Ugh! Am I the problem?

[kwikphilly]

3 hours ago, Grace j said:

Yes it does makes sense, thank you for taking your time to reply. Shalom 

Good- Peace to you also,you're in my prayers Grace

With love in Christ,Kwik

[kwikphilly]

2 hours ago, Retrobyter said:

Shabbat shalom, @kwikphilly.

No offense intended; it was simply a correction. We ALL make mistakes, myself included. I'm constantly correcting my own posts until I'm satisfied before I post, and then I will STILL edit what I wrote, when I re-read what I wrote.

I could have made a living as an editor.

No offense taken Brother..... just distracting to me,to head off Topic because it's not a Bible or language study so if I can be frank and I mean no offense " nit picky" and I sincerely hope you know me long enough and well enough to believe Im not being sarcastic

Start a Thread on the Topic of "Fruit of the Spirit " and you can correct everyone there- tag me and I'll join you

We can even discuss these attributes and whether there are 7,9 or 12!lol

With love in Christ,Kwik

[Gracejj]

21 hours ago, Diaste said:

I see.

I don't think you are the problem. There just is a problem. 

If you feel you are in a dangerous situation and there is evidence of imminent danger of physical harm then get out. There are many resources for this.

There is so much I don't know and I have many questions but from what I see there is a foundation. 

So I'm going to give you some really terrible advice. Maybe not advice, maybe it's a perspective that advises. In any case it will fly in the face of worldly advice. Of course this in only as good as the foundation. If your partner is solid and consistent and not battling some addiction, an inability to hold a job, fails to pay the bills, allows disrepair in the home and cars, is not physically abusive, cares for the children, etc., then it's possible it's just a perspective problem. 

Since it's you writing I can only try to support you and supply a perspective.

Men require respect. In interactions with other men that looks very different from what it looks like in a marriage. Respect for your partner will close any gaps, disrespect will widen the gaps. It's a huge thing for men, it's the most cited issue for men in the breakdown of a relationship. 

Scripture bears this out.  From 1 Peter 3

Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your husbands, so that even if they refuse to believe the word, they will be won over without words by the behavior of their wives 2when they see your pure and reverent demeanor.

3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair or gold jewelry or fine clothes, 4but from the inner disposition of your heart, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in God’s sight. 5For this is how the holy women of the past adorned themselves. They put their hope in God and were submissive to their husbands, 6just as Sarah obeyed Abraham and called him lord. And you are her children if you do what is right and refuse to give way to fear.

So this is the perspective of Peter, and one would assume Jesus the Lord as well. Peter is saying here what men cite as the issue for them in marriage, respect, or the lack of it. The other thing Peter addresses is peace. That's what he means about the gentle and quiet spirit. Men also cite this as a real issue as well. I talk with many men who refuse to commit to a relationship with a woman, after the loss of a previous relationship, because the men have found a peaceful environment and they see women as disrupters of peace.  That is not good, biblical or what God wants. 

That doesn't mean you can't bring up issues. Bring them up. But use the tools Peter speaks to. 

Of course Peter doesn't forget the husband and his responsibility. 

7Husbands, in the same way, treat your wives with consideration as a delicate vessel, and with honor as fellow heirs of the gracious gift of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

A delicate vessel...I really like that. Most men do. But we don't see many women as a delicate vessel when they are brash, loud, demanding, angry and insulting. Most men don't like men that act like that, we certainly find it even worse in women. I'm not saying you are doing any of that, I don't know so I'm not making a judgment. I'm just relating personal experience and the words of a great deal of men I interact with. 

And if you are listening to women and their advice on men you should stop. Stop listening to the medias advice, the feminists advice, advice from the government, etc., and listen to what the scripture says; Peter covers it very well.

All that being said there is a lack of trust that's obvious.

If you trust you are safe and no physical harm will come to you and your children then I would say give the advice of Peter a shot. Stop trying to change him, or make him, or pressure him. You probably wouldn't like that either if he was doing the same to you.

Peter addresses the individual responsibility within the man or the woman, and does not require either to have responsibility for the inner workings of the other. 

In other words, the individual must change, not require the other person to change. Paul says,

"14For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his believing wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband. "

Peter says,

"so that even if they refuse to believe the word, they will be won over without words by the behavior of their wives "

You have a great deal of untapped power, you should really consider using it. 

The late Kevin Samuels said there are 5 things a man wants in a woman. I agree. I also think those 5 things if done, will completely change the behavior of the man and his perspective of his wife. Further, I believe that those 5 things, if done sincerely and in love, will grant the women a great deal of influence over the man. 

He says, Feminine, fit, agreeable, submissive, cooperative are what men truly want. I have to agree. We don't want a fight, especially with the woman we love and the woman who says she loves us. We don't want masculine traits in the woman we love either, but that's what the western world will tell you you should be. We get plenty of that in the everyday world.

Many men are in fight all day long in the working world, we are many times physically and mentally exhausted at the end of the day. We need to recuperate before the war begins again the next morning. 

When we come home we want an escape from the world, a safe place, restful and peaceful. 

You have an issue to talk about that's really important? Try to remember how you would train a dog. Kind words and praise are the way to get a dog to respond positively. Harsh words and loud voices make them afraid. It's pretty much just like that. 

How is forcing a behavior or demanding an action based in love? Try not to force, can't train a dog by force. 

Check out the 5th Chapter of Esther, verses 1-7. This woman was the Queen of Persia, see how she approached the king. Then read on and pay attention to the result. 

All this is quite the opposite of the advice you see out in the world. 

