Where are the real men?

[Marnie]

I've been contemplating marriage. The problem is, I just don't see a lot of real men. In another thread I was poked fun at because of some of the things I am looking for in a mate. The general feeling is that my sights are set too high; that I will never find my "ideal man" because he doesn't exist. I've been thinking about this, and while I know he is out there (I also believe in Bigfoot and the Nessie, mind you), he sure is hard to spot. What I mean is this: At 33, it is almost impossible to find a compatible male my age. What I generally find is this:

*guys my age are already divorced with children and lots of baggage;

*guys my age are still "finding themselves," whatever that means;

*guys my age who are single are likely gay or still living at home in their parents basement;

*too many guys my age are still tied to their mother's apron strings;

*guys my age are still playing and replaying the big game in highschool;

*guys my age are more interested in X Boxes than in cultivating a relationship;

*guys my age want the sex but don't want the exertion of building a life together;

*a lot of guys my age are so ego-centric they spend more time in front of a mirror than I do;

*what is it with this whole "sensitivity" thing? Sympathy and crying...far too common in men today;

*manners, politeness, and all those old-fashioned gentlemanly qualities seem to end with men in their late 40's

Now, I put this in the General Discussion area because Lord knows I am not looking for advice! What I am wondering is this: What the heck is it that you guys in your 30's are looking for out of life? Not in a mate, understand, but what is important to you, as a mid 30's American male? Now, when it comes to women and relationships, do intelligent women frighten or intimidate you? Are you put off by an ambitious, talented, opinionated, some would say attractive woman? Is cooking and darning socks important to you? Are you worried about hitting 40 and being single? Is height and weight in a woman important to you?

You think getting into a woman's head is difficult, you men are impossible to understand. So guys, now is your chance to step up to the plate and tell us women what goes on inside your head when it comes to the issues of life and relationships, cause, frankly, I am tired of trying to figure y'all out! Let's discuss.

[Iryssa]

Well, I can tell you one thing: playing X-Box with them is a lot of fun...my husband and I actually bond over it!

[CSLewis]

*manners, politeness, and all those old-fashioned gentlemanly qualities seem to end with men in their late 40's

You must live up north. What you need to do is come to Tx.

[Marnie]

*manners, politeness, and all those old-fashioned gentlemanly qualities seem to end with men in their late 40's

You must live up north. What you need to do is come to Tx.

Nope, born and raised in northern Virginia, now living in Nevada....

[MorningGlory]

Marnie, you forgot one......why are so many married men looking for single women? (I am single also and know this to be far too common.)

You should listen to CS Lewis; men here in Texas are a step up from the norm. Lots of gentlemen here and no boo hooing going on that I have seen.

[AnotherTraveler]

(I also believe in Bigfoot and the Nessie, mind you)

My grandfather waited until he was 33 to marry my grandmother, they had a wonderful marriage. There are still wonderful men of God your age (I can think of several I know) that make no efforts to seek a girlfriend, do not date, but are very lively in serving the Lord. Their mindset is that God will, at the proper time, cause them to find the right person as long as they seek first the kingdom of God.

Matthew 6:32-34 (King James Version)

(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Marnie, I don't know about bigfoot or Nessie, but the kind of man you are looking for (I was the person that poked fun at her, I repent ) actually certainly does exist, but you will find him out doing the work of the Lord, probably serving soup to the hungry in Africa or handing out rice and beans to the needy in the mountains of Jamaica. I have been there with such men, serving the poor, they do exist, but they are only looking for the will of God, and someone to do the will of God with them.

A good friend of my older daughters is 23 and she just left for a two year missionary trip to the Phillipines, and she is by faith just waiting on that one person that God has in mind for her.

My son's girlfriend was gone almost the entire summer on missionary trips to South America (You'd have though he was dying for his whining about when will she be back), and she got him to volunteer to ring the bells multiple times during Christmas to help the Salvation Army. I was allowed to read the first note she wrote to him expressing what she liked about him, the first thing on her list was that he was a man of God.

[mrs]

hey marnie if you move to Tx, go live in whichever city stevej is in

[buckthesystem]

I am going to be encouraging, honest and absolutely not sarcastic, totally out of character I know. But believe it or not I can actually be nice.

Great that you are contemplating marriage. 33 is most certainly NOT "getting long in the tooth" (terrible metaphor, but I'm looking for a nice way to say "old"), in fact 33 is pretty young when you are considering taking on a partner for life, and a really good age to be out there "courting" (I can just see people cringing at the word "courting", why do people hate this word so much?)

It just means that you are not flighty and likely to make a drastic mistake and fall in love with the wrong bloke, one who will just use you and treat you like dirt, when a younger woman might be "all starry eyed" and think "he can do no wrong".

There definitely IS "Mr Right" out there for you (though CS Lewis is probably right and he lives in Texas).

Or it could be he lives in NZ (there's a plug for NZ guys).

Don't give up on blokes, keep "testing the water" and don't, DON'T, "drop your standards".

Of course, a husband doesn't have to be "your age" any more. I am seeing more and more marriages between people who very different in age and background, and it doesn't seem to matter. My pastor is 11 years younger than his wife and they have been married for six years and are very happy. I didn't even realise it until recently when we were celebrating his 50th birthday, and I said to him "now you are in the same decade as me" and his wife got quite upset (because, as she confided in me later "she could never say that to him, as he would never catch up to her decade" - it seemed to concern her, but she quickly conceded that it was a very minor point when compared to the fact that they got on so well together, and when I said "so he obviously saw you as attractive enough to marry, I don't think I could be attractive to someone 11 years younger than me".

I guess marriage is all about the person, not specifics like what age you are, what do you do for a living, what colour eyes you have, what car you have.

The only requirement that you absolutely MUST be fussy about is: Is the prospective husband mechancially inclined, and knows how to build things and make concrete etc? This is essential.

God is on your side, so that is a really good start.

[chicagoburbite]

*guys my age are already divorced with children and lots of baggage;

Some might be divorced without baggage; and the children might be an asset.

*guys my age are more interested in X Boxes than in cultivating a relationship;

If it's only a hobby, and a way to blow off steam, there really isn't anything wrong with it. Have you really met men who would rather master "level 5" than spend time with you?

*what is it with this whole "sensitivity" thing? Sympathy and crying...far too common in men today; John Eldridge would agree with you there. I think crying is a healthy way for both men and women to release sorrow, frustration, and pain, but not if it's a chronic issue.

*manners, politeness, and all those old-fashioned gentlemanly qualities seem to end with men in their late 40's Actually, when I was single a few years ago, as a woman in her mid 30's, I found that the older men were the most giving, gentlemanly sort out there! They held doors, talked more, more attentive, etc.

What the heck is it that you guys in your 30's That may be your answer right there. Stop considering men your own age.

[reconditioned]

If it makes you feel better I was a real man to the best of my knowledge. So the do exist, and you're not foolish for wanting one. I'd like to think that I still am.

Please don't try to start a family though.