is it a sin..

[Sugarbaker]

No situation last forever. The day will come that she will be out of your lives.but the way that you handled this situation now will have long lasting ramifications for you and for your marriage.

 

I had the mother-in-law from hell.  Alcoholic, gambler, enabler.  My husband and I had been dating for a year when his father died. She had it in her head that it was my husband‘s job to take care of her and resented me for being a threat her plan. He had asked me to marry him three months after we met but then it was another four years before we finally did get married and we had broken up several times. We never lived with her but because of a family business she was involved in our lives each and every day. I always took a backseat her wants and needs.  Literally. I can’t tell you how many family vacations she invited herself along on and I would find myself sitting in the third row seat of our van while she sat in front  with my husband. Complaining resulted in me being left at home with the kids while the two of them took off together She had two adult grandsons that she was quite enamored with and spoiled and pampered them to the point . that they are now very dysfunctional adults, all the while ignoring our three daughters.

I chose to detach from her. I was always civil when I did see her, as was she. but there was no love lost. My husband meanwhile was at her beck and call. He was angry with me for not being more involved with her.  My parents were always very kind and gracious to him but our but they are declining he refuses to help in anyway and rarely sees him “I’m giving you a taste of your own medicine, “ he often says to me. I  could write a book about this but I won’t because this post is about you, not me. 

I told myself that when she died I would have my husband back but as it turns out irreparable harm was done to our relationship. What I will say to you is don’t put your husband in a situation where he hast to choose sides. Remember that  “she was here first.” Your husband is not the person that you should be venting to about. Don’t complain and don’t explain. Find someone else to confide in. Above all don’t beat yourself up over this. Just resolve in the future to be the kindest, most loving mother-in-law that you can be to your children’s spouses.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[integrity]

4 hours ago, Sugarbaker said:

No situation last forever. The day will come that she will be out of your lives.but the way that you handled this situation now will have long lasting ramifications for you and for your marriage.

 

I had the mother-in-law from hell.  Alcoholic, gambler, enabler.  My husband and I had been dating for a year when his father died. She had it in her head that it was my husband‘s job to take care of her and resented me for being a threat her plan. He had asked me to marry him three months after we met but then it was another four years before we finally did get married and we had broken up several times. We never lived with her but because of a family business she was involved in our lives each and every day. I always took a backseat her wants and needs.  Literally. I can’t tell you how many family vacations she invited herself along on and I would find myself sitting in the third row seat of our van while she sat in front  with my husband. Complaining resulted in me being left at home with the kids while the two of them took off together She had two adult grandsons that she was quite enamored with and spoiled and pampered them to the point . that they are now very dysfunctional adults, all the while ignoring our three daughters.

I chose to detach from her. I was always civil when I did see her, as was she. but there was no love lost. My husband meanwhile was at her beck and call. He was angry with me for not being more involved with her.  My parents were always very kind and gracious to him but our but they are declining he refuses to help in anyway and rarely sees him “I’m giving you a taste of your own medicine, “ he often says to me. I  could write a book about this but I won’t because this post is about you, not me. 

I told myself that when she died I would have my husband back but as it turns out irreparable harm was done to our relationship. What I will say to you is don’t put your husband in a situation where he hast to choose sides. Remember that  “she was here first.” Your husband is not the person that you should be venting to about. Don’t complain and don’t explain. Find someone else to confide in. Above all don’t beat yourself up over this. Just resolve in the future to be the kindest, most loving mother-in-law that you can be to your children’s spouses.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Woah I'm really sorry sugar Baker, but I cannot ever agree to your whole sentiment. I'm so sorry that someone brainwashed you into thinking it was normal for your husband to toss you to the side and put mom first. You swore an oath to each other, he was supposed to leave and cleave to you. Have you so little respect for yourself that you were just their baby incubator, and she ran the show. I'm sorry but that is horrifying. My husband is 100000% on my side. I'll tell him if something transpired that upset me very much, but I do not trash talk her. I'm sorry your husband couldn't have been better for you. He was basically married to your mother in law your entire marriage. And he has the audacity to think you did anything wrong? Idk if i was in your shoes I wouldve gone to couples counseling or talked to the church about this. Read the bible on how a husband is supposed to treat his wife. Your husband is awful, I'm sorry. He did not do his duty as a husband. And your mother in law is even worse for doing what she did to you guys. I will never EVER tell my children they are to sit back and be railroaded by their in laws. Absolutely not. In laws have no place in a couples marriage, none what so ever. They bless you,you respect them and yall live your own merry lives.  again going through your post, someone must've twisted the scripture and brainwashed you. I would separate from my husband if he was at "mommy's beck and call". You are right, no situation is forever, and I believe after this is over husband and i will be close than ever. Because he always says to me, I'll do whatever you want honey i chose you. He loves her because she raised him but he sees now how she hides a lot of her evil well. I pray your husbands opens his eyes only by Gods mercy, and spends the rest of your lives loving you the way he was supposed to back then.  please read the bible to what marriage is supposed to be like. How your husbnad should treat and love you. And also just for interest sake, read what position each of your parents should have in your marriage. I have a feeling after you read that, you're not gonna look at your husband the same. And you're not going to feel like you were the one that dad something wrong. How repulsive, that he was your mother in laws while she was alive.

