Too scared of mother to give her the Gospel

[Thewhitedove]

I know I shouldn't fear man, but I find my mother quite scary. We have a complicated relationship and I have an unhealthy desperation for her approval.

God has recently shown me that I have a fear of abandonment which stems from our relationship and affects other areas of my life, including how I share Jesus with people. She knows I'm now a Christian and she has a very 'you do you' attitude but made it clear she doesnt want it. I tried to explain that Jesus died for us and she said 'nobody asked him to'.

She believes in 'something' and has a lot of weird, supernatural experiences in her life. She has no interest in following Jesus, particularly as she already views herself as a really good person. I actually feel that she has been under various kinds of demonic oppression for years and years.  Sometimes merely being in her company makes me feel nauseous (I feel terrible saying this!). I dont live near her and wont see her for a while due to the pandemic affecting travel.

I love my mother and want her to get saved. However, I feel that she will lash out at me or accuse me of being crazy if I just come out with it, the next time we speak. Even talking to her about the weather on the phone makes me feel shaky and my heart starts racing, so I couldn't cope with an outright rejection of me trying to show her that Jesus is the truth. I am starting to panic that she will die and go to Hell but when I have even a slightly uncomfortable conversation with her, I become full of adrenaline, i shake, my mind goes blank, heart starts pumping so that I can hear my blood in my ears and I either feel my face go white in fear or burn in shame. This is a big part of why I live in a different country to her :-(

I was never physically abused but her personality is very accusing and she always made me feel like I'm a bad person. She fell out with me when I was pregnant and the stress brought on early labour (my own opinion, not backed up medically-I did deliver early, soon after she sent me a slew of heartbreaking, unkind messages that devastated me).

Every time I have tried to speak to her about my feelings on our relationship, she gets angry and stops talking to me. I once tried to talk to her about some reasons for a serious bout of anxiety I had been going through because of things from childhood and she fell out with me for 6 months. I had just wanted to repair our relationship; it wasnt accusatory and was really done in what I thought was a spirit of love. She withdraws contact or goes cold for small things, and sometimes I dont know what I have done wrong. 

I want to honour her by not giving away too many details, but I think she has a lot of narcissistic traits. While I am of course a sinner, the evidence of lots of peaceful friendships and work relationships in my life seems to indicate that I am a fairly 'normal' person. My husband says I am easy to get along with, I seem together on with everyone and have a lot of great friendships with people who seem to love me. I've thought hard about it through the years, and have concluded, through bouts of blaming myself, that she is the biggest part of the problem (of course I have played my part too at times!). During one of her fallouts, my father, who clearly adores me, admitted that he doesnt think she loves me 'in a normal way'.

I love her as my mother, and want her to know Jesus, but she scares me too much to tell her the Gospel. How should I proceed? Every time I try to pray for her, I just get flooded with lots of negative feelings about her. I would have a loving,warm relationship with her in the morning and have forgiven her for everything, but the scars are still there. How can I get past this? 

 

Thanks for reading!

 

 

[Justin Adams]

1 hour ago, Thewhitedove said:

How can I get past this? 

I feel for you as I have experienced some of the same. Ill will just hurts you, so somehow you must get past that. I have no real words of wisdom except to persist, pray for her (and you) and do not give up. Love can break all the barriers. God is watching to see what you will do next. Just do not quit.

[BK1110]

Continue to pray for God to get you past it. Start there; if even praying for her causes stress, then just ask for God to heal you enough to pray for her. Admit that you can't change it and you need him to heal you in that way.

Continue this every day. Continue crying out for that ability to pray. Then move on to the actual praying for her. Ask God to use you, or anyone, or anything else He wills to reach her in any way. And then pray specifically that God would use you, and would give you the strength and courage. Ask Him to make you strong enough to face her and the possible, or even likely, rejection you will face. Ask Him to enable you to choose being rejected and the pain it will bring because He is worth it. Pray continuously!

[DignifiedResponse]

6 hours ago, Thewhitedove said:

I know I shouldn't fear man, but I find my mother quite scary. We have a complicated relationship and I have an unhealthy desperation for her approval.

God has recently shown me that I have a fear of abandonment which stems from our relationship and affects other areas of my life, including how I share Jesus with people. She knows I'm now a Christian and she has a very 'you do you' attitude but made it clear she doesnt want it. I tried to explain that Jesus died for us and she said 'nobody asked him to'.

She believes in 'something' and has a lot of weird, supernatural experiences in her life. She has no interest in following Jesus, particularly as she already views herself as a really good person. I actually feel that she has been under various kinds of demonic oppression for years and years.  Sometimes merely being in her company makes me feel nauseous (I feel terrible saying this!). I dont live near her and wont see her for a while due to the pandemic affecting travel.

