Hardened beyond repentance?

[Chris0699]

A little over a year and a half ago, I had a crisis. A colleague at work was discussing on Facebook, as a Christian, how she was holding to the Jewish food laws as if it was expected of a Christian to keep them. She seemed really convinced about this. So, I began to wonder what other laws a Christian should be keeping, since I considered myself a Christian. As a result of this, I ran into John Piper's ministry, Francis Chan, I'll Be Honest (Tim Conway), John MacArthur, Charles Spurgeon, etc. and began to read and read and watch videos. At that time, I had been involved in ongoing sexual sin despite being married. And dishonesty to my wife about my sexual past which, if she had known, we would not be married. So, one night as I was listening to a John Piper video, the topic was ongoing patterns of willful sin, and the gist of it was that those in ongoing patterns of willful sin such as the sexual sin I was committing, are basically acting as if they do not know God. And since people who do not know God go to hell (and I had basically been using Jesus as a get out of hell free card, another thing Piper woke me up to), a sense of fright built up within me, and I have not committed that sexual sin since, despite having done it for many years (I am nearing 40). And I kept reading. So then I came across the necessity of obedience, which is something I hadn't considered, despite the number of years I have been in church and the amount of Bible I have read. I just thought I was saved. So as I went to bed one night while on vacation in Florida, I remember thinking that this obedience Jesus requires is too hard, and I slipped off to sleep resigning myself to hell. But the next morning I woke up and thought "what am I thinking? Of course I will obey", or something like that. So I started to clean my life up. I realized that, despite my effort, my repentance was false because it was based on worldly sorrow (being caught) and not a genuine sense that I had hurt God through my actions. So, since I knew that I was going to hell if I did not get to that place, I put all kinds of effort into trying to get there, all the while realizing that without the Holy Spirit bringing one to that place, it was impossible, but yet I kept trying. As a result, after a sermon at church that should have brought my walls down, my wife was asking me questions about why that sermon didn't do that, and, being angry that I could not make my heart respond the way I knew it should, angrily blurted out "well, I guess I don't believe in God and I don't believe the gospel". And the fear of hell went away and hasn't been the same since. I think I was given over to my hardness of heart after that. As one counselor I saw explained hell as basically being "darkness", I initially felt relief because his description of hell did not seem as bad as what I had been thinking, but I guess I do not understand fully what separation from God is really like. Annihilationism had also created a little hope, but I have abandoned that. And then Hebrews 6:4-6, that someone like me will never repent because I was never a true believer. I got scared and then very angry at God, and basically resigned myself to going to hell, and I asked Him to use me to help others even though I am going to hell. I came to realize I wasn't very serious about that. Then I began to come across the doctrine of Calvinism. At first this created fear in me, but I have embraced it because, if God elects me, He will do everything to bring me to faith. I am slowly learning that there is more to that than it appears, so that hope is not nearly as strong as it once was. Another hope I have had is that perhaps God will hear someone's prayer on my behalf and that would be how He awakens me out of my unbelief, but I am also slowly abandoning that hope. But sexual sin is not my only issue. I am prideful, self-absorbed, prone to anger, lazy, and comfortable/apathetic despite being liable to hell at a moment's notice. I believe I have committed the unpardonable sin, that I am past feeling and that God has sworn in His wrath that there will be no repentance for me. That I am judicially blinded for having thought so lightly of Him and that there will be no more light, no opening of my eyes. There of course is more, but this post is already too long. I have already posted on two other forums. Help?

Edited November 24, 2019 by Chris0699
Corrected some informaion

[Tzephanyahu]

Shalom @Chris0699

First of all, thank you for posting so honestly.  Nothing could get resolved if you kept the matter hidden.

Hopefully the answer I offer you will give you direction and peace.  Although you may not like the road to get there.

3 hours ago, Chris0699 said:

A colleague at work was discussing on Facebook, as a Christian, how she was holding to the Jewish food laws as if it was expected of a Christian to keep them. She seemed really convinced about this.

I agree with your colleague.  The majority of Christians do not agree with her.  But with a simple and plain reading of the Bible cover-to-cover (without the traditions of the catholicism, christianity and the church), keeping "Kosher" is good and right.  Although it's not a matter of salvation, but obedience.  Don't worry about this for now though.  You have bigger fish to fry!

