How many times do I have to repent about this?

[Marilyn C]

1 hour ago, Figure of eighty said:

I seem to have an anger and sadness I can't let go. I went through an unexpected and disappointing experience ( don't want to talk about it ) 

 

I feel the more I hold on to it. The more it messes with me mentally, to the point I was having nightmares chronically every time I closed my eyes..but when I repented they stopped.. but it's like my mind can't let it go.. 

I keep God at Arms length, I don't trust him fully bc I don't want to be disappointed again so I just keep him far away.. 

 

I'm starting to feel hopeless and give up on myself.  Trying to trust triggers anxiety and anger.. 

 

Idk.. I probably just need meds.

Hi Figure of eighty,

Yes, life is about sadness, disappointment and can cause anger and frustration etc. God knows all this. And about trusting God, that is a life journey. The fallen world is so big in our view and minds that to even think of God can be somewhat unreal. 

But....may I suggest you start to `eat the good food` for your soul (& spirit). Remember I said about being thankful. Practice that every day and you will start to get a better balance to life. We tend to make everything major when really, we have so much to be thankful for.

[Figure of eighty]

11 minutes ago, Sower said:

Take every thought captive, examine it, be it from God or the enemy, submit to God.
Resist the (defeated) devil who is inserting in the mind, bad thoughts/discouragement, and he will flee!
The devil is the enemy and he hates God's own, and desires to defeat us.
If you encounter the enemy it is because you are striving to be Godly. The devil will try to defeat you.

You can remind the devil that Christ defeated him on the cross. Jesus overcame the world.
As a believer in Christ, you have over come the world also, in Christ.
You can do all things IN CHRIST. He will never leave you, he will never forsake you.

Your shield of faith will quench those fiery darts of doubt. Believe God's promises, they are all true.
"What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?"

The enemy wants you captive to cripple you. Jesus has set the captives free.
Sounds to me, Figure of eighty you are fighting a good fight and are becoming weary.
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up"

Get a "Bible Promise Book."   on E bay, used very cheap, less than 4-5 bucks, free shipping.
Has an index to look up what's bothering or concerning, and interesting to you.
When I ask God daily, especially when temptation is eminent I pray that God MAKE my path straight.
Whatever it takes. He has and I have victories over stuff I couldn't do on my own.
God's promises are TRUE!
 

PS, Pay attention to the fact that God's method of answering prayers is always better.
His ways are not man's. And his timing is his timing.
You can not learn to trust till God see's you trusting, no matter how little. It will grow.

I'm not trying to sound like a wet mat but I really haven't been pursuing God. I'm not a good Christian. I still struggle with anger and resentment twds God. Sometimes I feel im not Saved at all... 

I feel like a fake but I'll pray God takes this anger away. Bc I know it's wrong. 

[Ghostdog]

27 minutes ago, Figure of eighty said:

True but idk I just feel upset about the situation.  

 

its ok to feel upset and in time you will look back and be fine with it but when its raw its hard to see how

[Figure of eighty]

20 minutes ago, Ghostdog said:

its ok to feel upset and in time you will look back and be fine with it but when its raw its hard to see how

I hope so. 

[Figure of eighty]

43 minutes ago, Marilyn C said:

Hi Figure of eighty,

Yes, life is about sadness, disappointment and can cause anger and frustration etc. God knows all this. And about trusting God, that is a life journey. The fallen world is so big in our view and minds that to even think of God can be somewhat unreal. 

But....may I suggest you start to `eat the good food` for your soul (& spirit). Remember I said about being thankful. Practice that every day and you will start to get a better balance to life. We tend to make everything major when really, we have so much to be thankful for.

I will try. I really wish I was like you guys. Most here seem to trust God no matter what and don't have issues like I do. 

[Ghostdog]

many of us are older in the lord than you and have experiences to draw upon

[Debp]

3 hours ago, Figure of eighty said:

I definitely feel like I have a heart issue spiritually... I question if I'm saved. I said the sinners prayer and did water baptism twice. Yet I still am so reluctant with trusting God, anxious,upset about trusting God and I get angry as well. 

Idk I feel like a dead person that's not responding to a defibrillator... 

Sometimes idk if I should keep trying or give up with Christianity bc I feel like a hypocrite and I can't change myself. It's exhausting.

Did you say the sinner's prayer or did you pray it?    Just mouthing words you don't really mean won't work.

Maybe you haven't gotten to the end of your rope yet?   Most people in desperation cry out to the Lord sincerely.   And the Lord hears and answers.

 

[AnOrangeCat]

6 hours ago, Jedi4Yahweh said:

I think every true Christian has a sin they struggle with of which they have to overcome.  It reminds me of how God promised Israel the Promise Land flowing with milk and honey but after all the struggles they went through to get there, there were still enemies in the land they had to overcome.  

I agree completely with this. Paul had his thorn that he prayed to be removed but then after multiple instances of prayer he concluded that it served a purpose in his Christian walk. The specific things we struggle with are different but the struggle with something is probably something that hits us all whether we're conscious of it or not. I read a section of the book of Hebrews just a scant few hours ago and it spoke of people who placed their trust in God and held on to faith for better things in Heaven. They never got to see the reward during their earthly lives.