I love my mother and want her to get saved. However, I feel that she will lash out at me or accuse me of being crazy if I just come out with it, the next time we speak. Even talking to her about the weather on the phone makes me feel shaky and my heart starts racing, so I couldn't cope with an outright rejection of me trying to show her that Jesus is the truth. I am starting to panic that she will die and go to Hell but when I have even a slightly uncomfortable conversation with her, I become full of adrenaline, i shake, my mind goes blank, heart starts pumping so that I can hear my blood in my ears and I either feel my face go white in fear or burn in shame. This is a big part of why I live in a different country to her :-(

I was never physically abused but her personality is very accusing and she always made me feel like I'm a bad person. She fell out with me when I was pregnant and the stress brought on early labour (my own opinion, not backed up medically-I did deliver early, soon after she sent me a slew of heartbreaking, unkind messages that devastated me).

Every time I have tried to speak to her about my feelings on our relationship, she gets angry and stops talking to me. I once tried to talk to her about some reasons for a serious bout of anxiety I had been going through because of things from childhood and she fell out with me for 6 months. I had just wanted to repair our relationship; it wasnt accusatory and was really done in what I thought was a spirit of love. She withdraws contact or goes cold for small things, and sometimes I dont know what I have done wrong. 

I want to honour her by not giving away too many details, but I think she has a lot of narcissistic traits. While I am of course a sinner, the evidence of lots of peaceful friendships and work relationships in my life seems to indicate that I am a fairly 'normal' person. My husband says I am easy to get along with, I seem together on with everyone and have a lot of great friendships with people who seem to love me. I've thought hard about it through the years, and have concluded, through bouts of blaming myself, that she is the biggest part of the problem (of course I have played my part too at times!). During one of her fallouts, my father, who clearly adores me, admitted that he doesnt think she loves me 'in a normal way'.

I love her as my mother, and want her to know Jesus, but she scares me too much to tell her the Gospel. How should I proceed? Every time I try to pray for her, I just get flooded with lots of negative feelings about her. I would have a loving,warm relationship with her in the morning and have forgiven her for everything, but the scars are still there. How can I get past this? 

 

Thanks for reading!

 

 

Real love, speaks the truth.  Love, warns of imminent danger to life.  Love speaks to the joy of their Father above and His salvation.  God is love.

If you fear, you are not yet made perfect in love.

Do not let (ungodly) fear rule you.  Let God rule you, and He has conquered the spirit of (ungodly) fear.

I have spoken with my own parents, and they are now, after several years of difficult conversations beginning to see light in what I had earlier shared.  Sometimes, hard ground is broken up through sharp truths, and takes time to loosen the soil of the heart by repeated effort and prayer.  Do not be harsh, but explain to your mother what it means to you, and the joy you have.  Do not try to convert her, but speak to your own experience/testimony first.  Then it might allow room to open up for questions, and even if she is defensive or accusatory, just move past all of that, and continue to speak of the great love/joy/peace you now have, and that you would like to show her how you have been changed by Jesus Christ.

[GandalfTheWise]

6 hours ago, Thewhitedove said:

I love her as my mother, and want her to know Jesus, but she scares me too much to tell her the Gospel. How should I proceed? Every time I try to pray for her, I just get flooded with lots of negative feelings about her. I would have a loving,warm relationship with her in the morning and have forgiven her for everything, but the scars are still there. How can I get past this? 

One thing to remember is that it is NOT your responsibility to save your mother, it's God's.   To what degree He uses you in that process is up to Him.  Do things as God leads you to, not out of guilt or pressure or a sense of what "good" Christians are "supposed" to do and say.   At first, it might be as simple as offering to pray for her when she's at a low point, saying a few kind words, or surprising her with a card in the mail.  More opportunities to share more might arise as time goes on.

Also, take care of yourself.  Often our relationships with our parents carry some baggage, even in a good family.  Over time, God can lead us on a path that heals us from some of that.   Often our current reaction to what was a strained relationship will tell us how much healing has or has not occurred.   Sometimes it's like the old adage about oxygen masks in aircraft, you need to get your own on before you help the person next to you.  You may or may not be in a good place to do a lot of interaction with your mother right now.

