What do you think about Boundaries?

[Ezra]

46 minutes ago, Out of the Shadows said:

I do not agree with is that counselor is what a Pastor is called to do

Pastors and elders are by definition counselors. They are there to guide the flock.  Secular counselors have nothing to offer Christians other than hot air.

[missmuffet]

1 hour ago, Yowm said:

Counselling, and shepherding  should be one of the marks of a shepherd, not an organizer, CEO, pep talker, or comedian.

Again, God's Word best prepares him for that if he is doing what he is called to do.

Actually I think a really good and qualified counselor would have a number of attributes. But "counselor" is a really broad word. Are we talking a social worker? Psychologist? I think I would pick the Psychologist with a PHD.

[missmuffet]

8 minutes ago, Ezra said:

Pastors and elders are by definition counselors. They are there to guide the flock.  Secular counselors have nothing to offer Christians other than hot air.

The counseling I have received from a Pastor was horrible. So it all depends on the Pastor. A couple of pastors have referred to counselors. They were just too busy to do any counseling.

[natasha]

On 8/31/2016 at 8:01 PM, GoldenEagle said:

 Hiya Natasha! ?

 Can you give an example of how her family member was not respecting boundaries? 

 Why do you think the book is not for everyone? 

Why do you think some people believe the boundaries are selfish?

 God bless, GE

 

I'm not on alot, so sorry about the time lag for response.

Searching through the drawers of other people, looking through belongings for something to gain information, saying things that are controlling like "God told me to tell you" or 'God is not pleased with you.  You need to repent"  Disrespecting the choices made and overiding them...anything that exerts control.  You should not be controlling other people

Well I would say the book is for everyone in my opinion, but it's not for people who like to control unless they desire to stop what they are doing

Boundaries are normal...even God gives us free choice...when someone crosses the line, they can even take the place of God in a person's life by controlling and disapproving things all supposedly because it would not please God when in truth, it does not suit the purposes of the person doing the controlling

[Guest shiloh357]

1 hour ago, GoldenEagle said:

Hiya Shiloh! This sounds like a very co-dependent, unhealthy relationship. This shows a clear lack of boundaries, poor communication, and lack of discernment. Must be exhausting for both of them right?

"Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. " Source

It is interesting that people warned him about her before they got married. What generally speaking do you think they told the guy? Seems like people don't love her enough to try to help her change I guess.

God bless,

GE

I asked him what they warned him about.  He was warned that she was really hard to get along with  from women who had worked with her in various parts of their church.  He was warned about her family and that she was really devastated about her dad's porn use. Evidently one of the persons who warned him was a Sunday school teacher who said that she had unresolved issues about that and he was a psychology professor in his vocation.  The SS teacher told him some things that he could not tell me about, for some reason.

He was in love and just could not see what they were saying and said that she did not exhibit anything like that while they were dating.  And if she did, he can't remember.  

She cuts his hair.  She has forbidden him to go to a barber on the grounds that no one touches his hair, except her.  It is definitely not a healthy marriage.   What's worse is that he is afraid to stand up to her on that.  It has been drilled into him that divorce = personal failure as a man.   He is really afraid of what he thinks will be shame he will bring on himself if she left him.   I think she holds that over his head.   She isn't gong to leave him, but he thinks she will and she has him over  barrel and use that to her advantage.  It is control, to the hilt.  His father told him before they were married that he should do his best to keep her happy. 

He feels if she is unhappy about something, it means that he is failing as a husband.   Any displeasure on her part against him means that he must do whatever it takes to make her happy.   I can't imagine living that way.  

I think the word, "dysfunctional"  is a good way to describe it.   It is not a normal marriage, by stretch of the imagination. And they have been married for 12 years!

[hmbld]

1 hour ago, GoldenEagle said:

Seems like people don't love her enough to try to help her change I guess.

God bless,

GE

Hold on now.  How do you love someone enough to help them change?  

 

1 hour ago, GoldenEagle said:

We are responsible to, not for each other. We are to love one another, not be one another.

 

If we are only responsible "to" one another, and not "for" each other, than I fail to understand your point about loving someone enough to help them change, if they don't want to change, or they don't know how to overcome their jealousy/codependence, how do you achieve this?  My understanding is it is usually detrimental to undertake the challenge of changing someone else, when maybe it is all we can do to yield ourselves to what God wants to change in us.  Boundaries, does one step over other's boundaries to determine to help them change?

[missmuffet]

10 minutes ago, shiloh357 said:

I asked him what they warned him about.  He was warned that she was really hard to get along with  from women who had worked with her in various parts of their church.  He was warned about her family and that she was really devastated about her dad's porn use. Evidently one of the persons who warned him was a Sunday school teacher who said that she had unresolved issues about that and he was a psychology professor in his vocation.  The SS teacher told him some things that he could not tell me about, for some reason.

He was in love and just could not see what they were saying and said that she did not exhibit anything like that while they were dating.  And if she did, he can't remember.  

She cuts his hair.  She has forbidden him to go to a barber on the grounds that no one touches his hair, except her.  It is definitely not a healthy marriage.   What's worse is that he is afraid to stand up to her on that.  It has been drilled into him that divorce = personal failure as a man.   He is really afraid of what he thinks will be shame he will bring on himself if she left him.   I think she holds that over his head.   She isn't gong to leave him, but he thinks she will and she has him over  barrel and use that to her advantage.  It is control, to the hilt.  His father told him before they were married that he should do his best to keep her happy. 

He feels if she is unhappy about something, it means that he is failing as a husband.   Any displeasure on her part against him means that he must do whatever it takes to make her happy.   I can't imagine living that way.  

I think the word, "dysfunctional"  is a good way to describe it.   It is not a normal marriage, by stretch of the imagination. And they have been married for 12 years!

Blinded by love. Been there done that. Very dangerous. You have to put that brain ahead of your heart. It sounds like she is very controlling. But maybe he is very dependent.

[Guest shiloh357]

Just now, missmuffet said:

Blinded by love. Been there done that. Very dangerous. You have to put that brain ahead of your heart. It sounds like she is very controlling. But maybe he is very dependent.

Controlling/dependent, Yes, very much so.  I mean, any other guy would have divorced her within the first year of marriage.

[missmuffet]

Just now, shiloh357 said:

Controlling/dependent, Yes, very much so.  I mean, any other guy would have divorced her within the first year of marriage.

Are they a Christian couple?

[Running Gator]

30 minutes ago, Ezra said:

Pastors and elders are by definition counselors. They are there to guide the flock.  Secular counselors have nothing to offer Christians other than hot air.

 It is this sort thinking that leads to all sorts of problems, including suicide. You might as well say that secular doctors have nothing to offer Christians other than hot air