The Christian life is hard

[Lilybloom]

I'm going to make an unorthodox suggestion: Get mad.

I know that feels unseemly, but hear me out. Consider Job. What is it exactly that got God to speak up and show himself? Job got angry. His friends gathered around and all offered suggestions as to why things are how they are for him; maybe you or one of your sons sinned, or maybe you haven't forgiven someone, or whatever else. But then Job knew that he had done nothing wrong, nothing to warrant his situation.

When we're born into this world, we're born into ignorance. When we die, we are also born into yet more ignorance; we know nothing conclusively about Heaven nor Hell. I feel that this is what someone who comes into the faith can experience; being born into ignorance. I wasn't born Christian either, I converted around 7 months ago now. I think i'm probably still in my kid stage, in that sense. You? You might be in a teenage phase. You know teenagers too, they act up and are trying to understand what they think they already do. Is not anger also a form of focus? 

I'm not saying to spit on God's name and snort 100kilos of cocaine, rob the gas station and whoops, "accidentally" shoot one of the customers there. But that it's okay to feel the way that you feel; whatever you're feeling right now is a growing process and you'll likely learn from it. I'm sorry that you have to feel it right now, and i'm also sorry that I don't have any advice better than this. I know only that God loves you. Did you ever get mad at your earthly father? If he is a loving and good man, he likely took it in stride and consoled you. God is not some weak, fragile glass baby. I'm certain that he does and will understand.

[christsavedme]

On 2/11/2024 at 10:39 AM, Thewhitedove said:

And I don't even have it hard!

I believe that I am saved because I believe that Jesus died for my sins and that he is Lord. I believe the Bible is true, but my heart had barely changed. I am still the same bitter, resentful, unforgiving, anxious person as before. My heart is hard.

God has blessed me with an amazing life, great husband (unsaved but doesn't make things hard for me), 3 beautiful children, a great job,good health, talents. I have it all, but I've no peace. I've no joy. My life as a Christian feels cold and empty. I don't have a church which doesn't help, but I'm working on that.

So cognitively,intellectually, I know that Jesus is the only waY, but there is no emotion attached to it. It feels almost like a ball and chain around my neck; I know the truth and can't unknow it so Im stuck with it. That's how it feels. Everything feels like a cliché.

'It's not about emotions'. OK, maybe but why do we have them, and it feels like a dry, depressing experience to chug along like a robot. This has been my default lately. 

'You need to give thanks and worship'. OK, but when I do, nothing genuine comes out. It leaves me even colder.

'Ask God to change your heart'. I've been doing that for years. I'm still hard inside.

'Repent' I have done, several times.

'Get deliverence' i have prayed so many prayers to close any demonic doors and on the outside, my life is squeaky clean. The inside is still decrepit.

'Talk to an elder'. I spoke to my old pastor who told me to just focus on Jesus. Jesus seems far away from me. 

'Spend more time in the Word'. I read a little every day and it's all I can stomach. 

To be honest, it all feels like something from Alice in Wonderland. One riddle after the other, one hoop to jump through after another. People keep saying how it's not works based, how Jesus did the work and that the Holy Spirit changes us.

He hasn't changed me much. All I do is wrestle and wrestle and wrestle with my inner being, all the time. I am EXHAUSTED.  I have been thinking about just walking away and living my life as I want. I desperately seek God's face and have been doing so since I got saved, and it's a constant radio silence. 

As I've said before, my earthly father is so loving and makes such an effort to tell me he loves me and show me he cares about me. He didn't just write me a book when I was born and go off and then tell me to look read it to get to know him, and then watch me on CCTV. And if I constantly cried out on the CCTV for him to get in touch in a way that felt real to me, that I could feel and understand, my biological father would do what I asked.

'Prayer isn't about getting what you want, it's about a relationship with God'. What relationship!!!!???? I feel.like I'm always getting scraps that just keep me going through each day and I have to try to talk myself into staying faithful.

I want to walk away. How can I spread the Gospel or share the good news when I feel so depleted. I've been a Christian for 5 years and am still on milk. Raising my kids Christian feels like a burden, not a privilege. I feel so ill equipped. 

