What do I do? when? Help me please

[Remorseful]

Hello, I made this account for this one question to get feedback. I don’t know where else to go right now, I’m in tears writing. Please hear me out, I would appreciate it. I will make it as short as possible.

I’m a Christian guy who grew up in a textbook Christian home, the rule was simple in my mind, I believed, no kissing or “feeling” before marriage. I was solid on that and is what I believe today.

I always knew why it was wrong and steered away from any situation that would tempt me. I ended up in a close friendship at 15-16 and she knew my line in the sand. She said she wanted to kiss, I didn’t want to, she said okay and I told her I’d leave if she tried.

Her mom said to do something (after almost two years) or I would become uninterested and leave. She told me this. 

 I always wanted the help her any way I could. She told me about how she gets excited and asked me to help... I crossed my line. In my moment of the flesh, I helped excite her with my hand under the blanket, it was wrong and I knew it.  A couple days later I had my first kiss, the moment our lips touched I felt sick, I threw up.  I knew I should have waited and I could never get it back, I cried wondering “what have I done” I can’t get back any of it. I wish I could take it back, I’d do anything to take it back. I left her that night.

I dreaded the day I’d end up going into a relationship. I’d have to tell my future interest, I slipped up. That brings me to today. 5 years later. 

I’m 21 and I really like this girl, dare say I love her. She already has my heart after 6 months. We showed mutual interest and I talked to her dad and got the okay. Maybe I have already gone to far with not telling her.

Today we set the ground rules just between the two of us, she matched perfectly with my young self, wedding day kiss. I didn’t tell her anything, I should have. I’m crying now because I gave that part of me away, she was expecting it of me, she said she wants to save the first kiss for her wedding day.

I know I have to tell her and I will crush her heart more with every fleeting moment I keep this from her. 

My question to you readers now is how? how do you bring this up? I’m terrified, I never wanted to hurt her. I feel I don’t deserve her, I’m dirty. She is as innocent as it gets. 

Thank you for any of your comments. I will be reading every one.

 

**I don't know how to reply to your comments so I'll do that here**

Debp: you are right, i have confessed and asked for forgiveness for it and prayed id never be in the same situation again. thank you

Justin Adams: That's what I'm trying to figure out, i don't know when to discus this, is this to early-to late? I try and look from her perspective, i just know if i was her id want to know early. The big "I want the first kiss on the wedding day" is killing me, i dont want to keep her in the dark at a minimum about that. then be done with all of it. What is the confession of faith you where talking about? Thank you for your response.

Billiards Ball: Id say my guilt comes from the her hope for the first kiss at the alter, and I have given away what should be my future wives. Not to mention the other. thank you for your incite.

##

To All : I am going to start this relationship the right way, my biggest concern is to not hurt her. I don't want to hold something back she would wish could have been taken care of in the beginning. I don't want to keep secrets from her. I also don't want to tell her unnecessary information that would hurt her. I want to know where that line is. Should I just tell her, "I'm sorry, I have had my first kiss" and leave it at that? Do I dare ever mentioning the other thing?

I have been praying about this all day, I will be talking with her again this evening.

Thanks for your feedback.

Edited September 19, 2019 by Remorseful
More accurate now, answered in edit

[Debp]

If all you did was just give a kiss to the first girl, I don't think you should consider yourself dirty.   (You are probably feeling guilty over the other thing you did.)   Since you feel such guilt over this, have you confessed it to the Lord?   If you have, then you are cleansed and seen as righteous in God's eyes.   Simply accept your forgiveness and cleansing.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.   1 John 1:9.

 

[Justin Adams]

You seem like an honorable person. 

Just tell her you once kissed a girl and leave it at that.

If you read Animal Farm you will see the trap we can fall into. There are things you might confess to your Priest or Minister that you should NEVER confess to your wife or girlfriend.

Confess to the Lord and be done with it. Let Him put the past behind you and you do likewise.

In your confession of faith to you intended spouse, make sure that the past is done with and over and that you are looking to a bright future. Do not let ha-satan and his nasty little slime-balls get you into a guilt-spasm.

All have sinned and fallen short. Confess, repent and forget - God does, so are you better than Him?

No! Move on in hope. Blessings...

Edited September 19, 2019 by Justin Adams

[Billiards Ball]

9 hours ago, Remorseful said:

Hello, I made this account for this one question to get feedback. I don’t know where else to go right now, I’m in tears writing. Please hear me out, I would appreciate it. I will make it as short as possible.

