I’m hurting so much. I just need a place to talk...

[shel]

On 10/9/2019 at 12:51 AM, Jesusispeace said:

My husband decided I’m the only one in this world who could save him.

hes not addicted, but he’s extremely depressed and surely demon possessed with anger 

Sounds like he has you locked into his obsessive spiral enabling him to continue controlling you, doing both of you only harm not good. (Been there) you need the help of someone who understands mental illness. You need compassionate people to help give you some rest so you can think clearly and decide what to do for you and your children. Praying for this. My children are grown now and their mentally ill father has passed away. I can't believe how quickly the years went. God has been. So faithful. It's eerie you could be telling my exact story.

[AngelInTraining93]

On 10/8/2019 at 5:02 PM, Jesusispeace said:

Im looking for a place to just speak my heart about what’s happening in my life.

I don’t have a soul to speak to personally.

i talk to God and I also know He sees everything but I really feel alone because I don’t have any friends or relatives to just share my pain.

i am really trying to hold on to scripture and Gods promises for my life. I feel like I’ve been in darkness so long and I’ve been alone in it, it’s just incredibly difficult to survive each day and keep my head up.

I am the only one who can soothe myself and I have to carry a load of hurt in my heart and head without releasing it.

For starters, 

my marriage is in a crisis. we fight so much. My husband gets physical. 
He’s depressed and refuses medical attention. He doesn’t believe in God. He places his whole happiness in my hands and thinks I can save him.

i can’t.

i can’t say that to him. He calls me a quitter. 
 

it’s too much too much to be considered someone’s savior!!

or course I pray 

Everyday I stay home and I take care of our 1.5 year old and we have another baby on the way

im worried about how that will go! 
 

im already sleep deprived and on edge trying to keep him happy and not explode. 
 

indont get a break

i Constantly have 100 things to do and I’m tired. I want to so badly just devote more tome to spending with God but I have a list of chores to complete and then constantly check up on my husband because that’s what he wants.

i have an older daughter from my previous marriage who stopped talking to me. I can’t understand why. I’ve been desperately trying to reach out to her and she ignores me.

 

im in so much pain about that! And I can’t really talk about it 

I had a falling out with my parents as well. 

i feel the world just crumbling under my feet.
 

i pray when I can

I’m waiting on God

but I’m exhausted I don’t really know what I want or need

when I go out, I keep to myself. I don’t smile at anyone unless I absolutely have to. I don’t talk to other moms when i take my daughter places.

i need some comfort but I’m avoiding everyone. It’s not like I can share all this with a stranger anyway

i just want to poor my heart out I guess 

 

I have prayed for you. I'm so sorry I cannot do more. But God is very capable at providing help. 

[Billiards Ball]

On 10/8/2019 at 5:02 PM, Jesusispeace said:

Im looking for a place to just speak my heart about what’s happening in my life.

I don’t have a soul to speak to personally.

i talk to God and I also know He sees everything but I really feel alone because I don’t have any friends or relatives to just share my pain.

i am really trying to hold on to scripture and Gods promises for my life. I feel like I’ve been in darkness so long and I’ve been alone in it, it’s just incredibly difficult to survive each day and keep my head up.

I am the only one who can soothe myself and I have to carry a load of hurt in my heart and head without releasing it.

For starters, 

my marriage is in a crisis. we fight so much. My husband gets physical. 
He’s depressed and refuses medical attention. He doesn’t believe in God. He places his whole happiness in my hands and thinks I can save him.

i can’t.

i can’t say that to him. He calls me a quitter. 
 

it’s too much too much to be considered someone’s savior!!

or course I pray 

Everyday I stay home and I take care of our 1.5 year old and we have another baby on the way

im worried about how that will go! 
 

im already sleep deprived and on edge trying to keep him happy and not explode. 
 

indont get a break

i Constantly have 100 things to do and I’m tired. I want to so badly just devote more tome to spending with God but I have a list of chores to complete and then constantly check up on my husband because that’s what he wants.

i have an older daughter from my previous marriage who stopped talking to me. I can’t understand why. I’ve been desperately trying to reach out to her and she ignores me.

 

im in so much pain about that! And I can’t really talk about it 

I had a falling out with my parents as well. 

i feel the world just crumbling under my feet.
 

i pray when I can

I’m waiting on God

but I’m exhausted I don’t really know what I want or need

when I go out, I keep to myself. I don’t smile at anyone unless I absolutely have to. I don’t talk to other moms when i take my daughter places.

i need some comfort but I’m avoiding everyone. It’s not like I can share all this with a stranger anyway

i just want to poor my heart out I guess 

 

Two things! 