I am SICK, SICK, SICK of all of the platitudes. Will someone just be honest with me and stop pulling out the 'trust God' tropes. I believe in Him, but I don't know Him. I keep asking and asking g to know Him and it all seems to be on me and I can't figure it out. I'm crying as I write this as I'm just so depleted. I'm sorry, but I need something supernatural from Him. 

 

Who are you, God? Who am I to you? Why won't you reach out to me, into my heart? Change me? I'm so empty. 

I can feel the weight of your frustration, the ache of your longing, and the exhaustion of your efforts. It takes immense courage to share your struggles so honestly.

I've worked with many individuals who, like you, have felt stuck in their faith journey. They've tried all the "right" things – praying, reading Scripture, attending church – yet still feel disconnected from God. It's as if they're going through the motions, but their heart remains unchanged.

Please know that you're not alone in this struggle. Many Christians, even those who appear to have it all together, wrestle with similar doubts and fears. It's okay to feel this way, and it doesn't mean you're failing or that God is absent.

One thing that stood out to me in your message is your desire for a genuine, supernatural experience of God's presence. You're not just looking for intellectual assent or behavioral modification; you're yearning for a heart transformation. That's a beautiful and biblical desire!

I want to suggest that perhaps the issue isn't that God is distant or unresponsive, but rather that we often misunderstand the nature of spiritual growth. We tend to focus on external behaviors or try to manufacture emotions, rather than cultivating a deep, inner relationship with God.

I've seen that true transformation often occurs in the context of relationships – with God and with others. It's in the midst of vulnerability, authenticity, and community that we begin to experience the kind of heart change you're longing for.

Remember, my friend, you're not alone, and you're not a failure. You're a beloved child of God, and He is always working, even when we can't see or feel it.
 

[JohnD]

Life is hard.

[hishandmaiden]

For me, it is not so much as the inward sins I struggle with, but the outward sins. I am a liar and a glutton and I break the copyright laws by downloading pirated stuffs. I am able to forgive easily and I have joy and peace, but it is the outward sins that I struggle with.

Please pray for me. I want to be a good testimony for Christ but with outward sins, it is hard to convince someone from my family to be a Christian.

[missmuffet]

On 2/11/2024 at 1:39 AM, Thewhitedove said:

And I don't even have it hard!

I believe that I am saved because I believe that Jesus died for my sins and that he is Lord. I believe the Bible is true, but my heart had barely changed. I am still the same bitter, resentful, unforgiving, anxious person as before. My heart is hard.

God has blessed me with an amazing life, great husband (unsaved but doesn't make things hard for me), 3 beautiful children, a great job,good health, talents. I have it all, but I've no peace. I've no joy. My life as a Christian feels cold and empty. I don't have a church which doesn't help, but I'm working on that.

So cognitively,intellectually, I know that Jesus is the only waY, but there is no emotion attached to it. It feels almost like a ball and chain around my neck; I know the truth and can't unknow it so Im stuck with it. That's how it feels. Everything feels like a cliché.

'It's not about emotions'. OK, maybe but why do we have them, and it feels like a dry, depressing experience to chug along like a robot. This has been my default lately. 

'You need to give thanks and worship'. OK, but when I do, nothing genuine comes out. It leaves me even colder.

'Ask God to change your heart'. I've been doing that for years. I'm still hard inside.

'Repent' I have done, several times.

'Get deliverence' i have prayed so many prayers to close any demonic doors and on the outside, my life is squeaky clean. The inside is still decrepit.

'Talk to an elder'. I spoke to my old pastor who told me to just focus on Jesus. Jesus seems far away from me. 

'Spend more time in the Word'. I read a little every day and it's all I can stomach. 

To be honest, it all feels like something from Alice in Wonderland. One riddle after the other, one hoop to jump through after another. People keep saying how it's not works based, how Jesus did the work and that the Holy Spirit changes us.

He hasn't changed me much. All I do is wrestle and wrestle and wrestle with my inner being, all the time. I am EXHAUSTED.  I have been thinking about just walking away and living my life as I want. I desperately seek God's face and have been doing so since I got saved, and it's a constant radio silence. 

