How do I tell him?

[LittlePebble10]

This is going to reveal my coping strategy I was hoping to wait on revealing. However, I feel like if I get advice for a friend or at minimal make people aware; it would be all worth it. I typically don't care to talk about this normally. Seeing how things went down on another Christian website the last thing I want is to screw it up here as well. I must also add that I could have handled it better the last time around. At least this time I know what to be prepared for.

.

.

What should I say to my friend?

So, my friend is having trouble with his parents. He has been trying to maintain a job and eventually move out to become independent. Unfortunately his employer laid him off due to medical reasons and according to his story his parents messed things up for when he was to return to work. Now he does not have a job even though he is desperate to move out. I know him on my FB friends list. He also uses the exact same coping strategy as me except there is no writing or artwork involved in his activity. At least not that I know of. 

.

I call it age regression because all the other acronyms have been ruined by the media (inaccurate information) . My Fursona is comparable to a 10 year old but, my preferred age is between 4 and 5 when it comes to age regression. So, basically I imagine myself as a toddler. I am 28 in real life but, this activity does a better job than any anti-depressant I ever been on. When ever I started talking with this person online his life story made my difficult moments seem very trivial by comparison. When he was in high-school his bullies would crush his lunch in front of him and he would just go hungry the rest of the day. Of course if the stories about his parents are true then his home life is far from ideal. Especially when it comes to maintaining mental stability using this coping strategy. He wants to try and start a YT channel based on age regression. Its a wonderful tribute to this subculture but, to make a living off of YT is doomed to fail.

.

Basically, I tried to tell him that he needs to establish a stable income before trying to do anything with a YT channel. All of my most favorite YT channels began with a very basic job for a stable income until they could rely on selling merchandise and do YT monetization. Mark Crily worked in fast food and I think Ben Eater is still holding some sort of job even though people are buying is electronics kits. King of Random sells many home science kits for their business income. Creating a YT channel can be done but, to rely on it from the very beginning is doomed to fail. I hinted at this to my friend but, he has it in his head that no one is going to hire him. He also has no desire to get a case worker much less talk to a psychiatrist at minimal to help with his depression. He does have a disability. I recognize it because I am autistic and I been around many people. Enough to know what it is and what its not.

.

.

End notes

I have been very busy over the week end cleaning my electronics lab area. I would be cleaning the rest of my apartment right now if it was not for this bothering me. I do apologize for my absence. I am willing to answer honest questions. If requested I am willing to make this strategy of mine low key if it makes people uncomfortable. I would really like some advice for my friend though. It bothers me that he is in an entirely different state and there is very little that I can do. Thanks again for the warm welcome and the acceptance.  

  

Edited November 12, 2019 by LittlePebble10

[BeauJangles]

Hi @LittlePebble10, 

Let me see if I understand this correctly. This friend of yours is a young man you met online. It does sound like he's at a social disadvantage, or at least was in highschool. It was kind of you to develop a supportive relationship, and it seems as if he may have few friends outside of internet ones. He's immature emotionally as well, and has difficulties keeping employed. But, he's anxious to get out on his own and attempt being grown up in as much as possible. 

Pretty admirable, I think on the outward. He's fortunate that you've been a faithful friend and offer some helpful advisement. Hang in there if at all possible. Hopefully you've been able to lead him to the Lord. He certainly does need this, and it would help him to attend a church with young people his age. Some good connections for a lot of things can open up for him if he'd take advantage of it. I'm unsure of if any of this is accurate at all, but what did you want to tell him anyway? 

Shalom, 

David/BeauJangles

[BeauJangles]

1 hour ago, LittlePebble10 said:

I have been very busy over the week end cleaning my electronics lab area. I would be cleaning the rest of my apartment right now if it was not for this bothering me. I do apologize for my absence. I am willing to answer honest questions. If requested I am willing to make this strategy of mine low key if it makes people uncomfortable. I would really like some advice for my friend though. It bothers me that he is in an entirely different state and there is very little that I can do. Thanks again for the warm welcome and the acceptance.   

Just a postscript here. I'm impressed you're into electronics and stuff. I was an analog audio/visual tech from the early 1980's - early 90's. Lost a decent career when the Digital Age was fully ushered in. It was a nice job while it lasted. Guess I became obsolete and couldn't cut it against the young-bloods with their higher education, degrees and all. Oh, well. 

