Needing advise

[worriedwife69]

Thank you so much for sharing your husbands words of wisdom. I agree that these are my issues, please pray for me to work through these things and to not hold anger, bitterness and resentment in my heart towards him because of his lack of understanding my feelings on things, that is a really hard one for me so please pray for me. I have the attitude, well if's he's not going to care then why should I, or if he's not going to enjoy things I like then why enjoy things and be happy about things he likes. So yes I need to work on this and just show him Christ through me because  I do know that I am not doing this right now and his salvation is very important to me. Thanks again everyone for walking and seeing me through this, I don't have anyone to talk to about this so it's very helpful to have others in Christ help me through and pray for me.

[Marilyn C]

13 hours ago, worriedwife69 said:

Thank you so much for sharing your husbands words of wisdom. I agree that these are my issues, please pray for me to work through these things and to not hold anger, bitterness and resentment in my heart towards him because of his lack of understanding my feelings on things, that is a really hard one for me so please pray for me. I have the attitude, well if's he's not going to care then why should I, or if he's not going to enjoy things I like then why enjoy things and be happy about things he likes. So yes I need to work on this and just show him Christ through me because  I do know that I am not doing this right now and his salvation is very important to me. Thanks again everyone for walking and seeing me through this, I don't have anyone to talk to about this so it's very helpful to have others in Christ help me through and pray for me.

Hi WW,

That is so good to hear - a willing heart. Now we are all certainly continuing to pray for you, as these are feelings we all have to work through. It is good to remember that what you see lacking in your husband is only part of who he is. Write down, remember the good things, the work he does to support your family, his being with you at night and not down the pub every night or elsewhere. Men focus on doing the work to provide for the family, while the women, we focus on the feelings and how each person is. Two different perspectives.

Of course we want to see our hubbies grow in other areas, their feelings. but it takes a while and a lot of demonstrating our behaviour. As you `relax` more in your `role` and appreciate what God has made in your husband then he will have room to grow. Give him time and of course keep praying.

Love makes all things grow, Marilyn.

[worriedwife69]

Thank you, can you also pray for me about my anger and resentment with his dirt bike riding in general? Although I go with him from time to time, he literally makes me feel like he doesn't even like spending time with me like its more of a duty. No conversation can never be without dirt bike riding coming up, all he talks about is how he wants to go. We have a vacation planned next month and not once has he said, I can't wait to go, or it will be fun nothing just when are we going again? So please pray for me with this too as it has really been building up lately inside the hurt I feel.

[Marilyn C]

5 hours ago, worriedwife69 said:

Thank you, can you also pray for me about my anger and resentment with his dirt bike riding in general? Although I go with him from time to time, he literally makes me feel like he doesn't even like spending time with me like its more of a duty. No conversation can never be without dirt bike riding coming up, all he talks about is how he wants to go. We have a vacation planned next month and not once has he said, I can't wait to go, or it will be fun nothing just when are we going again? So please pray for me with this too as it has really been building up lately inside the hurt I feel.

Hi WW,

Can quite understand and will certainly pray for you both. Now as he is not a believer he is investing all his hopes and desires on something that he can do well, enjoys, and is good at. This will have to run its course and you will need to be patient and appreciate that he is trying to cling to something that eventually can`t sustain him. But he has to find that out for himself. Just keep close to the Lord and as I said, be patient as he clings to this thing that will eventually let him down.

We all go through times when we cling to things hoping they will hold us up, but finally we find out that it is the Lord who is our hope and security.

Was just thinking concerning the `anger.` Well that is an emotion that covers the real reason. And you of course would want a hubby doing things with you etc. However, life is not always like that and he needs the opportunity to find out that dirt bike riding does not fulfil his life. And that takes time, and I believe you need `hands off` and give him that time to work it out.

Marilyn.

[Marilyn C]

Hi again WW,

Just went for a walk and was thinking of you and your situation. Yes it is hurtful and we all get hurt and hurt others often unintentionally. Remember Jesus said, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." We need the Lord to help us forgive.

Now you have been sharing with us the emotions you are having, (which we all have) - anger, resentment, bitterness, etc  And your husband would feel those coming from you and that would make him feel unappreciated, and as if you are trying to control him, which you are at some level. If you continue like that you will further drive your husband away.

Now I suggest you have a sport, or a hobby that uses your giftings. We are not to look to the other person to fulfil us, which is what it seems you are doing. We are to support each other. Your husband supports you financially but not emotionally, which is an area most men have to grow in. They are told from very young not to have emotions, so it is very difficult for them to know how their wives are feeling. We, women of course are very tuned into our feelings. Thus we need to be patient and support our husbands, telling them how we appreciate them, listening and sharing of their interests. Of course they may not do the same for us, but that then helps us to grow in `dying to self,` and not wanting all our way.

This obviously is a big growing time for you in the Lord. Press in to Him and you will see him change you & grow you.

praying, Marilyn.