As I've said before, my earthly father is so loving and makes such an effort to tell me he loves me and show me he cares about me. He didn't just write me a book when I was born and go off and then tell me to look read it to get to know him, and then watch me on CCTV. And if I constantly cried out on the CCTV for him to get in touch in a way that felt real to me, that I could feel and understand, my biological father would do what I asked.

'Prayer isn't about getting what you want, it's about a relationship with God'. What relationship!!!!???? I feel.like I'm always getting scraps that just keep me going through each day and I have to try to talk myself into staying faithful.

I want to walk away. How can I spread the Gospel or share the good news when I feel so depleted. I've been a Christian for 5 years and am still on milk. Raising my kids Christian feels like a burden, not a privilege. I feel so ill equipped. 

I am SICK, SICK, SICK of all of the platitudes. Will someone just be honest with me and stop pulling out the 'trust God' tropes. I believe in Him, but I don't know Him. I keep asking and asking g to know Him and it all seems to be on me and I can't figure it out. I'm crying as I write this as I'm just so depleted. I'm sorry, but I need something supernatural from Him. 

 

Who are you, God? Who am I to you? Why won't you reach out to me, into my heart? Change me? I'm so empty. 

Then you are not a born again Christian and will not get to heaven. If it is important for you to have an eternity in heaven and not in hell you should seriously know what you need to do to come to Jesus Christ.

The only prayer God answers from the unbeliever is a prayer of repentance. You can't fool God He knows your heart.

[Indentured Servant]

On 2/11/2024 at 4:39 AM, Thewhitedove said:

And I don't even have it hard!

I believe that I am saved because I believe that Jesus died for my sins and that he is Lord. I believe the Bible is true, but my heart had barely changed. I am still the same bitter, resentful, unforgiving, anxious person as before. My heart is hard.

God has blessed me with an amazing life, great husband (unsaved but doesn't make things hard for me), 3 beautiful children, a great job,good health, talents. I have it all, but I've no peace. I've no joy. My life as a Christian feels cold and empty. I don't have a church which doesn't help, but I'm working on that.

So cognitively,intellectually, I know that Jesus is the only waY, but there is no emotion attached to it. It feels almost like a ball and chain around my neck; I know the truth and can't unknow it so Im stuck with it. That's how it feels. Everything feels like a cliché.

'It's not about emotions'. OK, maybe but why do we have them, and it feels like a dry, depressing experience to chug along like a robot. This has been my default lately. 

'You need to give thanks and worship'. OK, but when I do, nothing genuine comes out. It leaves me even colder.

'Ask God to change your heart'. I've been doing that for years. I'm still hard inside.

'Repent' I have done, several times.

'Get deliverence' i have prayed so many prayers to close any demonic doors and on the outside, my life is squeaky clean. The inside is still decrepit.

'Talk to an elder'. I spoke to my old pastor who told me to just focus on Jesus. Jesus seems far away from me. 

'Spend more time in the Word'. I read a little every day and it's all I can stomach. 

To be honest, it all feels like something from Alice in Wonderland. One riddle after the other, one hoop to jump through after another. People keep saying how it's not works based, how Jesus did the work and that the Holy Spirit changes us.

He hasn't changed me much. All I do is wrestle and wrestle and wrestle with my inner being, all the time. I am EXHAUSTED.  I have been thinking about just walking away and living my life as I want. I desperately seek God's face and have been doing so since I got saved, and it's a constant radio silence. 

As I've said before, my earthly father is so loving and makes such an effort to tell me he loves me and show me he cares about me. He didn't just write me a book when I was born and go off and then tell me to look read it to get to know him, and then watch me on CCTV. And if I constantly cried out on the CCTV for him to get in touch in a way that felt real to me, that I could feel and understand, my biological father would do what I asked.

'Prayer isn't about getting what you want, it's about a relationship with God'. What relationship!!!!???? I feel.like I'm always getting scraps that just keep me going through each day and I have to try to talk myself into staying faithful.

I want to walk away. How can I spread the Gospel or share the good news when I feel so depleted. I've been a Christian for 5 years and am still on milk. Raising my kids Christian feels like a burden, not a privilege. I feel so ill equipped. 