I’m a Christian guy who grew up in a textbook Christian home, the rule was simple in my mind, I believed, no kissing or “feeling” before marriage. I was solid on that and is what I believe today.

I always knew why it was wrong and steered away from any situation that would tempt me. I ended up in a close friendship at 15-16 and she knew my line in the sand. She said she wanted to kiss, I didn’t want to, she said okay and I told her I’d leave if she tried.

Her mom said to do something (after almost two years) or I would become uninterested and leave. She told me this. 

 I always wanted the help her any way I could. She told me about how she gets excited and asked me to help... I crossed my line. In my moment of the flesh, I helped excite her with my hand under the blanket, it was wrong and I knew it.  A couple days later I had my first kiss, the moment our lips touched I felt sick, I threw up.  I knew I should have waited and I could never get it back, I cried wondering “what have I done” I can’t get back any of it. I wish I could take it back, I’d do anything to take it back. I left her that night.

I dreaded the day I’d end up going into a relationship. I’d have to tell my future interest, I slipped up. That brings me to today. 5 years later. 

I’m 21 and I really like this girl, dare say I love her. She already has my heart after 6 months. We showed mutual interest and I talked to her dad and got the okay. Maybe I have already gone to far with not telling her.

Today we set the ground rules just between the two of us, she matched perfectly with my young self, wedding day kiss. I didn’t tell her anything, I should have. I’m crying now because I gave that part of me away, she was expecting it of me, she said she wants to save the first kiss for her wedding day.

I know I have to tell her and I will crush her heart more with every fleeting moment I keep this from her. 

My question to you readers now is how? how do you bring this up? I’m terrified, I never wanted to hurt her. I feel I don’t deserve her, I’m dirty. She is as innocent as it gets. 

Thank you for any of your comments. I will be reading every one.

"I made a mistake some years ago, because even we Christians make mistakes. Since that mistake, I've kept myself pure."

If she wants to know the details of your mistake, and you tell her, she will VERY likely forgive you, just as Christ already has. I realize the mistake was more than a kiss and that you allowed her to use you for her lustful purposes.

By the way, this is the sort of mistake you'd tell a fiancee or potential fiancee only, not someone you've just begun courting.

And, your shame seems quite too much. Guilt is "I did this Lord, I repent, thanks for forgiving me for this years ago." Shame is something else.

Edited September 19, 2019 by Billiards Ball

[ReneeIW]

Your post is identical to what Jack Deere wrote in his  book called Even In Our Darkness. It's almost as if it were copied and pasted from an ebook. I'm not accusing you of that, I'm just bringing it up because maybe his book will help you since he struggled with the same thing.

I don't recommend the book overall, but he spends a lot of time talking about  this exact thing (too much time IMO)and it turns out his girlfriend had lied to him and was not even a virgin. 

I think if you have confessed it  to God, you should move on and stop worrying about it. "Be anxious for nothing..."

[Who me]

5 years ago you had a kiss, which you have regretted and confessed to God and have been forgiven by God.

It is dealt with thrown as far as the east is from the west.

I would suggest talking to her about it. Not to clear your consience but for you both to discover how you handle disapointment and disagreement.

If she storms off, throwing plates, trees, vases and small animals/children you will learn about her temper and inability to argue sencibly.

Yes she will be disapointed, that is part of what married life is about, being disapointed by the failures of the one you love and still loving them.

[JTC]

On 9/19/2019 at 12:37 AM, Remorseful said:

Thanks for your feedback.

If this girl is the right girl then this won't be a deal breaker. If she walks away because of this 1 mistake then let her go, marriage is tough and there will be fights. I agree with you that you need to tell her before you get married. If you tell her afterwards she might feel tricked & betrayed. I can't help you with how to tell her bc I don't know her. But it sounds like you 2 have a good re-pore I think you can handle it. 

[AnOrangeCat]

I have to agree with what others have said. But best of luck to you with this relationship!

[Prycejosh1987]

On 9/19/2019 at 5:37 AM, Remorseful said:

A couple days later I had my first kiss, the moment our lips touched I felt sick, I threw up.  I knew I should have waited and I could never get it back, I cried wondering “what have I done” I can’t get back any of it. I wish I could take it back, I’d do anything to take it back. I left her that night.

There is no problem with kissing your partner that is not sin, snogging might be, but i cannot talk about what the bible doesnt because that would be heresy.