What qualities should I look for in a person when dating?

[SoDoSoPa]

I got in contact with a girl online a bit over two weeks ago. Since first writing to her, we have been chatting daily and talked over the phone a few times. We will soon meet for the first time.

We are both Christian and we both like each other thus far. She has been very nice, funny and enjoyable to talk to over the phone. I really wish that we continue to like each other when we meet and I hope that we become partners sometime in the future.

However, to be honest, from a worldly perspective, she is not great. She has a history of mental ill-health, is diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, didn't finish high school, has never had a job, etc.

On the other hand, she has a great personality, is very honest and cares a lot about finding a partner who's Christian. She currently has no Christian family members or friends, so it's a real blessing from God that she found Christ.

But I'm not sure what qualities to look for in a future partner. Is it enough that she's a confessing Christian and that we are attracted to each other? I really believe that we can be bless each other's lives, even if she hasn't been successful from a worldly perspective.

Edited August 3, 2019 by SoDoSoPa

[ReneeIW]

Sounds like she's  had some challenges and has been honest about it. No one is perfect. Being a "professing Christian" is a good start but you won't know if that is enough until you meet and spend more time together. 

[AnOrangeCat]

Spending time in person will help. I realize this can be difficult, but regard what's said online with a grain of salt and bear in mind that the element of attraction is both going to blind and/or numb you to her flaws and make you both present your better selves, sometimes to an unrealistic and unsustainable degree in the long term. In this particular situation it might not be a bad idea to put her Christianity under a lens. Does she have a Bible? Does she attend church? What sort of websites does she visit? If she doesn't presently attend church and you're within driving distance of each other would she be willing to attend church with you? These things can be telling. While I wouldn't go so far as to say someone isn't a Christian if unfavorable answers turn up to those questions they can definitely signal a need to proceed with caution.

Outside of the spiritual elements of this, what kind of social circle does she have? If she has a good relationship with her friends and family then it suggests she's got enough of a handle on her issues to present a reasonable persona to the outside world. What are her mental illnesses and is she taking any meds? IMO psych meds, while sometimes legit, can also be very dangerous and damaging. Finally, try to spend some time around both her and her friends sometime and see what sort of activities and potential problem behaviors they have. I'd also personally be wary if most of her friends are guys. It's entirely too common for people not rooted in Christianity to maintain a network of "friends" for sexual purposes. I've seen waaay too much of that in my family. They'll be perfectly sweet around someone and have them stay over night, sometimes get a little money or other material things from them, then when the person goes home they'll pull the same on someone else without batting an eye. It's horrifying and revolting to me, but that's the way people of the world can be.

 

[BeauJangles]

Please be very careful about potential future prospects in a serious relationship with persons you've met online. Please. These things have more than often ended in tragedy, due to the sense they enter in so commonly as an illusion of fantasy. I'm very serious about this. Take plenty of time getting to know the real person, and do not be anxious to become overly attached.

Sounds like this girl has some issues, with more indications of emotional problems. Tread lightly. When meeting someone, we as people always put on our best of personal charms. Be not deceived in getting too involved right away. Sorry I can't be more positive for you, but I'm getting a lot of red flags concerning this. Internet romances are not the 'real world' as we know it. 

Edited August 3, 2019 by BeauJangles

[Worship Warriors]

does she love Jesus with the same intensity as you do ? if not, then you will be unequally yoked.

Then you should also seek  the Holy Spirit : His inner peace in your heart about this relationship  and advice from a multitude of worthy counselors.

Since marriage is such a long term commitment , you should not proceeds if there are red lights along the way.

 

https://worshipwarriorsministry.com.au/

 

[BeauJangles]

What qualities should I look for in a person when dating? 

Let's all try to bear in mind the indication of the title, and not jump the gun on a marital aspect right away. 

It seems as though this young man is looking for advice. Still it's a concern to me about internet relationships in the first place. And I'm not in favor of them, generally speaking. 

[SoDoSoPa]

5 hours ago, ReneeIW said:

Sounds like she's  had some challenges and has been honest about it. No one is perfect. Being a "professing Christian" is a good start but you won't know if that is enough until you meet and spend more time together. 

Yeah, we will meet in a couple of days. We live quite far apart, 4 hours by train, which is why we haven't met earlier.