Edited September 8, 2020 by integrity
eta

[Sugarbaker]

Hmm...I guess no good deed goes unpunished.

As I said this post was about you not about me. There’s a lot more to the story that I chose not to share.

I posted this to support you, a sister in Christ and did not to expect a put down from you in return. Yes, I have respect for myself, yes I have been to Christian counseling, yes  I have read the Bible I am very aware of the biblical standards for marriage. I made no assumptions of you, yet you choose to make them of me. And no, I do not consider myself a baby incubator.

[luigi]

On 9/3/2020 at 12:55 PM, integrity said:

Is it a sin to not like someone? bit of back story...we rented a house from inlaws, they sold their house and moved in with us without consulting us. My mil has always since day one praised her daughter and daughter in law and basically  never outright said it but insinuated they are "better" than me. For a few years I has the feeling she didnt love me but I've been nothing but kind to her and courteous. I didnt think that a christian person can dislike their family member for no reason. She has never complimented me as a housewife a person a mother anything at all. She interferes with my parenting in the worst ways. To the point where my 5 yr old disrespects me and does not listen. I stood up for myself and she ended up telling my husband I'm crazy and theres something wrong with me, my kids dont love me I'm a abusive(I assure you I am not) she undermines my authority and makes passive aggressive comments talking to me or with company. I know she will never change. I cant even approach her with this because she will deny it all. In conclusion. I do not like her anymore. im the kind of person that after you trample on me a few times I cant trust you anymore I just cant. I want her to be well I wish her happiness and blessings but I do not want a relationship with her. Is that okay? I dont want to be a martyr to a fellow christian. She should know better. shes been "christian" her whole life. I dont think she has any mental issues that would excuse her nasty fake sweet cutting comments. My mom says to apologize to her for anything I could've said to offend her. I told my mom my existence offends her should I apologize for that? Needless to say I do not like to ask my mom for advice.

Clandestinely record what she denies, and show it to your husband. It may damage your relationship, but if you don't record her denials, it may be worse. 

[integrity]

Sugar Baker I am really sorry that I offended you I did not mean to. I just feel sorry for you in the way that you described your situation. I'm sorry I will never advocate for your situation((the only parts you shared I mean) as normal and Christian. Now if our husband is unchristian I know that's another story. I just dont understand how based on your reply that reflects anything thats written in the bible as far as how family is supposed to treat you. heI'm sorry for hurting you it was not my intention. We can agree to disagree on sharing our feelings with out husbnad about family. That's okay.

Edited September 8, 2020 by integrity

[Logostician]

On 9/3/2020 at 9:55 AM, integrity said:

Is it a sin to not like someone? bit of back story...we rented a house from inlaws, they sold their house and moved in with us without consulting us. My mil has always since day one praised her daughter and daughter in law and basically  never outright said it but insinuated they are "better" than me. For a few years I has the feeling she didnt love me but I've been nothing but kind to her and courteous. I didnt think that a christian person can dislike their family member for no reason. She has never complimented me as a housewife a person a mother anything at all. She interferes with my parenting in the worst ways. To the point where my 5 yr old disrespects me and does not listen. I stood up for myself and she ended up telling my husband I'm crazy and theres something wrong with me, my kids dont love me I'm a abusive(I assure you I am not) she undermines my authority and makes passive aggressive comments talking to me or with company. I know she will never change. I cant even approach her with this because she will deny it all. In conclusion. I do not like her anymore. im the kind of person that after you trample on me a few times I cant trust you anymore I just cant. I want her to be well I wish her happiness and blessings but I do not want a relationship with her. Is that okay? I dont want to be a martyr to a fellow christian. She should know better. shes been "christian" her whole life. I dont think she has any mental issues that would excuse her nasty fake sweet cutting comments. My mom says to apologize to her for anything I could've said to offend her. I told my mom my existence offends her should I apologize for that? Needless to say I do not like to ask my mom for advice.

Let me just say something.  I love you.  We are both in Christ, and we're supposed to love each other.  Admittedly, it's easy to love you, because it's easy to see that you are a good person that is really trying.  And you're also not my mother in law living in my house.  It's harder to love people who are a thorn in our sides.

Liking and loving are not the same thing.  Jesus commanded us to love our neighbor.  Jesus even said to love our enemies which is always hard.  But the fact that he admits that we will have enemies at all seems to indicate that there will be people that we don't like.  But while our enemies act hatefully we are supposed to act in love even to those we don't like.  Empathy is a huge part of love.  It's partly about putting yourself in someone else's shoes to see why they feel and act as they do.  But it takes a further step of trying to help with any problems that are revealed.  It sounds like you are already doing this.  You get no criticism from me.  All I'm saying is that empathetic love can improve relationships with anyone.  It can change things for the better making it possible to like someone you previously disliked.