I had a boss once that made my life miserable.  Nice enough guy, but we were a terrible mismatch and he was not in a role that suited his strengths.  He pretty much shot down everything I tried to do.  I got to the point I couldn't stand to be around him and was actively looking for other jobs.  After he got removed from that position and moved elsewhere, we didn't interact much.  Later he ended up in another position where we were in different roles as colleagues and we got along well.  Eventually, that work he'd been shooting down became stuff he was bragging up in sales presentations as critical company capabilities.  A few years ago, I had a consulting job that he was involved with, and I enjoyed working with him.  Another job just came up where I might be interacting with him again (I haven't seen him in years), and I find myself looking forward to catching up.   Sometimes distance, time, and a definite change of roles are necessary to reset a relationship into a more healthy form.   It sounds like to some degree you might still be in a child/adult relationship with your mother rather than in an adult/adult relationship where you can stand on your own as an equal.

 

 

[johnthebaptist]

7 hours ago, Thewhitedove said:

I know I shouldn't fear man, but I find my mother quite scary. We have a complicated relationship and I have an unhealthy desperation for her approval.

God has recently shown me that I have a fear of abandonment which stems from our relationship and affects other areas of my life, including how I share Jesus with people. She knows I'm now a Christian and she has a very 'you do you' attitude but made it clear she doesnt want it. I tried to explain that Jesus died for us and she said 'nobody asked him to'.

She believes in 'something' and has a lot of weird, supernatural experiences in her life. She has no interest in following Jesus, particularly as she already views herself as a really good person. I actually feel that she has been under various kinds of demonic oppression for years and years.  Sometimes merely being in her company makes me feel nauseous (I feel terrible saying this!). I dont live near her and wont see her for a while due to the pandemic affecting travel.

I love my mother and want her to get saved. However, I feel that she will lash out at me or accuse me of being crazy if I just come out with it, the next time we speak. Even talking to her about the weather on the phone makes me feel shaky and my heart starts racing, so I couldn't cope with an outright rejection of me trying to show her that Jesus is the truth. I am starting to panic that she will die and go to Hell but when I have even a slightly uncomfortable conversation with her, I become full of adrenaline, i shake, my mind goes blank, heart starts pumping so that I can hear my blood in my ears and I either feel my face go white in fear or burn in shame. This is a big part of why I live in a different country to her :-(

I was never physically abused but her personality is very accusing and she always made me feel like I'm a bad person. She fell out with me when I was pregnant and the stress brought on early labour (my own opinion, not backed up medically-I did deliver early, soon after she sent me a slew of heartbreaking, unkind messages that devastated me).

Every time I have tried to speak to her about my feelings on our relationship, she gets angry and stops talking to me. I once tried to talk to her about some reasons for a serious bout of anxiety I had been going through because of things from childhood and she fell out with me for 6 months. I had just wanted to repair our relationship; it wasnt accusatory and was really done in what I thought was a spirit of love. She withdraws contact or goes cold for small things, and sometimes I dont know what I have done wrong. 

I want to honour her by not giving away too many details, but I think she has a lot of narcissistic traits. While I am of course a sinner, the evidence of lots of peaceful friendships and work relationships in my life seems to indicate that I am a fairly 'normal' person. My husband says I am easy to get along with, I seem together on with everyone and have a lot of great friendships with people who seem to love me. I've thought hard about it through the years, and have concluded, through bouts of blaming myself, that she is the biggest part of the problem (of course I have played my part too at times!). During one of her fallouts, my father, who clearly adores me, admitted that he doesnt think she loves me 'in a normal way'.

I love her as my mother, and want her to know Jesus, but she scares me too much to tell her the Gospel. How should I proceed? Every time I try to pray for her, I just get flooded with lots of negative feelings about her. I would have a loving,warm relationship with her in the morning and have forgiven her for everything, but the scars are still there. How can I get past this? 

 

Thanks for reading!

 

 

Do not give dogs what is holy; and do not throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under foot and turn to attack you. Matt 7:6 RSV

[Duck]

@Thewhitedove said ‘she fell out with me for 6 months’.

three and a half years for me. Just for disagreeing!

@Thewhitedove said ‘Admitted that he doesnt think she loves me 'in a normal way'.

he’s right, at least he loves you though

All we can do is pray for their salvation and deliverance. I feel for you

[BK1110]

5 hours ago, DignifiedResponse said:

I have spoken with my own parents, and they are now, after several years of difficult conversations beginning to see light in what I had earlier shared.  Sometimes, hard ground is broken up through sharp truths, and takes time to loosen the soil of the heart by repeated effort and prayer.  Do not be harsh, but explain to your mother what it means to you, and the joy you have.  Do not try to convert her, but speak to your own experience/testimony first.  Then it might allow room to open up for questions, and even if she is defensive or accusatory, just move past all of that, and continue to speak of the great love/joy/peace you now have, and that you would like to show her how you have been changed by Jesus Christ.