Bottom line is look for the most important foundational perspective found in scripture concerning marriage relationships. From what I see the recommendation is the change in perspective in the individual in the power and love of the Holy Spirit. 

I have hope for you in the love and grace of Jesus Christ, our Lord and King.

 

 

 

Thank you for taking your time to reply. You definitely have some interesting points. I just want to say that i have never forced him to stop treating me harshly. I have always tried to convey my hurts respectfully. Being respectful is not only important for a husband but for a wife as well bcos I am living through it right now, where i feel so much disrespected many times. But yes I get your point that according to the word thats one of the thing that a husband should be treated as. Moreover, as i mentioned earlier due to cultural differences I am not so much into the new feminism movement, grew up in traditional catholic family. Last but not the least, those five things about what husband wants are correct but according to marriage there are more stuff i can put that in the list 😄, and I think 4 out 5 my husband is already getting it, I guess i have to work more with that 1 thing. 

[Debp]

13 minutes ago, Grace j said:

I am living through it right now, where i feel so much disrespected many times.

Don't let his disrespect of you become your reality about yourself.   That is, don't think about yourself in the way he seems to put you down.

Just realize that your husband has a problem... probably a spiritual problem or else a lot of immaturity.   So learn to pray about it and leave him in the Lord's hands to deal with.

Remember you are a beloved child of God through Christ...that is where your self-esteem lies.   Remember that instead of doubting yourself.

 

[Diaste]

1 hour ago, Grace j said:

Thank you for taking your time to reply. You definitely have some interesting points. I just want to say that i have never forced him to stop treating me harshly. I have always tried to convey my hurts respectfully. Being respectful is not only important for a husband but for a wife as well bcos I am living through it right now, where i feel so much disrespected many times. But yes I get your point that according to the word thats one of the thing that a husband should be treated as. Moreover, as i mentioned earlier due to cultural differences I am not so much into the new feminism movement, grew up in traditional catholic family. Last but not the least, those five things about what husband wants are correct but according to marriage there are more stuff i can put that in the list 😄, and I think 4 out 5 my husband is already getting it, I guess i have to work more with that 1 thing. 

Yes I agree, respect is important in both directions. Disrespect erodes trust and it's hard to build trust, easy to destroy it. 

A scripture verse: "Little foxes spoil the vine." How I take that is, the little things ruin the whole thing. Little foxes in a den underground nip at the roots and the vine becomes unfruitful. You don't even see them. 

That's like little bits of mistrust or tiny amounts of disrespect spoiling the relationship. Sometime those are very hard to see, but they hurt all the same.

It sucks. I was there. It was hard for me to recover, took some time. 

I hoped for a change in the other person and only after some time did I really understand I can only change me. 

Of course it was all too late for me, but maybe not too late in your case.

One thing I learned, the other person in the relationship, in my case, was a narcissist, clinically diagnosed, is they didn't care a bit about the emotions I was dealing with. There was no empathy from them. The narcissist doesn't have empathy for anyone but themselves. 

Just a note about that, I don't think narcissism is a real thing, I think it's a cover for really bad behavior, a way to make excuses instead of a person having to deal with their bad behavior, it's just the sin nature manifesting. And nothing is done about it, there are no consequences for treating other people badly on this earth. 

If that's what you're dealing with I am truly sorry you're in that situation. 

There is one that does have empathy and that is Jesus our Lord. He is where I found help, understanding, empathy and real love. I am much stronger because of Jesus and real love. 

[Lilybloom]

There has been good insight thus far - I agree with ladypeartree. Seeking therapy and resources is good even outside of bad circumstances. I'm going to touch on his use of the "narcissist" videos.

Those are extremely common and trendy in the "youtube psychology" spheres. Sometimes it does carry points on recognizing narcissistic behavior... But most of the time, they say ridiculous things that any honest psychologist would be ashamed of. Such as "If your partner shows any of these traits, dump them immediately". It's like the news, they get more views by being sensationalist. What many people forget is that narcissists are people too and aren't incapable of change. And there's been a serious uptick in things ending between romantic partners and family due to these videos. Like say Gary is a father; all around, he's actually a pretty good father. But when he gets invited over to his son's Thanksgiving feast, he interjects on his son cutting the turkey saying "I just don't know if you'll get it right, you're new to this". This one occasion, outside of everything else about Gary, this one thing? A lot of these people would denounce and tell Gary's son that he needs to cut off contact due to Gary showing what could be perceived as narcissistic behavior *one time*.

Rather, i'd say that your husbands behavior - while i'll hesitate to say narcissistic because I lack the credentials to diagnose - Is quite worrisome and is setting off flags for me. In my experience, i'd assume he's testing you to see what he can get away with and will only escalate from there.

As per finding a place to get away - There are resources like safe housing. If you'd rather not take up those resources, flying isn't actually all that bad (especially if you book months in advance). That's if your family would be willing to house you for the time being. I'm sure there is the chance you could meet someone willing to take you in, but honestly? Most people aren't going to do that quickly, and whoever would, you probably don't want to move in with. I'm not sure what else to suggest beyond yeah, researching what resources are available to you in your area.

[farouk]

On 7/18/2024 at 10:07 PM, believeinHim said:

My mom is white and my father is Asian my mom is telling me that she has to respond to stress with yelling at and anger,that she has no other choice than to respond to stress than with yelling and anger my dad and my nurse practitioner are in complete alignment she does not want to be a forever parent she has to respond with anger and vitriol and they are all blaming me for all of it it's all my fault that she is like this!

Hi @believeinHim Culture can have a lot to do with how ppl express themselves and react. But also James's Epistle's advice about the tongue will transcend culture, right?