how does one honour a parent who is abusive?

[HisWordIsSufficient]

I understand it is biblical to honour ones parents. How does one do so when a parent is verbally, physically and or mentally abusive, extremely ungodly, unpredictable, unloving, uncaring and full of bitterness and hate?

As a parent now myself I feel it is sadly necessary to keep myself and my children away from their grandmother as she is a terrible influence and occasionally it isnt even safe to be around her due to alcoholism. All of her children have tried everything under the sun to help and encourage her but it on gets worse every year. Even phone calls are painstakingly longwinded and simply an hour and a half of listening to negativity, gossip, bitterness, swearing, paranoia and anger.

How do you honour this kind of parent?

[Sevenseas]

I can identify with your question and yes, it is very difficult.  In fact it can cause anguish.

 

It's not always physical abuse either.  In my case, it was emotional and spiritual abuse from one parent with the other just not really understanding what was going on.

 

This parent was and still is extremely manipulative, deceptive and duplistic.  It took years for me to realize how I was being controlled.  In fact, I really had to learn how

to draw the line because when a parent has no boundaries, it's like they think they own you and that is not healthy and NOT God's plan for our life.  Yes, this parent

identifies themself as a Christian which makes it even worse.

 

I guess I could say alot of things, but biblical answers are like safety rails on both sides, so here is a short, concise approach

 

Are Christians expected to honor an abusive parent? How can we honor an abusive parent?

The Bible tells children many times that we must honor our parents. At no point does it limit this command to parents who are honorable. God ordained parents to raise their children, teach them about God and His laws (Psalm 78:5), and not to exasperate them (Colossians 3:21). We are in a fallen, sinful world, and many people live this out in their parenting. So how does this affect the honor children are required to show?

The Hebrew word for honor iskabad(Exodus 20:12). Among other things, it means to be heavy, hard, burdensome. The Greek word istimao(Ephesians 6:2), which means to set the value of. Basically, it means we are to hold our parents in high priority. However the Bible tells us to treat other people, we are to do so even more for our parents. There are a few specific ways in which this applies to abusive parents.

Read more:http://www.compellingtruth.org/honor-abusive-parent.html#ixzz2zSBRMHPj

 

I would have no problem keeping children safe from someone who is abusive in any way as I understand how very harmful such an influence is.  I would also not have a problem disengaging

from conversations that are as you describe.  In fact, I simply say "I'm not going to listen to gossip/ I really do not want to talk about........fill in the blank/ I need to go now....we'll talk again/

and (well in my case there is no swearing or drinking) 'you know, I am sorry you feel that way, but I really don't have to listen to your language and anger.  If you decide you would like to go

to counselling, I will help you set up an apointment, but I have to go for now." and so on

 

Honouring a parent does not mean you continue to allow the abuse.

 

We need to set boundaries and an abusive person will never stop as long as you support their patterns of abuse.

 

Don't get putting up with abuse confused with love.  Love, wants the best and allowing continuing abuse is not loving for either side.

[missmuffet]

It is difficult to respect and honor a parent who has hurt us.The Bible does say that we need to forgive that parent.It is more for our benefit so we do not become hardened and bitter.We should not respond to that abuse with more abuse.We pray for that parent to change.The Bible does say that we do not have to have contact with that person if they are not a Christian.Because we do not have to associate with a nonbeliver and become unevenly yoked.God wants peace in our lives he does not want us to be doormats for abusive people.

[HisWordIsSufficient]

Thanks for both your responses.

Sevenseas: I get what you are saying. I do cut off conversations the way you described and have offered many times to help set up and even pay for counselling, rehab and the like. Which makes her angrier. Its come to the point where I have nothing left to offer but my forgiveness each and every time she does us wrong...

Maybe my question should be... how do we honour abusive parents from a distance? I forgive continually. I dont gossip about her, I call her on her birthday and mothers day. But is that enough?

I know one must honour their parents no matter what, I also relate to what Bopeep has said in that I dont think its God's will to put up with ongoing abuse...

Im guessing the answer is to keep praying, and forgive when new stuff happens on the rare occasion that we do see her...

[kwikphilly]

Blessings His Word

     God Bless you,tough situation ....one that does not have any quick fixes or one size fits all answer,I can only tell you this from experience....I am not going to elaborate on my mothers behavior,,I will only say we had a very strained relationship but now since she has passed away I see everything in a very different perspective.I would give almost anything to hear her screaming & carrying on now that she is gone,i would simply let her rant on & enjoy the brief moments when we did get along........