[AnOrangeCat]

I largely agree with you. Anyone looking to make it on YT should have something else going already and then transition into that. The people making a living off of it now started years ago and gradually made their way where they are now. Some other important things are that there's way more competition now than there was when a lot of the past and present big names there got started, YT is changing their monetization policies over time, and people who put themselves out there on Youtube are subject to plenty of criticism and harassment that sometimes crosses over into real life, like people digging up their private information and circulating it over the internet. If your friend is sensitive to verbal criticism at all he's stepping into the wrong field and staking all his hopes on it is probably a bad move. Definitely better for him to have alternative prospects lined up in case his main one doesn't turn out as planned for whatever reason.

Speaking as someone with depression and eccentricities I can say he absolutely needs a support network. It's great having online friends, but he definitely needs local support. People in situations like his are just one emergency away from homelessness, and as you yourself demonstrated, even people who want to help out aren't necessarily able to cross state lines. Going to a church and getting to know people there could be a step in that direction.

At some point I do think some possibly hard questions will need to be presented. From what you've said there are at least a couple of self defeating behaviors in play, like the refusal to see a psychiatrist and the belief that no one will hire him. Why does he believe no one will hire him? What can he do to address that?

[Who me]

Next time you chat or text with him, be blunt.

He needs a job that will pay his rent, fuel, food, medicine, transport and insurance cost. His utube activities are nothing more than a hobby.

If he is unable to fine work he has to close his mouth and be very polite to his parents who are paying for the things he cannot pay for.

As orange cat has said he needs to be involved in a church, to help him find friends and to accept medical help for his depression.

 

it is hard telling someone you know what they don' want to hear. He may well unfriend you.

if he does don't take it personally.

[Tzephanyahu]

Shalom @LittlePebble10

Is your friend a Christian?  If not, it will be tricky to offer any useful advice without it becoming based in Psychology.  I have some knowledge in that area but it’s very limited in its capacity to help and is incomparable to the power of the Holy Spirit.

12 hours ago, LittlePebble10 said:

He wants to try and start a YT channel based on age regression. Its a wonderful tribute to this subculture but, to make a living off of YT is doomed to fail.

True, starting a job on YT is not a wise thing.  Rather he should try it as supplementary to a day job.  But as a replacement of a day job?  Not a good idea. Unless your friend is very highly motivated, completely open to the public, very skilled in video production and has many popular YT contacts – even then it’s no sure thing.  Also, once it's on the internet, it can spread like wildfire and not die out (in a bad way) so if he wants to share his personal struggles he needs to be highly resilient to criticism and abuse, on and offline.

12 hours ago, LittlePebble10 said:

So, basically I imagine myself as a toddler. I am 28 in real life but, this activity does a better job than any anti-depressant I ever been on.

If you don't mind sharing, at what age did you start this and what significant event caused you do this?   Either the earliest time you remember doing this or the time it helped the most.  

Love & Shalom

[LittlePebble10]

3 minutes ago, Tzephanyahu said:

Shalom @LittlePebble10

Is your friend a Christian?  If not, it will be tricky to offer any useful advice without it becoming based in Psychology.  I have some knowledge in that area but it’s very limited in its capacity to help and is incomparable to the power of the Holy Spirit.

If you don't mind sharing, at what age did you start this and what significant event caused you do this?   Either the earliest time you remember doing this or the time it helped the most.  

Yes, he is a Christian but, his beliefs does not seem to line up with scripture enough. This could explain why he is having trouble thinking logically and know what the wise thing would be to do. 

.

As for age-reg I began roughly 2012. My wonderland and tulpmancy began in 2008. I really don't want to get into details but, for the most part it was for depression and anxiety. I was working at a sheltered workshop at the time. My first adult pacifier was the Nuk 5 from ebay. it was a very basic medical one designed for therapy. They are commonly used for stroke recovery to help patients learn how to swallow properly and talk again. My first official pacifier was from PacifiersRus dot com. I prefer the Ortho #7 that costs around 60 USD because the stem is a bit longer. The short stem on the Nuk 5 does not cut it for me. They are modified by hand and this company in particular jumps through numerous hoops to get the certificates they have. I would not be surprised if they were not making a whole lot of money because of the certificates they have. 

