Need help in dealing with adult kids and their spouses/SOs leaving me out

[scott864]

I'm a widower with two adult children(23 and 26) and a teenager(16). My oldest son got married last year. The woman he married comes from a wealthy family and as a result they are able to give my son and his wife a lot of things. My late wife and I had a lot of financial struggles because she had multiple sclerosis. We were never able to take family vacations anywhere and our kids never went to stuff nearby like sporting events, concerts, and amusement parks. My son's in-laws take them to concerts, NFL, MLB, NHL games, and vacations. They went to Hawaii two weeks ago and I have to admit that I was very sad seeing their pictures on Facebook and Instagram. Part of it kills me because I wasn't able to give my kids nice vacations and other events.   My son spends a lot of time with his in-laws and not much time with me. It's hard for me to discuss this with many people because I get accused right away of being an intrusive in-law. I see a lot of double standards in our society regarding adults and their parents. It's seen as perfectly fine for parents of an adult woman to want to spend time with their daughter, spouse, and kids. But, when parents of an adult man want to spend time with their sons, they are seen as overbearing, intrusive, and pushy.  

In addition to trying to talk about my issue, I've done research and I have seen websites like DWIL on babycenter, WeddingBee, WeddingWire, and various sites where women talk about hating their boyfriends or husbands' families and it seems like our society basically encourages that kind of behavior. On Wedding Wire, there is a thread of women happily talking about leaving their in-laws from wedding and pre-wedding activities. While I know some people can be mean to their daughter-in-laws and son-in-laws, it seems when the opposite happens like son-in-law and daughter-in-laws leaving out their in-laws or being mean to them, it's just accepted and women especially don't get called out for mistreating their in-laws.

My other son is 23 and this is starting to happen with his girlfriend. His girlfriend and her parents take them out constantly to concerts and games. I invite them to BBQs at my house and I'm always turned down because they are off somewhere with her parents and family. I'm tired of being mistreated by my sons, older son's wife, and other son's girlfriend. I'm upset that our socieyt basically thinks it's ok for women to leave out and be mean to their in-laws. 

My son's wife just annouced that they are expecting their first child and I'm already upset because I know I will be left out of that child's life for different reasons. I won't be able to give that child nice gifts like my son's in-laws will be able to do.

I'm really hurting these days and I don't know what to do. 

[Zemke]

These emotions are tough to deal with and real. There's nothing wrong having the feelings but actions we take that subdue or inflate can make all the differance. The first thing that comes to mind is you having a 16 year old and ALL your attention and energy should go toward that human being. Children when older, especially boys, will drift and you need to let it go. Gear yourself to the one child still with you by simply listening to whatever they have to say. They can tell if you're listening or not. You just keep telling yourself to let it go. You've been through difficult times, I'm sure you can handle this.

Sixteen is tough so don't expect much and many times it's the little things. Food, lodging, clothes, the basic needs and when they do speak put down the book, the phone, the hammer or wrench or a "Hold on just one moment...okay, what's up?

Your saving grace in this situation is your youngest. You still have parenting to do but not with the adult sons, you're done. You'll always be dad, the other inlaws will never be and your boys know the situation. At some point you'll get over it and will be happy for your boys but again you're a dad still with a 16 year old. He/she doesn't deserve to wear any, and I mean any, of your struggle with the other kids. 

This will get better. 

Edited March 22, 2019 by Zemke

[missmuffet]

1 hour ago, scott864 said:

I'm a widower with two adult children(23 and 26) and a teenager(16). My oldest son got married last year. The woman he married comes from a wealthy family and as a result they are able to give my son and his wife a lot of things. My late wife and I had a lot of financial struggles because she had multiple sclerosis. We were never able to take family vacations anywhere and our kids never went to stuff nearby like sporting events, concerts, and amusement parks. My son's in-laws take them to concerts, NFL, MLB, NHL games, and vacations. They went to Hawaii two weeks ago and I have to admit that I was very sad seeing their pictures on Facebook and Instagram. Part of it kills me because I wasn't able to give my kids nice vacations and other events.   My son spends a lot of time with his in-laws and not much time with me. It's hard for me to discuss this with many people because I get accused right away of being an intrusive in-law. I see a lot of double standards in our society regarding adults and their parents. It's seen as perfectly fine for parents of an adult woman to want to spend time with their daughter, spouse, and kids. But, when parents of an adult man want to spend time with their sons, they are seen as overbearing, intrusive, and pushy.  

In addition to trying to talk about my issue, I've done research and I have seen websites like DWIL on babycenter, WeddingBee, WeddingWire, and various sites where women talk about hating their boyfriends or husbands' families and it seems like our society basically encourages that kind of behavior. On Wedding Wire, there is a thread of women happily talking about leaving their in-laws from wedding and pre-wedding activities. While I know some people can be mean to their daughter-in-laws and son-in-laws, it seems when the opposite happens like son-in-law and daughter-in-laws leaving out their in-laws or being mean to them, it's just accepted and women especially don't get called out for mistreating their in-laws.

My other son is 23 and this is starting to happen with his girlfriend. His girlfriend and her parents take them out constantly to concerts and games. I invite them to BBQs at my house and I'm always turned down because they are off somewhere with her parents and family. I'm tired of being mistreated by my sons, older son's wife, and other son's girlfriend. I'm upset that our socieyt basically thinks it's ok for women to leave out and be mean to their in-laws. 

My son's wife just annouced that they are expecting their first child and I'm already upset because I know I will be left out of that child's life for different reasons. I won't be able to give that child nice gifts like my son's in-laws will be able to do.

I'm really hurting these days and I don't know what to do. 

I do not know why you are being left out of your children's lives. I don't know the whole story. You can give this to God. Pray for your children.. 

