Frustrated.

[Figure of eighty]

Im at the point I dont think my life will get any better. I try my best to make advances to be independent and leave my parents but I keep getting set back. 

 

Example. During this pandemic I was helping My mom, I was givinf her 200-300 a week and as a result couldnt save. Meanwhile my dad refused to work and when he did he kept his money but my mom kept begging me to help ( it was no problem bc I love my mom ofc) but when she no longer needed my help. I only had 300 saved.  But that quickly dwindled bc I had to pay my baby sitter and uber to and from work.. Even though I have a car. I let My mom use it mostly. 

 

Now for yesterday, I started a new job and it was pretty smooth and easy but when I got home it got worse. 

 

So I ubered to work and asked my mom if she could pick me up. I told her twice in advanced. Once at 7a and another at 11a and I didnt even ask her. I asked if she could ask amd remind My dad to get me. My dad loves to do the least as possible. 

 

They came an hour late and my dad was on the passenger side and kept going pn abt how he wasnt gonna pick me up -- so my mom who works 20 hrs a day ended up doing it. My mom yelled at me called me ungrateful,I dont do anything with my little brother and a bunch of other stuff.

 

It made me feel frustrated bc I try my best to be independent-- esp with transportation ( I had a car but it was old and I used it as a dwn payment for the currnt car but my mom uses it mostly as she should she pays thr note) 

 

But im just annoyed bc my mom lashed out on me but not so much on my dad. I do things my dad should do , like skth my little bro I take him to get his hait cut and go to the pool, out for ice cream...my mom yelled I dont so it enough. Then I helped alot finacially during the pa demic and worked over time while my dad sat on his duff..l..i just feel my mom enables and coddles my dad. 

 

I dont mind helping but im the only one it seems. When my dad did work for 3 days..he was allowd to keep his money im starting to get a little bitter at my mom bc she coddles my dad and enables him. 

 

 

[Jedi4Yahweh]

This one of those situations where you need to pray and ask God for help and he will.   Sounds like your in a difficult place and I know family can be difficult to deal with at times.  Just dont grow weary in doing good and blessing your family because God is watching and will reward you despite how they treat you.    We have to love and honor our parents and God is going to bless you when you do.

Edited July 17, 2020 by Jedi4Yahweh

[Knotical]

Out of curiosity, how far away do you live from your place of work?  Is it possibly close enough to either take the bus, walk, or ride a bike?  I have never used an Uber, but I imagine it can't be all that cheap.

[Daniel Marsh]

8 hours ago, Figure of eighty said:

Im at the point I dont think my life will get any better. I try my best to make advances to be independent and leave my parents but I keep getting set back. 

 

Example. During this pandemic I was helping My mom, I was givinf her 200-300 a week and as a result couldnt save. Meanwhile my dad refused to work and when he did he kept his money but my mom kept begging me to help ( it was no problem bc I love my mom ofc) but when she no longer needed my help. I only had 300 saved.  But that quickly dwindled bc I had to pay my baby sitter and uber to and from work.. Even though I have a car. I let My mom use it mostly. 

 

Now for yesterday, I started a new job and it was pretty smooth and easy but when I got home it got worse. 

 

So I ubered to work and asked my mom if she could pick me up. I told her twice in advanced. Once at 7a and another at 11a and I didnt even ask her. I asked if she could ask amd remind My dad to get me. My dad loves to do the least as possible. 

 

They came an hour late and my dad was on the passenger side and kept going pn abt how he wasnt gonna pick me up -- so my mom who works 20 hrs a day ended up doing it. My mom yelled at me called me ungrateful,I dont do anything with my little brother and a bunch of other stuff.

 

It made me feel frustrated bc I try my best to be independent-- esp with transportation ( I had a car but it was old and I used it as a dwn payment for the currnt car but my mom uses it mostly as she should she pays thr note) 

 

But im just annoyed bc my mom lashed out on me but not so much on my dad. I do things my dad should do , like skth my little bro I take him to get his hait cut and go to the pool, out for ice cream...my mom yelled I dont so it enough. Then I helped alot finacially during the pa demic and worked over time while my dad sat on his duff..l..i just feel my mom enables and coddles my dad. 

 

I dont mind helping but im the only one it seems. When my dad did work for 3 days..he was allowed to keep his money im starting to get a little bitter at my mom bc she coddles my dad and enables him. 

 

 

I bet he is spending the money on things he should not.  

[Daniel Marsh]

Is there someone you can carpool with?

[Marilyn C]

14 hours ago, Figure of eighty said:

Im at the point I dont think my life will get any better. I try my best to make advances to be independent and leave my parents but I keep getting set back. 

