How do I deal with my previous church/friend/pastor's family

[enoob57]

17 hours ago, Neighbor said:

Stay away never put ones self in position to be citicised for being alone with someone elses children. Never be alone with the children ever.

In our day and time this is necessary … it doesn't take an event just an accusation and the children know this!

[appy]

On 12/26/2019 at 3:52 PM, mlssufan01 said:

Well, I did, but I've moved so am looking for a new one again.  In either case, just because I don't attend their church doesn't mean we can't reconcile or make peace.

 

On 12/26/2019 at 6:26 PM, mlssufan01 said:

I want to, they don't...I believe people can repent and change...sometimes this plays out differently...but Paul makes it clear:  Shall we go on sinning, that grace may abound?  By no means!  This is the essence of repentance..to turn from our wicked ways..not as a means of salvation, but as evidence of our salvation.

 

17 hours ago, mlssufan01 said:

I'm almost positive she is intentional about...she has actively commented on my profile before (though just a birthday wish) and liked photos and other comments.  I'm about 95% sure it was intentional.  In regards to the kids, I still don't have any clue who wanted to end the friendship.  The best I could gather is one of the kids wanted to end the friendship...but again, I have no idea.  The problem is I feel like I'm not allowed to interact, but then they feel free to interact in whatever way they please...and to me this is the part that is very confusing.  I HAVE respected their wishes--COMPLETELY!

 

17 hours ago, mlssufan01 said:

Ok, this is not exactly what they said.
The pastor's exact words were this :If someone doesn't want relationship, respect it, and embrace them when they come back."
And later on, said, if I came to church I would need "give her the space she needs to process."  So those exact words were never used. 

Besides, I stayed away and have completely left them alone...THEY are the ones liking and commenting, NOT me!

 

15 hours ago, mlssufan01 said:

The thing is, I DO wish to work things out with them.  They just won't have me.  It's like I'm not allowed to contact them but they can do whatever they want, and this is the upsetting part.  I'm happy to talk things over...but at this stage, I've done all I can and I don't want to risk them claiming harassment by me contacting them....they blocked me on insta but then like my fb stuff...it is extremely confusing.  I feel like I'm the bad guy if I just block them and remove them.

I have quoted the posts and highlighted certain parts of them for discussion and possible further discussion if necessary without having to try to go back and wade through the thread looking for a specific post at a later date.

People have the right to create space and set limits between them and others. It is NOT sinful to say “no I do not want to be friends”. Boundaries define expectations and communicates to others what is and is not permissible. Your a older man, that is wanting to remain in contact with a teenage girl in spite of her and her parents saying “I do not want to remain in contact with you”.

It does not matter if that is/was their exact wording, or the exact wording from another pastor or the parents; you fully understand what they have communicated to you. It is absolutely biblical to sever a relationship when that relationship is unhealthy or harmful. When a relationship is proven to be harmful to one's self, physically, emotionally or spiritually that person is NOT required to be reconciled to the offender. Learning to accept “no” from others and not getting upset or resentful about it is essential to godly character.

This situation with the family is not the same as a person hurting another person's feelings where it would be safe and healthy to reconcile the friendship. Your situation is much more serious than hurt feelings. The phone texting between you and the girl had become unhealthy if not detrimental to the girl's well being. They had every right to say how and when you could be in contact with them. A teenager is NOT an adult !! This girl is still a child and under the care of her parents. In this situation, they absolutely do NOT have to restore the relationship.

As I said before, being remorseful and repentant is a good thing. Forgive them, learn from this, and move on!!! As for fb, I find it hard to believe that they would sever all contact and block you from Instagram, but then visit you on fb. I don't think so; you were told 2 yrs or so ago by numerous people in chat to block or unfriend them so that you would not be getting those responses. And you have been given the same advice in this thread. The advice given overall in this thread has not changed from the responses and advice given 2 yrs ago.

 

[Neighbor]

1 hour ago, appy said:

The advice given overall in this thread has not changed from the responses and advice given 2 yrs ago.

The total post is excellent. Thanks for sharing.

 

 

 

[Jayne]

19 hours ago, mlssufan01 said:

The thing is, I DO wish to work things out with them.  They just won't have me.  It's like I'm not allowed to contact them but they can do whatever they want, and this is the upsetting part.  I'm happy to talk things over...but at this stage, I've done all I can and I don't want to risk them claiming harassment by me contacting them....they blocked me on insta but then like my fb stuff...it is extremely confusing.  I feel like I'm the bad guy if I just block them and remove them.

In your original post - whether on this forum or another forum I frequent where you have the same conversation going and people are giving you the same advise - you said this:

•  You made a statement of "thank-you" to your new church for something they had done for you [I don't remember] and the mother of this family at your old church "liked" that post you made.

Maybe she was "liking" that you had found a new church and in her mind - had "moved on".  I agree, she should have just left well enough alone, but I read NOTHING into that - you are driving yourself to ruin obsessing over it.

They aren't going to consider you the "bad guy" if you block them on social media.  They ALREADY CONSIDER you the "bad guy" or they would not have asked to stop texting their minor children.

Whether you did anything wrong or not is not NOW the issue.

The issue NOW is your dusting your feet and walking away. 

The best way for you to do  that is to block the family and NEVER talk about it to others on message boards/chat rooms every again.

The more you discuss this here and on other message boards, the more this is going to grieve you and harm you.

