Why don't Christians value friendship?

[udx]

I think you have to join small/cell groups to have fellowship and study Bible together. Sunday church service is about the vertical (you with God) relationship mostly. Small groups is where more support/horizontal (between people) relationship happen.

[LadyKay]

Maybe it is time for a new church. My church has been there for me and my family. Last winter when we did not have money for heat. They bought us propane. They have given us groceries. They took up a collection for us when we needed up and help us pay our electric bill. And this is just a small church with about 25 to 50 people.

[gray wolf]

The churches I've been in are rather cautious with small groups with concerns about small groups becoming cliques and taking away from the central function of the local church.  But to 1to3's analysis, I have found the Catholic Church better organized in respect to needs.  One of the essential ministries is what they call faith formation, where support groups and bible studies and learning occur.  In particular, seniors find vibrant engagement.  We could learn a thing or two from them and be better equipped.  Yes I realize that there is doctrinal error in the Catholic church, but just for the sake of discussion it is helpful to compare.  That being said, I also experienced the lack of willingness to form friendships there as well.

As an aside, I should mention that the most caring, honest and open fellowship I have encountered is not at church but in the recovery groups I participate in as an alcoholic.  I sometimes wince at talk of a Higher Power, but have found a nice amalgam at churches that have adopted the programs.

[Marilyn C]

Hi gray wolf,

 

Man can organise public meetings but Christ has not given to them to organise the Body of Christ. It is the Holy Spirit who places each one with others. I suggest you continue to relate to all those you are plus ask the Lord who He would have you connect with as believers together. It may be that you are the `father` to others & as they grow then they become peers with you.

 

Marilyn.

[Willa]

We have not found this to be true in our Calvary Chapel either. But it is true that men bond better when working together, and we have had several building and work projects that have encouraged this. We also go to church to learn and to worship. But I pray for people as the Lord leads. On Wednesday nights we spend an hour just asking for prayer and ministering to each other. We also open for questions for our pastor. We get better acquainted here where there are between 50 and 100 people. Our womans ministries bible study also breaks into small groups of a dozen, and there is a saturday morning prayer breakfast for men. There are about a dozen other small groups active for college age, older singles, young adults, and the elders host home groups as well.

Everyone is allowed to engage in ministry as the Lord puts things on our hearts. So there is evangelism and ministry taught from age 12 on up. There are several groups that support missions to orphanages around the world, adoption, big brothers to foster kids, music, outreach to jails, and AA members have also brought many to church. We help to support a spanish speaking church as well. I don't see the social climbing here that I have seen in other churches. The only place I have seen people complain about cliques is in the high school group, and they were severly spoken to about it.

So there is opportunity for closer fellowship for those who make time for it. Sometimes people have to prioritize.

We don't have committees, but if a need is brought to the attention of the office staff for food, volunteers bring groceries to their door. People are more often given opportunities to work for pay to untilities, rent and the like. That weeds out the professional pan handlers who go from church to church begging.

[Guest LadyC]

hey willa, i've been attending a calvary chapel here, too! i used to listen to chuck smith and some of the other calvary preachers when i would drive between vegas and california. i really didn't know there were calvary's all over the country, and certainly didn't know there was one here, until recently. i'm loving it.

 

as for the OP's statement about christians not valuing friendship... i think that's quite a stereotype there. grey wolf, i think it boils down to this... even in a church setting, friendship bonds are kinda based on chemistry and things in common. i've always preferred small churches, and i see strong friendships that stand the test of time all over the place! and yet, in the church i was a member of for many years in vegas, i only formed a really tight bond with one. well, two, i suppose, but one was stronger than the other. i haven't formed any friendships yet at my current church, but i'm still new. and i'm hopeful! there's another new couple there who also moved here from vegas, and they live just a few blocks from us, so i'm looking forward to getting to know them better.

 

i do understand what you mean about a lack of support network though. i've also been in many churches where i got that feeling... the feeling that i didn't really matter. some of those were small churches, but i found it to be true more often in larger churches i would visit. and it's very sad that there are some preachers who just don't tend to the needs of their flock. i think that's a critical skill, an important biblical mandate for pastors, that is sorely lacking a lot of time. 

 

but i do know that you shouldn't give up. and i believe you should pray that God will lead you to the church where you can be spiritually fed. think of the support network and friendship aspect as being an important vitamin that your body is currently deficient in. if it was a physical need, you would find a supplement that contained a healthy dose of that vitamin. likewise, you need to seek a church that has a better track record of being supportive, because that is one of your spiritual needs. 

 

if you approach this prayerfully, i'm confident that God will give you the ability to discern quickly if a particular church is going to be a good fit so that you don't waste months trying to get to know people that are unable to give that kind of support. ask Him to give you an instant feeling of homecoming somewhere where HE wants you to be. it might take some time, but God wants His best for us, and if we're willing to let Him guide our steps, He won't let us down.

[Guest]

The churches I've been in are rather cautious with small groups with concerns about small groups becoming cliques and taking away from the central function of the local church.  But to 1to3's analysis, I have found the Catholic Church better organized in respect to needs.  One of the essential ministries is what they call faith formation, where support groups and bible studies and learning occur.  In particular, seniors find vibrant engagement.  We could learn a thing or two from them and be better equipped.  Yes I realize that there is doctrinal error in the Catholic church, but just for the sake of discussion it is helpful to compare.  That being said, I also experienced the lack of willingness to form friendships there as well.

