Advice needed

[Renzoooo]

Hi, I just wanted to ask about the way forward. I'm in a great relationship with my girlfriend for 14 months, but recently I saw my ex by chance and she is self harming and has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and had attempted suicide. She was also sexually abused as a child and raped at the age of 19. She is seeing a psychologist as well. She confided in me about why things spiralled. (Was in a relationship with a narcissist and ended up feeling worthless)So how, if at all, should I be there for her? And should I make a passive or active effort?

[Guest 1sheep]

7 minutes ago, Renzoooo said:

Hi, I just wanted to ask about the way forward. I'm in a great relationship with my girlfriend for 14 months, but recently I saw my ex by chance and she is self harming and has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and had attempted suicide. She was also sexually abused as a child and raped at the age of 19. She is seeing a psychologist as well. She confided in me about why things spiralled. (Was in a relationship with a narcissist and ended up feeling worthless)So how, if at all, should I be there for her? And should I make a passive or active effort?

Talk with your gf and ask if she will join you in your support. Only if she is willing to accompany you should you go ahead. Otherwise, the ex will most certainly get the wrong ideas especially in her vulnerable state. Dont assume she wont. 

Your gf is your other half so to speak. You dont want to jeopardize your relationship with her do you?  Together you two together can support this gal . But even then, proceed with caution. 

Are you a christian? Is the ex? 

I ask because she needs professional help mainly but you can provide praying with her  , bible studies and fellowship with her to uplift her and strengthen her in Christ. 

Another idea is confide with christian ministries about your ex needing comfort. 

Most of all, proceed in prayer. Let God direct your paths. Pray for guidance.

 

[Faithbuilders]

This is one of those times you need to ask God for wisdom; there are to many unknown variables to give appropriate advice - other than to pray for her. If she is a Christian, give her the Word, because it is only the truth that can set her free; if she is not a Christian, lead her to Jesus!

[Renzoooo]

I'd already spoken to my current girlfriend about the situation, and she is fine with it.

 

And yes, I am a Christian as well as my ex and my current girlfriend, but my ex is obviously going through a rough patch. 

I just wasnt sure if I would  the the best person to attempt to help her given that we had dated and she might end up relying on me for emotional support.

 

 

[wingnut-]

Your ex girlfriend needs professional help, and even if you are a licensed counselor this is not a patient you should accept because of your history.  Best for you to stay out of this, or you will find yourself with two ex girlfriends.  The furthest you should extend help, is to point her to someone who can help.

God bless

[other one]

For what it's worth I agree with wingnut in that she really needs professional help.   If the Holy Spirit leads you to, you might be a sounding board for someone to talk to, but it would be very easy in her vulnerably condition to reattach herself to you and if it isn't possible for  a relationship to grow into something, you might accidentally push her over the edge....    She needs a friend to talk things out with, but unless you want to chance ruining your relation with your present GF you should let someone else be that sounding board for her.....   ultimately she has to work things out for herself.   If she can trust her doctor that would be the best way, but if she can't put her trust in him she needs someone.....   but not someone to build a girl/boy relationship with but someone more like a brother who can just listen and make suggestions....  if you could fill that in her life you probably could help her, but your GF might not agree with you doing that....   it could actually be better if your Girl Friend could fill that need in your Ex's life.     That would be the best for all three of you.

If your Ex is not a Christian it is even more difficult....

Also if you do get involved and she goes over the edge and kills herself, it could do serious harm to you yourself....   so approach the situation only after a lot of prayer and let the Holy Spirit lead you.....

[dr3032]

In my mind, things like what she's dealing with spring from a form of hopelessness, and of clinging onto the negativity of the past, whether it be on her hands or on the hands of others. 

I don't think she needs a brother so much as she needs a family. I would take her to church and allow both yourselves and the congregation be her healing. It might help also to advise her to leave the past where it falls. It's done and over with. It we keep looking over our shoulders at what was before, we'll just end up tripping over our own feet, but if we keep our eyes forward, we can pick ourselves up and not have to worry about falling nearly as much.

[GodPrincess]

Hi, thanks for sharing. Compassion is one of God's many virtues. However, so is loyalty. Sorry to hear about your ex's hardships, but you've also moved on to a better partner and relationship. Acknowledge your compassion for your ex, maybe offer sound advice. From there, move forward and appreciate your new girlfriend 

[Tzephanyahu]

On 11/13/2018 at 6:16 PM, Renzoooo said:

Hi, I just wanted to ask about the way forward. I'm in a great relationship with my girlfriend for 14 months, but recently I saw my ex by chance and she is self harming and has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and had attempted suicide. She was also sexually abused as a child and raped at the age of 19. She is seeing a psychologist as well. She confided in me about why things spiralled. (Was in a relationship with a narcissist and ended up feeling worthless)So how, if at all, should I be there for her? And should I make a passive or active effort?

Shalom Renzo,

I have experience first hand with borderline personality disorder (as much as I dislike using the term).

The critical issue for them is fear of abandonment. Now, they might become bold, strong and even cold whilst defending their weakness and can almost form a brick wall around themselves. 

The best way to support them is going to be tough but totally worth it.

You’ll need to be strong and sturdy  - giving them now way to doubt (or even possibly doubt) that you are there for them.  They may start to push certain buttons to see if they can hurry up the “inevitable” eventuality of you abandoning them, but stay strong.

The other part, is staying loving. As inexplicable as their behaviour can be at times, and even hurtful, show nothing but love. Try, at all costs, to avoid entering into a confrontation, debate or fight. It’s not that they are always right, but the argument has the potential to quickly escalate and sour. This is because principals are majorly important to them, despite how poorly they communicate them and they are regularly expecting you to “see something in them” that will cause you to leave them.

The Messiah’s teachings are very appropriate in such a scenario. Turn the other cheek, stay loving, repay any unkindness with kindness.

It’s not all a struggle and bad though as when they are more stable, they can be the most caring and loving people who could ever have the opportunity to meet in your life.

One final thing. Forgive me for using terms like "they" and "them". It's just easier to write that way! 

Love & Shalom