 

Example. During this pandemic I was helping My mom, I was givinf her 200-300 a week and as a result couldnt save. Meanwhile my dad refused to work and when he did he kept his money but my mom kept begging me to help ( it was no problem bc I love my mom ofc) but when she no longer needed my help. I only had 300 saved.  But that quickly dwindled bc I had to pay my baby sitter and uber to and from work.. Even though I have a car. I let My mom use it mostly. 

 

Now for yesterday, I started a new job and it was pretty smooth and easy but when I got home it got worse. 

 

So I ubered to work and asked my mom if she could pick me up. I told her twice in advanced. Once at 7a and another at 11a and I didnt even ask her. I asked if she could ask amd remind My dad to get me. My dad loves to do the least as possible. 

 

They came an hour late and my dad was on the passenger side and kept going pn abt how he wasnt gonna pick me up -- so my mom who works 20 hrs a day ended up doing it. My mom yelled at me called me ungrateful,I dont do anything with my little brother and a bunch of other stuff.

 

It made me feel frustrated bc I try my best to be independent-- esp with transportation ( I had a car but it was old and I used it as a dwn payment for the currnt car but my mom uses it mostly as she should she pays thr note) 

 

But im just annoyed bc my mom lashed out on me but not so much on my dad. I do things my dad should do , like skth my little bro I take him to get his hait cut and go to the pool, out for ice cream...my mom yelled I dont so it enough. Then I helped alot finacially during the pa demic and worked over time while my dad sat on his duff..l..i just feel my mom enables and coddles my dad. 

 

I dont mind helping but im the only one it seems. When my dad did work for 3 days..he was allowd to keep his money im starting to get a little bitter at my mom bc she coddles my dad and enables him. 

 

 

Hi Figure of eighty,

Glad you shared with us. I do appreciate what you are saying and have some thoughts that may help you.

Firstly you are blessed to have a child, parents who give you shelter, and work that you can do. So lots of good things there.

Then it seems that there are some things and attitudes that are frustrating you. Now we need to remember that the Lord`s purpose is to change us to like Himself - faithful, kind, caring, compassionate, longsuffering, trustworthy, truthful etc. these we work on every day. It is easier to see other people`s bad attitudes than really to see our own. Thus I would suggest you stop looking at things from your perspective and learn to not be judgmental, (none of us are perfect) and learn to see from other people`s perspective.

Your good parents have given you a home, (even though you would like to be out on your own). So tell them sometimes that you appreciate them having you there while you are trying to get on your feet. Then ask your mother what specific jobs you can do that would help her. I see she also has a job. Then there would be jobs at home, - cleaning, vacuuming. cooking, washing, shopping etc. This shows your appreciation and not just doing what YOU think helps.

If you keep going the way you are you will get bitter, (as you also said) and that destroys not only yourself but other relationships. You are too busy judging your father, (whether he is helping or not is not the point), it is his home and you are there as an adult and need to be thankful to him. Try and build a relationship again with your father by being grateful for being not only in his home but that he and your mother brought you up all those years.

praying, Marilyn.

 

[Who me]

17 hours ago, Figure of eighty said:

During this pandemic I was helping My mom, I was givinf her 200-300 a week and as a result couldnt save. Meanwhile my dad refused to work and when he did he kept his money but my mom kept begging me to help ( it was no problem bc I love my mom ofc) but when she no longer needed my help. I only had 300 saved.  But that quickly dwindled bc I had to pay my baby sitter and uber to and from work.. Even though I have a car. I let My mom use it mostly. 

 

Do you get paid in cash or straight into your bank account.

If the latter set up a standing order with your bank to pay into an online saving account. Set it up so it is the first payment made after your pay goes in.

Set up another standing order to pay your mum rent.

Draw out from a cash point what ever you need to pay child minder bus fares etc etc.

I would suggest talking to your dad about his responsibility to support his family.

 

Save hard and get out.

[AnOrangeCat]

17 hours ago, Figure of eighty said:

Im at the point I dont think my life will get any better. I try my best to make advances to be independent and leave my parents but I keep getting set back. 

 

Example. During this pandemic I was helping My mom, I was givinf her 200-300 a week and as a result couldnt save. Meanwhile my dad refused to work and when he did he kept his money but my mom kept begging me to help ( it was no problem bc I love my mom ofc) but when she no longer needed my help. I only had 300 saved.  But that quickly dwindled bc I had to pay my baby sitter and uber to and from work.. Even though I have a car. I let My mom use it mostly. 

 

Now for yesterday, I started a new job and it was pretty smooth and easy but when I got home it got worse. 

 

So I ubered to work and asked my mom if she could pick me up. I told her twice in advanced. Once at 7a and another at 11a and I didnt even ask her. I asked if she could ask amd remind My dad to get me. My dad loves to do the least as possible. 

 

They came an hour late and my dad was on the passenger side and kept going pn abt how he wasnt gonna pick me up -- so my mom who works 20 hrs a day ended up doing it. My mom yelled at me called me ungrateful,I dont do anything with my little brother and a bunch of other stuff.