.

To answer your question specifically age-reg started because I never like the idea of wearing a mask to play the part of being an adult. I love C. S. Lewis's interpretation of putting away childish things including the fear of being childish. Its really interesting to note that in this subculture these adults are trying to imagine themselves in a safe environment of a mere child. All the while children play adult all the time. Any of you remember playing house as a kid? Children will imagine themselves to be adults with a family and adult responsibilities. Yet, the subculture of age-reg will play pretend to be mere children. In my age-reg specifically its a merge between the two adult and child. This has helped me look at my problems in a very realistic way without becoming incredibly emotional about it all. Hopefully that answers your question. I am updating my public diary/blog on this issue specifically. I hope to post the four parts in the last two weeks of December and the first two weeks of January if anyone is interested.

[Tzephanyahu]

1 hour ago, LittlePebble10 said:

Yes, he is a Christian but, his beliefs does not seem to line up with scripture enough. This could explain why he is having trouble thinking logically and know what the wise thing would be to do. 

Yes, almost certainly.  For every problem stems from when we fall out of Yahweh's Will.  His Will for us is like a musical resonance.  When we tune in correctly, we can live in peace and harmony (excuse the pun).  But when we are out of the tune, the resonance can be detrimental to our own and it makes everything seem chaotic and unorganised. 

1 hour ago, LittlePebble10 said:

As for age-reg I began roughly 2012. My wonderland and tulpmancy began in 2008. I really don't want to get into details but, for the most part it was for depression and anxiety.

It's difficult to explore this idea without getting too personal into your history, and I want to respect your privacy as much as possible.  

Depression and anxiety manifests in many different ways and people have different coping mechanisms to combat it and survive.  I myself suffered with both and so I know how painful and dark it can be.

But of all the coping mechanisms I tried and treatment (mental and medical), it was all just a psychological bandage, and not healing.  The depression only left with the more of my day that I submitted my mind to His Word.  Not reading it for promises or cozy verses, but just reading it over and over, start to finish.  Great peace came as I started to get back "in resonance". 

Thereafter, I sought the baptism of the Holy Spirit - which I assumed I had but doubted occasionally.  When it happened (after a long time of seeking), my mindset improved dramatically.  I felt (and do feel) a peace and joy deep inside.  Yes, I can still have bad days but now that "anchor" deep inside assures me that I could never fall back into that depression and anxiety again - unless I lessened His importance in my life like I did before.

I would advise for you to search this matter out, with your whole heart and strength.  See this as your great adventure with a treasure at the end that cannot be matched - the baptism of the Holy Spirit.  Seek this above all things brother.

1 hour ago, LittlePebble10 said:

I love C. S. Lewis's interpretation of putting away childish things including the fear of being childish.

I think there is nothing wrong with being mature but immature at times.  That is - being wise, self-aware, empathetic and contextually considerate but still able to be playful, silly, innocent and always seeing the best in things.  That said, I think it's important to draw the line with how child-like we become and how we develop that 'character'.  Does that make sense?  Take me for example - I'm a mixture of maturity and immaturity.  But I believe TRUE maturity is knowing when you need to be mature and when you can be immature.  

I sense that you have the potential to offer a lot to the family of Messiah.  I sense intelligence, care, patience, understanding, gentleness, creativity and reliability from you, from in-between your words.   But I'm concerned that a coping mechanism might become reinforced over the years to only hinder your potential.   When we start to label behavioural patterns and modalities of thinking, the very act of naming it makes it a psychological prison or deep pit.  We can think "Oh, I guess that's me.  I guess that's my issue and my problem".  Such thoughts do no good other than close our mind instead of opening it.

I hope some of this makes sense. 

Can I ask, what disturbs you most about the "mask of an adult"?  

Love & Shalom

[Repose]

I don't know what to say exactly regarding the age regression, on top of the furry aspect. I do know, however, the idea of retreating into fantasy in order to avoid reality. I think everyone does it a bit. I try to plan out books I might write when I'm bored. People turn on the TV or flip through a book because it can distract them from their troubles. What I will say though is that these do not remedy those troubles, they only mask them, tuck them away for a short while. That's not to say you should cease to do so (we all do similar, after all), but I only hope that it isn't to a point of avoiding those troubles indefinitely. A wound can't heal without a bandage. 

