Advice vs. Validation

[Sower]

3 hours ago, Neighbor said:

Hi, Perhaps I can help you with that-   

 

On the flip side there is this tune: 

I had a friend that when he was greeted with what is a casual inquiry, that of  the " How ya doing?" greeting, he would say "Better than I deserve." He had a face and personality that went well with that respnse. I tried it, but it just didn't play well for my own use.

I say that quite often, actually, thinking about the awesome blessings I, and our family, have received in the years of life God has granted me. Knowing me like I know me, I have a great wonder of why. I am blessed beyond measure, a child of the most high, my kids, my grand kids, all forgiven, and do not comprehend God's mind, His mercy. The tragedies I witness that my friends and families endure, and consider,  my trials so small. Though not without trials, I consider, and believe, looking the world over these many years,  I am the richest man I know. So much    "Better than I deserve"

 

[Sower]

On 12/15/2022 at 12:16 PM, AlsoBroken said:

(Now I’ll hopefully see who here will “get” what I’m saying, and/or who will advise me!!! 🤪) 

                  I hurt for you, Broken.

"Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep"
 

[AlsoBroken]

On 12/17/2022 at 9:23 AM, com7fy8 said:

So, I see how some cases of feelings are not matters of validation "vs" advice, but "neither" is the answer.

Bill, thank you for bringing this point up. I have been realizing (actually for awhile now) that I need to lower my expectations when it comes how others treat me or respond to something I say.
 I have recognized in myself that my need to be heard, acknowledged and validated comes from a deep place of wounds, from when as a child I was shamed or simply ignored when expressing my feelings, and it set in concrete somewhere in me as “I don’t matter.” 😪 Thinking about that still brings up tears. So often, when someone interrupts me, talks right over me, or replies with something that reveals they obviously didn’t “get” anything I said, I instantly feel that old “I don’t matter” pain. And it’s not that I need to feel Important, I just want to matter!

The hard truth is that on a human level most of us only really matter to a handful of people, and in the Big Picture we are NOT important, except to GOD.

So knowing deep down that I MATTER to GOD, is the very Key to healing and restoration, and all of life, yes? 

 

[AnOrangeCat]

36 minutes ago, AlsoBroken said:

 I have recognized in myself that my need to be heard, acknowledged and validated comes from a deep place of wounds, from when as a child I was shamed or simply ignored when expressing my feelings, and it set in concrete somewhere in me as “I don’t matter.” 😪 Thinking about that still brings up tears. So often, when someone interrupts me, talks right over me, or replies with something that reveals they obviously didn’t “get” anything I said, I instantly feel that old “I don’t matter” pain. And it’s not that I need to feel Important, I just want to matter!

I can relate to this, and oddly it's a bit tied to the issue you brought up in the original post. Thing is it was my grandmother always presenting a given issue as a matter she was seeking advice on when she was actually looking for validation, and quite often her position needed refuting rather than validation. Imagine being a caregiver for someone with no license, a tendency to drive in the middle of the road at random and not realize she was doing anything wrong, and she wanted to drive from central Texas to Hawaii. Agree with her and she'll actually try to do it for hours before frustration and tantrums settle in. That was just one of many disconnects between how things were in reality vs how they were in her mind. It was endlessly frustrating and hearing my opinion get trashed very much fostered an "I don't matter" mentality in me, too. But it also fostered a reflex to give advice where it seems needed even if it's not something people necessarily want to hear.

[AlsoBroken]

Thank you for sharing that AnOrangeCat. It sounds like a very difficult place you had to be in with her. As an in-home Caregiver myself for many years, I know exactly the kind of dementia you were dealing with. 

[com7fy8]

On 12/21/2022 at 11:29 PM, AlsoBroken said:

Thank you for sharing that AnOrangeCat. It sounds like a very difficult place you had to be in with her. As an in-home Caregiver myself for many years, I know exactly the kind of dementia you were dealing with. 

Hi  I have taken care of a guy who could create chaos out of anything that the medical people tried to do for him. And whatever I did for him, he could turn it into a problem.

And I was waking up in the night and walking in circles, stewing and angry about that. But I knew God could get me into peace and make me clear what to do. And that worked: I advised a supervisor that I was not qualified to take care of him and he was not safe by himself; but I would do what I could, if they did not have the people and financing to watch him all the time. And then I did things in peace and did what I could.

Satanic people can make it seem like you are useless and don't matter. So, it is wise not to feed on how love-dead people treat us, and can make it look like what we say and do for them is incompetent and out of touch. 

Ones able to benefit from you will even help you to understand and help them.

But we can have our impossible times with Satanic people - - - and use such time to pray and get established with God in love . . . so then we are ready to be loving and creative with the ones we can bless while they also bless us.

But you do matter to even the impossible people. Because God is able to use your love and prayer and example to do His good to any wrong person, at all.

For example, we have how "without a word" Christian wives can help "any" disobedient husband.

Example works; God does use good example 

So, indeed we do not need to heed advice from empty-shell people who are just trying to help us quick-fix things. Plus also, we do not need validation of ongoing feelings and attitudes and hurts which never go away but keep making us beggars for attention and soothing words.

But be wise so we can tell when someone could be only going along with us, not helping us to get stronger in Jesus so we are on top of things.

Edited December 24, 2022 by com7fy8

[Wayne222]

I tend to want to give advice too. It's to be a help. I guess people might not want advice. It happens to all of us. People will give me advice in a situation. I am grateful even if I don't need it. It might be worthless but they mean well. They probably are going through things too.