I am SICK, SICK, SICK of all of the platitudes. Will someone just be honest with me and stop pulling out the 'trust God' tropes. I believe in Him, but I don't know Him. I keep asking and asking g to know Him and it all seems to be on me and I can't figure it out. I'm crying as I write this as I'm just so depleted. I'm sorry, but I need something supernatural from Him. 

 

Who are you, God? Who am I to you? Why won't you reach out to me, into my heart? Change me? I'm so empty. 

Many of us live, in your words, a "depleted" life. I certainly do.

I've lost my family, (wife, kids, in-laws), siblings, jobs, money, friends, respect from my community, and my home. 

If I look at the losses, the struggles, and the emptiness, I do not feel that God is near... The truth is, He is closer than if I weren't struggling... During these times, I must remember that He is with me, offering me His strength, endurance, patience, and peace.

I am in a ministry that focuses primarily on two specific quotes from Jesus:

1: "my burden is light, my yoke is easy;" and, 

2: "Love God," and "Love your neighbor."

 

[Marilyn C]

On 2/11/2024 at 8:39 PM, Thewhitedove said:

And I don't even have it hard!

I believe that I am saved because I believe that Jesus died for my sins and that he is Lord. I believe the Bible is true, but my heart had barely changed. I am still the same bitter, resentful, unforgiving, anxious person as before. My heart is hard.

God has blessed me with an amazing life, great husband (unsaved but doesn't make things hard for me), 3 beautiful children, a great job,good health, talents. I have it all, but I've no peace. I've no joy. My life as a Christian feels cold and empty. I don't have a church which doesn't help, but I'm working on that.

So cognitively,intellectually, I know that Jesus is the only waY, but there is no emotion attached to it. It feels almost like a ball and chain around my neck; I know the truth and can't unknow it so Im stuck with it. That's how it feels. Everything feels like a cliché.

'It's not about emotions'. OK, maybe but why do we have them, and it feels like a dry, depressing experience to chug along like a robot. This has been my default lately. 

'You need to give thanks and worship'. OK, but when I do, nothing genuine comes out. It leaves me even colder.

'Ask God to change your heart'. I've been doing that for years. I'm still hard inside.

'Repent' I have done, several times.

'Get deliverence' i have prayed so many prayers to close any demonic doors and on the outside, my life is squeaky clean. The inside is still decrepit.

'Talk to an elder'. I spoke to my old pastor who told me to just focus on Jesus. Jesus seems far away from me. 

'Spend more time in the Word'. I read a little every day and it's all I can stomach. 

To be honest, it all feels like something from Alice in Wonderland. One riddle after the other, one hoop to jump through after another. People keep saying how it's not works based, how Jesus did the work and that the Holy Spirit changes us.

He hasn't changed me much. All I do is wrestle and wrestle and wrestle with my inner being, all the time. I am EXHAUSTED.  I have been thinking about just walking away and living my life as I want. I desperately seek God's face and have been doing so since I got saved, and it's a constant radio silence. 

As I've said before, my earthly father is so loving and makes such an effort to tell me he loves me and show me he cares about me. He didn't just write me a book when I was born and go off and then tell me to look read it to get to know him, and then watch me on CCTV. And if I constantly cried out on the CCTV for him to get in touch in a way that felt real to me, that I could feel and understand, my biological father would do what I asked.

'Prayer isn't about getting what you want, it's about a relationship with God'. What relationship!!!!???? I feel.like I'm always getting scraps that just keep me going through each day and I have to try to talk myself into staying faithful.

I want to walk away. How can I spread the Gospel or share the good news when I feel so depleted. I've been a Christian for 5 years and am still on milk. Raising my kids Christian feels like a burden, not a privilege. I feel so ill equipped. 

I am SICK, SICK, SICK of all of the platitudes. Will someone just be honest with me and stop pulling out the 'trust God' tropes. I believe in Him, but I don't know Him. I keep asking and asking g to know Him and it all seems to be on me and I can't figure it out. I'm crying as I write this as I'm just so depleted. I'm sorry, but I need something supernatural from Him. 

 

Who are you, God? Who am I to you? Why won't you reach out to me, into my heart? Change me? I'm so empty. 

Hi Thewhitedove,

I hear your pain, frustration, anger, resentment. I also hear -

- no emotion, how it feels, I feel like I`m always getting scraps, I need something supernatural from Him. 