5 hours ago, AnOrangeCat said:

Spending time in person will help. I realize this can be difficult, but regard what's said online with a grain of salt and bear in mind that the element of attraction is both going to blind and/or numb you to her flaws and make you both present your better selves, sometimes to an unrealistic and unsustainable degree in the long term. In this particular situation it might not be a bad idea to put her Christianity under a lens. Does she have a Bible? Does she attend church? What sort of websites does she visit? If she doesn't presently attend church and you're within driving distance of each other would she be willing to attend church with you? These things can be telling. While I wouldn't go so far as to say someone isn't a Christian if unfavorable answers turn up to those questions they can definitely signal a need to proceed with caution.

Outside of the spiritual elements of this, what kind of social circle does she have? If she has a good relationship with her friends and family then it suggests she's got enough of a handle on her issues to present a reasonable persona to the outside world. What are her mental illnesses and is she taking any meds? IMO psych meds, while sometimes legit, can also be very dangerous and damaging. Finally, try to spend some time around both her and her friends sometime and see what sort of activities and potential problem behaviors they have. I'd also personally be wary if most of her friends are guys. It's entirely too common for people not rooted in Christianity to maintain a network of "friends" for sexual purposes. I've seen waaay too much of that in my family. They'll be perfectly sweet around someone and have them stay over night, sometimes get a little money or other material things from them, then when the person goes home they'll pull the same on someone else without batting an eye. It's horrifying and revolting to me, but that's the way people of the world can be.

 

Thank you very much for your answer. Those are all very good suggestions and questions that I will ask her and investigate.

She seems sincere and attends church, but not every Sunday it seems. The church she goes to has very few people of her own age, she has told me, and she has told me that she has no Christian friends. So I can totally understand that it isn't particular fun to live out your faith in that way. I have been forced by my mother to go to churches for many years where there have not been any other children in my own age, so I know the feeling and that it isn't something you tend to look forward to.

Overall, she has almost no friends. She seems to primarily hang out with one other girl, who is her best friend, and with her siblings and their children. So no guy friends it seems like.

I haven't asked her too much about her mental illnesses and I don't know if she's taking any meds. I think I want to meet her first, before I ask her too many personal questions about her history. Apparently she has old cutting marks on her arms from many years ago, but I feel like it's a sensitive subject that I haven't wanted to ask her about yet. I mean, I'm not sure if I had been in her situation if I would have been comfortable to reveal such details to a person I haven't met yet.

4 hours ago, BeauJangles said:

Please be very careful about potential future prospects in a serious relationship with persons you've met online. Please. These things have more than often ended in tragedy, due to the sense they enter in so commonly as an illusion of fantasy. I'm very serious about this. Take plenty of time getting to know the real person, and do not be anxious to become overly attached.

Sounds like this girl has some issues, with more indications of emotional problems. Tread lightly. When meeting someone, we as people always put on our best of personal charms. Be not deceived in getting too involved right away. Sorry I can't be more positive for you, but I'm getting a lot of red flags concerning this. Internet romances are not the 'real world' as we know it. 

Thank you very much for your concerns.

However, no offence, but you seem to be a bit older than me, and I believe times might have changed since you were dating. It is not strange today for people to get in contact with one another online. For instance, two of my siblings met their partners that way. Also, regardless in what way I first get in contact with a girl, she will try to present her best side when we meet.

Furthermore, it is not like I haven't tried to meet girls in the "real world" too. I'm trying both avenues. But living in Sweden, i.e. one of the most secular countries in the world, the churches aren't exactly overflowing with people of the same age. Where I live, you might find 15 senior citizens in a typical church on a Sunday. I travel an hour to get to a larger city where there are churches with people of the same age as I.

Sure, ideally I would also like to meet a partner through the church I attend, but I'm afraid I might not have that luxury. I have a few Christian friends who are about 10 years older than I who are still single, and I would like to avoid ending up like them.

3 hours ago, Worship Warriors said:

does she love Jesus with the same intensity as you do ? if not, then you will be unequally yoked.

Then you should also seek  the Holy Spirit : His inner peace in your heart about this relationship  and advice from a multitude of worthy counselors.

Since marriage is such a long term commitment , you should not proceeds if there are red lights along the way.