      So,how would you feel if there were no one to call on her birthday or Mothers Day?A couple of hours of what you describe as anguish,out of 364 days of not communicating with her does not seem so bad?She is a hurting person,she does not know of any other way of life....she needs your prayers and I do hope she receives Christ before she leaves this earth................you don't have to see her all the time & I think you may feel like I did,you love your mother ...you just don't really like her or her ways.While she is living there is always hope,after she is gone.....it's over.When you do speak to her try to imagine it is the last conversation you will ever have with her,it may change some things for you.Our hope is in Christ..............

                                                                                                                     With love-in Christ,Kwik

[Organic Medicine]

I understand it is biblical to honour ones parents. How does one do so when a parent is verbally, physically and or mentally abusive, extremely ungodly, unpredictable, unloving, uncaring and full of bitterness and hate?

As a parent now myself I feel it is sadly necessary to keep myself and my children away from their grandmother as she is a terrible influence and occasionally it isnt even safe to be around her due to alcoholism. All of her children have tried everything under the sun to help and encourage her but it on gets worse every year. Even phone calls are painstakingly longwinded and simply an hour and a half of listening to negativity, gossip, bitterness, swearing, paranoia and anger.

How do you honour this kind of parent?

You are honouring the parent if you keep your side of the 'bargain',that is you are not abusive ,neglectful and so on,but when you are abused you calmly say that it hurts ,it is destructive,and prevents you from being able to do your duty to her ,or him,and can not continue .It is very important not to get angry,but you can be distant.

[other one]

I understand it is biblical to honour ones parents. How does one do so when a parent is verbally, physically and or mentally abusive, extremely ungodly, unpredictable, unloving, uncaring and full of bitterness and hate?

As a parent now myself I feel it is sadly necessary to keep myself and my children away from their grandmother as she is a terrible influence and occasionally it isnt even safe to be around her due to alcoholism. All of her children have tried everything under the sun to help and encourage her but it on gets worse every year. Even phone calls are painstakingly longwinded and simply an hour and a half of listening to negativity, gossip, bitterness, swearing, paranoia and anger.

How do you honour this kind of parent?

 

First thing from my perspective would be to find out why.....   She has some really serious problems or she would not be that way.....  it may well be alcohol related, but there are always underlying problems for alcohol.      She may actually be mentally messed up.  Some tumors in various places in the brain can cause behavior of that kind......   Happened to my great grandfather until the tumor broke open.....   made him normal for a short while until he died from it.   But his whole demeanor changed instantly....   Dad said he actually heard it pop and great grandad was instantly normal again.

 

So there are many things that might be the problem......   first thing is to figure out what's going on.

 

Second the next time she starts in ask her in a very hurt voice if there is anything at all she likes about you and her interfacing with you and your kids.....     If she can't think of a single thing then ask her why she bothers calling you....   tell her that no one wants to hear nothing but negative things all the time....

 

In the end tell her that you are not going to expose your kids that that kind of nonsense for you don't want your kids to hate anyone in their family and that is what that kind of thing "always" creates.

 

Put the problem on her shoulders and let her know that it hurts you deeply for her to be that way......    if nothing works then just let her go her way and stop taking her calls.   If that doesn't work nothing will, but she will have made her own bed and it's her responsibility.

[Willa]

My father in law had no respect for my husband till he stood up to him--very calmly saying this is what he believes and he didn't want our kids to do what his dad had suggested. After his dad died he had more of a problem keeping a respectful relationship with his mom who had always rejected him. They always had to earn their parents' love and there was no forgiveness. Both were very manipulative.

I finally concluded that they did the best that they knew how to do as heathen. They never knew genuine love and forgiveness and could not receive it for themselves, so they could not give it to others. I can't say that I miss watching my husband and kids suffer from their rejection now that they have both passed away. I always remember Jesus praying, Father, forgive them, they know no what they do.

I always wonder how well people who are abusive really know the Lord, when they obviously lack His love.

[Guest]

Thanks for both your responses.

Sevenseas: I get what you are saying. I do cut off conversations the way you described and have offered many times to help set up and even pay for counselling, rehab and the like. Which makes her angrier. Its come to the point where I have nothing left to offer but my forgiveness each and every time she does us wrong...

