Physically sick thinking about Christmas with inlaws

[dodoconway79]

Long story short... there was a falling out 5 years ago. Many cruel things said and done, both sides. I have profusely apologized for my part. They have not. Not a one of them. It was between my MIL and me, so naturally, she played the victim and garnered all of their support. Me against them. 
I still need to work on complete forgiveness. I am getting there, but I do not desire reconciliation. At all. I want NOTHING to do with them.
Husband is fine to go alone for Christmas. Problem is, we have 9 kids. So, not only will I be judged for not going, I will be judged for making my poor husband go alone to take care of 9 kids... which of course, is only a woman's job. (sarcasm)
I will be judged no matter what I do.
I am physically sick over the thought of having to spend hours with them. We have not spoken over the past year. I don't understand why we are getting together now and doing this crap when no one cares if I am there or not.
I don't want to be there. They don't want me there. So why pretend?
This is the only thing in my life that causes division between my husband and myself.
I don't know what to do.
The things I am concerned about are:
1. Being a terrible example to my children
2. Getting judged
3. Putting my husband in a terrible position

Every time I think about having to go, I start crying. It's that bad. And I do not cry. I am not dramatic or whiny or anything of the sort. So the fact that this is tearing me up like it is indicates how big of an issue it is.
Help. Please help. I am sick over this.

[dodoconway79]

Yes, i am doing that, and making slow progress... but then forced visits arrive, and it's a setback. What do I do in the meantime? I feel like if I could just get enough time away, I could heal like I needed to and maybe get to a good place. But right now, it's like a bad burn. And every time I try to heal the burn, I am exposed to the flame again...

 

[ladypeartree]

ok so why are you going ?   I know it is Christmas but it is not compulsory to go visit people that upset you just because  it is " the season of goodwill " ( the magi didn't get there on the day of the Lords birth either ) and having someone there who would rather be ANYWHERE else wont make for a good day for anyone If you were ill would everyone still expect you to go ? so why are you making yourself ill over this sit down with your husband and TALK to him   How long are you supposed to be there ? If it is longer than one day can you stay in a motel or something and just go for one meal ? If it is just local and for one day then you have two choices go and make everyone miserable or don't go and have a well earned day off ( with 9 children you deserve one )  Is there some reason that your husband cant look after the children himself ? After all you do it every single day 

Should you forgive ? YES but that doesn't mean putting yourself back in harms way  ( I forgave my husband for his violent abuse didn't mean I could face living with him again )  

[Guest 1sheep]

Hello beloved. I sense the angst in your words. I feel for your situation. 

Im going to try to give you something to think about. 

Now first Ill say I dont know the entire story so this will sound trite to you possibly but I hope you can bear with me. If you stay in these negative thoughts you will be miserable. It is in your power to be happy today. Focus on your blessings. Shake yourself out of this funk your deep dark thoughts have taken you! 

You have a big family yourself. They are going. 

They love the woman you are all in knots about. It is Christmas! Its ONE DAY. GO ! 

Smile. Laugh. Do it all for the glory of Christ and YOUR family. One day. Fake it and do not fail. Do it for the kids sake. Its just one day. Dont let anything tear you from your family today. Not even your disdain and angst. Dont focus on her. Focus on your family. Stay there and do it for them. Do not allow yourself to give harsh looks her way or say something snide or cutting. Just be there because you have a big beautiful family that YOU BELONG WITH! 

Put on your big girl pants. Put on your game face. Ask the Lord to help you and just do it. 

As parents and spouses we sometimes must simply do things for others and stop with the focus on self on days like this. It is one day of 365 days. Think of it like that! One day! I know you can do this if you take focus from self and onto your 9 kids. 

You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. 

Think on truly lovely things . 

Focus on positive. Put that game face on. Fake it till you make it. Its one day. Only one day! Look at it as a challenge that you wont fail. ONE DAY. CHALLENGE. For kids and hubby and for the glory of Christ! 

Get prettied up and go. Smile. Laugh! Enjoy what you have . You have a family. Go for them and enjoy the day . Focus on what is good. Love is selfless. You know that right? Im rooting for you. You got this. Ill keep you in prayer for Gods strength and your extending grace. 

Merry Christmas! 