3 hours ago, Chris0699 said:

and I had basically been using Jesus as a get out of hell free card, another thing Piper woke me up to), a sense of fright built up within me

Indeed, it seems than many Christians do this - being victims of crusades or poor leadership preaching "Just believe and be saved!"

But that word "believe" is loaded.  For what does it mean to believe?  If you believe all that God said, you would pay heed. If you believed everything the Messiah said, you would pay heed.  But Westerners can tend to take the simple view of "believe" and think that just believing Jesus was the Son of God, as if it were like a magic code.  No, not at all. Believing in Him means following Him.  

As James writes in James 2:19: "You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that-and shudder".  What then? Are the demons saved because they believe?  No, not at all.  Satan saw, talked and believed Jesus was the Son of God quite clearly - is he then saved?  No, not at all.  Belief implies action based upon that belief - that is, to follow His ways.  

Consider this.  The word faith and faithfulness are one and the same word in Greek.  Therefore, when you read the New Testament, keep this interchange in mind.  For it's not just faith in Him, but faithfulness to Him.  

The 'sense of fright' that built up in you is likely to be from Yahweh.  But rejoice!  That means He doesn't seek to blind you in ignorance to Hell, but awaken you to repentance and truth to His Kingdom.

3 hours ago, Chris0699 said:

So then I came across the necessity of obedience, which is something I hadn't considered, despite the number of years I have been in church and the amount of Bible I have read.

Exactly.  Praise Yahweh!  Surely, He is trying to guide you.

3 hours ago, Chris0699 said:

I remember thinking that this obedience Jesus requires is too hard, and I slipped off to sleep resigning myself to hell. But the next morning I woke up and thought "what am I thinking? Of course I will obey", or something like that. So I started to clean my life up. I realized that, despite my effort, my repentance was false because it was based on worldly sorrow (being caught) and not a genuine sense that I had hurt God through my actions. So, since I knew that I was going to hell if I did not get to that place, I put all kinds of effort into trying to get there, all the while realizing that without the Holy Spirit bringing one to that place, it was impossible, but yet I kept trying. As a result, after a sermon at church that should have brought my walls down, my wife was asking me questions about why that sermon didn't do that, and, being angry that I could not make my heart respond the way I knew it should, angrily blurted out "well, I guess I don't believe in God and I don't believe the gospel".

It sounds like that after you recieved the revelation or direction from Yahweh to repent (change direction) and walk with Him, you had an attack from your fleshly sinful side.  

My friend, be under no illusion here - you are comprised of sides that are constantly at war.  The fleshly side - which seeks comfort, pleasure, satisfaction in abundance and flees from discipline and the ways of God.  The spirit side - which seeks to serve God, do right, obey and show love and peace.  The fleshy side will not allow your thoughts to turn to God as those ways are contrary to it's goals.  When we sin, we effectively hand the reigns over to the fleshly side and it directs the carriage.  When we refuse to sin and follow Him, the spirit side has the reigns.  

This principle is discussed in detail by the Apostle Paul in Romans 7:7 to 8:11. Please take time to read it carefully and studiously.

I believe (please do not take offence) that your dwelling and pleasure in the sins that you mentioned have firmly planted the reigns in the hands of your selfish fleshly side, who will do all it can to keep control - even to the extent of hardening your heart and angrily moving you to blurt out foolish words.  Here's the catch though. That fleshly side is still you - so you are accountable.   But all is not lost, so don't worry!  

This is why, when we come to the Messiah, we are told to die to Him in the flesh, which is the symbolic ceremony of the water baptism.  Once we refuse the flesh entirely and say "No, I want to serve Yahweh, I want to do good, I don't want to sin anymore", then we have made the choice to walk after what our spirit wants - Him and His ways.  The flesh will not give up so easily though and try and convince you with all your intellect and reasoning skills why it is better to walk after the flesh.  It will utterly convince you, beguile you and entrap you to get what it wants - and it knows full well what you like and your weaknesses - because it is you.  In this way, your fleshly side is like your final boss who you must overcome.  More on this later.

3 hours ago, Chris0699 said:

I think I was spiritually euthanized after that.

That's a new one!  I've not heard it before and it doesn't match up with Scripture though.  So be at ease on this matter.

3 hours ago, Chris0699 said:

As one counselor I saw explained hell as basically being "darkness", I initially felt relief because his description of hell did not seem as bad as what I had been thinking

Sounds like the flesh speaking at that moment.

