please advise my friends on this practicsl MARRIAGE issue

[nebula]

The question is this: is it safe for the brother to continue with this situation of NO love, affection and admiration for the sister? Is it all-okay for both to proceed simply because they claimed to be led to eachother? Is it right to simply say that lack of love and admiration means that it is not God's will? If it is God's will, then when is this love and admiration going to erupt? Hope this love eruption is not going to be too late after marriage. Can one just close eyes and terminate a relationship like this and start all-afresh?

 

I understand how you feel, but it is their lives and their choices to make.

 

As I stated in the above two posts, the major crux here is about his lack of his honesty with her.

 

Not being married myself until I was 42 years old, I know how painful singleness and waiting is. Even still, I caution against rushing into things before they are ready. Until he is able to be honest with her, he is not ready. As Other One mentioned, lack of openness and honesty is a doom to the marriage before it even had a chance to start.

 

He can argue that love is more about committment than feelings. True. But it is not loving by any definition to be withholding the truth of his heart to her.

[opportunitykenny]

Thank you very very much nebula. You are a blessing to this discussion. I equally appreciate others' contributions too. God bless you all.

[BFP]

Marriage, above all, is about commitment. I mean, do we all really wake up every morning filled with love and admiration for the person we are married to? I don't know about you all, but I have been through many dry times in my own marriage that I don't feel any of that. Once, for months. It was a long ordeal, but in faith, and because I had committed to this man, and God, in front of witnesses, I stayed. Sometimes asking The Lord to guard me and keep me from wrong. Some days during that period I woke up in the morning with this prayer "Father, today just help me put one foot in front of the other, to show love in action even though I am not feeling it"

But above all I knew in my heart that God had brought us together, and sometimes it means work. Other times we are on cloud nine and soaring with feelings of love for each other. But the most important is that we are both committed to our relationship even when we are wondering what it's all for, and we feel like throwing in the towel.

During the times I have wanted to throw in the towel I have prayed and asked The Lord to show me again why I love him, what is admirable about him. See the glass as half full, not half empty.

And I also have to say this...the first fifteen years of our marriage was not easy on either of us, but we knew that we had both committed to God first, and each other, and took that very seriously. It was the glue that held us together. If not for my faith I would have left my marriage, I'm sure.

My husband, on the other hand, was not a Christian back then, but he also knew that he had made a commitment and with commitment comes sacrifice.

We have been together 23 years now, and our relationship is very solid and true today. We have both learned that "feelings" can be dangerous things at times. And more often than not, love is much more action than feeling.

[opportunitykenny]

Thank you very much bfp. I have drunk from your cup of wealth full of experiences. The best adviser is the one who has experience along the path of his advice.

[Willa]

In Bible days all marriages were arranged by parents. Jewish women could turn down a proposal by not drinking of a cup, as I understand it. But as said above, marriage is all about committment. We all must work at making a good marriage. But the commitment has to be to God first and then to the spouse.

But I am disturbed that he has no peace about the marriage. We are told to let the peace of God rule (act as an umpire) in our hearts. Col. 3:15 If this is not fear of committment, as many men experience, then he should pray a lot more about this. Communication is also a big part of marriage, and if he cannot tell her that he has doubts, that is also a very bad sign. If he is having doubts, she may also have them and they need to discuss them. Physical attraction is a big part of marriage, but committment and communication are even bigger. But men are likely to be focused on outward beauty, which fades in time. If that is all the marriage is about, it won't last. Godly women are adorned with a gentle and quiet spirit. Godly love is puts her needs above his own, and vice versa. It wants what is best for the other person. There are women that husbands find attractive who are down right ugly. But they have an inward glow or a very winsom personality so they find them to be beautiful and are attracted to them. If he sees no beauty in her something is really wrong.

[BFP]

In Bible days all marriages were arranged by parents. Jewish women could turn down a proposal by not drinking of a cup, as I understand it. But as said above, marriage is all about committment. We all must work at making a good marriage. But the commitment has to be to God first and then to the spouse.

