Trying to hold in tears...

[Figure of eighty]

I feel a slew of emotions from deep sadness to anger that I just can't shake this mental whatever off. 

I feel I'm too busy.  I have kids, I'm trying to study for school but I just feel like crying daily bc I can't get rid of this. These rhoughts,feelings ect. 

I try to atleast keep myself from crying bc I feel if I'm not crying I'm not crazy and I'm keeping it together. 

Right now I'm having a hard time. I feel like a failure as a mother, too many intrusive thoughts,I feel hopeless, I feel God won't help. I just feel like a lost cause.

I already reached out to my Dr.  She Said someone was gonna reach out to me-- hasn't happened.  So I tried to reach out to them. Email is messed up. Will call. I just feel like a failure. 

I'm trying but it doesn't seem good enough. I feel like I'm just a moment of splitting from reality. 

 

I'm ashamed I may need meds. I'm ashamed I'm alone and been alone and friendless my entire life. 

I feel hopeless bc I feel God won't help. I feel he's just looking at me wanting for me to lose then blame me for not holding on. 

I feel hopeless. 

I just feel God won't help me. My worst fear is the S word and I feel God wouldn't even try to stop me. 

I just feel he doesn't care about my life. 

I just feel small and unimportsnt to most.  

My brain is broken . 

 

I need assistance but I'm. Mot sure where to start. 

 

I'm trying though

Edited April 15, 2024 by Figure of eighty

[RdJ]

I hope you can find a church where they can help you and pray for you.

Maybe watch a video on youtube called Jesus is always with you. Can't link it here.

 

[Figure of eighty]

20 minutes ago, RdJ said:

I hope you can find a church where they can help you and pray for you.

Maybe watch a video on youtube called Jesus is always with you. Can't link it here.

 

I do have a church. A girl came to my place and everything but it hasn't helped. I just wish God woul literally stop waking me up. 

My brain is broken and I feel like a failure as a mom and in general. 

My very last hope is medication. If this doesn't work then I'm truly a lost cause. 

I feel so angry at myself that I can't suck this crap up and keep going. Others go through much much worse and still able to go on. I'm really mad at myself. 

I do hope God is really forgiving bc I'm trying not to do "S" but I can't will mental illness away unfortunately.  Hopefully he forgives. 

 

I'm hanging on a thread.

Edited April 15, 2024 by Figure of eighty

[Charlie744]

14 minutes ago, Figure of eighty said:

I do have a church. A girl came to my place and everything but it hasn't helped. I just wish God woul literally stop waking me up. 

My brain is broken and I feel like a failure as a mom and in general. 

My very last hope is medication. If this doesn't work then I'm truly a lost cause.

Go into a quiet place by yourself. Sit there until you begin to cry. And don’t stop crying and don’t try to stop crying… 

You will come to an end and then simply look up and thank God for everything He has given you. Tell Him you need Him and to never leave you. Don’t you know that He wanted to give you life? Ask Him why He chose to give you life—- what was / is so special to Him that He had to create you?

He is always with you. God bless. 

[Figure of eighty]

18 minutes ago, Charlie744 said:

Go into a quiet place by yourself. Sit there until you begin to cry. And don’t stop crying and don’t try to stop crying… 

You will come to an end and then simply look up and thank God for everything He has given you. Tell Him you need Him and to never leave you. Don’t you know that He wanted to give you life? Ask Him why He chose to give you life—- what was / is so special to Him that He had to create you?

He is always with you. God bless. 

This is very sweet. I'll try to do this hen I can.

[AnOrangeCat]

2 hours ago, Figure of eighty said:

I already reached out to my Dr.  She Said someone was gonna reach out to me-- hasn't happened.  So I tried to reach out to them. Email is messed up. Will call. I just feel like a failure. 

I agree with Charlie744. Not to sound discouraging but to share a bit of personal experience with the mental health profession I went to a clinic once years ago. I was a wreck and was also contemplating ending my life. They put me through three separate people to screen me and concluded I wasn't bad off enough so they put me on a waiting list. I heard back from them, and they just asked if I still wanted to be on their waiting list. It was unreal. My take home is that you have to both tell the docs and screening people what it's like at its worst and then you have to make them believe you're legit. Being composed worked against me, and when I started letting it all out I had better results.

[Figure of eighty]

7 minutes ago, AnOrangeCat said:

I agree with Charlie744. Not to sound discouraging but to share a bit of personal experience with the mental health profession I went to a clinic once years ago. I was a wreck and was also contemplating ending my life. They put me through three separate people to screen me and concluded I wasn't bad off enough so they put me on a waiting list. I heard back from them, and they just asked if I still wanted to be on their waiting list. It was unreal. My take home is that you have to both tell the docs and screening people what it's like at its worst and then you have to make them believe you're legit. Being composed worked against me, and when I started letting it all out I had better results.

I'm gonna message you.

[Debp]

4 hours ago, Figure of eighty said:

I feel a slew of emotions from deep sadness to anger that I just can't shake this mental whatever off. 

I feel I'm too busy.  I have kids, I'm trying to study for school but I just feel like crying daily bc I can't get rid of this. These rhoughts,feelings ect. 

I try to atleast keep myself from crying bc I feel if I'm not crying I'm not crazy and I'm keeping it together. 

Right now I'm having a hard time. I feel like a failure as a mother, too many intrusive thoughts,I feel hopeless, I feel God won't help. I just feel like a lost cause.

I already reached out to my Dr.  She Said someone was gonna reach out to me-- hasn't happened.  So I tried to reach out to them. Email is messed up. Will call. I just feel like a failure. 

I'm trying but it doesn't seem good enough. I feel like I'm just a moment of splitting from reality. 

 

I'm ashamed I may need meds. I'm ashamed I'm alone and been alone and friendless my entire life. 

I feel hopeless bc I feel God won't help. I feel he's just looking at me wanting for me to lose then blame me for not holding on. 

I feel hopeless. 

I just feel God won't help me. My worst fear is the S word and I feel God wouldn't even try to stop me. 

I just feel he doesn't care about my life. 

I just feel small and unimportsnt to most.  

My brain is broken . 

 

I need assistance but I'm. Mot sure where to start. 

 

I'm trying though

The most important thing is to realize the Lord loves you and is with you throughout everything in life.   He loves you even when you fail.  

Remember to take a day at a time with the Lord's help.   That's how we all get through hard times.

 

Another thing is we must be wise in how we treat our bodies.   I remember you saying that you are sleep deprived.    That will mess up your brain.   Before a doctor puts you on any brain altering drug, he should know you are sleep deprived.  

[Thewhitedove]

Oh, you sound like you are in so much pain. I just want to hug you. 

Go back to the doctor and tell them what your worst fears are. Let them see how serious this is. Antidepressants are very useful to give you some breathing space so you can sort out other aspects of your life.

Once your mood is stabilising a bit, you can take a fresh look at your relationship with God, sort out your commitments to your family and studies etc and regulate your sleep patterns and diet. Sometimes we expect God to step in when He has already provided a solution. Go and chase up the doctor as a matter of urgency and go from there.

There's nothing wrong with taking medication, if you need it. I took anti depressants some years ago and they were a bridge that helped me to get out of bed in the morning. I came off them once I sorted myself out. Antidepressants aren't addictive and can be life saving. 

God isnt distant, although it feels like it sometimes. He isnt though. It will all male sense when you look back. I'll be praying for you. 

[Pop]

God hasn't abandoned you, He will help you and your family, just hang in there!

"He chose the lowly and despised things of the world, and the things that are not, to nullify the things that are"-1 Cornithians 1:28