 

God bless you

[GandalfTheWise]

1 hour ago, dodoconway79 said:

Yes, i am doing that, and making slow progress... but then forced visits arrive, and it's a setback. What do I do in the meantime? I feel like if I could just get enough time away, I could heal like I needed to and maybe get to a good place. But right now, it's like a bad burn. And every time I try to heal the burn, I am exposed to the flame again...

 

Tests and trials often reveal what is inside of us.  Sometimes (not always, but sometimes) things like this are God's way of forcing us to deal with things we'd rather ignore and let be.   Sometimes it does take time (and separation) to heal;  sometimes time just lets things fester inside.  Sometimes those things God wants us to deal with and be healed of might be obvious and sometimes not.  Sometimes there are root causes of things that affect many areas of our lives.  We get focused on all the symptoms when there might just be one or a few things God wants to heal inside of us.  Sometimes there are things we can fix in our lives by deciding to change and working on them;  sometimes there are things that we cannot fix ourselves and need God's healing and help to change.

In the big picture, is there something inside of you that God wants to deal with and heal in some way that goes deeper and pre-dates the fights within your family?   I know myself that I had a few lies buried in my heart that I'd carried around since childhood that affected my relationships with others for much of my adult life.  When God healed me of those things, I instantly saw changes in my attitudes and feelings and in my interactions with others.  Things that had bothered me and hindered me my entire life just vanished.  Within a few weeks, my wife and kids commented on how much I had just changed.  I've heard similar testimonies from others.  

 

 

[Blood Bought 1953]

 

I used to force myself to endure this agony every year.Forcing myself to spend hours  around insensitive creeps,walking on eggshells, bring utterly miserable with a big plastic smile on my face.Just to keep everybody happy. Looking back, I wish I’d had the guts to confront these creeps and just tell them the truth.Its strange how all the people that offend others never have a clue and they are all just having a big old time.You don’t like them, they do not like you and if that is the truth, everybody should own up to it and you should stop uundergoing all this torture, to prevent the judgements that are there anyway.Forgiving somebody absolutely does not mean you have to hang around them.Try your best  to forgive them, avoid them and move on and if anybody wants to know why, just explain it with the honesty that you displayed here.You owe these clods nothing.Tell your hubby to put on his big- boy pants—- he will do fine.God bless.

 

 

[other one]

your main problem is that deep down you care what they think about you...…   until you get a grip on that, it will haunt you....    Don't let your MIL do this to you....   just go and keep the attitude our First Lady has....    "I dont' care."      it will set you free...    I've been there more than once.

[AnOrangeCat]

Hello. First off I completely get what you mean about trying to forgive but getting continually burned. Sometimes distance is needed to do it. Have you spoken with your husband about this? I'm curious about what his perspective is.

[discipler777]

On 12/24/2018 at 9:13 PM, dodoconway79 said:

Problem is, we have 9 kids. So, not only will I be judged for not going, I will be judged for making my poor husband go alone to take care of 9 kids... which of course, is only a woman's job. (sarcasm)

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GENESIS.2:14 (NKJV) = 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

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Seems you and your MIL are tussling over the affections/love of your husband aka her son. You need to stake your claim over your husband's affections/love against your MIL as per the Word of God above, eg demand and/or persuade your husband and kids to stay with you for Christmas.

To love God is foremost or paramount. God has commanded your husband to first love you as his ownself(= his mother can be second) and you to submit to his headship or leadership of your household or family.(EPHESIANS.5:22-33) OTOH, your husband should honor his mother and father by ensuring that they live long on this earth, eg by seeing to their financial needs.(EXODUS.20:12)

No one can help or bless you if you do not obey the Word of God to stake your rightful claim over your husband's affections/love against your MIL.

Why pray to God to be fed when God has already equipped us to be able to work and feed ourselves.?  OTOH, we need to pray to God when we are suffering and helpless against our powerful persecutors = "love" your enemy to death.(ROMANS.12:19-21)

In normal times, the law/commandment/Word of God to "hate your enemy and love your neighbor/friend as yourself" still applies for believers.

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MATTHEW.4:4/DEUT.8:3 (NKJV) = 4 But He answered and said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.’ ”

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Edited December 25, 2018 by discipler777

[ladypeartree]

No matter which way it went I do hope you had the best Christmas you could have in the circumstances and now you have a whole year to sort out how to make the next one better