Need advice

[HikerMom]

Hi All,

I am new to the forum but wanted to get some advice.  I have a friend that I have known for about 15 years.  We started to get close when we first met...she is also a Christian and goes to my church.  I pulled away eventually because she is such an angry person.  The anger never poured out onto me but it does on her family and she has a very scoffing attitude towards everything in general.  For example, we recently went shopping and she got mad because an item she recently purchased went on sale for 5 dollars less.   "I hate this store," she said.  So I guess I would call her a massive complainer.

 

Anyway, over time many years ago, I pulled away over it.  It makes me uncomfortable especially when she seems to have and show such contempt for her family and other people.  On extremely rare occasions, we would get together but nothing ever changed.   Her family will never be able to live up to her expectations.  She thinks my kids (ages 20 and 22) are wonderful, but I know her expectations and she would really hate them as well.

Recently, we started talking again.  I feel guilty because I have been in such a needy place and started hanging out with her.  My own problem started two years ago when my daughter was suicidal.  I prayed so hard at night that apparently I was trying to control it and started jerking awake.  So I have had insomnia for two years and am still trying to cope and hope that God will heal me soon.  In the meantime, I have tried to be with people for distractions from the relentless depression related to this struggle....I've just been trying to hang in there.

But I feel guilty because once again, by keeping silent I feel like I am contributing to the problem and also it is just not good for me to be around her anger....I used to be so much like her.  I grew up in an abusive environment and left it an angry person.  My anger was destructive to my kids and husband.  But thankfully, God rescued me from all that and has redeemed so much in my life.  I have a wonderful, wise husband and two great kids.   

I need my friend right now, but I feel like I have to be honest or what kind of friend am I?  I can't stand by and see her abusive behavior and no speak up.  Kids are in such a powerless position..as I once was.  Adults must speak up.  I really just need advise on what, how, and when to talk with her...face to face?  at my house?  a letter?  

 

1to3 I read your advice to someone recently and thought it was very wise.  Anyone?  Prayers and advice welcomed....

 

 

 

[Willa]

I am asking for this to be moved to one of the have a problem forums since this introduction is to just briefly introduce yourself.  

Welcome to Worthy, Willa

[HikerMom]

naominash...Thanks so much for your reply.  I have thought about the verse from Proverbs frequently.  As for a regenerated heart, our church teaches that baptism is the point of salvation, consequently, I think very often people feel they are ok and neglect the kind of transformation God wants.  I know you are right that her anger may be eventually directed at me.  But I do think I need to give her the chance by being honest with her.  I do believe God wants that from me.  But you are right....I don't want to risk becoming an angry person byt spending a lot of time with an angry person.  It was a very hard journey out of that place...blessings to you

[SisterActs2]

Hi Hiker Mom

Most of us find confrontation really difficult.  I certainly do.  But Naominash is right.

My advice is to pray and ask the Lord to give you an opportunity, an opening, to somehow lovingly speak to this lady.  Ask God to give you words that will speak encouragement along with words of admonishment.  Perhaps you could ask her to share her testimony with you (about her salvation) and if there is anything she would like you to pray for, for her.  It might open the way.

With regard to your insomnia, have you tried to give it to the Lord and leave it there?  I am sure I am not alone in praying for healing for you for pain resulting from this difficult time.  Praise the Lord and thank Him that things are better now.

[SisterActs2]

Hi HikerMom, again (welcome to Worthy, by the way)

Having just read your reply to naominash, I realise this lady may, in fact, not have received Jesus as her saviour.  Following our Lord through the waters of baptism is necessary, however we are saved at the moment we receive Jesus as our Lord and Saviour.  We must come to Him as a little child, confess to Jesus that we believe in Him, that we are a sinner and need His forgiveness for our sin.  Repentance is very necessary, as without repentance we will not realise how horrible and destructive our sin is, and how we are born into inherent sin.  In fact, until we are confronted with the cross of Jesus Christ, we have no knowledge or understanding of what it took for Jesus to bring salvation to mankind.  If, indeed, you find she has no testimony of actually being saved, then you need to bring to her attention scriptures about being born again (John 3) and all that living as a Christian really mean (recognising that we come to Jesus as we are, but that He will change us, if we repent and are willing in our hearts to follow Him, leaving behind our old lives as we are new creations in Him).  All this may happen over a little time, but the most important thing right now is that she comes to the saving knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ in her life.

 

[Justin Adams]

Perhaps you are in a co-dependent relationship with your friend? Ask yourself that hard question. 
Sleep deprivation is also a horrible thing to endure. It make 'normal' things into monstrous events.

I would hope you have a mature christian friend you might talk with.

 

[HikerMom]

Thanks all...

SistersActs2...I appreciate what you said about finding something affirming to say as well.  I will pray for the open door.    Thanks you for praying for the insomnia.  I think I am doing a good job of letting go but also think that God seems to really be showing me each day that I have no control over it.  At first that is all I did was try to fix it.  God is showing me I can't...more and more.  I am trying to stay hopeful that He will heal me soon.  I don't FEEL hopeful always, but am trying to hang onto that hope.  It has been very, very hard to keep my faith through it.

Justin....I don't think it is a codependent relationship.  I know what that looks like.  I definitely am a fixer though of which I have to be careful.  I became frantic to escape my grief over this insomnia and so she was one of the people I asked to spend time with.  I feel very guilty over that because I think it wasn't fair to her.  I love her but the anger has always bothered me tremendously.  I am still in need of others to spend time with but I don't want to be unfair to anyone else.  It's not a reason to begin a friendship and I struggle to find like-minded people within my own fellowship.    People in our fellowship have alot of issues with slander.  They tend to compare themselves in a positive light with the world rather than comparing themselves to Jesus.  It's hard because my husband won't leave for his own reasons.  So I think God has me there for a reason.   

Anyway, I appreciate all the welcomes, the prayers and thoughts.

 

Edited December 31, 2017 by HikerMom

[SueZQ]

Hello and welcome to Worthy, such a difficult situation, praying God gives you the wisdom you are seeking. 

[wingnut-]

Welcome to worthy    Praying that God gives you the words to speak to your friend, God bless.

[Wayne222]

Hi and a big welcome to our great board. I would talk to a pastor of your church. She needs help to overcome this. She is making everyone unhappy in her family i am sure. She does not see the harm she is doing to others. Be a good friend until she shows she will not repent. Give her time too. And keep praying. Christ said to have faith and not give up in prayer. God blessings.