Seeking Guidance on Common Law Marriage

[FeministWhoLovesABeliever]

I am 10 years into a relationship, and very much in love, with a Christian. It was our intention to spend the rest of our life together. But he has recently gone through trauma that deepened his relationship to Christ and now wants a Christian marriage. I am not Christian or called by Jesus. As it stands now, are we one flesh? (Mark 10:6-8)  Can I be saved by him? (Corinthians 7:12-16) Would staying together constitute a new choice to be unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14?)  Would leaving each other constitute adultery? (Matthew 19:9) 

He wants to wait for me to find Jesus. I am pretty certain that won't happen. 

Please, someone, help me find the answers I seek.  (So far, in other places that I've asked, people have responded by trying to convert me. And I'm totally happy to go through that exercise, with an open mind, again and again. But it would be really great if I could also receive answers to my questions.) 

[George]

Shalom FeministWhoLovesABeliever,

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George

[Willa]

Welcome, feminist.  Do  you understand that your are fornicating and there will be no fornicators in heaven?  So you end in destroying him.  That is not love which wants what's best for the other person.  

[FeministWhoLovesABeliever]

no I don’t realize that, nor do I believe the Bible makes it that black and white: 

 

marriage is the union of only two people—a male and female (Matthew 19:5)—for the purpose of covenantal companionship (Genesis 2:18; Malachi 2:14) and the raising up of godly offspring (Genesis 1:28; Malachi 2:15).

I might not know the biblical stance of our relationship but I do know that I love him and want what is best for him. Why else would I be asking these questions here? 

 

Edited April 19, 2020 by FeministWhoLovesABeliever

[FeministWhoLovesABeliever]

So is salvation dependent on not fornicating or, as the bible also says: 

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.

[Coliseum]

1 hour ago, FeministWhoLovesABeliever said:

So is salvation dependent on not fornicating or, as the bible also says: 

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.

Yes. In essence, there are no conditions to the verse you just shared. In 1 Sam 16:7, we read, 
"The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." So we cannot and should not judge what is in a man's heart. But we are given clues by a man's outward behavior as to whether he is living the life of a believer. No one was ever saved by being "good." We are not good. Jesus came to us in our greatest moment of need, and he transforms the heart. It is also not necessarily true that raising your hand, repeating a prayer, or signing a ledger means that a person is automatically saved. Look at the verse you wrote. Do you believe it?  

Loving someone else means that you desire what is best for him. He loves the Lord. God tells us not to be unequally yoked, for the one will side with the other, the other will side with the one, or both will have different priorities in their lives. Jesus wants the best for you. He comes to you with open arms. He does not merely give you gifts. He is the gift, and he died for you that he is willing to give you himself. 

 

[FeministWhoLovesABeliever]

Thank you for your response. No. I do not believe it. He is saved. Not me. 

What confuses me is the status of our existing relationship.

Does 10 years together, legal documents accepting financial responsibility for each other (health insurance) and a promise in front of god (who is everywhere) to keep ourselves for each other in this life and beyond, constitute becoming one flesh, so we should not now be separated? 

Or does the lack of a wedding ceremony nullify the above? 

 

 

[Tristen]

Hi Fem,

You seem somewhat open-minded – so I trust you understand that, from our perspective, the only ideal solution is for you to be reconciled to God through the Gospel of Christ. That way you can both move forward into the destiny God has planned for you both.

Jesus said, “He who is not with Me is against Me” (Matthew 12:30), and that before we become Christians, we are God's “enemies” (see Romans 5:10, Colossians 1:21). Therefore Christians and non-Christians are moving in different spiritual directions. If your partner continues walking towards God and you don't, then eventually you will end up far enough apart that you will separate naturally. And since there is no covenant in-place, there will be no reason for either of you to fight for the failing relationship.

[Please note – I don't say this as a strategy to pressure you into conversion, but rather to help you see what you are asking from our perspective.]

A marriage is a covenant commitment before God; a solid (ideally unbreakable) promise. It is possible to make such a commitment without the formalities (e.g. Adam and Eve had no formal wedding). But from what you say, it seems like your partner doesn't see your current relationship in that light. If he did, this would be a different conversation.

From a practical perspective, a husband's job is to seek the highest well-being of his wife (that is his covenant promise). If you were married, he would be obligated to continually 'push his beliefs' on you - and thereby become a constant source of contention. Furthermore, if you have children, your undermining his beliefs in front of the children may place the eternal welfare of his children in jeopardy.

Therefore, Christians are warned against entering into covenant relationships with non-Christians (2 Corinthians 6:14).

I would encourage you to seek God for yourself (not for your partner, but for you). Ask God to reveal Himself to you and give you faith. If you are sincere and open-minded, I believe you will find God – and then you and your partner can navigate your respective futures with God's guidance. Otherwise I fear the only hope for your future together is that he compromise his faith to accommodate his carnal desire to stay with you – which, from what I have observed, usually results in resentment and relationship instability (James 1:8).

 

[FeministWhoLovesABeliever]

oops

Edited April 20, 2020 by FeministWhoLovesABeliever
moved to quote

[FeministWhoLovesABeliever]

On a separate note, am I doing this right? Do I keep entering text in "reply to this topic" or should I be using the "+" or "quote" options, so it is clear what post I'm replying to?