[Who me]

It is tough being the unpopular grandparent.

As has been said your priority is your third son.

A couple of questions.

How well do your sons get on? Is your eldest happy to hang out with your youngest? ditto the middle one?

How much of a handiman are you?

Keep in touch, remember all birthdays, wedding anns etc

It is strange what grabs kids, they are use to the smart and modern while what you have is more 'unusual' and that can be a draw.

My kids loved visiting my inlaws because it was different and Granda has Chickens that they could feed.

Last point. Ask your son if he is ashamed of where he came from, is that why he won't visit.

[scott864]

41 minutes ago, Who me said:

It is tough being the unpopular grandparent.

As has been said your priority is your third son.

A couple of questions.

How well do your sons get on? Is your eldest happy to hang out with your youngest? ditto the middle one?

How much of a handiman are you?

Keep in touch, remember all birthdays, wedding anns etc

It is strange what grabs kids, they are use to the smart and modern while what you have is more 'unusual' and that can be a draw.

My kids loved visiting my inlaws because it was different and Granda has Chickens that they could feed.

Last point. Ask your son if he is ashamed of where he came from, is that why he won't visit.

My third child is a girl. I remember all important dates and i also fix stuff for my son and daughter-in-law. 

[scott864]

1 hour ago, Zemke said:

These emotions are tough to deal with and real. There's nothing wrong having the feelings but actions we take that subdue or inflate can make all the differance. The first thing that comes to mind is you having a 16 year old and ALL your attention and energy should go toward that human being. Children when older, especially boys, will drift and you need to let it go. Gear yourself to the one child still with you by simply listening to whatever they have to say. They can tell if you're listening or not. You just keep telling yourself to let it go. You've been through difficult times, I'm sure you can handle this.

Sixteen is tough so don't expect much and many times it's the little things. Food, lodging, clothes, the basic needs and when they do speak put down the book, the phone, the hammer or wrench or a "Hold on just one moment...okay, what's up?

Your saving grace in this situation is your youngest. You still have parenting to do but not with the adult sons, you're done. You'll always be dad, the other inlaws will never be and your boys know the situation. At some point you'll get over it and will be happy for your boys but again you're a dad still with a 16 year old. He/she doesn't deserve to wear any, and I mean any, of your struggle with the other kids. 

This will get better. 

Why should I let this go? I will always love my kids and be their dad and I don't think it's right that you are telling me to let it go. DOn't you think it hurts me that my sons are forgetting about me? I worked my ass off for years to support them monetarily and also emotionally. I did a lot for them and I don't think I should accept them drifting away. 

[Zemke]

14 minutes ago, scott864 said:

Why should I let this go? I will always love my kids and be their dad and I don't think it's right that you are telling me to let it go. DOn't you think it hurts me that my sons are forgetting about me? I worked my ass off for years to support them monetarily and also emotionally. I did a lot for them and I don't think I should accept them drifting away. 

 

 

 

I'm not saying you don't love your kids or you didn't work hard. But children drift and that's a reality but it doesn't mean your sons are forgetting about you. That's your take on the situation. They come back, life has a way of changing coarse. What seems to be a situation not in your favor can next year be different.

I was speaking of letting your emotions go and not your sons concerning them drifting. Those emotions will effect how you deal with the people you have right in front of you. 

Sorry that what I said seemed blunt but I meant it in a caring way. 

Edited March 22, 2019 by Zemke

[Who me]

11 minutes ago, scott864 said:

My third child is a girl. I remember all important dates and i also fix stuff for my son and daughter-in-law.

That is a skill that they should value and certyainly any grandkids will if Granda can take bikes etc apart and rebuild them better and show them how to do it or make go karts etc.

Even more importance is to be there for your daughter, no matter what the tantrums/fights/rows.

She will remember how much you cared for her, no matter how much she hated it at the time.

 

[ladypeartree]

there is a very true saying " a son is a son till he gets him a wife, a daughters a daughter the rest of your life "

Sons need to establish their own household and yes they will have more to do with the wife's family ( see the saying above ) If you feel resentful then it will be uncomfortable when they do visit and the visits will get less .. its a nasty circle  You appear to resent the in laws for having more money to spend than you do but in the end it is not about money it is about love ( one of my daughters is married to the son of a very rich man and they see him perhaps twice a year his grandchildren don't know him at all well but love coming to  me where we do simple things like puddle jumping and baking )  Don't waste your time with your daughter bemoaning what you don't yet have with your sons At least you still get to see them I lost mine one when he was 10 days old and the other when he was 22 years old   Praying for you 

[scott864]

28 minutes ago, ladypeartree said:

there is a very true saying " a son is a son till he gets him a wife, a daughters a daughter the rest of your life "

Sons need to establish their own household and yes they will have more to do with the wife's family ( see the saying above ) If you feel resentful then it will be uncomfortable when they do visit and the visits will get less .. its a nasty circle  You appear to resent the in laws for having more money to spend than you do but in the end it is not about money it is about love ( one of my daughters is married to the son of a very rich man and they see him perhaps twice a year his grandchildren don't know him at all well but love coming to  me where we do simple things like puddle jumping and baking )  Don't waste your time with your daughter bemoaning what you don't yet have with your sons At least you still get to see them I lost mine one when he was 10 days old and the other when he was 22 years old   Praying for you 

I really hate that saying and I don't agree with it all. Again, that saying plays into the double standards. Yes, I do believe both adult men and women should establish their own households, but I don't think the wife's side should have be favored more over the husband's side of the family. That is just unfair and cruel that women's families get precedence over the husband's sides of the family. People like you who push that stupid and ridiculous saying are one of the many things that is wrong with society. 

Edited March 22, 2019 by scott864