An Emotionally Abusive Person

[LadyKay]

My mother in law is emotionally abusive to me. Anything I tell her she finds fault with and endlessly criticizes. I find that I am unable to talk to her about anything without her bashing it is some way. For example, if I tell her I am making homemade bread, she will tell me what a waste of time it is when you can just go to the store and buy bread. And can not understand why I would spend my time making bread.  We once got into a heated argument over a pizza dough recipe that I was using. Because she makes her pizza dough another way,  and if I am not making it her way then my way is wrong. It is endless, none stop criticizing. She gossips about other people about all their faults. Most of these people I do not even know. Anyway, after she went off on my 15 year old daughter for cutting her hair. Telling her she wasn't going to get a boyfriend with her hair cut like that.  Then jumping me for allowing my daughter to cut her hair they way she wanted it cut.  I decided I have to limited my time with this person. But now she is made because I am not calling her on the phone and talking to her. I feel bad about this. But her endless harping is just too much at times. It seems any topic can lead to an argument or endless criticizing. She even brings up stiff that happen 10 or 15 years ago and criticizes me about it all over again.  But now she is mad because I am not calling her on the phone. And I feel bad about it but it is just so hard to do. Sometimes I just don't have the emotional energy to endure the criticism.

Edited March 2, 2021 by LadyKay

[OneLight]

Through many avenues I've accepted that people who put others down do so to make themselves feel better about who they are.  In other word, they have low self esteem, not able to truly like who they are.  Instead of changing who they are, they belittle others to make them seem less then themselves.   Be grateful it is your mother in law and not your spouse. 

[Regenerated-Adult]

The best advice I could give is, "love your neighbour as yourself".  It's the 2nd commandment after all.  Jesus wouldn't have said that if he didn't mean it.

[Justin Adams]

21 minutes ago, LadyKay said:

Sometimes I just don't have the emotional energy to endure the criticism.

I feel for you because I have experienced that a little. There is no 'quick fix' but a certain distance probably feels very nice on occasion.

[missmuffet]

47 minutes ago, LadyKay said:

My mother in law is emotionally abusive to me. Anything I tell her she finds fault with and endlessly criticizes. I find that I am unable to talk to her about anything without her bashing it is some way. For example, if I tell her I am making homemade bread, she will tell me what a waste of time it is when you can just go to the store and buy bread. And can not understand why I would spend my time making bread.  We once got into a heated argument over a pizza dough recipe that I was using. Because she makes her pizza dough another way,  and if I am not making it her way then my way is wrong. It is endless, none stop criticizing. She gossips about other people about all their faults. Most of these people I do not even know. Anyway, after she went off on my 15 year old daughter for cutting her hair. Telling her she wasn't going to get a boyfriend with her hair cut like that.  Then jumping me for allowing my daughter to cut her hair they way she wanted it cut.  I decided I have to limited my time with this person. But now she is made because I am not calling her on the phone and talking to her. I feel bad about this. But her endless harping is just too much at times. It seems any topic can lead to an argument or endless criticizing. She even brings up stiff that happen 10 or 15 years ago and criticizes me about it all over again.  But now she is mad because I am not calling her on the phone. And I feel bad about it but it is just so hard to do. Sometimes I just don't have the emotional energy to endure the criticism.

Have you spoken to your husband about his mother and how difficult she is to be around? Is it possible to not be around this toxic person? You need to pray for her. 

[Hands On]

This is the best overly opinioned anti- mother-in-law vaccine I can offer thanks to : psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201512/5

"How can you effectively handle difficult relatives who insist on imposing their views? Below are five important keys, with references from my book, How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People. Not all of the tips below may apply to your particular situation. Simply use what works and leave the rest.

1.  Set Boundaries Diplomatically

When a relative insists on levying her or his opinion onto you, respond assertively and diplomatically with “I” and “It” statements. For example, if someone says to you: “When are you going to settle down?” respond with any combination of the following:

“I prefer to focus on other priorities right now.”

“I prefer not to have attachments right now.”

“It’s important for me to take the time I need before settling down.”

“It doesn’t work for me to settle down right now.”

“I made a promise to myself that I will establish myself before settling down.”

What these “I” and “It” statements have in common is that they are more difficult to outright disagree with. After all, you’re simply exercising your own choice as an adult. Should a relative insist on grilling you, avoid getting defensive by engaging in arguments or giving justifications. Instead, say briefly and succinctly, “It’s my choice.” Repeat the short “I” and “It” statements until the difficult relative gives up.

