suicadal

[mikado5001]

Since Friday I have had suicidal thoughts. Some of you know my prayers to go back to school and get my degree. With Satan attacking me, I should feel encouraged, I guess.

The other day I was staring at a bottle of sleeping pills. And saying that if I don't get into a college. I would just take a handfull and see JESUS in Heaven.

Any thoughts, advice, and prayers on how to claim victory are needed beyond belief. I was suicidal at the age of 13 too. Even food, my once dear friend and salve, seems to have lost it's ability to help.

Today so far, save for putting this out here and now, I have not had these thoughts, THANK GOD!! But they do haunt me a great deal. Both ones from my past. And now too.

I am so feeling defeated right now.

I AM 33 and a half. I had a bit of teenage hope than. What, aside from seeing JESUS in Heaven, do I have now to look forward to now? A life of being in this cubicle? Death is preferable. One quick release from this mortal coil. Rather than the thousand tiny deaths that this flesh of mine is heir to.

I know I have it better than some. But that does not offer much encouragement. People say smile, don't feel down, or you have no right to be sad. Stiff upper lip. Well this lip, once stiff, quivers now. How I want to run away from here. But where do I run? What lesson is there here for me? Save dread.

I thank GOD for you all. It does bring me some joy to know you. But the dread of where I am seems to loom like a shadow over that as well.

Thanks for reading!

[Smalcald]

I will pray for you today.

You are important to people here so that in itself would seem worth the effort. God does have a plan for you and sometimes we can't see it until years later, but I know that plan does not include suicide, you WILL see Jesus soon enough there is no reason to remove yourself now.

Secondly please talk to someone today, it is possible there are other issues that can be addressed you don't have to be in psychological pain all of the time so please seek some sort of person who you can talk to about this someone who is qualified today.

Peace and love to you.

[Wingwalker]

Mikado, I am glad that you are still with us. Please don't hurt yourself just because things are not going your way. After all its not about you, its all about Him. Its about His will, His way in His time.

I know when we let things get to us, they can really bring us down. Then we start focusing on why this is happening to us or why this is not working out for us. We start focusing on ourselves. Well, God has plans for us, and when we focus on ourselves, our plans don't line up with God's plans and we become miserable.

I started telling God how thankful I was for the job I had, the apartment I had, the stuff that I had and I started to realize that life was not that bad. Playing Christian music on the radio and giving praises to God for the little stuff that was going right did wonders to lift me out the depression that I was in. I was no longer feeling helplessness when I could see who I am in Christ.

I will be praying that you will find the encourgement you need to get out of the slump or pit that you may be in. And one other thing that you may find helpful; when the thoughts of suicide do come, tell satan to leave in the name of Jesus.

[mikado5001]

Thanks berribear. The music helps alot. It is truely a gift from GOD for me.

I am not ending my life anytime soon. It's the fact that this attack from the enemy came on like it did. And fast. I am a bit encouraged that I MUST be on the right path to a degree. Or the attack would not have come!

THOUGH SORROW MAY LAST FOR THE NIGHT,

JOY COMES WITH THE MORNING!!

Just writing this to my Worthy Family is helping a great deal. I do feel better not locking it up inside. THANK GOD FOR FOLKS WHO GIVE A HOOT ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE!!

CAN'T YOU FEEL A BRAND NEW DAY?

Everybody look around

'Cause there's a reason to rejoice you see

Everybody come out

And let's commence to singing joyfully

Everybody look up

And feel the hope that we've been waiting for

Everybody's glad

Because our silent fear and dread is gone

Freedom, you see, has got our hearts singing so joyfully

Just look about

You owe it to yourself to check it out

Can't you feel a brand new day?

Can't you feel a brand new day?

Can't you feel a brand new day?

Can't you feel a brand new day?

Everybody be glad

Because the sun is shining just for us

Everybody wake up

Into the morning into happiness

Hello world

It's like a different way of living now

And thank you world

We always knew that we'd be free somehow

In harmony

And show the world that we've got liberty

It's such a change

For us to live so independently

Freedom, you see, has got our hearts singing so joyfully

Just look about

You owe it to yourself to check it out

Can't you feel a brand new day?

Can't you feel a brand new day?

Everybody be glad

Because the sun is shining just for us

Everybody wake up

Into the morning into happiness

Hello world

It's like a different way of living now

And thank you world

We always knew that we'd be free somehow

In harmony

And show the world that we've got liberty

It's such a change

For us to live so independently

Freedom, you see, has got our hearts singing so joyfully

Just look about

You owe it to yourself to check it out

Can't you feel a brand new day?

Can't you feel a brand new day?