3 hours ago, Chris0699 said:

I asked Him to use me to help others even though I am going to hell

Sounds like the spirit man talking but under the flesh's authority

3 hours ago, Chris0699 said:

But sexual sin is not my only issue. I am prideful, self-absorbed, prone to anger, lazy, and comfortable/apathetic despite being liable to hell at a moment's notice.

It was brave for you to write these things before all.  Have you confessed these aloud to Yahweh yet in prayer?  Don't be afraid of Him Chris.  He wants honesty, brutal raw honesty - even if it's rude.  He knows all there is to know about you, so holding stuff back in prayer is only going to lose His interest (I think).

3 hours ago, Chris0699 said:

That I am judicially blinded for having thought so lightly of Him and that there will be no more light, no opening of my eyes.

Nope. Your statement is illogical.  It sounds like a convincing argument from the flesh.  But those who are blinded don't think they are or worry that their eyes will not be opened.  Instead, they think they know-it-all, that they have got it all right, and that there is no more for them to learn - that is what the blind look like.  

 

Here's my advice to you friend, for the month ahead.

• Take it back to basics.  Go upon your knees in front of the Father and pour out your heart in raw honesty like you have in this post (if you haven't already).  Tell Him that you want to serve Him but that sin pulls you down and your struggle to obey Him - but that you want the power to do so.  Start each an every day with a simple short prayer "Yahweh, I love you.  Please give me Wisdom, in the name of your son the Messiah, Jesus".  It may feel like a habit at first and that you aren't really connecting, but continue to do this, each morning.  
• Lay no greater burden on yourself in obedience other than to avoid the thoughts of adultery, hatred, pride and anger AS THEY START.  Do not entertain them.  As they appear think "No, overruled!" much like a judge.  In this way, your spirit man will be refusing to give over the reigns to the flesh.  Remember, do not entertain them, engage them or try to argue or reason with them.  Just think "Nope, overruled" - and they will eventually leave you.  This isn't what your future obedience will look like, but baby steps, and I feel comfortable with the Holy Spirit in advising you to do just this sign of obedience for now.
• Read the Word regularly.  It doesn't need to be everyday but it does need to be regular.  Do not follow devotionals or 365 reading plans.  They are worth very little and are without much wisdom.  Instead, read the Bible as if you have just unearthed the only copy of a book that contains the secrets of the world and the words of God - that is, with passion and invested interest.  Not "what can I get out of it" but "what is He trying to teach us?".  For a good battle plan on reading the Bible, check out this guide HERE to begin the journey chronologically.  For inspiration why to bother reading the Bible regularly, check out this insight HERE.

If you do the above for one whole month, I believe you will definitely see changes within yourself, mental health and walk with Yahweh.  Trust me.  I had to do the above myself when I fell into sin.  Keeping the basics above will help you have a solid rock to rest on in these stormy seas you face.

Finally, your life goal should be to seek the baptism of the Holy Spirit.  I know from your words that it hasn't happened for you yet.  Seek this above all things.  It will not happen for you until you are utterly and totally serious about following the Messiah.  But as you get there (and that won't take long if you stay regularly in the Word) then seek this baptism above all things.  Again, this should be your life goal... When you have been baptised with the Holy Spirit, this whole battle between flesh and spirit will not be nearly as tough.  Following Him will become easier and in fact a joy.  I know as I tried to do so for about 15 years without the Holy Spirit and it was hard.  But, thereafter, following Him is a joy, a delight and exciting.  It completely changes things and lifts you to a new level.  Suddenly, all the things Paul writes about the Holy Spirit will feel as real to you as if he was describing your Walk.  When it happens, you'll know.  Don't stop seeking it until you DO know.  Don't let anyone convince you has happened, when you don't feel it yourself.  It won't necessarily happen with the signs of tongues, but you'll feel your heart transformed - for the better!

Well, that's enough babbling from me.  Thank you for your time in reading my long response!

Again, as hard as it sounds, rejoice Chris!  You are surely only feeling this heavy and are on forums posting because He is trying to snap you out of how you are being - because He loves you.

My son, do not despise the chastening of Yahweh,
Nor detest His correction;
For whom Yahweh loves He corrects,
Just as a father the son in whom he delights. - Proverbs 3:11-12

Love & Shalom

Edited November 24, 2019 by Tzephanyahu

[Chris0699]

18 hours ago, Tzephanyahu said:

Indeed, it seems than many Christians do this - being victims of crusades or poor leadership preaching "Just believe and be saved!"

