Advice vs. Validation

[AlsoBroken]

This is about something that bothers and annoys me, but I don’t know if I’m just being too touchy or WHAT? It happens in almost every relationship and situation I’m in, and every social media platform I’m a part of, no matter with Christians or unbelievers.  

Namely this: Whenever I say, or text/post a simple statement about what I’m feeling (on ANY subject) the immediate replies are almost always a piece of advice or “suggestion” of what I SHOULD DO. But all that I want and need is simply an acknowledgment or validation! 

Me: I’m feeling sad today because my kids live so far away. 

Friend #1: Why don’t you go for a nice walk honey, that’ll help you feel better.

Friend #2: Have you considered moving closer to them? That’s what I did! 

Friend #3: Do a video call with them! That’s what we do.

Friend #4: I just read about a new support group for sad single parents of adult children, I’ll find the phone number for you! 

Friend #5: I’m sorry you are sad today and I know the feeling! I struggle with missing my family too. (((❤️HUGS❤️)))

 

SO yes, I am ever grateful for Friend #5 (Thank you!) but she is rare. What do you say to the rest? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says “Please FIX me” ?? I tend toward being VERY annoyed instead of gracious. Sometimes it zaps my energy to reply at all, or try to explain I DON’T WANT or NEED your remedy, and never asked for one. All I need is for someone to acknowledge what I said, and maybe validate that my feeling sad is OKAY. It’s Interpersonal Communication 101, right? 

(Now I’ll hopefully see who here will “get” what I’m saying, and/or who will advise me!!! 🤪) 

[The_Patriot21]

Lol I get what your saying. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) but a lot of people's natural inclination, especially believers, natural inclination is to want to "help" their friends. They see them hurting and they want to jump in, like a knight in shining armor so to speak.

And while it's good to want to help ones friends, what a lot of us are guilty of, and I'm including myself in this is realizing the best way to help is to keep my mouth shut and listen.

[AlsoBroken]

Thank you Patriot21. We do need to LISTEN more than talk, and I know that’s in our Bibles. ☺️ I also know that I have a keen sensitivity to whether I am heard and have my feelings acknowledged, or not. (Stems from childhood 😢) But people often interrupt, or throw out a banal piece of advice, or totally miss what you said, or read something INTO what you said that’s not there! We all need at least one friend who “gets” us, and is validating and caring, instead of ignoring us, or compulsively needing to fix us. 
I don’t have many of the fore mentioned friends, but I KNOW that my Lord Jesus DOES “get” me and totally understands what I need. He is my only true Comfort! 
 

[farouk]

1 minute ago, AlsoBroken said:

Thank you Patriot21. We do need to LISTEN more than talk, and I know that’s in our Bibles. ☺️ I also know that I have a keen sensitivity to whether I am heard and have my feelings acknowledged, or not. (Stems from childhood 😢) But people often interrupt, or throw out a banal piece of advice, or totally miss what you said, or read something INTO what you said that’s not there! We all need at least one friend who “gets” us, and is validating and caring, instead of ignoring us, or compulsively needing to fix us. 
I don’t have many of the fore mentioned friends, but I KNOW that my Lord Jesus DOES “get” me and totally understands what I need. He is my only true Comfort! 
 

Hi @AlsoBroken Interesting exchange with @The_Patriot21 there........

I am reminded of the verse at Jeremiah 2.4: "Hear ye the word of the LORD"............ Good to see the emphasis on Who does the speaking and who does the hearing...............

[missmuffet]

4 hours ago, AlsoBroken said:

This is about something that bothers and annoys me, but I don’t know if I’m just being too touchy or WHAT? It happens in almost every relationship and situation I’m in, and every social media platform I’m a part of, no matter with Christians or unbelievers.  

Namely this: Whenever I say, or text/post a simple statement about what I’m feeling (on ANY subject) the immediate replies are almost always a piece of advice or “suggestion” of what I SHOULD DO. But all that I want and need is simply an acknowledgment or validation! 

Me: I’m feeling sad today because my kids live so far away. 

Friend #1: Why don’t you go for a nice walk honey, that’ll help you feel better.

Friend #2: Have you considered moving closer to them? That’s what I did! 