You did say -'It's not about emotions'. OK, maybe but why do we have them, and it feels like a dry, depressing experience to chug along like a robot.`

We have emotions to help us know about people and the world about us. Different things make some people glad, while other things make some people sad etc. All to do with choice and personality.

However, a believer`s life is NOT about emotions. A believer is someone who 

- believes that Jesus died for our sins so that we could have eternal life.

Not emotion, not supernatural experiences, just believing that Jesus died for our sins so that we could have eternal life. 

However, as you well know that life is NOT now. We live on a damaged planet with damaged people who are under the sway of the evil one. And we are constantly bombarded with lies from Satan. 

- I am not good enough.

- I am rejected.

- I only get the scraps.

- I am empty.

- etc etc

You well noted that nothing worked that others told you about. Well, they are telling lies too, but think that is what we must say. People put on a `face,` a Christian face,` and pretend and say all the platitudes. 

As I said before a believer is someone who 

- believes that Jesus died for our sins so that we could have eternal life.

Did you know that when Jesus was on the cross, tortured, in excruciating pain, with His face a mangled mess, that He endured it all? How, why? Jesus looked forward to the `joy set before Him` (Heb. 12: 2) so that He could bring many people to glory.

No emotion, no supernatural experiences. But a battle against the lies of the enemy, against other people`s wrong ideas, and our own nonsense in our minds.

So, what I mainly read from your outpouring was the lies of the enemy. Ideas that you should feel like this or that and have supernatural experiences.

Choose who you will believe -

Satan`s lies or believe that Jesus died for our sins so that we could have eternal life.

 

 

[kwikphilly]

On 2/11/2024 at 4:39 AM, Thewhitedove said:

And I don't even have it hard!

I believe that I am saved because I believe that Jesus died for my sins and that he is Lord. I believe the Bible is true, but my heart had barely changed. I am still the same bitter, resentful, unforgiving, anxious person as before. My heart is hard.

God has blessed me with an amazing life, great husband (unsaved but doesn't make things hard for me), 3 beautiful children, a great job,good health, talents. I have it all, but I've no peace. I've no joy. My life as a Christian feels cold and empty. I don't have a church which doesn't help, but I'm working on that.

So cognitively,intellectually, I know that Jesus is the only waY, but there is no emotion attached to it. It feels almost like a ball and chain around my neck; I know the truth and can't unknow it so Im stuck with it. That's how it feels. Everything feels like a cliché.

'It's not about emotions'. OK, maybe but why do we have them, and it feels like a dry, depressing experience to chug along like a robot. This has been my default lately. 

'You need to give thanks and worship'. OK, but when I do, nothing genuine comes out. It leaves me even colder.

'Ask God to change your heart'. I've been doing that for years. I'm still hard inside.

'Repent' I have done, several times.

'Get deliverence' i have prayed so many prayers to close any demonic doors and on the outside, my life is squeaky clean. The inside is still decrepit.

'Talk to an elder'. I spoke to my old pastor who told me to just focus on Jesus. Jesus seems far away from me. 

'Spend more time in the Word'. I read a little every day and it's all I can stomach. 

To be honest, it all feels like something from Alice in Wonderland. One riddle after the other, one hoop to jump through after another. People keep saying how it's not works based, how Jesus did the work and that the Holy Spirit changes us.

He hasn't changed me much. All I do is wrestle and wrestle and wrestle with my inner being, all the time. I am EXHAUSTED.  I have been thinking about just walking away and living my life as I want. I desperately seek God's face and have been doing so since I got saved, and it's a constant radio silence. 

As I've said before, my earthly father is so loving and makes such an effort to tell me he loves me and show me he cares about me. He didn't just write me a book when I was born and go off and then tell me to look read it to get to know him, and then watch me on CCTV. And if I constantly cried out on the CCTV for him to get in touch in a way that felt real to me, that I could feel and understand, my biological father would do what I asked.

'Prayer isn't about getting what you want, it's about a relationship with God'. What relationship!!!!???? I feel.like I'm always getting scraps that just keep me going through each day and I have to try to talk myself into staying faithful.