 

 

[appy]

1 hour ago, DustyRoad said:

I pray that this situation doesn't escalate because quite frankly, it's truly alarming. A grown man texting a minor against the wishes of her parents? That any manner of complaint could be contrived and then leveled against this child and/or her parents makes me feel ill... it's been going on for years?

@mlssufan01, you realize what you're about to get yourself into, right? Yeah, the fact that you're actually complaining about a minor child and her parents wanting nothing to do with you, a grown man who was texting their daughter... and then inventing wrongdoing on their part in order to curry sympathy and support here is indicative of a serious problem in need of addressing right away. 

This could easily escalate into criminal problems for you. 

For the purpose of discussion, I would like to say that, even if the texting was simply friendly banter , I agree; it doesn't look good no matter how innocent the conversation from him was your right, this could become a legal matter.

@mlssufan01  even if you had not been texting, the parents and the girl still have the right to set limits as they see fit (boundaries) concerning when, where, how often and with whom, contact is acceptable. This is everyone's right in what is or is not permissible in regards to personal space.  The fact that your complaining about this is problematic.

[enoob57]

1 hour ago, Abby-Joy said:

This is a very damaging statement to assume that every (or most) accusation coming from a child is a false one. I don't think children are being taught to give false accusations. One of the main things that abusers tell children is, "No one will believe you." 

You totally misread what I have written and placed your own assumptions upon it!

[mlssufan01]

3 hours ago, DustyRoad said:

I pray that this situation doesn't escalate because quite frankly, it's truly alarming. A grown man texting a minor against the wishes of her parents? That any manner of complaint could be contrived and then leveled against this child and/or her parents makes me feel ill... it's been going on for years?

@mlssufan01, you realize what you're about to get yourself into, right? Yeah, the fact that you're actually complaining about a minor child and her parents wanting nothing to do with you, a grown man who was texting their daughter... and then inventing wrongdoing on their part in order to curry sympathy and support here is indicative of a serious problem in need of addressing right away. 

This could easily escalate into criminal problems for you. 

To expound...we did text, but not against the wishes of the parents..to my knowledge..then the incident happened; I talked to the pastor/father twice after that, and that is all the interaction.  Also, the girl is not a minor, nor was she at the time of the incident, however we did text before she turned 18.
I think we're missing the point that I have tried to let them go but then they waltz right back in.  To me, this is not ok.  You can't come to someone, call them barely tolerable, end the friendship, and 4 months later just pretend like everything's ok.  I don't understand what's so hard to see here in that I have respected their wishes yet they have not respected me...at all...both in their actions and the worded insults.  Once I knew the girl and I were not welcome to text, for whatever reason, I no longer texted.  I HAVE done my part...so idk why everyone's making me out to be the bad guy.

[mlssufan01]

2 hours ago, Jayne said:

In your original post - whether on this forum or another forum I frequent where you have the same conversation going and people are giving you the same advise - you said this:

•  You made a statement of "thank-you" to your new church for something they had done for you [I don't remember] and the mother of this family at your old church "liked" that post you made.

Maybe she was "liking" that you had found a new church and in her mind - had "moved on".  I agree, she should have just left well enough alone, but I read NOTHING into that - you are driving yourself to ruin obsessing over it.

They aren't going to consider you the "bad guy" if you block them on social media.  They ALREADY CONSIDER you the "bad guy" or they would not have asked to stop texting their minor children.

Whether you did anything wrong or not is not NOW the issue.

The issue NOW is your dusting your feet and walking away. 

The best way for you to do  that is to block the family and NEVER talk about it to others on message boards/chat rooms every again.

The more you discuss this here and on other message boards, the more this is going to grieve you and harm you.

 

For the record...nobody "asked me" to stop texting.  I honestly have no idea who wanted to end the friendship or set boundaries.   All the father said was "if someone doesn't want relationship, respect it, and embrace them when they come back," so it sounded like it was the girl's wish to end the friendship..but again, I really have no idea.

 

[mlssufan01]

1 hour ago, Isaiah53NIV said:

The problem here is that the OP is asking for advice, but is not being truthful about the details as to what happened then and what might be happening now. 

Also, something that bothers me even more is that if this topic is being discussed on multiple forums, there is a chance that this girl or someone who knows her might happen upon one of these discussions. As has already been mentioned, no one from the other side is here to defend themselves, so maybe it is just time this is all stopped.

I think this thread needs to be locked or deleted. 

The problem is not that I'm nt being truthful...the problem is they keep everything vague and confusing.  I have an email or 2 to prove this but I wouldn't think it wise to post...but nothing he ever says or does makes sense.  I have explained it as best as I possibly can.  If I was trying to lie, I wouldn't have told anyone I texted with the pastor's daughter, I am fully aware that alone can look bad even if nothing bad happened.

[Neighbor]

5 hours ago, Abby-Joy said:

I don't think children are being taught to give false accusations.

Yes they are. See McMartin preschool trial accounts as example. The State appointed experts planted false memories in preschool age children by the manner in which they investigated. Look at the records of other trials too it happens.  see  Tonya Craft  video on You tube as another example of what can happen.

It is reason to never ever be in position for this to happen! Never communicate in private with a child with or without parental permission; especially as an adult male with a minor female, always have a witness and an open door.

An adult male or female that has been told  by a child's parent stay away is temping terrible reprocussion ontpo themself by  trying to do it again.