Yes, somehow the true nature of what it means to "believe in Jesus" did not get across to me, whether the explanation(s) I received were unclear or I heard what I wanted to hear and nothing else. Either way, it didn't come across.

18 hours ago, Tzephanyahu said:

 The 'sense of fright' that built up in you is likely to be from Yahweh.  But rejoice!  That means He doesn't seek to blind you in ignorance to Hell, but awaken you to repentance and truth to His Kingdom.

I am not so sure because I imagine that if it was from Him, it would be drawing me to Him. I think it was more of a fear of punishment that scared me than it was a drawing. All flesh, no spirit.

 

18 hours ago, Tzephanyahu said:

It sounds like that after you received the revelation or direction from Yahweh to repent (change direction) and walk with Him, you had an attack from your fleshly sinful side.

I doubt it came from Him because I would expect a desire to change my ways and live for Him awakening within me, and that isn't happening. Instead I continue to harden.

 

18 hours ago, Tzephanyahu said:

My friend, be under no illusion here - you are comprised of sides that are constantly at war.  The fleshly side - which seeks comfort, pleasure, satisfaction in abundance and flees from discipline and the ways of God.  The spirit side - which seeks to serve God, do right, obey and show love and peace.  The fleshy side will not allow your thoughts to turn to God as those ways are contrary to it's goals.  When we sin, we effectively hand the reigns over to the fleshly side and it directs the carriage.  When we refuse to sin and follow Him, the spirit side has the reigns.

That's the part of me that is firmly in control. I think as a result of how I have lived my life, the spirit side is completely silenced and there is no more desire left to change. Which is why I think I have committed the unforgivable sin.

19 hours ago, Tzephanyahu said:

It was brave for you to write these things before all.  Have you confessed these aloud to Yahweh yet in prayer?  Don't be afraid of Him Chris.  He wants honesty, brutal raw honesty - even if it's rude.  He knows all there is to know about you, so holding stuff back in prayer is only going to lose His interest (I think).

I think I have...but there is no heart in any "prayer" tht I utter. I'm not praying with my heart. It's just thoughts, contrived thoughts. The raw honesty is that there is no desire to serve Him within me. No desire to even change. I am spiritually dead. Flatlined. And instead of placing the blame on myself, I want to blame God for failing to stop me. For abandoning me to sin.

And I think I do consider myself a know it all. Yet, when I do read the Bible, I do make some new connections from time to time. But not sure if from the Spirit or my own intellect. Either way, this paints a very bad picture. Even though my daughter is seven, I think I need to explain to her what is going on with me and to warn her to seek Jesus for herself, because I will not be a positive example and she will wind up like me if she does not. And I think my wife doesn't fully understand belief either. But she of course won't hear it from me because I am questioning myself. I think it's beyond questioning at this point though. I believe the way I have lived my life has said "leave me alone", and He has honored that. I don't think there's any spirit left to appeal to Him.

[lovethelord]

Chris0699,

I've read your questions and replies from the other thread in this forum and I believe that you desire to know and love God. If that was not the case, you really would not care and continue with your lifestyle at peace with your decision. However, it sounds to me that you are still searching to feel a connection to Him and to obey Him through a loving relationship rather than by being scared into obedience “hell”.  My advice would be to keep things simple. Get yourself in a quiet space with no distractions and humbly ask God to work in your heart to soften it so His Word and Spirit can work in your life. Use your "own" words from your own "heart". I know you've listened to a lot of popular pastors, but go directly to God's word. Let it speak to you. Give the Bible another chance and ask Him to help His Word direct and humble you. Being part of God’s family imparts many blessings that are eternal. It is worth the effort! Whatever you are feeling now is God trying to get your attention. Satan is also working on you from the other side by feeding your mind with lies.

Romans 8:26, “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”

[Chris0699]

1 hour ago, lovethelord said:

Chris0699,I've read your questions and replies from the other thread in this forum and I believe that you desire to know and love God. If that was not the case, you really would not care and continue with your lifestyle at peace with your decision. However, it sounds to me that you are still searching to feel a connection to Him and to obey Him through a loving relationship rather than by being scared into obedience “hell”. 