[worriedwife69]

Thank you Marilyn, I appreciate you thinking about me and my situation. Your advise is so incredibly helpful to me. I've been thinking a lot about what you said in your last post. I can't believe these issues are here after 28 yrs of marriage. I know these issues have always been there though it's one of those things that I have never dealt with an raising kids I think things just are different and then here our kids are grown it's the two of us again and it's different yet again after so many years. 

You are absolutely right that pretty much all of our years together have revolved around each other. I rarely ever did anything with a girlfriend as we always did everything as a couple. We had a sport we did together from our dating years up until around 1998 that's when he got into the dirt bike riding which at the time I couldn't even think about joining in with him as our kids were very young. He would go out both weekend days leaving me home alone with the kids, I started to resent it then which I was not seeking the Lord at this time but I felt I was raising our kids alone, I'm the one that took them to the zoo, the park, or whatever, he rarely did these things. It came about when our daughter was about 5 or 6 when she started asking why daddy doesn't go and do these things. It hurt so much to hear those words from her. Although she is VERY close to him now and she's almost 26. I just kept thinking well least he's dirt bike riding and not out partying, or drinking I tried to justify it, but the resentment did build. Then our kids got old enough where they could ride so we all took up the hobby, went camping we would do our "family" rides and he would do his guy rides, I did not love either of these things although I didn't hate it either it was a fun family thing. Then things changed again, our daughter married and we sold our trailer and my husband cut back  to riding one day a week if that. He really enjoyed me going with him (I think because he didn't really have anyone else to ride with anymore) but I went and enjoyed our time together. That's when last year he met these other riders and he just got all pumped up about riding all over again and now that's all he talks about. He wont be able to ride for a year because of his knee surgery and that's all I hear.

Here we are today and I do feel lost, I don't have many friends that I can really call and do anything with, I don't have really any hobbies away from home, I do crafting and stuff, but when I'm here he acts like he doesn't like if I"m doing something else when he's here not doing anything. Same as when I go to church, he says I'm taking time away from him, yet he can leave all day dirt bike riding and he doesn't see the difference, although when I do hang out with my daughter or someone else (on that rare occasion) he's fine with it so I think the church issue is because he doesn't understand it doesn't like it and it's new to him me going. But I do know I need to find something I can engage in I have interests but they would be things with my kids, hiking  I love going to the beach (my husband doesn't like to do these things) although beach isn't really a hobby lol.

I just still am having such a difficult time with all of this, I pray and pray and keep asking God to help me through this and I feel fine for awhile UNTIL he messages her again. Last night he excitedly told me that he messaged her to see how her bike did over the weekend, he said I think I got her bike jetted right, I said oh that's good, he continued to tell me their conversation (I hadn't seen it as I don't go on facebook too often), I asked if he was done with all of it and he said, I think so for now anyways, I asked oh what do you mean? (and I wasn't asking in any concerning way just in the conversation calmly, nicely curiously), he said I guess until she has further questions. I said oh I see. Then I asked him again which maybe I shouldn't have but it again was calmly and no arguing but said I guess I still don't understand why you have taken such an interest in helping this particular woman and for free? I said I have never known you to go through such great lengths and for free to just keep helping someone? he said well it just makes me feel good to know that I can help someone out, I said but you have plenty of other people that consult you and you don't do this much research and for free, all he could come up with was one guy recently he helped out. So I don't know if he feels helpful just because maybe he figures a guy could figure it out on his own where he feels a female wouldn't know what to do? I don't know.  But again he sent MORE information after all of this. I didn't say anything but I just have this feeling this woman will be here a lot with him just doing all this work on her bike for free and with her, plus maybe even riding with her in their group. I don't know. I did ask why her boyfriend doesn't help her out  because I said he has a bike and works on it, I said it seems like it would be the same as if I said ok I know you are a mechanic (which he is) but I said I want Bob to help me and show me how to do this on my car, he said ok that would be fine (which I doubt ) but anyways  he claims he isn't very good mechanically even with his own bike, he tries but has blown things up. Boy I just need to keep praying and pressing closer to God through all of this.

 

 

 

[Marilyn C]

Hi WW,

So glad you have come back and shared more. I was wondering how you were getting on. Seems like you are progressing, bit by bit. I went for another walk, (lol) and have some more thoughts which I think should really help you. Firstly let me say how great it was to read more of your situation which helps me (& others who are praying) to understand better.

There are two important things I want to highlight for you - 1. The enemy`s plans. 2. Thankfulness in a damaged world.

1. The enemy`s plans - to get us to focus on the one part and twist it and make it a huge thing.

Enemy`s unbalanced picture  - Hubby & helping woman = resentment by wife.

The truth - Hubby & fixing a bike = a balanced view by wife.

So what I am hearing concerning your hubby is that although he is not able to go dirt bike riding with the group he still wants to be involved. He is helping someone from the group with their bike and is interested in how the bike is going. I don`t hear him talking about how the woman looks, dresses, wears her hair, what she does at other times etc etc. He is INTERESTED IN THE BIKE. He has done work on it, (of course for free, he is not a business), & wants to know how HIS WORK IS GOING. (I`m not shouting, just emphasising.)

