Church and abusive marriages

[bryan]

Theoretical situation:  Suppose a married couple is a long term member of a church with men's and women's bible studies.  Through one of these meetings, a married women in the church describes how her husband beats her.  Other things may be involved such as stress, money, or anger issues but not illegal drugs.   All people here are dedicated, long term Christians.  At times, the abuse may be 'justified' by the husband through scripture.

Question: How involved, if any, should a church be involved in trying to help married couples that are in abusive marriages?   What should they do?

I've heard of a surprising number of Christian married couples where the wife was abused in the past.  In some cases, they're currently being abused but the wife feels they must tolerate it to protect their children or for some other reason.  Being married and living in the same home frequently with children, they frequently don't feel they have options for help.   If they go to the police, they're frequently ignored, told they need to file for divorce, move out, or more before they police can help.  

Should the church be a resource to help in these cases?  How could a woman ask for help in such a situation?  Should the church pastor, elders, or others get involved directly and confront the husband about this?   What all could be done?  There are many questions here, so I'll leave it at this point for discussion.

 

 

  

[john1]

2 hours ago, bryan said:

At times, the abuse may be 'justified' by the husband through scripture.

Scripture doesn't justify abusing your wife, and you don't deserve a wife if you do that, I think that's a good reason to divorce your husband.

1 Peter chapter 3 verse 7

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

[Heleadethme]

3 hours ago, bryan said:

Theoretical situation:  Suppose a married couple is a long term member of a church with men's and women's bible studies.  Through one of these meetings, a married women in the church describes how her husband beats her.  Other things may be involved such as stress, money, or anger issues but not illegal drugs.   All people here are dedicated, long term Christians.  At times, the abuse may be 'justified' by the husband through scripture.

Question: How involved, if any, should a church be involved in trying to help married couples that are in abusive marriages?   What should they do?

I've heard of a surprising number of Christian married couples where the wife was abused in the past.  In some cases, they're currently being abused but the wife feels they must tolerate it to protect their children or for some other reason.  Being married and living in the same home frequently with children, they frequently don't feel they have options for help.   If they go to the police, they're frequently ignored, told they need to file for divorce, move out, or more before they police can help.  

Should the church be a resource to help in these cases?  How could a woman ask for help in such a situation?  Should the church pastor, elders, or others get involved directly and confront the husband about this?   What all could be done?  There are many questions here, so I'll leave it at this point for discussion.

 

 

  

Oh I am so glad you asked!  Yes indeed the church has a role, most definitely...........the men in the church need to protect their "sister".......they are to approach the erring husband and speak to him about the abuse of his wife, like the church should do with any other major sin......and if he does not repent, he must be cast out of fellowship and given over to Satan for the destruction of his flesh that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord, or until he genuinely repents.  The wife may certainly separate from an abusive husband and be helped financially and/or with regard to shelter and protection by the church, until and unless such time as the husband repents.  She needs to be counselled to forgive and to hold no grudge against her husband, etc, and also to be counselled that forgiveness does not mean putting or keeping herself in harm's way......so that she does not go back to him before he truly repents, as many abused wives sadly have a tendency to do, often with tragic consequences.  The church must help her understand that he needs to live with the consequences of his error for his own sake as well, to try and bring about repentance.....without which he is in terrible danger of his soul.  No need to go the law though, indeed the church ought not, if they can handle it God's way.

[john1]

Another verse I thought of 1 Corinthians chapter 13 verse 5, it's speaking about love.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
 

And if a man loves his wife, he wouldn't hit her, theirs just no excuse for domestic violence. 

[missmuffet]

7 hours ago, bryan said:

Theoretical situation:  Suppose a married couple is a long term member of a church with men's and women's bible studies.  Through one of these meetings, a married women in the church describes how her husband beats her.  Other things may be involved such as stress, money, or anger issues but not illegal drugs.   All people here are dedicated, long term Christians.  At times, the abuse may be 'justified' by the husband through scripture.

Question: How involved, if any, should a church be involved in trying to help married couples that are in abusive marriages?   What should they do?