7 hours ago, Figure of eighty said:

I feel the more I hold on to it. The more it messes with me mentally, to the point I was having nightmares chronically every time I closed my eyes..but when I repented they stopped.. but it's like my mind can't let it go.. 

I went through the ringer with this one. I used to get periods where my brain just constantly spilled out anger and insults toward God and the Holy Spirit. It was the latter that disturbed me a lot and sent me into panic and tears and no matter how much I prayed or said I was sorry I'd be in fear over it. It wasn't until I would feel the presence of God again that I felt I could relax and settle into emotional exhaustion. I think that lasted a good 25+ years of my life before it faded in the wake of a particularly bad instance spurring me to step up my Christian life. That made a huge difference for me. My fears were rooted in my emotions so doing things that emotionally made me feel more secure as a Christian did a lot to counter the fear.

As an aside I've come to believe that I suffer(ed) from a form of OCD called scrupulosity. Dealing with any form of OCD differs from person to person but in my case I felt like the more I acknowledged my worries over these thoughts the more I prolonged the unpleasant experience of them. So I learned to ignore them and distract myself with whatever.

So far as repenting goes I personally see repentance as a process, sometimes a very long one. Acknowledging error and asking for forgiveness is part of it, but so is committing to do better even if you end up stumbling a lot in the way. Some of us probably beat ourselves up for our sins more than we need to and it's more to satisfy ourselves since we're already covered by the blood of Jesus and good with God.

5 hours ago, Figure of eighty said:

Sometimes idk if I should keep trying or give up with Christianity bc I feel like a hypocrite and I can't change myself. It's exhausting.

This is more of an ask yourself rather than answer here, but has anything changed for the better in your life over the past few years? I personally feel like you're stuck going in circles, a lot of that involving your environment. I certainly did for a long time in my situation that I mentioned above and felt it in other ways when I was trapped in abusive situations. When nothing changes in your internal (your thoughts and emotions) or external (your circumstances and the people around you) environments it's harder to enact change.

Edited November 28, 2024 by AnOrangeCat

[christsavedme]

6 hours ago, Figure of eighty said:

I seem to have an anger and sadness I can't let go. I went through an unexpected and disappointing experience ( don't want to talk about it ) 

 

I feel the more I hold on to it. The more it messes with me mentally, to the point I was having nightmares chronically every time I closed my eyes..but when I repented they stopped.. but it's like my mind can't let it go.. 

I keep God at Arms length, I don't trust him fully bc I don't want to be disappointed again so I just keep him far away.. 

 

I'm starting to feel hopeless and give up on myself.  Trying to trust triggers anxiety and anger.. 

 

Idk.. I probably just need meds.

Your letter deeply moved me. Your experience of finding relief from nightmares through repentance, yet still struggling with trust, is particularly telling. It suggests that while your spiritual instincts are sound, there's a deeper wound that needs attention.

I want to validate that keeping God at arm's length is a natural human response to pain. Throughout history, we see this pattern in both individual lives and collective experiences. But I've observed that this defensive position, while protective in the short term, often deepens our isolation and suffering over time.

Regarding medication - while it can be a valuable tool (and you should discuss this option with a qualified medical professional), it's important to understand that what you're experiencing isn't simply a chemical imbalance. It's a powerful spiritual and emotional wound that likely needs multiple approaches for healing.

I would gently suggest considering three paths forward:
1. Professional counseling to process your trauma
2. Spiritual direction with a trusted priest or spiritual advisor
3. Gradual steps toward rebuilding trust - both with God and others

Remember, even Mother Teresa experienced long periods of spiritual darkness and doubt. You're not alone in this struggle, and it doesn't make you any less faithful or worthy.

[kwikphilly]

6 hours ago, Figure of eighty said:

I seem to have an anger and sadness I can't let go. I went through an unexpected and disappointing experience ( don't want to talk about it ) 

 

I feel the more I hold on to it. The more it messes with me mentally, to the point I was having nightmares chronically every time I closed my eyes..but when I repented they stopped.. but it's like my mind can't let it go.. 

I keep God at Arms length, I don't trust him fully bc I don't want to be disappointed again so I just keep him far away.. 

 

I'm starting to feel hopeless and give up on myself.  Trying to trust triggers anxiety and anger.. 

 

Idk.. I probably just need meds.

Hello @Figure of eighty

 

I admire your courage to speak your truth,to be so candid and transparent- though not many people would open up on a public Forum as you have there are undoubtedly very many thst feel exactly as you do- I can assure you,you are not alone and no matter your anger or your unwillingness to " let go and Trust God" He Loves you no less for it..... that is GRACE

Perhaps you may wish to talk about the things you mentioned thst trouble you in private? If you'd like to share in pm then please feel free to msg me- Jesus Loves you in spite of yourself and I love you( in spite of MYSELF) but with the Love of Christ Jesus..... I pray you can love yourself in Christ and with the Grace of God

Today is Thanksgiving- holidays can be hard for folks,I'm glad you're here with us and I hear you---- I'm Giving Thanks today not for what I have or don't have,feel or don't feel but for what HE Has DONE for us,all of us,me- our Redeemer Lives

Have a Happy Thanksgiving from the bottom of my heart

With love in Christ,Kwik