hidden In Him]

2 hours ago, K.S. said:

My brother, who is the youngest, does things to aggravate me but my parents don't care unless it affects them somehow. He does things that are less than considerate and less than sanitary. It has been this way since he was old enough to walk. He'd destroy my things and get excused because 'he did't know better'. None of my things were replaced and some of those things were one of a kind (artwork I made) . Back then, I hated that he'd destroy my stuff. Now however, I don't think it's the fact that my stuff is gone, but the lack of respect for me that really upsets me. He is now 16 years old, things haven't changed much, and he just does not listen. My parents are tired of my 'complaining'. I can't talk to him and have him take me seriously because he has (indirectly) been taught that it is ok to take everything as a joke, including me. It hurts. I don't like him. I share a room with him. I want to get away from him. 

 

Let me give you a short word of encouragement here. I and my wife are friends with a family who have two daughters and a son, and the son used to be absolutely obnoxious sometimes when we would go over there for holiday gatherings and such. One day, I was sitting in the living room with a plate of food (Too many guests to sit at the table, and besides I wanted to watch TV anyway). So here he comes. He stops and stands right in front of me, stares at me, then looks down at my plate and starts taking things off of it that he wanted. I think I was hungry at the time, and combined with all the other stuff he used to do, it set me off. I didn't react, but BOY did I want to. I told my wife I was afraid to go over there much anymore, for fear of potentially striking a child, or at the most giving him a very demonstrative lecture on how rude it is to just walk up and start digging in someone's plate. Then the parents would get upset, and possibly a rift would be created between the two families. 

Well, long story short, the father went through something of a spiritual conversion to getting far more serious about his Christianity a few years later, and one of the things that changed was the extent to which he began disciplining his children. That boy has grown up to be one of the sweetest, kindest and gentlest young men to be around. I think he was actually longing for someone to take authority over him at the time, and his behavior was a way of reaching out for it. But I would not have done it the right way, whereas God found a way; the right one. The upshot to the whole thing is that I am very grateful I kept ahold of myself with him, or today I might be remembered as being a hot-head. So trust God to deal with them. As the scripture says, "in meekness [we should] correct them that oppose us, if peradventure God may grant them repentance unto an acknowledging of the truth." Or in other words, keep your behavior pure, so that if they do come to a place of repenting of the way they treated you before God, they will remember you as someone who was merciful to them in their sins and acknowledge you for it.

2 hours ago, K.S. said:

I want to move out as soon as I can because I think distance will do me good. I can't take so much of this stress anymore and I'm scared that it will greatly impact my health. I already have digestive problems and get frequent migraines.

I do recommend you do this, and I would begin asking the Lord in prayer regularly, daily, to help me find a way to do so.

2 hours ago, K.S. said:

I'm not interested in college, however because of the fact that it seems to be getting more expensive but the degree one might get from it is less credible to future employers. I've people at my church on my case about it and even random people (who hop right on that subject once they hear my age or when I graduated). I just want to leave and be in peace.

I agree. A college degree is more overrated these days than it once was. Unless you feel very much led without question to go in a certain direction that requires a college education, I would focus more on just finding a job where you can support yourself, then maybe worry about more career-oriented things once you have gotten yourself established.

2 hours ago, K.S. said:

My circle of friends is small and shrinking by the moment and I'm sure I'm losing my best friend right now, as we are both on different paths. I feel very alone, though I have been assured that God is with me. I am numb there. I cannot feel him. I cannot feel anything for him or anything I've read in the Bible. I pray and I pray and I end up sobbing because I just can't feel anything but frustration and upset. 

I've responded to this one in a similar thread. I will see if I can't find it and repost it here.

2 hours ago, K.S. said:

I am not sure I will be able to make any new friends as I have never been an interesting person. No matter what I do, I never seem to be able to attract others' positive attention. I regret having been the 'good student'. My brother misbehaves and everyone pays more attention to him. He has lots of friends and people who like to be around him. The one time I did feel the least bit important was when I was in middle school and telling 'not so clean' jokes. Lots of people wanted to hang out with me then. When I stopped (I heard that 'coarse joking' is wrong), my 'friends' left me. No one wants to hang around with the 'innocent' Christian girl. People treat me like I'm 5 because they think I haven't heard/seen NSFW things before. I feel excluded and I hate it. 

