Wife fell out of love

[HikerMom]

Hi onedirection.....

I know you want to save your marriage but maybe you are  making that an idol?  Maybe I am getting the wrong impression but it just seems your focus is in the wrong place.  You can't change another person.  Work on yourself & your relationship with God & quit trying to change your wife.  You can love her & respect whatever decisions she makes.  It just seems like there is so much manipulation going on at times here in your actions & in some people's advice.  You can't control how this turns out.  You can love her & leave her free to make her own decision just as God gives us free will.  

And yes, I agree with Marilyn....what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart.  You are bitter & demeaning & somewhat judgmental of your wife.  She is trying to help you by being honest.  I think you need to learn what love really is.  Sometimes we are so broken from the way we were raised that we don't know how to love another person.  

Saying a prayer for you today.

 

 

[onedirection]

@Sharky and George

You mentioned the word drain, it is interesting that you said that at this particular time. Throughout yesterday and today that is exactly what I'm feeling, completely drained from loving her and getting nothing back. I need to take a break. I can love her all the same and not pick up crumbs behind her as she walks.

@HikerMom yes, in the past I do think I made this marriage too much of an idol, but at the same time the bible says to cleave to your wife, trying to discern between the two is not easy.

The 6 month timeframe has been in my mind for awhile, from marriage books, prayer, and based on my wife's feedback. Oddly enough that just about puts us at Christmas. With the drain I feel right now, I'm not sure I can make it, but I've felt this way before so hopefully I can pray and get past it.

I'm also getting confused from many of the biblical interpretations that are out there. For example @Marilyn C mentions not to go overboard. This is very clever, because there is a school of thought that by serving her in this way I could be doing her a disservice by: not holding her accountable for her sins (not that I'm supposed to be the one judging, but because I'm enabling the behavior), by keeping her in the marriage I'm allowing her to continue sinning whereas if I let her go and she was single, it would no longer be a sin.

So anyway, the next steps on my heart for this week are:

1. Get a new individual counselor from the church (or go see the pastor) to get some answers so I'm not misinterpreting anything.
2. Shop a few divorce lawyers to make sure I'm prepared in the event I get blindsided by something. For example, if I'm at risk to lose child custody because I have a travel job, then I need to switch jobs.

 

[Sharky and George]

@onedirection

Lightbulb, ipithiny moment Bro. That is how I felt and she got so hard to be with. I did not blow up at her, said see you in three days and now after one day I feel like I want to see her again and I am looking forward to it. ?

 

Deep down, she will miss you too and when your back you will have nice time.

 

If it gets hard again then repeat this again - give it another break.

[Zoltan777]

Maybe it's not the best advice... But when your wife fell out of love with you and you did what possible you can to bring her back the only thing you can do is to get separated by physically to see if she wants you back after a while. If not.... it's time to devorce.

To be honest -talking from my own experience - most of the women needs to experience the distance of their husband to feel craving.

Edited September 17, 2018 by Zoltan777

[Annette]

Hi OneDirection 

I am glad you took the time to share here at Worthy. I know that in any given group situation,  I've the the are more than two people involved in a conversation,  that you will get more and more opinions. As such, I have been hesitant to comment. 

I have often found that difficult circumstances often end up changing me.  I think of some of the times that I have grown the most and can point back to difficult times. 

I know that being in a difficult situation is not easy,  but one thing I am so grateful for,  is that we don't have to face the situation alone. We have a friend who sticks closer than a brother. 

I will keep you and your wife in prayer.  

I pray for strength for each day for both of you. 

One thing that came to mind as I thought about writing was to write down and recall happy memories and moments that made your wife stand out to you.  And if writing is not something that comes easily to you,  I totally understand that too. I just find that when my attitude changes, that often times my approach changes too.

I feel for your pain,  and like I said,  I know you have had a lot of input. So what I share is just that, sharing from my own experience. 

God bless. 

[onedirection]

Thanks @Annette I really appreciate the prayers. After trying for so many months, this is definitely a sour downturn. We have a worship event at church on Wednesday, I'm going to go be surrounded by my congregation.

@Zoltan777 I don't think separation is an option, its either all or nothing. The best I can do to create some distance is to stop slaving over her, but who knows, its all in His hands.

[george747]

My heart truly goes out to you as you experience these marital struggles...I'll be praying for you.

[HikerMom]

on@onedirection....it's not about being clever...you are too much in your head analyzing & not enough in your heart.  Put yourself in her position & try to understand her.  It's not up to you to hold her accountable.  She doesn't need a parent.  She needs a partner.  Sure you need to have good boundaries..but that is about protecting yourself NOT about trying to change her behavior in some way by holding her accountable.  You cannot change her!!  Henry Cloud has some great books called "Boundaries in Marriage."  I just think you are thinking, thinking, & overthinking.  Try just using your heart a little more.  It is a big piece of what's missing for you....

[Marilyn C]

8 hours ago, onedirection said:

 

Hi onedirection,

I believe HikerMom has given you godly advice. It is time to stop going hither and thither and running to and fro seeking a one cure all. Just stop! Emotionally you are wearing yourself out and it`s like you pray but then grab the wheel from the Lord and try this road, that road, and back again. Stop! Take you hands right off the wheel of trying to sort this out.

Settle down, take a deep breath, breathe some more and go quietly about you day. Seek to be stable, seek to just continue to be thankful, seek to give the LORD TIME to show you HIS DIRECTION. And that is when YOU HAVE SETTLED DOWN. The glory will not go to this or that BUT TO THE LORD, who is the restorer of all things.

praying Marilyn.

[Annette]

On 9/17/2018 at 2:48 PM, onedirection said:

Thanks @Annette I really appreciate the prayers. After trying for so many months, this is definitely a sour downturn. We have a worship event at church on Wednesday, I'm going to go be surrounded by my congregation.

@Zoltan777 I don't think separation is an option, its either all or nothing. The best I can do to create some distance is to stop slaving over her, but who knows, its all in His hands.

You are welcome One Direction. It is great that we can pray for one another. Will keep praying.