On the practical side living under the same roof as your in-laws, or even your own parents, would be a powder keg for alot of people, Christian or not.  Talk to your husband about that one.  I don't know if money for rent is an issue.  But I would certainly explore moving if money allows it.

Everybody's different.  I tend to be really blunt.  I would start a conversation with my mother in law that begins like this:. Look.  Jesus is my Savior and you say that he is your Savior too.  I'm really trying to follow him to the best of my ability, and raise my children the right way...I would bring Jesus into it, even to the point of suggesting praying together.  Jesus is a great intercessor and mediator.  And he wants us to call on him.

But I would still move.  Sometimes loving and liking are easier with a little breathing distance.

[integrity]

2 hours ago, Logostician said:

Let me just say something.  I love you.  We are both in Christ, and we're supposed to love each other.  Admittedly, it's easy to love you, because it's easy to see that you are a good person that is really trying.  And you're also not my mother in law living in my house.  It's harder to love people who are a thorn in our sides.

Liking and loving are not the same thing.  Jesus commanded us to love our neighbor.  Jesus even said to love our enemies which is always hard.  But the fact that he admits that we will have enemies at all seems to indicate that there will be people that we don't like.  But while our enemies act hatefully we are supposed to act in love even to those we don't like.  Empathy is a huge part of love.  It's partly about putting yourself in someone else's shoes to see why they feel and act as they do.  But it takes a further step of trying to help with any problems that are revealed.  It sounds like you are already doing this.  You get no criticism from me.  All I'm saying is that empathetic love can improve relationships with anyone.  It can change things for the better making it possible to like someone you previously disliked.

On the practical side living under the same roof as your in-laws, or even your own parents, would be a powder keg for alot of people, Christian or not.  Talk to your husband about that one.  I don't know if money for rent is an issue.  But I would certainly explore moving if money allows it.

Everybody's different.  I tend to be really blunt.  I would start a conversation with my mother in law that begins like this:. Look.  Jesus is my Savior and you say that he is your Savior too.  I'm really trying to follow him to the best of my ability, and raise my children the right way...I would bring Jesus into it, even to the point of suggesting praying together.  Jesus is a great intercessor and mediator.  And he wants us to call on him.

But I would still move.  Sometimes loving and liking are easier with a little breathing distance.

Thank you for commenting logostician your post cheered me up. Its first for me, being disliked. Because I was always known by everyone in my community as kind and good. But apparently that means nothing, people can dislike you for no reason. I am not perfect. I have yelled at my children. And I spank them if they do something too naughty. I've been told by her so many hurtful things, I want nothing to do with her. Because she sees no wrongdoing, she will go to church after berating me  and partake in communion. That's how I know she doesnt see me as anything of value. My husbna loves me and cherishes me, but I feel bad that I dont want to have a relationship with his mother. She is awful to me. I dont knoe, sometimes I think God, if you consider her good, I dont see how You can be trusted. I dont want to repeat the mean things shes said. And I think satan totally is using her to disrupt the peace in our household. But with Gods help, we wul be out by January. And I can say good riddance to her.

[integrity]

4 hours ago, Sweetvineshema said:

There are prayer procedures that could change people's perceptions towards us for good. Sometimes your husband mom could be jealous of you. Try choose a Psalm of your choice at specific times of each day and mention that behaviour of your in-law towards you then tell God what changes you want Him to make. 

 

The entrance of Your words gives light;
It gives understanding to the simple. Psalm 119:130

I appreciate your comment. I dont know if I care enough about what she thinks of me. It just hurts me, but I don't even want to be liked by her anymore.

[Daniel Marsh]

On 9/3/2020 at 12:55 PM, integrity said:

Is it a sin to not like someone? bit of back story...we rented a house from inlaws, they sold their house and moved in with us without consulting us. My mil has always since day one praised her daughter and daughter in law and basically  never outright said it but insinuated they are "better" than me. For a few years I has the feeling she didnt love me but I've been nothing but kind to her and courteous. I didnt think that a christian person can dislike their family member for no reason. She has never complimented me as a housewife a person a mother anything at all. She interferes with my parenting in the worst ways. To the point where my 5 yr old disrespects me and does not listen. I stood up for myself and she ended up telling my husband I'm crazy and theres something wrong with me, my kids dont love me I'm a abusive(I assure you I am not) she undermines my authority and makes passive aggressive comments talking to me or with company. I know she will never change. I cant even approach her with this because she will deny it all. In conclusion. I do not like her anymore. im the kind of person that after you trample on me a few times I cant trust you anymore I just cant. I want her to be well I wish her happiness and blessings but I do not want a relationship with her. Is that okay? I dont want to be a martyr to a fellow christian. She should know better. shes been "christian" her whole life. I dont think she has any mental issues that would excuse her nasty fake sweet cutting comments. My mom says to apologize to her for anything I could've said to offend her. I told my mom my existence offends her should I apologize for that? Needless to say I do not like to ask my mom for advice.

As long as you do not hate someone it is not a sin.   Often personalities do not mesh.