 

It made me feel frustrated bc I try my best to be independent-- esp with transportation ( I had a car but it was old and I used it as a dwn payment for the currnt car but my mom uses it mostly as she should she pays thr note) 

 

But im just annoyed bc my mom lashed out on me but not so much on my dad. I do things my dad should do , like skth my little bro I take him to get his hait cut and go to the pool, out for ice cream...my mom yelled I dont so it enough. Then I helped alot finacially during the pa demic and worked over time while my dad sat on his duff..l..i just feel my mom enables and coddles my dad. 

 

I dont mind helping but im the only one it seems. When my dad did work for 3 days..he was allowd to keep his money im starting to get a little bitter at my mom bc she coddles my dad and enables him. 

Rough position to be in. I've had my own share of struggles for independence and issues with relatives. One of the things I've taken from it all is that these frustrations will be a part of your life for as long as you let them. The dynamic between your mother and father has been going on for a long time. You probably can't change it. So your options are to either adjust your expectations and get to the point where this stuff doesn't bother you or you start to distance yourself from them until you find a comfortable spot where you get enough contact while minimizing your exposure to the frustrating elements. It's really admirable that you want to help out your family, but having been through similar I feel like giving money to them can also be a form of enabling. If you feel like you're consistently giving way more to them than you're receiving in return then it's probably going to put a strain on the relationship at some point. It's tricky because sometimes taking yourself out of the picture and just giving is the right thing to do. Sometimes it's probably not. It's one of those things you have to pray for wisdom about.

[LonerAndy]

On 7/16/2020 at 11:17 AM, Figure of eighty said:

Im at the point I dont think my life will get any better. I try my best to make advances to be independent and leave my parents but I keep getting set back.

Example. During this pandemic I was helping My mom, I was givinf her 200-300 a week and as a result couldnt save. Meanwhile my dad refused to work and when he did he kept his money but my mom kept begging me to help ( it was no problem bc I love my mom ofc) but when she no longer needed my help. I only had 300 saved.  But that quickly dwindled bc I had to pay my baby sitter and uber to and from work.. Even though I have a car. I let My mom use it mostly.

Now for yesterday, I started a new job and it was pretty smooth and easy but when I got home it got worse.

So I ubered to work and asked my mom if she could pick me up. I told her twice in advanced. Once at 7a and another at 11a and I didnt even ask her. I asked if she could ask amd remind My dad to get me. My dad loves to do the least as possible.

They came an hour late and my dad was on the passenger side and kept going pn abt how he wasnt gonna pick me up -- so my mom who works 20 hrs a day ended up doing it. My mom yelled at me called me ungrateful,I dont do anything with my little brother and a bunch of other stuff

It made me feel frustrated bc I try my best to be independent-- esp with transportation ( I had a car but it was old and I used it as a dwn payment for the currnt car but my mom uses it mostly as she should she pays thr note)

But im just annoyed bc my mom lashed out on me but not so much on my dad. I do things my dad should do , like skth my little bro I take him to get his hait cut and go to the pool, out for ice cream...my mom yelled I dont so it enough. Then I helped alot finacially during the pa demic and worked over time while my dad sat on his duff..l..i just feel my mom enables and coddles my dad.

I dont mind helping but im the only one it seems. When my dad did work for 3 days..he was allowd to keep his money im starting to get a little bitter at my mom bc she coddles my dad and enables him.

What you are describing here, is an extremely toxic relationship.  Borderline child abuse.

Why is your mom, using your car?  Your car, is for you, to get to work, without Uber.

And her calling you ungrateful, when she's using your car, is abusive.  And I would take the keys, and never let her use your car again.

And you can't get bitter at your mother.  You by staying there, and allowing this to all happen... you are just as guilty as anyone else.

What your parents are doing, isn't a surprise to you.  It's not like you didn't know what they are like... yet you are allowing them to use you.  That's on you.

I had a co-worker who was in this exact situation, where his parents were acting crazy, and he was working really hard, and they were just flat out taking advantage of him.

He finally just left the home.  Got a cheap low-budget apartment.   He told me how much freedom, and how a weight was lifted off him, and burden of life just vanished, just from getting his own place, even if it was a tiny dinky little apartment.  He could have moved out even 3 or 4 years before.  But he didn't.  He stayed in the crazy for years.

Most of the time in life, people find they are in a prison of their own making.  A prison they could have walked out of, any time they wished, but for whatever reason remained in it for years.

You can't complain you are not saving money, when you are giving your money to your parents.  You can't complain about your father, when you already know what both your parents are like, and you are choosing to support them.

Every bit of this, is on you.  You have to decide you want to have freedom, and a life.

[R. Hartono]

Be brave like Daniel in Babylon.

Pray for your parents.