As an aside, I should mention that the most caring, honest and open fellowship I have encountered is not at church but in the recovery groups I participate in as an alcoholic.  I sometimes wince at talk of a Higher Power, but have found a nice amalgam at churches that have adopted the programs.

 

Same here. I've found more love, acceptance, and friendship in 12 step meetings than in some churches I've visited. How sad is that?

 

I have to agree that we can learn some things from the Catholic Church about organization. One of the great problems I see in my area is a complete lack of any kind of discipleship or "new convert" classes. Teaching and training the new converts seems to be largely missing in many churches -- but even the cults train their converts! Then again new converts can be a rare thing in some churches too . . .

[GoldenEagle]

I think you have to join small/cell groups to have fellowship and study Bible together. Sunday church service is about the vertical (you with God) relationship mostly. Small groups is where more support/horizontal (between people) relationship happen.

+1 I agree

[Guest]

I have been a believer for about 37 years and I've come to a realization that church is not where you find true friendship.  Everyone enjoys getting together to worship, and so do I, but no one is interested in say, getting together for lunch now and then.  And when personal crises arise, church family is not the place to find support.  I have from time to time tried to reestablish relationships with fellow believers that I've known in the past, but they couldn't care less.  When I stopped going to church in two instances due to discouragement, not even the pastors followed up with me.

 

I recently saw the movie God's Not Dead and it hit the nail on the head without really meaning to.  When the Muslim girl was thrown out of the house by her father, she turned to a pastor for help.  As she sat in his office, obviously hurting, the only thing he offered was a weak smile and some pious advice.  He did not ask her where she was going to go, what she would do, even if she had a place to stay.  Oh yes, his assistant hugged the girl and offered her superficial encouragement.

 

I will continue to attend church to worship God, but I see it as a social club and generally feel- good preaching, not a place to turn when I am looking for true fellowship or hurting.  I have cultivated relationships with non evangelical people and nonbelievers  and value my family more than ever.  And of course most importantly, with Christ my King.

 

I don't know if anyone else feels the same way or has had a similar experience, but I think this is a sad state of affairs.

 

Yeap~!

~

Psalm 38

 

A psalm of David, asking God to remember him.

 

        O Lord, don’t rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your rage!

 

        Your arrows have struck deep, and your blows are crushing me.

 

         Because of your anger, my whole body is sick; my health is broken because of my sins.

 

         My guilt overwhelms me— it is a burden too heavy to bear.

 

         My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins.

 

          I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief.

 

          A raging fever burns within me, and my health is broken.

 

          I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart.

 

          You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh.

 

          My heart beats wildly, my strength fails, and I am going blind.

 

           My loved ones and friends stay away, fearing my disease. Even my own family stands at a distance.

 

           Meanwhile, my enemies lay traps to kill me. Those who wish me harm make plans to ruin me.

 

           All day long they plan their treachery.

 

           But I am deaf to all their threats. I am silent before them as one who cannot speak.

 

           I choose to hear nothing, and I make no reply.

 

For I am waiting for you, O Lord. You must answer for me, O Lord my God.

 

I prayed, “Don’t let my enemies gloat over me or rejoice at my downfall. ”I am on the verge of collapse, facing constant pain.

 

But I confess my sins; I am deeply sorry for what I have done.

 

I have many aggressive enemies; they hate me without reason.

 

They repay me evil for good and oppose me for pursuing good.Do not abandon me, O Lord. Do not stand at a distance, my God.

 

           Come quickly to help me, O Lord my savior. Psalm 38 (NLT)

 

And Amen~!

 

I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from?

 

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

 

He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber;

 

indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

 

The Lord watches over you— the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

 

the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

 

The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life;

 

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

 

both now and forevermore. Psalms 121 (NIV)

 

[Mandi]

I think this is a big problem in general.  People are very self-focused and focused on their kids and what sport/activity they are doing that season to where no one has time to form actual lasting friendships.  We are all too busy.

 

Our church is big on "doing life together."  We have small groups and we joined one as soon as we joined the church.  It takes time and intention.  We have people we can now rely on when we need.  Deep friendship is still hard though!  But trying to get there.  I desire very much to have good friends at church and feel much of the time that everyone there has well established friendships because they've been there since the church started and we are still on the outside.  Its hard.

We recently started leading our own life group (small group), and have a small handful of people that come.  Its frustrating when you don't have consistency because you want everyone to grow close.  Makes me miss our group we came from, but I know its where we are supposed to be and exciting to kind of shepherd and be a part of peoples Christian walk.  

 

Chuches today for the most part it seems are not the churches they talk about in the NT where people were at each others houses and sharing, giving what was needed and talking about things of God all the time. 

 

Also I think we have to remember pastors are just people like you and I and they can't read minds.  If you are discouraged, tell them.  If you're discouraged because you've felt overlooked, share that with them.  9 times out of 10 they had no clue.  They deal with a lot of people all week long.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.  Its frustrating to desire close Christian fellowship and not have it at the church you go to.  Another note: if the church you are going to doesn't like small groups because they feel like it will take away from actual church you may need to find another church.  They should never feel threatened by something like that.  Speaks volumes about the leadership.