I want to walk away. How can I spread the Gospel or share the good news when I feel so depleted. I've been a Christian for 5 years and am still on milk. Raising my kids Christian feels like a burden, not a privilege. I feel so ill equipped. 

I am SICK, SICK, SICK of all of the platitudes. Will someone just be honest with me and stop pulling out the 'trust God' tropes. I believe in Him, but I don't know Him. I keep asking and asking g to know Him and it all seems to be on me and I can't figure it out. I'm crying as I write this as I'm just so depleted. I'm sorry, but I need something supernatural from Him. 

 

Who are you, God? Who am I to you? Why won't you reach out to me, into my heart? Change me? I'm so empty. 

@whitedove WOW,just WOW! I can't tell you how refreshing it is to me to hear such an outpouring of one's emotions- from the carnal mind of course,none the less sounds like a sincere repentant heart to me

I pray Holy Spirit Givd me the Words to Encourage you and lift you up,the only reason I write is because of the Love of Christ kn me.....I think it's safe to Say that God Has and is Answering your cries in a very SuperNatural Way only your missing it- probably becsuse of your own expectations or Hope that He Answers how we would probably ALL love to be Answered

God Will Reach down and Hug you,Hold you and Speak to you loudly and clearly through His Body- He is not tye Father that Has Written a Book and left it there for you to find,Our Redeemer Lives- He is the Living Word,not merely the Written Word

Do you know how many times in my life I've cried out to my Heavenly Father saying almost verbatim what you posted in your OP? I Can Assure you,many many times

I don't know you from Adam's house cat and yet my spirit is burning inside of me with the Desire to Embrace you and Tell you how deeply you are Loved- why would I care? PRAISE JESUS,thsts why!

 Beloved,I can't tell you how to pray ,how to or how much to read the Word or how to get anything from the Lord that you asked - I can only tell you it is not by trying or effort that you'll be a New Creature in Christ.... Im not going to tell you "Trust God" because you cannot try to Trust HIM-Trusting God Comes by Faith ,Believing what He Saud and WHO He is

When you finally do surrender your life,your will ,your heart and soul then the Transformation will begin to Manifest

I Believed since I could Remember and Bdlieved I was Saved because I Accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior and I still Believe I Receivdd Him,was & am His YET still continued on with the sins of the flesh

I'm nit even sure how to describe it but I Knew my Savior only I was reluctant to completely submit to His Lordship- I diligently studied His Word and went through all the motions except surrendering my will completely,oh yes Delivered yet the enemy still had a foothold that I could not " see"- the spirit of " pride"- always crying out to God what I desperately needed and wanted Him to do so that I could,etc etc.....see?That's not surrender

I was brought to my knees-and all those years of studying the Word in an Instant Holy Spirit brought every Word to my Remembrance because I surrendered and began to Live as thst New Creature- it was not by effort,it was submitting to His Will on His Terms without me being in His Way wanting my way

I do Hope this is Encouraging- I have no way of knowing if you were Born Again or not -but the only thing thst can hinder having a Relationship with God in Christ is you as it was me...the Mind must be Renewed and thst too is not by effort but by feeding your spirit regardless of how you feel and if that Good Seed has been planted on Good Soil then it will bear Good Fruit --- I will pray for you that you 'See" and " Hear " and Receivd what God Has for you unhindered by your own " self"

Please,continue to Seek Him with all your heart,mind & soul- the toughest,hardest and most rebellious of us go on to be warriors in this battlefield..... surround yourself with the Body of Christ,I do Believe our Lord is Speaking to you Intimately already

With love in Christ,Kwik

[Luther]

On 2/11/2024 at 4:39 AM, Thewhitedove said:

And I don't even have it hard!

I believe that I am saved because I believe that Jesus died for my sins and that he is Lord. I believe the Bible is true, but my heart had barely changed. I am still the same bitter, resentful, unforgiving, anxious person as before. My heart is hard.

God has blessed me with an amazing life, great husband (unsaved but doesn't make things hard for me), 3 beautiful children, a great job,good health, talents. I have it all, but I've no peace. I've no joy. My life as a Christian feels cold and empty. I don't have a church which doesn't help, but I'm working on that.