Friend #3: Do a video call with them! That’s what we do.

Friend #4: I just read about a new support group for sad single parents of adult children, I’ll find the phone number for you! 

Friend #5: I’m sorry you are sad today and I know the feeling! I struggle with missing my family too. (((❤️HUGS❤️)))

 

SO yes, I am ever grateful for Friend #5 (Thank you!) but she is rare. What do you say to the rest? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says “Please FIX me” ?? I tend toward being VERY annoyed instead of gracious. Sometimes it zaps my energy to reply at all, or try to explain I DON’T WANT or NEED your remedy, and never asked for one. All I need is for someone to acknowledge what I said, and maybe validate that my feeling sad is OKAY. It’s Interpersonal Communication 101, right? 

(Now I’ll hopefully see who here will “get” what I’m saying, and/or who will advise me!!! 🤪) 

I would probably respond " give your feelings and your sadness today in God in prayer". 

[Marathoner]

4 hours ago, AlsoBroken said:

This is about something that bothers and annoys me, but I don’t know if I’m just being too touchy or WHAT? It happens in almost every relationship and situation I’m in, and every social media platform I’m a part of, no matter with Christians or unbelievers.  

Namely this: Whenever I say, or text/post a simple statement about what I’m feeling (on ANY subject) the immediate replies are almost always a piece of advice or “suggestion” of what I SHOULD DO. But all that I want and need is simply an acknowledgment or validation! 

Me: I’m feeling sad today because my kids live so far away. 

Friend #1: Why don’t you go for a nice walk honey, that’ll help you feel better.

Friend #2: Have you considered moving closer to them? That’s what I did! 

Friend #3: Do a video call with them! That’s what we do.

Friend #4: I just read about a new support group for sad single parents of adult children, I’ll find the phone number for you! 

Friend #5: I’m sorry you are sad today and I know the feeling! I struggle with missing my family too. (((❤️HUGS❤️)))

 

SO yes, I am ever grateful for Friend #5 (Thank you!) but she is rare. What do you say to the rest? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says “Please FIX me” ?? I tend toward being VERY annoyed instead of gracious. Sometimes it zaps my energy to reply at all, or try to explain I DON’T WANT or NEED your remedy, and never asked for one. All I need is for someone to acknowledge what I said, and maybe validate that my feeling sad is OKAY. It’s Interpersonal Communication 101, right? 

(Now I’ll hopefully see who here will “get” what I’m saying, and/or who will advise me!!! 🤪) 

In a situation such as the one you describe to us above, I remember that the last thing I need to do is harbor expectations regarding how others ought to conduct themselves. I keep that in mind, and it helps immensely. Many people mean well, but this doesn't mean that they come across well or understand what it is I truly need.

That's okay. I focus exclusively upon my own conduct and bearing, not what others do or don't say. How others conduct themselves has no bearing on what I should say or do, but then that's me. I remember the teaching of the Lord who tells us that we are to treat others in the manner we wish to be treated, never returning evil for evil.

Sure, that can be an ordeal to carry out sometimes. 

Edited December 15, 2022 by Marathoner

[The_Patriot21]

58 minutes ago, AlsoBroken said:

Thank you Patriot21. We do need to LISTEN more than talk, and I know that’s in our Bibles. ☺️ I also know that I have a keen sensitivity to whether I am heard and have my feelings acknowledged, or not. (Stems from childhood 😢) But people often interrupt, or throw out a banal piece of advice, or totally miss what you said, or read something INTO what you said that’s not there! We all need at least one friend who “gets” us, and is validating and caring, instead of ignoring us, or compulsively needing to fix us. 
I don’t have many of the fore mentioned friends, but I KNOW that my Lord Jesus DOES “get” me and totally understands what I need. He is my only true Comfort! 
 

It's all true. Even if the advice is sound...which it often is... sometimes that's not what's needed.

[farouk]

16 hours ago, The_Patriot21 said:

It's all true. Even if the advice is sound...which it often is... sometimes that's not what's needed.

Scripture is so full of meaning and apt advice; the problem is the human heart which resists actually taking the advice...