You are NOT alone, we're here to help, but CLEARLY, you need good Bible-based church fellowship.

SEPARATION IS NOT DIVORCE, separate from your husband, because he is striking you/getting physical. Then you will be able to think/feel. Christians need hugs from Jesus and believers, not pain from spouses! He needs counseling!

[Jesusispeace]

Yesterday I finally got a chance to pray with my husband last night! Praise God!!!

i was nervous given how it’s been between us and how he talks about God.

He did complain at the end that he was overwhelmed and it made him uncomfortable and it was too long (It was like 2 min long because I know he wouldn’t be receptive to a long prayer) but he said he’s open to more praying as long as I keep it short 

I’m happy to do that and I figure I can do a short prayer regularly with one scripture and a quick something from the heart!

[BeauJangles]

5 minutes ago, Jesusispeace said:

Yesterday I finally got a chance to pray with my husband last night! Praise God!!!

I’m happy to do that and I figure I can do a short prayer regularly with one scripture and a quick something from the heart!

Wow! This is tremendously encouraging! Praise the Lord!

[Jesusispeace]

17 minutes ago, BeauJangles said:

Wow! This is tremendously encouraging! Praise the Lord!

I know it’s because I have wonderful Christian brothers and sisters praying for us!! I’m so thankful 

[Billiards Ball]

Including many here at this forum! We're praying! 

But there CANNOT be another physical violence incident. There MUST be accountability, and awareness that physically abusive spouses will lie like a rug to get you back, then beat you again. You MUST both be involved with a local pastor and those experienced in physical abuse cycles.

[Jesusispeace]

On 10/10/2019 at 11:03 AM, Tzephanyahu said:

Shalom  @Jesusispeace,

My heart goes out to you sister.  Reading your posts feels me with frustration, anger, sadness but also hope.  

Hope because it seems that you are under a great deal of pressure from all sides and that often indicates that you have some calling on your life which is very important, and there could be spiritual warfare against you to keep you down, suppressed and without joy.  I wonder what He has planned for you...

May I ask if you have been baptised with the Holy Spirit?  If you have not, seek this above all things.

There will come a time when continuing to witness to someone who resists actually becomes counterproductive.   The more your witness, the thicker the wall.  At such stalemates, your best chance to reach them is with demonstration.  Try to see it this way...

Your husband is sat in the dark and has been hit regularly with a light. Intermittently, without warning, but regularly.  This light temporarily lights him and his sins up and so he runs in the opposite direction, back to the comfortable darkness. 

This light is you, persistently witnessing to him after he has resisted.  However, if you were not to do anything at all, he would be surrounded by darkness and lost without hope... 

Therefore, if you live your life and keep your ways in the Lord's ways, neither pushing your witness on him, boisterously shouting praises or singing worship songs, then this is what it will be like:  You will be a glowing light near to him in the darkness, standing strong and firm.  A soft, welcoming beacon of light.  Eventually, when he gets weary of the darkness,  and he will, he'll draw near to the light - ready to be lit up by it at his own pace.

Now, for this to be effective, you need to have joy and peace in your spirit and confidence in the Lord and His goodness.  Such power can only come by the Holy Spirit (hence why I asked earlier).   Again, if you haven't been baptised with the Holy Spirit - seek this above all things.

But if you maintain this for a short while and then he sees you collapse from it, he'll likely doubt your faith.  It would be like seeing the light flicker in the wind or die out for a short time. 

When people struggle in life, like your husband, and are around positive people - they can try and break their joy to bring them down to their level.  This is a subconscious action as the sufferer tries to get a grip on reality.  When they encounter someone with joy they can think "But you don't realise how bad everything is! let me show you!".  Again, this subconscious and not necessarily malicious.  However, if that person they are trying to bring down remains at peace regardless - it can really shake up their reality eventually and make them think "what have they got that I haven't?  How can they be at such peace and contentment?  I want that too."

Important Note:  For the above to be effective, you must remain continuously with joy, peace and confidence (which can only come from the Holy Spirit) but you also must continue to show love, care and empathetic - otherwise you could come across cold and uncaring.   Think of it like this - Just as the Messiah is your anchor, so you must be the anchor for your husband (at least at this time) - remaining strong and sturdy against all the stormy waves he faces.