This interest in the group dirt bike riding is because it is fun, and adventurous, and also most importantly he is interacting with other people. He will grow as a man by having more interaction with others. You also need to do that, as you said it seems to be lacking in your life. Maybe join a craft group and build relationships with others. You will be a more balanced person as you do so. As a couple to be healthy we need to do things by ourselves and with others, and then also with the partner, otherwise it can be very draining on each other.

2. Thankfulness in a damaged world.

I can see that when the children were young it would have been nice for you all to go out together. You said you have resentment because that didn`t happen. Now we can all want certain things but realistically none of us is perfect and this world certainly isn`t. So you will save yourself a lot of heart ache by not looking for the perfect. Instead thank God for what you do have, and by what you write, you certainly have so many blessings. I will leave you to write them down. I can think of so many people who do not have anything you have. You (we) need to daily count our blessings, for that develops a thankful, content heart and not one expecting the world or others to give what they can`t or don`t at the time.

I will PM you and see if you want to continue in a more personal way.

BTW you probably can see I was a teacher at some point with my notes laid out, (lol)

till next time, and still praying, Marilyn.

 

[SisterActs2]

I am praying for you and your situation as well WW.  Have you ever seen a movie (I think it is called) "The War Room"?  It may help to watch it. 

Edited May 10, 2018 by SisterActs2
Got the name of the movie wrong, and added words

[Willa]

Our son did some dirt back riding in his younger days but traded the bike in for an engagement ring.  Now he regrets what he did do because of back injuries, shoulder injuries, knee injuries and all.  

Before my husband was saved I used to pray that wherever he ran he would run into Jesus.  He was running from God, but God can meet us in those places as well.  I also prayed that whatever sin was in his life, that he would use it to convict and save him.  God sent Christians into his work who witnessed to him.  He got the "Holy Ghost miserables" about the areas he was sinning, and most of this I didn't learn about for years later. Often his reaction to this was to get angry at me and blame things on me.  I took that to mean that God was working on him, and He was.   The one thing I did do was pray for him day and night as the Lord put him on my mind.  And the more I prayed for him. the more God changed me.  We are all a work in progress.  That process took about 4 years till he was saved.  Then he wondered why he hadn't done it a long time ago.

 I concluded that God was preparing me to accept my new husband, the person in Christ.  He became unbearably affectionate, and would walk up behind me while I was cutting up vegetables and kiss me on the back of my neck!  Not good when handling knifes. I had grown to love the old man, and now I had a new person in Christ to adapt to.  You would think it would be easy.  I would ask the Lord not to take it away, but just to help me cope with the change.  

We went through some of the same things when the kids left home.  It is a void in your husband's life too, even though he was not so involved with them.  Fortunately we worked to build our life together again, and to get to know each other again as individuals and not as mom and dad.  Change is always hard.  Can you work to learn more about motorcycles so you can understand the work he is doing and admire it?  That might go a long way.  Men need to be admired.  

1Pe 3:1  AMP   IN LIKE manner, you married women, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives,

1Pe 3:2  When they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].

[worriedwife69]

Wow thank you so much for all of your support and advice, I look so forward to reading this each day as it really brings things to me that I can't see on my own. Marilyn I would love to talk on a more personal level, that would be nice.

I see what you are saying about how the devil can work up schemes and every time I feel anxious and angered by all his increased sharing of research to her I pray, I do feel most of the time it being lifted from my shoulders but then sometimes in the back of my mind I get that anxious feeling of, he is in business working on bikes (not sure if you knew that) he works on many many bikes, that's part of his work, that's why it's hard for me to see why he would continue to "help" her when it was free, I work from home as well and I can't see me just "helping" someone out for free. I mean from the beginning she really wanted to "help" so she could learn and i see how he was just assisting to show her but then it wasn't just a quick thing either that's what bothers me. I know that when he does other jobs he will allow someone to help him when someone wants to learn and depending on the amount of work they do or who they are he will cut his price. I don't know I just can't help but keep from analzing the situation so I just keep praying.

Thank you willa for sharing your husbands salvation story, what an answer to prayer boy do I keep praying but I have faith that he will some day. My husbands heart is so hardened towards God it makes it so hard, I need a miracle and God can do just that.  I actually keep praying for my kids as well, they both are saved but neither are really walking with the Lord and we have a whole other story with our son that has put tremendous stress on our family and marriage. 

About the dirt bike riding he knows he can get hurt and he has thankfully nothing too serious but he injured his knee (not dirt bike riding) and all he kept asking me was why would God allow this, why didn't he stop me from hurting my knee, what am I now suppose to "praise" him because my knee is hurt?  or he'll say things like so we praise God when good things happen and it's satans fault when bad things happen? It's difficult to hear these things and hard for me at times to always know how to respond as I'm still learning so much but I think I've been doing pretty good. Right after his knee surgery he was still a little out of it he said, so I suppose you prayed today while I was in surgery? I said well yes of course  I did and he replied I'm just trying to understand. I kept thinking wow did he have some revelation while under anesthesia, why would he randomly ask something like that, and he was so calm about it, but he hasn't said a word since.

Thanks again for all the wonderful Godly advise