These are great words as I am trying to begin witness to my own mother. We have to remind ourselves that it is not on us to save people, only God saves through the work of the Holy Spirit. We are to sow seeds of truth and share what we can, and leave all to God's divine providential will and power. And thank God for that as well, because how hopeless it would be if another's salvation was dependent on our powers of speech or persuasion!

[Who me]

On 2/13/2021 at 7:57 AM, Thewhitedove said:

How should I proceed? Every time I try to pray for her,

 

May I suggest you don't try to talk to her about Christianity, but wait for her to ask.

In the meantime every birthday, Easter, harvest, all souls hollows and Christmas you send her a ' Christian ' card. But not one with feely feely sentiments, one with a clear Christian message supported by Bible verses.

 

Given that most cards are full of sentimentally rubbish you will have to make your own cards.

Start with Roman 3:23 For All have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.

Or similar include the Romans 5 passage about being saved by Jesus from God's wrath.

As well as some suitable season's greetings.

 

You will know she has read and understood the verses by her angry comments.

Don't back down, ask her for the evidence for her opposition to Christianity. Make notes so you can include a response in the next card.

 

As for praying for her. Keep it simple and pray for two things her health both physical and spiritual and that she will become a Christian.

 

[missmuffet]

On 2/12/2021 at 11:57 PM, Thewhitedove said:

I know I shouldn't fear man, but I find my mother quite scary. We have a complicated relationship and I have an unhealthy desperation for her approval.

God has recently shown me that I have a fear of abandonment which stems from our relationship and affects other areas of my life, including how I share Jesus with people. She knows I'm now a Christian and she has a very 'you do you' attitude but made it clear she doesnt want it. I tried to explain that Jesus died for us and she said 'nobody asked him to'.

She believes in 'something' and has a lot of weird, supernatural experiences in her life. She has no interest in following Jesus, particularly as she already views herself as a really good person. I actually feel that she has been under various kinds of demonic oppression for years and years.  Sometimes merely being in her company makes me feel nauseous (I feel terrible saying this!). I dont live near her and wont see her for a while due to the pandemic affecting travel.

I love my mother and want her to get saved. However, I feel that she will lash out at me or accuse me of being crazy if I just come out with it, the next time we speak. Even talking to her about the weather on the phone makes me feel shaky and my heart starts racing, so I couldn't cope with an outright rejection of me trying to show her that Jesus is the truth. I am starting to panic that she will die and go to Hell but when I have even a slightly uncomfortable conversation with her, I become full of adrenaline, i shake, my mind goes blank, heart starts pumping so that I can hear my blood in my ears and I either feel my face go white in fear or burn in shame. This is a big part of why I live in a different country to her :-(

I was never physically abused but her personality is very accusing and she always made me feel like I'm a bad person. She fell out with me when I was pregnant and the stress brought on early labour (my own opinion, not backed up medically-I did deliver early, soon after she sent me a slew of heartbreaking, unkind messages that devastated me).

Every time I have tried to speak to her about my feelings on our relationship, she gets angry and stops talking to me. I once tried to talk to her about some reasons for a serious bout of anxiety I had been going through because of things from childhood and she fell out with me for 6 months. I had just wanted to repair our relationship; it wasnt accusatory and was really done in what I thought was a spirit of love. She withdraws contact or goes cold for small things, and sometimes I dont know what I have done wrong. 

I want to honour her by not giving away too many details, but I think she has a lot of narcissistic traits. While I am of course a sinner, the evidence of lots of peaceful friendships and work relationships in my life seems to indicate that I am a fairly 'normal' person. My husband says I am easy to get along with, I seem together on with everyone and have a lot of great friendships with people who seem to love me. I've thought hard about it through the years, and have concluded, through bouts of blaming myself, that she is the biggest part of the problem (of course I have played my part too at times!). During one of her fallouts, my father, who clearly adores me, admitted that he doesnt think she loves me 'in a normal way'.

I love her as my mother, and want her to know Jesus, but she scares me too much to tell her the Gospel. How should I proceed? Every time I try to pray for her, I just get flooded with lots of negative feelings about her. I would have a loving,warm relationship with her in the morning and have forgiven her for everything, but the scars are still there. How can I get past this? 

 

Thanks for reading!

 

 

That is too bad that you fear your mother. God will take care of her eventually. I agree with Who me. Perhaps you should not approach this lady with scripture. Pray that God will open her heart to Jesus Christ. Show her on what you say and do how a Christian behaves. Your character and integrity.