Because, at the end of the day, if I do not have a loving relationship with God, I'll go to hell. I can't be at peace with that. And also there is a sense of something missing. But mainly I don't want to go to hell, nor do I want my example to lead my family there.

[Tzephanyahu]

11 hours ago, Chris0699 said:

Yes, somehow the true nature of what it means to "believe in Jesus" did not get across to me, whether the explanation(s) I received were unclear or I heard what I wanted to hear and nothing else. Either way, it didn't come across.

No, its not just you. A lot of us have to learn this the hard way through the  true men and women of God out there or by reading the Scriptures with no preconceived ideas. The state of the church today was prophesied in the Bible.  She is not in great shape (in general).  So don't assume"every church = truth".  Only fully trust the Scriptures, in each and every word, and you will not go wrong.

11 hours ago, Chris0699 said:

I am not so sure because I imagine that if it was from Him, it would be drawing me to Him. I think it was more of a fear of punishment that scared me than it was a drawing. All flesh, no spirit.

Not so my friend. I can see why you would think that, if you have been taught by modern theology.  But how do you read the Bible? How did some of the greatest prophets feel when they just met Him?  Not drawn into Him but utterly afraid and disgusted at their state compared to His Holiness. 

Therefore, such fear could quite easily be from Him to you, to shake you out of your lifestyle, because He loves you and doesn't want you to continue this way. 

If you spiritually heard an warning alarm bell ring whilst you were on the wrong path, it would probably give you a feeling of fear that could even be felt in your physical body.  But what is the purpose of that alarming fear? Is it not so that you will correct your path? And why would He be bothered in warning you, unless He loved you. 

Don't assume everyone gets such a fear when they are doing wrong my friend. It is a blessing in disguise. 

11 hours ago, Chris0699 said:

That's the part of me that is firmly in control. I think as a result of how I have lived my life, the spirit side is completely silenced and there is no more desire left to change. Which is why I think I have committed the unforgivable sin.

I'm sorry but I just don't believe that. About as much as I don't believe you're a giraffe at a keyboard (although correct me if I'm wrong). 

Who do you think is writing to me on this forum now?  Read you previous messages. Do you think the flesh would have you type that?  

You're seeking for answers that benefit the spirit, not the flesh.  I'm sure this experience isn't that fun for the flesh as you are exposing weaknesses, being vulnerable and not satisfying it physically. Only your spirit benefits and your flesh stands to lose out.  

Don't defeat yourself with your thoughts.   After all, aren't they transient, ill-advised and short-sighted, as the are in all men?  "Trust Yahweh with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths smooth" - Proverbs: 3:5-6

So you are wrong on this matter. Your flesh is not in full control.

As for the unforgivable sin, how do you think you committed this?

11 hours ago, Chris0699 said:

I think I have...but there is no heart in any "prayer" tht I utter. I'm not praying with my heart. It's just thoughts, contrived thoughts. The raw honesty is that there is no desire to serve Him within me. No desire to even change. I am spiritually dead. Flatlined. And instead of placing the blame on myself, I want to blame God for failing to stop me. For abandoning me to sin.

It sounds like you are in the polite stages of prayer to the Father.  Don't pray what you think He wants to hear or what sounds good or in the way others do.  Speak to Him as Chris, with all your good traits and bad.  Better to rude and honest then polite and distant.

There's not much chance you will offend Him easily.  He is far more patient, understanding and gentle than you probably realise.  

Imagine a child of yours, of 3 years old, came to you but was upset.  You ask her what's wrong, knowing full well what the issue is.  She smiles politely and says she loves you but bites her lip as she holds back her rage.  The most you get out of her is that she is not very happy but she says so politely and goes to bed.  How would it make you feel?  Like she was distant and  just telling you what you wanted to hear without sincerity, right?  But imagine instead  she came screaming and crying and about how she was unsatisfied, rebelling against you authority.  Don't suddenly the lines of real communication open?  Wouldn't you prefer that than your daughter to be polite?

Therefore, if you are angry with God - tell Him.  If you have no desire to serve Him - tell Him.  If you are sick of trying - tell Him.  What, you think he doesn't know already?  What, you think He is so easily offended by you?  What, do you think He is itching for the opportunity to accuse you but not to move towards you in compassion?

If you look at the way the prophets Jonah and Habbakkuk spoke to Yahweh, this will hopefully give you insight of how He respects raw, honesty - however that means you (the child) speak to Him (the Father).

