Need marriage advice

[Nicole Williams]

Above all, you’re to be commended for confessing the truth with him. That took a great deal of humility and courage on your part, Amanda. I feel the best way to deal with this is to go for Christian marriage counseling together. It may take a while to see the change, but I suggest you to hold on to Christ during this time. I really hope things will get better with you and your husband soon. Praying for you – I Peter 5:7 - "Cast all your anxiety on Him, for He cares for you." Hugs!

[Jac]

On 11/2/2016 at 9:13 PM, Amanda Carroll said:

I appreciate all of your inputs. I guess I forgot to add that the truth came out and he knew everything before we married. Because of that I feel like he is holding on a little too strongly. If it was too much I feel he shouldn't have asked me to marry him. But here we are...

Amanda, all I can say is, there are no hard or fast rules in something like this. It is not about what he knew or you did not tell him. It is about unconditional love and unfortunately men, or women does not like to hear about past lovers, before or after the marriage.

Many people have asked if they should tell a partner about the past and almost every time, depending on some real special circumstances I told them no. You as a new Christian should know that the past is the past and better left alone especially if you started a new life in Christ. The past has no relevance in love.

When a couple start loving each other, it is a whole new life, but as soon as you divulge unsavory secrets from the past, you bring uncertainty into that new relationship because the human mind is unfortunately a very devious tool in conjuring up all kinds of vivid mental pictures and with that comes thoughts such as, "Will he or she do stuff like that again... How can I trust him or her?" It is also called jealousy (a tool Satan likes to use) and what makes it worse is when sometimes in the heat of the moment you throw something like these secrets in his or her face.

So before you listen to well meaning opinions, ask yourself this question and be very honest about it, "Is my marriage worth fighting for, and do I love him enough to really ask his forgiveness in telling him about the secrets and to communicate my unconditional love for him?" You also have to get him to open up to you and tell you about his fears and then you both have to decide if your love for each other is stronger than the past, and then you both have to decide to close the book on it, but... also to communicate openly and calmly if ever it comes to mind again.

A marriage is a holy contract before God, and each and every one of us has his or her baggage, but when you said for better or worse, you not only told each other that, you also told God that your commitment is total before Him.

There will be many ups and downs in your marriage but if your commitment to each other is complete, you will be able to weather all storms. Believe me because I've been at it for more than 42 years, and many a time I had to eat humble pie, whether I knew I was right or not, because I knew it was worth it.

I hope this will help you and if you wish to communicate some more, please feel free to do so and May God bless your marriage.

[Amanda Carroll]

Jac thank you so much for your long, deep, and very intelligent response. A lot of good stuff there. Thank you. That said...I never wanted to talk about or bring up the past...he is the one that brought it up. I agree fully with what you said about being completely new in Christ. And the love my husband and I have being a fresh brand new start. That's why it was so flooring to me when that conversation happened. I never expected him to ask me that. I thought him knowing that I am a completely different was all he needed. Because I see the day that I asked Jesus to take over my life, and the day I was baptized at my church, the beginning of my life. Not February 16th 1990. But the day I was baptized in His name...so that is why this has been so hard. Again, I really thank you for that response. That took some effort. Thank you so much for taking the time. 

[Willa]

Unless he is being reminded by his friends or family, he may be suffering from some self righteousness.  If the latter is the case, God will chasten him.  

Do try having devotions together, praying aloud together for each other, friends and family.   

[Mike 2]

There's a reason why your rear view mirror in your car is smaller than the windshield.

Where you're are going is more important than where you have been.

Dont put a big mirror in your marriage.

Focus on now and building towards the future, eventually the past will only be a vague memory

 

[Just a Mirror]

On 11/1/2016 at 7:41 PM, Amanda Carroll said:

So long story short, my husband of a little over a year cannot get over what my life was before I make a Christian(aka the many sexual partners I had). At he beginning I lied about the number because I was terrified of him leaving me, but eventually the truth came out. It hurts. He says he will never leave me but will never be able to forget it. I don't want to live my entire life knowing that. My entire life feeling dirty. I don't know what to do. 

It is not you with the problem, your husband has the problem....

Everyone has a past, some have things in their past they are not particularly proud of, God has forgiven you, so should your husband.  Your husband, if hes a believer, sounds as though he has yet to learn the moral of the story between God and Israel. If you look closely you will see that God was steadfast in His decision to have Israel be His people despite their many shortcomings. 

Your husband may need to reflect on his life and closely examine those things he may have not shared, that he may not be reminded.

"Let those without sin cast the first stone." "And from the oldest to the youngest, they cast away their stones and departed."

God is our only judge, moving forward is the way to peace, Believers need to remember what it is they have been forgiven before they judge another believer for what they have been forgiven. Sin is sin, only man places different values on each sin.

Go in peace.

[Ezra]

On 11/16/2016 at 0:40 PM, Jac said:

Many people have asked if they should tell a partner about the past and almost every time, depending on some real special circumstances I told them no.

That was wise.

[ruck1b]

On ‎11‎/‎1‎/‎2016 at 10:41 PM, Amanda Carroll said:

So long story short, my husband of a little over a year cannot get over what my life was before I make a Christian(aka the many sexual partners I had). At he beginning I lied about the number because I was terrified of him leaving me, but eventually the truth came out. It hurts. He says he will never leave me but will never be able to forget it. I don't want to live my entire life knowing that. My entire life feeling dirty. I don't know what to do. 

It would seem that your husband can't completely come to terms with your past.  Sadly, this is a burden that he is bearing and to the detriment of the relationship you have together.   Simply put you trusted your husband with a past he was not ready to bear.  This is no fault of your own, nor is it his.  That level of vulnerability should be had, with the knowledge that an equally matched security will be given.    I empathize with your pain, your spouse should be your best friend and one you can share anything with.    The only advice I can give is to offer the love and understanding to your husband that you desire he would give to you.   Hopefully the relationship that God desires for you both to have together can be realized. 

I will close with this and it may not be popular.  While your husband my not have fully come to terms with your past that does not give him the right to become emotionally abusive, nor give him any reason not to honor his vows.  Do not allow anything like that to become something consistent in your marriage.

Edited January 4, 2017 by ruck1b

[enoob57]

Two things to reason with
1. yesterday is sealed up in past...

2. Psalms 138:8 (KJV)

[8] The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.

we control nothing but ourselves in accounting to God and we do so by reliance of s/Spirit and obedience... and the present is all that we should give our energy toward utilizing the motivation toward godliness. Love of 1Cor 13 (God's) only seeks to build up and encourage... this we should focus our energy of life upon ourselves and others.  Love, Steven

[Neighbor]

http://www.nouthetic.org