Oh, please! That's just Satan's nonsense. You don't need friends like that anyway. Follow Christ and He will give you friends you don't need to use crude humor around to be liked.  

2 hours ago, K.S. said:

I am bored with life. I want to have fun but there isn't much I am able to do until I am able to get a job, save up enough money to move and sustain myself, and find something that I can do as a Christian that is actually fun.

So PRAY about these things, all of them, specifically, and keep praying until you start receiving some answers to your prayers. You are in some ways in a good position, because you are in a place with many needs. And if you will lean on Him increasingly, you will see those needs starting to get met, which will increase your faith.

2 hours ago, K.S. said:

I'm volunteering at places right now and that's a nice feeling (seeing others happy because they've received help). I want to be happy too, though. I can't remember the last time I truly felt gleeful. Life has lost it's thrill and I am not sure when or how I will be able to find it again. 

You're 19, for Heaven's sake! Things will be fine, you just need to start leaning increasingly on God in prayer for these concerns, and then focusing on the positives in your life. Read Philippians 4:8 daily, even hourly. It will keep you in the right Spirit.

I'll see if I can find my other post, and please forgive any typos. This was a long answer to write out.
 

Edited April 8, 2018 by Hidden In Him

[GandalfTheWise]

1 hour ago, K.S. said:

Hello all,  

I'm new here. I hope you all are as well as can be and I'm also hoping I can get there.

I apologize for coming right on out of the blue with complaining. I've been looking for answers to this question for awhile now (Google searches=not helpful) and the question has only gotten bigger and more pressing. I am aware that it may be my current situation at the moment that is the cause of my concern. I look forward to changing it as soon as I can. 

[Edited for space]

I am bored with life. I want to have fun but there isn't much I am able to do until I am able to get a job, save up enough money to move and sustain myself, and find something that I can do as a Christian that is actually fun.

I'm volunteering at places right now and that's a nice feeling (seeing others happy because they've received help). I want to be happy too, though. I can't remember the last time I truly felt gleeful. Life has lost it's thrill and I am not sure when or how I will be able to find it again. 

I apologize that this is so long. Thank you for reading it, though. I will be glad to receive any helpful feedback on this. 

Hi K.S.  

Hang in there.  No worries about a first post "complaining".  Most of us have had ups and downs at various times, some quite severe.  That's not to make light of what you've said, just to point out you are not alone in situations like yours.  Many here have walked a similar path at times (and some are still going through it).

Speaking as mid-50s man and a Christian since I was 12, I've come to see that the most important thing in our walk with God is to learn to see ourselves through His eyes.  You are a unique creation, a treasure, a work of art that God is composing, authoring, painting, sculpting, weaving, etc. to uniquely reflect His glory to the world.  It is not so much about finding fulfilling things to do as learning who God has created you to be and walking with Him as that unique person.  For all of us, our prayer times, bible reading, being with other Christians, ministry, and such other things, will all look different.  Some of us pray best when sitting along, others when taking a walk, others when driving to work.  Some of us pray best in the morning, or the evening, or at various times throughout the day.  When we learn to walk with God as the unique person He has made us to be, those things start to flow and become a natural part of our life.

When I was in my 40s, God plopped me in front of a figurative mirror, made me look at myself, and I had no clue who I was.  I was living a solid Christian life, in many ways a good example of how a Christian should live, I had a good marriage and kids, a good career, and was very involved in many ministries.  However, God forced me into  a position where I realized that I had no clue who I really was.  It was not that my life was bad, but that God had something much better in store for me.   My identity was wrapped up in being a good Christian, a good husband, a good father, a good employee, a good church member, etc., but I had no clue who I really was.  During this time, I hit a point of complete burn out and frankly couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror and nothing I had done before really brought me any comfort.  Over a period of a year or so, God slowly opened my eyes as to who He made me to be.  I emerged from this time completely different.  I started walking through life with a clear sense of identity as to who I was.  I found that life became enjoyable and the life and spirituality was just naturally flowing out from me.  I was able to focus on doing activities that allowed me to simply be me.  Though my life around me had not actually changed;  I had changed and my life felt different.  My wife and daughters even started commenting about how different I seemed.