Can't you feel a brand new day?

Can't you feel a brand new day?

TALKING...IT HELPS!

[nebula]

Mikado, brother

I know what you are talking about. I've had the same struggle my entire life. It is a spirit of death that has it's coils wrapped around you. I'd like to say there is an easy way to defeat that snake, but I know how hard it is to even resist it, let alone drive it away.

It took me being able to, from my heart, thank the Lord for all the suffering in my life to be set free - but that was only after I had been given an understanding of how my suffering brought heavenly treasures into my life that I didn't want to trade for the treasures of happy memories, which will fade with this life. But doing so was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I say this to let you know that this spirit of death can be broken. I know I run the risk of further discouraging you by sharing that, for I know how it feels to hear of someone else's victory when you are in defeat. But I pray that a spark of hope can be lit in you that can eventually start a fire in your soul to burn away all desires for Satan to be victorious over you in this.

It is Satan that wants you to take your life, you know?

The only thing that kept me alive over the years was that I had cried out to the Lord my desire to end my life, and in return He gave me a "vision" if you will, like a daydream, showing me something greater than my own pain - something that gave me reason enough to keep me from making the attempt to kill myself. And so this is what I would encourage you to do, since you know in your heart that this is wrong (else you wouldn't have posted here, right?). But do this:

Cry out your feelings to the Lord. Give Him time to speak to you. But cry out to Him and even ask Him how he feels about your desire to kill yourself.

I know you think you are wasting your life away in this job you are in. But life is more than what you do to gain an income. Even people with dream jobs, a wife and children can succumb to hopelessness like this. Your life on Earth is to prepare you for your life in eternity. If you cut yourself short now on this time of preparation, you will cut yourself short on what God intends for you in Heaven. He wants to mature and grow your spirit here and now so that you can fulfill a glorious job there. But you need to finish your training down here in order to be ready for that. Search your heart, your spirit - do you want to short-cheat yourself for eternity?

YOu see, Mikado, what you are feeling isn't reality. It's a spirit of darkness messing with your head. If you regard it this way, it can help; you not succumb to it - at least it helped me . . . understanding that it's an attack of depression, something outside of me that feels like me but isn't. It will pass. I just have to get through this. My hope is in the Lord. I don't know what that means, but I confess it anyway, because I love the Lord, and I don't want to hurt Him.

Peace to you, Mikado. I pray the Lord's strength to flood your soul.

Oh, BTW, a friend gave me the book Arena by Karen Hancock. It's a Christian sci-fi/fantasy novel. I learned how to recognize the presence of the Lord through what the main character learned about her "link" with Elhanu. Here's a link .

The light of Jesus flood your soul!

[tigger398]

I been there and still once in a while have those thoughts, I'll be praying for you.

[Leonard]

I think I started back to college at about your same age. I ran up some HUGE student loan bills, which REALLY HURT NOW!

Remember college is just a 'short cut' to knowledge. Unless your field REQUIRES a degree, I would not bother. You can do better educating yourself, than most colleges will do anyway, except perhaps in extremely technical fields.

If your goal is to get a degree required for employment in your field, then I say Go For It, but if your goal is to become a truly educated person, I would do that on my own.

May the Lord grant you all peace and serenity. +

[mikado5001]

I think I started back to college at about your same age. I ran up some HUGE student loan bills, which REALLY HURT NOW!

Remember college is just a 'short cut' to knowledge. Unless your field REQUIRES a degree, I would not bother. You can do better educating yourself, than most colleges will do anyway, except perhaps in extremely technical fields.

If your goal is to get a degree required for employment in your field, then I say Go For It, but if your goal is to become a truly educated person, I would do that on my own.

May the Lord grant you all peace and serenity. +

I don't know that acting, directiing, production, et al. requires a 'degree' per se. In fact I pray that whatever natural gifts HE gave me are not educated away. I need some refining in a lot of areas. I have never heard the phrase 'short cut to knowledge' before. Very well put. I have this feeling that HE wants me to preach in one form or another. And for that I believe I would do well with a Bible Classroom experience. I rejoice that my future is taking shape in GOD'S time and I pray to HIS liking.

[refugepsa91]

theres a hug for ya mikado...

sometimes the hardest thing, when we come to the conclusion (with the Lords leading) that we need to do something different...is waiting...and waiting for His answers....its all about timing...He knows the perfect time...the perfect opportunity will jump out at ya, probably in the most unexpected place....

praying for you brother....

Love and Blessings,

Angel

[artsylady]

I would strongly suggest counselling asap. Christian counselling. Tell whomever is booking appointments that you are entertaining thoughts of suicide.