So cognitively,intellectually, I know that Jesus is the only waY, but there is no emotion attached to it. It feels almost like a ball and chain around my neck; I know the truth and can't unknow it so Im stuck with it. That's how it feels. Everything feels like a cliché.

'It's not about emotions'. OK, maybe but why do we have them, and it feels like a dry, depressing experience to chug along like a robot. This has been my default lately. 

'You need to give thanks and worship'. OK, but when I do, nothing genuine comes out. It leaves me even colder.

'Ask God to change your heart'. I've been doing that for years. I'm still hard inside.

'Repent' I have done, several times.

'Get deliverence' i have prayed so many prayers to close any demonic doors and on the outside, my life is squeaky clean. The inside is still decrepit.

'Talk to an elder'. I spoke to my old pastor who told me to just focus on Jesus. Jesus seems far away from me. 

'Spend more time in the Word'. I read a little every day and it's all I can stomach. 

To be honest, it all feels like something from Alice in Wonderland. One riddle after the other, one hoop to jump through after another. People keep saying how it's not works based, how Jesus did the work and that the Holy Spirit changes us.

He hasn't changed me much. All I do is wrestle and wrestle and wrestle with my inner being, all the time. I am EXHAUSTED.  I have been thinking about just walking away and living my life as I want. I desperately seek God's face and have been doing so since I got saved, and it's a constant radio silence. 

As I've said before, my earthly father is so loving and makes such an effort to tell me he loves me and show me he cares about me. He didn't just write me a book when I was born and go off and then tell me to look read it to get to know him, and then watch me on CCTV. And if I constantly cried out on the CCTV for him to get in touch in a way that felt real to me, that I could feel and understand, my biological father would do what I asked.

'Prayer isn't about getting what you want, it's about a relationship with God'. What relationship!!!!???? I feel.like I'm always getting scraps that just keep me going through each day and I have to try to talk myself into staying faithful.

I want to walk away. How can I spread the Gospel or share the good news when I feel so depleted. I've been a Christian for 5 years and am still on milk. Raising my kids Christian feels like a burden, not a privilege. I feel so ill equipped. 

I am SICK, SICK, SICK of all of the platitudes. Will someone just be honest with me and stop pulling out the 'trust God' tropes. I believe in Him, but I don't know Him. I keep asking and asking g to know Him and it all seems to be on me and I can't figure it out. I'm crying as I write this as I'm just so depleted. I'm sorry, but I need something supernatural from Him. 

 

Who are you, God? Who am I to you? Why won't you reach out to me, into my heart? Change me? I'm so empty. 

Keep reading God's Word. Focus on His Word. Everything good, including salvation, come from His Word. 

[Thewhitedove]

Gosh, I'm rereading this almost a year later and in a different place completely. At the time I wrote this, I was going through an incredibly stressful time, and, looking back, a lot of spiritual warfare. 

I don't think I can tag individual posters but someone said that I'm not saved, and I don't think that that was true at the time. I was under a lot of duress. Someone else said that I was having a bit of a tantrum and that I would despise them for saying it: I absolutely do not despise you and you were right- I was throwing a hissy fit in that moment of weakness. 

Another poster mentioned how I was believing a lot of lies, and that was actually true. 

To give some context, I was raised Catholic and got saved 6 years ago. The reality of the crucifixion and the Gospel being the truth hit me on a cellular level but I've had to relearn everything I thought I knew about God. 

I just didn't believe He loved me. He did give me an experience recently that shook me, one of those 'this cannot be a coincidence' moments and I have been learning about His love for me. I'm not seeing myself through a Catholic prism of being an inherently bad person, period, but as a sinner that God loves immeasurably. The story of Hosea's wife moved me to tears as I finally saw what it's all been about. There was no tenderness in my relationship with God, or none that I could see at least. I've learned that God is interested in every small detail of my life and cares about the little things that I care about too.

I have been hearing His voice more too. A few days ago I was praying to him and remembering how for so long, I had felt like my life was meaningless. God responded in my mind, Immediately:

'Of course your life has meaning! I made you!' 

This is sinking in more and more, and my heart is melting little by little, as the axis upon which all of my faith rests upon, is starting to shift.