One book I found insightful in this process was "Waking the Dead" by John Eldridge.  My wife and daughters also liked "Captivating" by John and Staci Eldridge.  Overall, I've found that life consists much more of knowing who God made us to be and walking as that person rather than figuring out what things to do.

 

 

[Hidden In Him]

Here.

This is the thread I was referring to. This person sounds like you in some ways, so maybe you two would have something in common to talk about.

Anyway, read my response in it. It would be similar for your situation as well.

 

[shanee]

Hello,It may be tough right now but a smooth sea never made a skill full sailor.As i read your post i think to myself you have learned something that took me wayyyy longer to learn.If you are in a unfair place of living dont worry to much because when you get a place of your own or with good people there isnt problems  like that.Sometimes its just rough waiting for the move.

   And you always have friends in the Kingdom even if you dont know them.(the way i see it anyway) I dont know why(or how to exsplain it) but after reading your post i think you are going to do big things for God and be very Blessed.

And sometimes things can seem so bad and for so long...been there myself...but things get better.Agape

 

 

 

[Chi]

Hello beautiful lady! Thank you for opening up and sharing, it’s a big step already. 

I am praying for you to Be filled with the peace and joy that you need. I think it’s beautiful that you find joy in serving. I would like to encourage you to keep on living in purity, friends who only stick around because of impurity are not the kind of people that you need to support you! “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭13:20‬

I will keep on praying for you

 

[Melissa7]

Hello K.S...Welcome!  I don't have anything to add to what others have mentioned. My hope is that you will continue coming here for help and guidance. Just being around true, sincere Christians can have a positive influence in your life. 

[BK1110]

Parent's greatest responsibility is to raise their children the right way. Sounds like your parents have failed in that God-given task with your brother, at least to some extent. That may be the source of a lot of your frustration with them.

Hang tough. Now is the time to draw in close to God and strong, genuine Christians. I have no idea what your church is like or the members there, but search for strong, true Christians to be around. Even if they're older than you, you're an adult now, and their guidance will help you.

[Debp]

Lots of good advice for you already given so I will just add:

If you don't want to do college, I do suggest that you try to get some type of training.  This will make it much easier on you in the future.

[ladypeartree]

My first thought here was " typical families " and believe me I have a large family but I am also rather concerned that at 19 you are expected to share a bedroom with your 16 year old brother ( it is actually illegal in this country for siblings of different gender to share after the age of 10 ) so I really understand your need for some privacy However if it is not possible for you to have your own room at home then you need to get a job that pays what you can actually live on as whilst you are living under your parents roof and they are supporting you then you don't get much say on what goes on 

Is this right ???? NO but it is a fact of life that we cant all be perfect nor live in a perfect world here and add in teenage hormones and normal anxiety and no wonder you feel the way you do One day your brother will grow up but don't hold your breath whilst waiting as boys take a  lot longer than girls to mature 

Stop looking for friends and try to BE ONE ...look around you and I am sure you will find other lonely people that may be just waiting and hoping for someone to befriend them. 

You say your parents were " less than perfect "   well in this world that goes for every human and especially parents. Have you thought that they may have felt your criticism and resented it as they were doing the best they could ?

You admit you have " anger issues " so you too are " not perfect "  IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE PERFECT  what we find acceptable behaviour others may not . What we find obnoxious in one person may be just a source of mild annoyance in another especially when we don't have to live in close quarters with those people  Try with starting to REALLY forgive and let  go of past hurts as in truth holding on to resentments only hurts YOU ( yes I know so  not easy to do ) Get a book and write down things that have made you happy and things that have made you really unhappy each day and see if you can change just one thing about YOU that could help to make you happier 

WE CANNOT CHANGE THOSE AROUND US BUT WE CAN TRY TO CHANGE OURSELVES FOR THE BETTER  and by doing that we set a better example for those around us 

You want to leave home and that is natural but the grass is NOT always greener on the other side ... I left home at 16 and believe me I could tell you some horror stories as it is not always easy to live on your own nor be the only one responsible for your needs let alone your wants but it is normal to want to" leave the nest " so get a job ..any job and go from there 

Praying for you and your family that you may find peace and happiness xxxxx