2.  Say: “Thank You” to Terminate the Topic

An effective way to halt unsolicited advice is simply to say “thank you” in a firm tone of voice. It’s a polite and yet powerful way to indicate that you no longer wish to discuss the matter. You can use “thank you” as part of a diplomatic and/or assertive statement. For example:

“I appreciate your input. THANK YOU.”

“I’m okay with the way things are, but THANK YOU.”

“I’m happy with my decision right now, but THANK YOU.”

How long can an opinionated relative keep up with her or his jabber if you keep saying “thank you”? Probably not much.

3.  Change the Topic

If a stubborn relative doesn’t take your diplomatic hints, and continues to pursue an unwelcome issue, take control of the situation by changing the topic. You can do this easily by posing questions of a completely different nature back to the relative (pick a subject she or he will enjoy talking about). Or, if you’re in a group environment, ask your question to someone else. Cut off the stream of unsolicited advice, and redirect the focus."

 

[leah777]

Would it work to have a fixed day and time to call her, at your convenience, and then you know when you will interact and can rebut her saying you don't call.

I expect whenever you call won't be enough etc, but it puts a framework around interaction.

 

[Who me]

1 hour ago, LadyKay said:

feel bad about this. But her endless harping is just too much at times. It seems any topic can lead to an argument or

 

You have been given good advice about how to limit and how to set boundaries.

I would add, talk to your husband. He was brought up by her and will know all too well how distructive her constant criticism is.

You need to establish a common front, may be he can explain how distressing you find her endless negativity, that she never has anything nice to say about anyone or anything.

Unfortunately I doubt whether she can change, so when you ring her at! He agreed weekly times, do not argue or dispute anything, just agree.

 

However I think you should both talk to her and explain that her negativity towards her grandchildren will drive them away from her.

That if she wants them to want to come and see her, she needs to be welcoming towards them and what hey have or are doing.

 

Possible have the phone on ' speaker ' while calling her and ask a grandchild to come and say hello, only for them to make aloud comment about not wanting to come and be run down for nothing.

Hearing her grandchildren reacting negatively may be the shock to make her think.

 

Do try to talk to her and pray for her.

[Riverwalker]

Separating yourself from a toxic situation is sometimes necessary. And in familial relationships sometimes it better to let someone else try to reach the person you are having trouble with.

But I would try once to explain to her (if you haven't already) why you are avoiding her, and if it is in her, to change, she will think on it and decide. Does she want to be her old crabby self, or does she want a relationship with you. Don't subject yourself to the abuse of others simply to placate them, it never works.  Misery likes company but nobody wants to be the company of Misery.

I would say distancing yourself from her is the only right move, and the only move that can result in you refinding and redefining your relationship

[1to3]

2 hours ago, LadyKay said:

But now she is mad because I am not calling her on the phone. And I feel bad about it but it is just so hard to do. Sometimes I just don't have the emotional energy to endure the criticism.

If she is upset that you not calling her, that means she does value your calls.

She may not realize how negative or how much she criticizes. Perhaps she was brought up that way. I know that this problem with your mother in law has been going on for years, so its not likely to change, unless God works through her and you through praying about it, and keep praying about it.

One thing you can keep gratitude for, is that you no longer live in her house. After the phone call with her, you are free in your own home from her. She is your husbands mother so it is a difficult position to be in, but I can see you trying to accommodate and as a christian being kind in the face of nasty is not easy but God sees your efforts and so does your husband. I would just continue to pray about it.

Placing your mother on speaker pone is a good idea, in the sense that if she says anything bad, all will hear her. also you can do other things while she is speaking, like cleaning up the kitchen or something, so your energy goes into something positive.

One thing that I would always bring to my mind, especially when she begins to stress you out is, Hallelujah  Praise God! , you no longer live with her. And keep praying for her and for Gods plan of Salvation, Mercy and Grace through Gods only begotten Son Christ Jesus to touch her complete with His plan of Mercy and Grace. Amen!

who knows, maybe one day when her time has come, maybe on her death bed, she will thank you that despite herself, you never gave up on her and always remained a kind daughter in-law even when she was being difficult. You just never know. For God, be kind anyway.

 

 

 

Edited March 2, 2021 by 1to3