As for your friend... I'm in a slightly similar boat. I'm unemployed, and a rough and messy employment history interferes with my ability to get into a job. It doesn't stop me, though. I still turn in applications. I still go to interviews. A horse never wins the race by collapsing before they even reach the start line. That's just sad. Even if the race is never won, at the very least, one can take a little pride in trying. Never say never, as they say.

Maybe that horse analogy would speak to him, but it sounds to me like he's made up his mind. You can still try to talk to him, but if he wants to piddle about, then I'm sure he'll get bored or discouraged. A YT for age regression furry content is... Not likely to make it big, let's just be real. Maybe, if he wishes to work from home, he could find some other trade. I know furries like their fursuits and artwork. Could even take up writing, or composing. I'd still say he'd need a day job, though.

[LittlePebble10]

Just so I keep this thread on topic I would like to redirect questions and answers over my coping strategies to this thread. I will see if I can't qoute and answer your questions there in a moment. Help With Editing Blog?

.

.

As for other answers

10 hours ago, Who me said:

Next time you chat or text with him, be blunt.

He needs a job that will pay his rent, fuel, food, medicine, transport and insurance cost. His utube activities are nothing more than a hobby.

If he is unable to fine work he has to close his mouth and be very polite to his parents who are paying for the things he cannot pay for.

As orange cat has said he needs to be involved in a church, to help him find friends and to accept medical help for his depression.

 

it is hard telling someone you know what they don' want to hear. He may well unfriend you.

if he does don't take it personally.

I don't think this would be necessary at this point in time. I remember all too well the sermons of my College-Career pastor. He always said there is a proper time for everything. Right now I really don't have the whole picture and I would hate to say something that becomes a personal attack unintentionally.

21 hours ago, BeauJangles said:

Hi @LittlePebble10, 

Let me see if I understand this correctly. This friend of yours is a young man you met online. It does sound like he's at a social disadvantage, or at least was in highschool. It was kind of you to develop a supportive relationship, and it seems as if he may have few friends outside of internet ones. He's immature emotionally as well, and has difficulties keeping employed. But, he's anxious to get out on his own and attempt being grown up in as much as possible. 

Pretty admirable, I think on the outward. He's fortunate that you've been a faithful friend and offer some helpful advisement. Hang in there if at all possible. Hopefully you've been able to lead him to the Lord. He certainly does need this, and it would help him to attend a church with young people his age. Some good connections for a lot of things can open up for him if he'd take advantage of it. I'm unsure of if any of this is accurate at all, but what did you want to tell him anyway? 

Shalom, 

David/BeauJangles

Yes, he is one of the very few on FB that actually comes close to what I believe. Also I am hopeful that he has friends outside of FB. It scares me a little bit because some of his friends I am not too sure about. I heard stories about age regressers getting taken advantage of. All they want is a friend to play a part in their imaginative escape. In my life I hope to make a friend who would imagine themselves into a small child with me and we can play card games or something. Ya know something simple but, fun. Maybe even get carried away with finger paints. However, I am very careful when it comes to meeting new people and nine-times-out-of-ten people they get impatient with me in getting to know them. I have to know for sure that I can trust them. I only met one person who may have been willing to give it a try and he was the one who told me I was a complete waste of his time. (My Glimmaria intro)

17 hours ago, AnOrangeCat said:

From what you've said there are at least a couple of self defeating behaviors in play, like the refusal to see a psychiatrist and the belief that no one will hire him. Why does he believe no one will hire him? What can he do to address that?

This is a great question. I will be sure to ask him about this next time I have a chance. Hopefully this up coming week end. 

.

.

End notes

Thanks everyone for weighing in on this. Please keep me and my friend in your prayers. I am very hopeful that he does not unfriend me because all I want to do is help. Also he is one of the very few who shares my struggles while still being Christian. Also I will edit this is I accidentally double quoted the same person. This forum has really nice tools for quoting but, I am still getting the hang of things.