But I am disturbed that he has no peace about the marriage. We are told to let the peace of God rule (act as an umpire) in our hearts. Col. 3:15 If this is not fear of committment, as many men experience, then he should pray a lot more about this. Communication is also a big part of marriage, and if he cannot tell her that he has doubts, that is also a very bad sign. If he is having doubts, she may also have them and they need to discuss them. Physical attraction is a big part of marriage, but committment and communication are even bigger. But men are likely to be focused on outward beauty, which fades in time. If that is all the marriage is about, it won't last. Godly women are adorned with a gentle and quiet spirit. Godly love is puts her needs above his own, and vice versa. It wants what is best for the other person. There are women that husbands find attractive who are down right ugly. But they have an inward glow or a very winsom personality so they find them to be beautiful and are attracted to them. If he sees no beauty in her something is really wrong.

Very wise words here.

[kwikphilly]

Blessings Kenny,

    Good Evening ,Praise the Lord!  Honestly,I started reading some of the posts but I just can't get past the confusion I  have from the OP.....Here are 2 people that  have gone to the church elders because they are being lead by God to marry & both claim assurance & conviction??????........did they not date? They have such assurance & conviction but they need an intermediary?

     One hitch,"physically",he does not LIKE or admire this woman...........very odd choice of words,does this mean that he has no physical attraction to her?....What was the attraction in the first place?None of it makes any sense to me.....What does "He is always shameful "mean & "seeing dryness"?

     He wants "a wife",she desires "to marry",,,,,sounds like that may be their only common interest because you say whenever he is around her ,he is unhappy

    I think they need to ,in opposite directions.......................

                                                                                                          With love-in Christ,Kwik

 

[His_disciple3]

Did everyone overlook the part that both felt like God has brought them together.

Yeah but we need to check the Word.

 

It is taboo to fall in love in Muslim countries before the wedding! And they have a lower divorce than rate than us Westerners. It does work. However, I'm a fairly liberal Christian but I wonder if they are both free to marry (again?) I believe God want's us to stay together if that is possible. We can get through anything with God's help.

 

Does "brother" love and respect other women? How many time has he been married before? Does he respect ANY woman?

 

Unless their relationship matches up with the Word, then God simply isn't talking to them. We have "fornication" (Mat. 19:9)  (however you narrowly or liberally) define it, and those they are unbelievers (1 Cor 7:15). In these cases it is o.k. to remarry.

 

Even if they have never married, I don't see how now would be the time. You shouldn't get married until you are 35. Why would she marry a guy who didn't respect her? She would do better throwing darts at an American Most Wanted Poster.

my friend I have the most upright respect for the Word of God, but unless you are the pastor that they have chosen to reside over the wedding, all you are concern with doesn't concern you. Do you think that God has not covered all this before he drew them together. Did Rebekah even know Isaac before she ageed to marry Him???? I was 21 when I married my 18 year old bride, that was 34 years ago, and we are still together Thanks for the Glue (Jesus) that held us together so I think your not marry before 35 would be bad advice. how old do you think the Mother of Jesus, Mary was when She got married. A lot of marriage in the bible times were arranged marriages with very little love, if any to begin with. we don't live hundreds of years old like they did in the Bible days, if one waits til 35 to get married, a few years of loving each others and then children, they would bearound 53 before their oldest kid turned 16, that's insane!

[His_disciple3]

In Bible days all marriages were arranged by parents. Jewish women could turn down a proposal by not drinking of a cup, as I understand it. But as said above, marriage is all about committment. We all must work at making a good marriage. But the commitment has to be to God first and then to the spouse.

But I am disturbed that he has no peace about the marriage. We are told to let the peace of God rule (act as an umpire) in our hearts. Col. 3:15 If this is not fear of committment, as many men experience, then he should pray a lot more about this. Communication is also a big part of marriage, and if he cannot tell her that he has doubts, that is also a very bad sign. If he is having doubts, she may also have them and they need to discuss them. Physical attraction is a big part of marriage, but committment and communication are even bigger. But men are likely to be focused on outward beauty, which fades in time. If that is all the marriage is about, it won't last. Godly women are adorned with a gentle and quiet spirit. Godly love is puts her needs above his own, and vice versa. It wants what is best for the other person. There are women that husbands find attractive who are down right ugly. But they have an inward glow or a very winsom personality so they find them to be beautiful and are attracted to them. If he sees no beauty in her something is really wrong.

AMEN, preach It !!!!!!

[opportunitykenny]

These are words of knowledge and advice indeed. Thank you all.