Finally a Scripture that sums up Yahweh's desire for raw honesty is found here.

I hate, I despise your religious festivals;
    your assemblies are a stench to me.
Even though you bring me burnt offerings and grain offerings,
    I will not accept them.
Though you bring choice fellowship offerings,
    I will have no regard for them.
Away with the noise of your songs!
    I will not listen to the music of your harps.
But let justice roll on like a river,
    righteousness like a never-failing stream! - Amos 5:21-24

In this verse, Yahweh is refusing to accept His feasts, gatherings (church), offerings and even worship music.  When truth and sincerity are lacking, Torah makes no sense.  In the same way, relationship makes sense.  Therefore be bold and up front with Him.

12 hours ago, Chris0699 said:

Even though my daughter is seven, I think I need to explain to her what is going on with me and to warn her to seek Jesus for herself, because I will not be a positive example and she will wind up like me if she does not.

Honourable motive but a poor idea I think my friend.  It can only do harm as it implies "Daddy, the strong one in your life, could not do it".  I think this would only subconsciously give her an excuse to back away and think "Well my Dad couldn't either". Which brings me on to...

12 hours ago, Chris0699 said:

And I think my wife doesn't fully understand belief either. But she of course won't hear it from me because I am questioning myself.

You are to be a lamp to others and to your family.  Unfortunately, that heavy responsibility falls on you.  In an ideal scenario, if you were walking with God again, happy and content, both your wife and your daughter would surely find peace, stability and faith - according to your leadership.  Such leadership is spiritual and is beyond the dynamics of the family.  That leadership is ordained by God, and it brings me back to the passage I quoted above. Proverbs 3:5-6.  All answers to all things, are in Him.

12 hours ago, Chris0699 said:

I believe the way I have lived my life has said "leave me alone", and He has honored that. I don't think there's any spirit left to appeal to Him.

Ha, you couldn't have been this way more than me!  I was an utter hermit and isolated, I wanted relationship with no one.  Was filled with anger, hate, bitterness and very sure I had it all figured out (being taught in many disciplines of Psychology).  How wrong I was.  And I was like that as a Christian.  Not before, but after.  A bad incident happened basically and I handled it poorly.

But, praise Yahweh, he shook me out of that mess in which I thought I was spiritually dead, useless and disgusting to Him.  He made me realise how much He loved me and it scared me more than His wrath.  He taught me this AS I WENT BACK TO THE WORD, and stayed in it - consuming it like Mana. Don't underestimate the power of that leather-bound book of yours. It's alive.

Thereafter, years after, I got baptised in the Holy Spirit and that took it to a new level of peace, joy and love.  It sounds cheesy but there realness of those words are very tangible and very life-changing.

But, as I said in my previous post, baby steps.  And take it back to basics in those three points, if it seems right to you.

Love & Shalom

[Chris0699]

1 hour ago, Sonshine said:

Have you ever truly studied the Word of God, Chris?  

I have read the whole Bible and read it most every day. I have been a part of Bible studies in small groups as well.

[Blood Bought 1953]

You are struggling so hard.Jesus said, “ come to me and I will give you rest”.God has gifted this world with many great teachers ......let these teachers get you grounded in the Faith and put an end to your anguish and confusion...please check out “ get God’s gift.org”. Good luck to you. You are in my prayers.

[Chris0699]

On 11/26/2019 at 12:39 AM, Blood Bought 1953 said:

You are struggling so hard.Jesus said, “ come to me and I will give you rest”.God has gifted this world with many great teachers ......let these teachers get you grounded in the Faith and put an end to your anguish and confusion...please check out “ get God’s gift.org”. Good luck to you. You are in my prayers.

Thank you. I can't even get a true prayer out. I can assemble words and thoughts but they are not of my heart. I have sinned myself into a very bad place.

[Alive]

Read and consider the parable of the prodigal son.

There is no such thing as being hardened to not finding repentance.

To understand the depth of God’s love and forgiveness in Christ helps us to move beyond self-incrimination.

It may be that the Lord is testing your desire for Him...I encourage you to begin a process of resisting dwelling on the past and rather embracing a future as a loved and forgiven son.

We all have a large bag that we carry slung over our shoulder. That bag contains the sum of our experiences. Many of them failures. It gets heavy. It is good to empty that bag out on the ground and see ourselves as the LOrd does. Washed clean by the blood.

Empty that bag and see a new day.