I hope that makes sense.

May Yahweh bless you with wisdom, safety, peace and an abundant pouring out of His Spirit at this time.  

Trust in Him and remain in prayer privately.  Be ready for the long-haul but expect an change eagerly.

Love & Shalom

Hi Tzephanyahu,

I am baptized! I have been filled with the Holy Spirit and been delivered twice from my own demons. I used to have a wonderful spiritual and church life. 

things fell apart when I made the mistake of marrying a nonbeliever- which is another long story. 
 

but at this point it’s neither here nor there and

i am praying for all of that To be fixed!! I made mistakes and I feel like I am paying for them now.

my older daughter won’t speak to me. I had a falling out with my parents. I have lost my friends over the years. I don’t even understand it. I truly feel someone either cursed my life or I am paying for my sins now.

i know God can turn everything around

thr way my life has turned out, I know there is some serious spiritual warfare going on-things don’t just spiral down like that out of nowhere!

 

my husband is very much in the dark and I know that I need to be his light. I don’t witness to him because it causes more tension anyway. I try so hard to stay afloat but his darkness consumes me. I pray for God to give me strength, warmth, compassion, wisdom to handle my husband 

I miss being filled with the Holy Spirit 

[Tzephanyahu]

Wow sister, you are going through the mill at the moment!  It must feel like you are getting it from every side.  Internet hug!

35 minutes ago, Jesusispeace said:

I try so hard to stay afloat but his darkness consumes me.

No my sister, as much as it might seem like this, that will only be your perception, under spiritual warfare.  No darkness can take you away from His light.  With all due respect to your husband, he isn't powerful enough to consume you with what currently ails him!  I know it may seem that way, but that is the perception only.  The truth is different as you'll probably appreciate more in the future looking back on this time.

35 minutes ago, Jesusispeace said:

I miss being filled with the Holy Spirit 

Seek this above everything else.  What I'm about to say may sound strange but bear with me.  The more you focus on the problems and issues, the less the Spirit is likely to flourish in you.  Being consumed with problems changes your mind and focus and even your heart away from Yahweh - whilst you try to get through the day. 

If at all possible, seek Him and His righteousness above all these trials and I'm sure the Spirit will fill you again.  Make time to study His word (however, short it might be in the day) and rejoice in all the good things in your life (however few they might be).  And remember what the Messiah said about keeping on asking and seeking and the Father will send the Spirit in time.  

It's easy for me to say but, again, have the base of your mind, the core of your heart and daily thoughts on Yahweh and His Word rather than the many, many trials you are facing daily.  Our prayer warriors seem to be with you and it's good to hear there is some development already.

Stay strong, take courage and believe.

Love & Shalom

Edited October 11, 2019 by Tzephanyahu

[Jesusispeace]

24 minutes ago, Tzephanyahu said:

Wow sister, you are going through the mill at the moment!  It must feel like you are getting it from every side.  Internet hug!

No my sister, as much as it might seem like this, that will only be your perception, under spiritual warfare.  No darkness can take you away from His light.  With all due respect to your husband, he isn't powerful enough to consume you with what currently ails him!  I know it may seem that way, but that is the perception only.  The truth is different as you'll probably appreciate more in the future looking back on this time.

Seek this above everything else.  What I'm about to say may sound strange but bear with me.  The more you focus on the problems and issues, the less the Spirit is likely to flourish in you.  Being consumed with problems changes your mind and focus and even your heart away from Yahweh - whilst you try to get through the day. 

If at all possible, seek Him and His righteousness above all these trials and I'm sure the Spirit will fill you again.  Make time to study His word (however, short it might be in the day) and rejoice in all the good things in your life (however few they might be).  And remember what the Messiah said about keeping on asking and seeking and the Father will send the Spirit in time.  

It's easy for me to say but, again, have the base of your mind, the core of your heart and daily thoughts on Yahweh and His Word rather than the many, many trials you are facing daily.  Our prayer warriors seem to be with you and it's good to hear there is some development already.

Stay strong, take courage and believe.

Love & Shalom

Truly your words inspire me and fill me with strength and motivation!

i agree that I need to keep my eyes on Jesus and keep seeking, asking, knocking

i know His promises are true

“faith has made you well!“

That’s a recurring scripture and I need to be faithFUL. 
 

I am excited that I can start praying with my husband. In time things will be better and I’m so thankful for all the prayer warriors here!!