 

https://worshipwarriorsministry.com.au/

 

Yes, that's why I feel like we are compatible.

The thing is, my Christian upbringing is kinda unusual, so I have no childhood Christian friends, no church that I feel like I belong to, etc. That makes me feel almost like a heathen when I talk to many other Christians, who have been in youth groups; attended several summer camps, retreats, scouts, etc; done confirmation with others; studied in Bible school; been in praying and home groups; etc. I know that we aren't collecting Jesus points or anything similar. But I cannot help but feel inferior to most other Christians when I have almost no Christian community experience in comparison.

When talking to this girl, I feel like we are more or less on the same level when it comes to our relationship with God and experience with church activities.

Is it being "equally yoked" that is the most important factor when looking for a partner?

Edited August 3, 2019 by SoDoSoPa

[AnOrangeCat]

1 hour ago, SoDoSoPa said:

The thing is, my Christian upbringing is kinda unusual, so I have no childhood Christian friends, no church that I feel like I belong to, etc. That makes me feel almost like a heathen when I talk to many other Christians, who have been in youth groups; attended several summer camps, retreats, scouts, etc; done confirmation with others; studied in Bible school; been in praying and home groups; etc. I know that we aren't collecting Jesus points or anything similar. But I cannot help but feel inferior to most other Christians when I have almost no Christian community experience in comparison.

When talking to this girl, I feel like we are more or less on the same level when it comes to our relationship with God and experience with church activities.

Is it being "equally yoked" that is the most important factor when looking for a partner? 

I can certainly relate. I felt isolated in the community sense despite being raised in a Christian home and often going to church. I would say that God's will is the most important factor. A shared faith is important and prevents a lot of conflict, but that alone doesn't mean two people will be a good match for each other. Whether or not a given pairing is God's will often takes much time and prayer to figure out, and it pays to have people whose guidance you can trust on your side. They can have a perspective that is clearer than our own in these things. At one time I did date someone I was unequally yoked with. At the time I certainly felt like it was God's will, but it wasn't. It ended in a needlessly cruel way that seemed to come out of nowhere. That particular relationship is one of my great regrets in life. Anyway yes, do take it slow. Often times actions speak louder and more truly than words. If she's making some effort to attend church at all it's a plus. If the two of you end up going very far please make it a point to make Christ the foundation of the relationship. In that respect it sounds like you could be off to a good start since it seems you're both looking for fellow Christians to associate with.

[Who me]

12 hours ago, SoDoSoPa said:

I got in contact with a girl online a bit over two weeks ago. Since first writing to her, we have been chatting daily and talked over the phone a few times. We will soon meet for the first time.

We are both Christian and we both like each other thus far. She has been very nice, funny and enjoyable to talk to over the phone. I really wish that we continue to like each other when we meet and I hope that we become partners sometime in the future.

However, to be honest, from a worldly perspective, she is not great. She has a history of mental ill-health, is diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, didn't finish high school, has never had a job, etc.

On the other hand, she has a great personality, is very honest and cares a lot about finding a partner who's Christian. She currently has no Christian family members or friends, so it's a real blessing from God that she found Christ.

But I'm not sure what qualities to look for in a future partner. Is it enough that she's a confessing Christian and that we are attracted to each other? I really believe that we can be bless each other's lives, even if she hasn't been successful from a worldly perspective.

May I strongly suggest that you take this relationship very slowly.

This girl is not working, so cannot cope with the problems of meeting and working with other people.

This might be a harsh judgement. But how will this girl cope with the stresses of marriage, pregnancy, school runs. The gaggle of mums meeting at the school gate, deal with childhood illnesses etc etc etc.

You can help her by encouraging her to get a job. Any job, waitressing in a cafe or dinner, or stacking shelves in a supermarket.

 

Your friendship will help her develop social skills and confidence, but don't let an over reliance on you develop.

If you decide you are not marrying her and she has developed an over reliance then she will be hurt.

[Willa]

 

women look for a best friend for marriage, and she won't settle for cohabiting if she is a genuine christian.  As for mental illness etc. it depends on what type and if it is easily controlled by meds.  Aspergers  I wouldn't worry much.   Having worked with that and the spectrum, they are too loose in the diagnosis.