[com7fy8]

On 12/15/2022 at 5:43 PM, AlsoBroken said:

I KNOW that my Lord Jesus DOES “get” me and totally understands what I need. He is my only true Comfort! 
 

So, how are you, today?  

I have checked how you relate with ones sharing their suffering here in these forums. And I think you are a good example for me, since I can be too much into lecturing people who have problems. I need to find out how to feel for others. 

But yes I do find there are ones who are insensitive with me, and I can see how they are missing out on loving because of this . . . like I have done. So, out of my own sin experience I can feel for them and have compassion for them >

"He can have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness." (Hebrews 5:2)

And I can feed on the example of the ones who know how to share with me and give me things to help me get real correction so I do better at loving anyone, at all, like they do with me.

However, I think I have discovered how even good leaders and friends at times can be the wrong way; plus, there can be ministerial people who are not even being good to their own selves! But there are people who abuse their own selves, instead of obeying Jesus in His love's "rest for your souls." (in Matthew 11:28-30)

And God our Father knew this would happen. And so, what does He say to do, when we discover that even our good example people can turn out to have things that are not right? 

Have "longsuffering" ready for one another >

"with all lowliness and gentleness,

with longsuffering,

bearing with one another in love," (Ephesians 4:2)

And in case certain feelings are "self-centered" . . . we do not need to validate them. But discover how God's love develops our personality > including >

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment." (in 1 John 4:18)

So, in case we're suffering in torment of self-seeking stuff and not getting our own way > we do not need such feelings to be validated, nor do we need advice on what to do to appease those feelings that are tormenting us and not bringing our attention to Jesus and how He pleases to guide us.

So, I see how some cases of feelings are not matters of validation "vs" advice, but "neither" is the answer.

And test the problem, in prayer. Test it, instead of letting it have power over us to control and torture us >

"Test all things; hold fast what is good." (1 Thessalonians 5:21)

And love "hopes all things" (in 1 Corinthians 13:7). I have been so ready to first criticize people and just trash them, or react negatively like I am a victim. So, it helps me to first have hope for anyone who is a problem for me, and not first criticize him or her or be like a victim. But have hope for any person. And, of course, trust God through Jesus to correct me so I really am like this, then discover how He has me doing things with Him in His peace.

Edited December 17, 2022 by com7fy8

[Neighbor]

On 12/15/2022 at 1:16 PM, AlsoBroken said:

This is about something that bothers and annoys me, but I don’t know if I’m just being too touchy or WHAT? It happens in almost every relationship and situation I’m in, and every social media platform I’m a part of, no matter with Christians or unbelievers.  

Namely this: Whenever I say, or text/post a simple statement about what I’m feeling (on ANY subject) the immediate replies are almost always a piece of advice or “suggestion” of what I SHOULD DO. But all that I want and need is simply an acknowledgment or validation! 

Me: I’m feeling sad today because my kids live so far away. 

Friend #1: Why don’t you go for a nice walk honey, that’ll help you feel better.

Friend #2: Have you considered moving closer to them? That’s what I did! 

Friend #3: Do a video call with them! That’s what we do.

Friend #4: I just read about a new support group for sad single parents of adult children, I’ll find the phone number for you! 

Friend #5: I’m sorry you are sad today and I know the feeling! I struggle with missing my family too. (((❤️HUGS❤️)))

 

SO yes, I am ever grateful for Friend #5 (Thank you!) but she is rare. What do you say to the rest? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says “Please FIX me” ?? I tend toward being VERY annoyed instead of gracious. Sometimes it zaps my energy to reply at all, or try to explain I DON’T WANT or NEED your remedy, and never asked for one. All I need is for someone to acknowledge what I said, and maybe validate that my feeling sad is OKAY. It’s Interpersonal Communication 101, right? 

(Now I’ll hopefully see who here will “get” what I’m saying, and/or who will advise me!!! 🤪) 

Hi, Perhaps I can help you with that-   

 

On the flip side there is this tune: 

I had a friend that when he was greeted with what is a casual inquiry, that of  the " How ya doing?" greeting, he would say "Better than I deserve." He had a face and personality that went well with that respnse. I tried it, but it just didn't play well for my own use.