Family disapproves of BF

[Repose]

Questions like this are difficult cause it can be hard to tell if there's bias. Not to sound accusatory, it's just that I can hardly picture two parents disapproving of a guy just cause he dresses casually and isn't big on their particular church. If he was some bumbling buffoon with a penchant for domestic abuse, sure, but this seems unreasonable. 

If it is your feelings coloring your perceptions, and your parents objection is reasonable, then that's on you. 

If it's truly unreasonable and they aren't even willing to hear you out... If I were in your shoes, I don't suppose I'd hear them out, myself. I'd probably still go on dates and just ignore my parents.

It's just a matter of honestly assessing the situation. You're trying to choose between your parents and a guy you don't know if you'll marry. You need to really sit down and consider this, cause this is a choice that can have long lasting consequences.

[missmuffet]

5 hours ago, GG1010 said:

Yes it's very contemporary like the person giving the message is not dressed in a suit and tie type. They wanted him to become a member pretty much, he obviously did not agree because he really likes his own church and I understood that. 

I do still live at home. I have helped my family with bills and with my siblings because the help is always needed. I feel like sometimes I'm the third parent.  I have talked to them calmly. Once I even wrote a letter to be clear with them of how I felt. I was cut off not even half way.  

You do not live in the United States? Some cultures are very different. Here in the U.S. it is not necessary for a Pastor to wear a suit when he preaches. Are you prepared to go off on your own? Are you a Christian praying person?

[GG1010]

52 minutes ago, missmuffet said:

You do not live in the United States? Some cultures are very different. Here in the U.S. it is not necessary for a Pastor to wear a suit when he preaches. Are you prepared to go off on your own? Are you a Christian praying person?

I do live in the US. I am of a different culture though. I am prepared to go off on my own. I know that this will create a lot of conflict and that is ultimately what I am trying to avoid. I am a Christian praying person. I have gotten discouraged about this.

[missmuffet]

1 hour ago, GG1010 said:

I do live in the US. I am of a different culture though. I am prepared to go off on my own. I know that this will create a lot of conflict and that is ultimately what I am trying to avoid. I am a Christian praying person. I have gotten discouraged about this.

Are you prepared to consider the consequences of going out on your own and leaving your family? Are you capable of supporting yourself? 

[other one]

GG1010   none of us should be giving you any kind of counseling without a whole lot more information about yourself, him, your parents, his parents, which churches you are speaking of so as to understand why they might want him to join your church.....   that throws up a red flag to me that there is something there that we don't comprehend....   I find it very difficult that at your age your parents think they have the right to demand who you see and/or speak to....    there is something there that doesn't meet the eye for me.    What kind of cultural background gives them the right to do that.... 

[GG1010]

3 hours ago, missmuffet said:

Are you prepared to consider the consequences of going out on your own and leaving your family? Are you capable of supporting yourself? 

As far as financially supporting myself- yes there is no doubt that I can do that.  The biggest consequence will be with my family.  I hope that they will come around eventually.  

 

[HAZARD]

Hi GG1010.

You sound like a very good loving daughter, helping your parents in every way whilst living there. You say you are in your mid twenties and are prepared to go off on your own. 

Unless there is something seriously wrong with your boy friend, which you would know about by now after being together for 16 months, In my opinion, you are of the age where you alone can and should decide who you live with, who you want to be friends with, who you want to marry. If you find out later that you have made the wrong decision  regarding this man, then that falls upon you yourself not your parents. Don't let your mother and father make your life miserable.

Interfering parents can make ones life miserable, I know and speak from 72 years of experience.

Colossian. 3:21, Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. 

Tell your family that dating is for learning about yourself, your heart, your soul and the kind of partner that fits with you. This is about you, not your parents! Dating is about your heart, your soul and the kind of partner that fits with you. Despite your love for your folks, their opinion of who you bring home isn't what matters the most; What matters most is that he makes you happy.

Edited September 17, 2019 by HAZARD

[GG1010]

36 minutes ago, other one said:

GG1010   none of us should be giving you any kind of counseling without a whole lot more information about yourself, him, your parents, his parents, which churches you are speaking of so as to understand why they might want him to join your church.....   that throws up a red flag to me that there is something there that we don't comprehend....   I find it very difficult that at your age your parents think they have the right to demand who you see and/or speak to....    there is something there that doesn't meet the eye for me.    What kind of cultural background gives them the right to do that.... 

I completely understand what you mean. I come from a latin background. My family doesn't really have boundaries.  I think partly is because I have allowed this for so long. I dont like living on conflict so I just do what I is told. My church is more evangelical and his is more baptist, if were talking about denominations.

 

My parents have been together since they were teens mostly because they has me and they married. They were separated for sometime then they got back together. They had two children after that and there is a big age cap between my siblings and I. My parents recieved Jesus in their lives about 15 years ago. 

 

His parents have been separated since he was a kid. He mostly grew up with his aunt who raised him. He was raised Christian but didn't always attend church. He came to Jesus about 3 years ago. He does have a relationship with both of his parents but it's different as he has not ever lived with both of them together. 

 

When we first spoke to my parents about us dating. It was all fine but there were conditions. My parents told him that he had to come see me. They didn't want me to drive to him and such. We understood that and he did come to see me. We live about a hour apart so at times usually on sundays I would try and attend his church after my service and we would hang out. It got to the point that evertime I told my family that I was planning on visiting him it would turn into an arguement.

 

I know it's a lot and there is possibly more that I need describe but I think this is a pretty good summary. 

[GG1010]

7 hours ago, Repose said:

Questions like this are difficult cause it can be hard to tell if there's bias. Not to sound accusatory, it's just that I can hardly picture two parents disapproving of a guy just cause he dresses casually and isn't big on their particular church. If he was some bumbling buffoon with a penchant for domestic abuse, sure, but this seems unreasonable. 

If it is your feelings coloring your perceptions, and your parents objection is reasonable, then that's on you. 

If it's truly unreasonable and they aren't even willing to hear you out... If I were in your shoes, I don't suppose I'd hear them out, myself. I'd probably still go on dates and just ignore my parents.

It's just a matter of honestly assessing the situation. You're trying to choose between your parents and a guy you don't know if you'll marry. You need to really sit down and consider this, cause this is a choice that can have long lasting consequences.

We have talked about marriage being together. At this point we are very serious about each other. We have discussed moving in together and I know that will add more fuel to the fire but it would just be to help us save up and it would make things easier since we wouldn't live an hour apart. I dont believe it's my feelings covering up my perceptions. I know that I am committed to this relationship and want it to succeed.  It's just hard being in the middle of this. 

[GG1010]

12 hours ago, Coliseum said:

Hi GG.

As long as your BF belongs to Christ, it is sufficient. All of the rest of what you detail are things human beings must work out. We often think that life is a bunch of deals; that is, "I do something for you, and you do something for me---in that order." But God says it differently: "I do something for you---period!" Loving someone does not look at what you receive, but what you give.

Treat your parents with dignity and respect, sharing with them that it is past time to make decisions just like they began making when they were young. It is why God says we leave our parents; we then fulfill what God desires of us.

God bless you sister. The Holy Spirit will guide you into all truth.

Thank you so much for your words and advice. God bless!