I've heard of a surprising number of Christian married couples where the wife was abused in the past.  In some cases, they're currently being abused but the wife feels they must tolerate it to protect their children or for some other reason.  Being married and living in the same home frequently with children, they frequently don't feel they have options for help.   If they go to the police, they're frequently ignored, told they need to file for divorce, move out, or more before they police can help.  

Should the church be a resource to help in these cases?  How could a woman ask for help in such a situation?  Should the church pastor, elders, or others get involved directly and confront the husband about this?   What all could be done?  There are many questions here, so I'll leave it at this point for discussion.

 

 

  

The only thing you can do for this couple is to pray for them. If the woman does not want help that is her choice. The man could kill her ( and that has happened to a spouse many times) but it would be her choice to get the help she wants.  There are many reasons why an abused woman does not seek help. You could tell her what the Bible says about marriage and that her husband is not the spouse God wants him to be. But it could go in one ear and out the other. The Pastor could leave information with her if she will take it who to call and where to get help if she finds the courage to do so. Legal protection orders or no contact orders are really not worth the paper they are written on. May abusers ignore them.

[Neighbor]

9 hours ago, bryan said:

Theoretical situation:  Suppose a married couple is a long term member of a church with men's and women's bible studies.  Through one of these meetings, a married women in the church describes how her husband beats her.  Other things may be involved such as stress, money, or anger issues but not illegal drugs.   All people here are dedicated, long term Christians.  At times, the abuse may be 'justified' by the husband through scripture.

Question: How involved, if any, should a church be involved in trying to help married couples that are in abusive marriages?   What should they do?

I've heard of a surprising number of Christian married couples where the wife was abused in the past.  In some cases, they're currently being abused but the wife feels they must tolerate it to protect their children or for some other reason.  Being married and living in the same home frequently with children, they frequently don't feel they have options for help.   If they go to the police, they're frequently ignored, told they need to file for divorce, move out, or more before they police can help.  

Should the church be a resource to help in these cases?  How could a woman ask for help in such a situation?  Should the church pastor, elders, or others get involved directly and confront the husband about this?   What all could be done?  There are many questions here, so I'll leave it at this point for discussion.

 

 

  

Hi,

Theoretical - you have heard  - surprising number - all people Christians - ignored help -

???????????????????????????

Sorry I just can't comment on the need for real help to theoretical things heard about, because I  cannot follow it. 

But "church" is no an  excuse for ignoring civil and criminal law with it's assigned  responsibility to help any person under attack. Churched individuals do get involved. Call 911 and intercede too, if any person is being injured by another. Don't stop then to read Matthew 18. Know the plan ahead of any event occurring and then work the plan as events unfold.

 

[missmuffet]

Some men who are abusers are very good at abusing where it does not show. That way if the police are called they can not see the damage.

[Willa]

Our senior pastors as well as one of the wives are trained in sound biblical counseling.  They make use of community resources when necessary.  Many other churches in our area refer people to our pastoral staff for counseling as well because they are effective and compassionate, but they also have gifts, training and experience that enable them to perceive a person's motives and whether they are being honest.  They can only help the person they are counseling, so if one does not come they focus on the one who is there.  

 

[missmuffet]

30 minutes ago, naominash said:

I don't think abusers should be treated non-judgementally. Unless they repent truly, they aren't Christians.

No, they definitely are not treating their wives as the Bible tells us they should. A person needs to be safe. If not they need to get to a safe shelter. And that includes the children. And that includes physical and verbal abuse.

[missmuffet]

1 hour ago, naominash said:

Most abusers do not respond to counseling. The safety of the abuse victims should be the priority and most abusers would only use counseling as a way to get ahold of victims again.

Christians should give abusers who don't repent after being confronted over to their own sin outside the church. 

Some people really are evil. Coddling them only gives them the foothold they need to gain sympathy and manipulate others.

The church should not even associate with men who continually abuse their wives and claim the name of Christ. A Christian is known by their fruit. If they are Christians, they will give up their abuse and admit that they have no right to have their victim reconcile with them. It is the victim's choice.

Most men who are abusers have some very deep set problems. They don't want to hear about them. Don't forget that women can be abusers as well. But it is not as common.