Maybe my question should be... how do we honour abusive parents from a distance? I forgive continually. I dont gossip about her, I call her on her birthday and mothers day. But is that enough?

I know one must honour their parents no matter what, I also relate to what Bopeep has said in that I dont think its God's will to put up with ongoing abuse...

Im guessing the answer is to keep praying, and forgive when new stuff happens on the rare occasion that we do see her...

 

I'll add this to what other one said:

 

You do not have to expose yourself or your family memebers to all the negative and therefore toxic words or behavior that the abusive parent or other family member dishes out. I won't go into detail about my older sister's issues, but there is a time when all we can do is love from a distance. Its never easy or pleasant.

 

The abuse/behavior issues are their responsibility - not yours. Does it feel good when forced to cut all ties? No - but there are times when there is no other choice. Its been over 10 years since I stopped tolerating my sister's rants on the phone. She'll call up and will start before too long, so I tell her I'm not going to put up with all the gossip, etc. and if she doesn't stop I'll hang up. Then when she flies off the handle: <klick> as the call ends. Its not easy, but it really is that simple. Does it work? Yes. After all these years we can actually have a conversation for a few minutes - because she knows I won't tolerate the negativity. She crosses the line and I'll hang up. Every time.

[Sevenseas]

Thanks for both your responses.

Sevenseas: I get what you are saying. I do cut off conversations the way you described and have offered many times to help set up and even pay for counselling, rehab and the like. Which makes her angrier. Its come to the point where I have nothing left to offer but my forgiveness each and every time she does us wrong...

Maybe my question should be... how do we honour abusive parents from a distance? I forgive continually. I dont gossip about her, I call her on her birthday and mothers day. But is that enough?

I know one must honour their parents no matter what, I also relate to what Bopeep has said in that I dont think its God's will to put up with ongoing abuse...

Im guessing the answer is to keep praying, and forgive when new stuff happens on the rare occasion that we do see her...

 

 

I understand.  I had to really work through all the effects of the manipulation and misrepresentation of God and even other people as filtered through someone that appeared godly on

the surface but who undercut anyone who didn't go along with whatever plan God had 'revealed' to her at any given time.

 

Well you can't really honor, respect and obey someone who makes you feel like yesterday's bad news, who had no respect for you and basically wants their hand up your spine to run

your life.  sound harsh?  Well it's just the reality.

 

Unless you have lived it, I don't think you actually quite 'get' it.

 

You are the one that will have to make the boundaries and decide what you will and what you will not allow.  Sounds like you have already done some of that, but you are actually dealing

with your own feelings regarding the realtionship...or lack thereof.

 

Would that be correct?  I'm asking because, after reading your response, I think you are really asking about yourself.   Sounds like you understand the dynamics and how to handle it...but

I totally understand that you are affected...I still am...and have to deal on an almost daily basis...and why?  Because she is my mother...because if she was not, I would just handle the entire

thing as scripture says and walk.

 

However, I don't think that is an option.    In the entire struggle, I spread it out in prayer before God and He has opened my eyes to alot things.  We are not responsible for how others are

only how we react to them.  It is normal to feel anger, disappointment, resentment and other conflicting emotions.  After all, this person is your parent and is supposed to love and protect you.

 

I have given up on ever feeling loved by my mother but I better understand why I never actually did feel loved by her.  On the other hand, I know my dad loved me.

 

So, in the end we are left with dealing with ourselves and the fallout of another person's sin.  Sounds like that is what you may be wrestling with?

 

I'll also add that mulitple people have tried to show this woman the errors in her doctrine and how she has sinned against others with her gossip, lies and hateful tactics but she

has never ever taken responsibility for her actions.  It is always the other person.  In all of it, we just want to be loved like little children.  When you just cannot do anymore...when

everyone has tried to help.....when you know you have done your best....what is left?

 

The only thing, just turn it all over to God.  I had the hardest time believing God loved me.  It was like He loved everyone BUT me...all because I did not really 'feel' loved by someone

was supposed to love me for myself.

 

And that, I think, is the key to the whole thing.  We want to be loved for ourself...even when we sin or mess up big time.....but we are all broken.  Your mother is broken....my mother is 

broken.  We can benefit from knowing by changing the way we ourselves interact and the way that we love.  Forgiveness is all we have to offer that actually comes from inside of us

because we cannot change another person and we cannot continually offer ourself up for them to walk all over.

 

So you can only love the person who needs forgiveness by forgiving them.