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True forgiveness

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#1
PurpleDee

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I've wondered a long time now about the difference between forgiving, and just letting it go, not letting it bug me.

My pastor told me that forgiving someone is truly a spiritual experience. One that God has a hand in. It is not something we do on our own.

Talk shows say forgiving let's you move on, that the anger you feel toward the person doesn't eat at you any longer.

I wonder if I have forgiven, or if I only stuff it all waaaayyyy down. I certainly don't feel like I've had a spiritual experience, but I don't feel angry either. Maybe I'm just burnt out from caring so much. Because really, I just. Don't. Care.

And here is a harder one, (I think). If someone hurts your child, how much is yours to forgive? I wasn't hurt directly, I suppose the trust was destroyed, the family destroyed, but what am I forgiving exactly? I can't forgive the real sin, it wasn't committed against me. And btw if anyone has any idea how to explain this to others, particularly non-Christians, I'd love to hear it.

Thanks for any input
D
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#2
AugustMay

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I have experienced true forgiveness before and it is very hard to do.  It was not something that had hurt my child but it was something that I had a hard time dealing with


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#3
jerseychild

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Excellent on the whole.


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#4
BeauJangles

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Hi, Dee. True forgiveness is not an easy thing for most us to do. It takes determination... And a lot of effort. I think it's even more difficult, when the offending person does not ask forgiveness of you. That can really tear you up inside. However, forgiveness is not a suggestion, it is a commandment. Of  course a loving parent such as yourself, would find forgiveness extremely hard to see your child wrongfully hurt. I believe a mother's heart is aligned with the children they brought into this world. A violation to your children, also violates you. I also believe that forgiveness is a decision and not necessarily a feeling. It takes work to accomplish this. Just as it takes effort to love someone who is difficult to be love... It is also a decision. It takes tenacity and perseverance. It is the will of God concerning all of us.

Shalom.

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(KJV) Luke 6:36-37  [36] Be ye, therefore, merciful, as your Father also is merciful. [37] Judge not, and ye shall not be judged; condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned; forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.


Edited by BeauJangles, 09 June 2014 - 09:00 AM.

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#5
LoveGeneration

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I've wondered a long time now about the difference between forgiving, and just letting it go, not letting it bug me.

My pastor told me that forgiving someone is truly a spiritual experience. One that God has a hand in. It is not something we do on our own.

Talk shows say forgiving let's you move on, that the anger you feel toward the person doesn't eat at you any longer.

I wonder if I have forgiven, or if I only stuff it all waaaayyyy down. I certainly don't feel like I've had a spiritual experience, but I don't feel angry either. Maybe I'm just burnt out from caring so much. Because really, I just. Don't. Care.

 

Very good question.

 

In my opinion, forgiveness is when you forget. If you wake up every morning thinking about what that person did to you, you haven't forgiven them. You need to no longer holding a grudge against that person, and you need let it go. Not just consciously, but in your heart as well. For instance, you may think you have forgiven someone because you made a conscious effort to forgive them in your mind, but whenever you see that person, you feel a tiny bit of loathing in your heart, which means you have not forgiven them yet. Now, as for how to know whether you have forgiven someone or not... I would say that you need to talk to that person and ask God for guidance as well. My dad always tells me to apologize to the person, regardless of who hurt who, and that's one way to show forgiveness. Also, if you practice agape love, forgiveness should be second nature to you. If you're still struggling with forgiving and letting go, then you need to not focus on building your forgiving nature, but building your "love nature". As soon as you learn to love, you'll learn to forgive. 

 

 

And here is a harder one, (I think). If someone hurts your child, how much is yours to forgive? I wasn't hurt directly, I suppose the trust was destroyed, the family destroyed, but what am I forgiving exactly? I can't forgive the real sin, it wasn't committed against me. And btw if anyone has any idea how to explain this to others, particularly non-Christians, I'd love to hear it.

 

If you are personally affected by the event, and feel any kind of hatred or loathing to the person, then you also need to forgive them. Forgiveness is not only when someone does something wrong to you directly, but if they hurt you in any way (even through your child) and you are no longer able to love them, you need to forgive them. In addition, trying to explain this to non-Christians will be very difficult, because they have not inherited God's love, therefore they are more likely to hold grudges and not let go. If I were you, I would preach salvation to them first before trying to teach them how to forgive, otherwise you're fighting a losing battle. 


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#6
Cletus

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For me a good portion of forgivness is for me so that I dont harbor bitterness towards someone. Because it just gets worse and worse and its better to pull weeds before they get big and the roots dig in good.
Sometimes when i really do need to forgive someone but i find i cant i just say please help and God takes it. God wont issue a command if there is no way for us to do it. Nothing is impossible with God. He makes the crooked straight.
If you think you may have unforgivness in your heart purpledee, I recommend searching your heart. My favorite time to search my heart is right before I go to sleep when I am laying in bed no lights. This way its quiet. I ask God to show me any unforgivness so I can repent and I ask for Him to show me whats in me He wants gone. He told us to love and if we make a move in that direction He will help us.

As a child I was hurt. Abused really. If someone hurts your kid get your kid out of that situation as soon as you can and keepmthem out of it. It really messes up a kids head. Even if you have to be poor. Jesus spoke directly about those who offend one of these little ones( kjv for kids)
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#7
keygirl

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hey, i have battled with that same thing, i dont know how to forgive i believe i forgive but the memory still lingers so i wonder is it that i have forgiven or am i just pushing it under the rug in other words letting go?. but i always try to remind myself by using the word of God that we should forgive 70*7


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#8
Loving

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    Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. - :) !!!

Purple Dee, cordial greetings to you,

I am writing you in respect of how to understand/recognize/to be sure that i/you have indeed fully forgiven the person who transgressed towards me/you or your child.
Forgivingness anyway only possible through God's Love lively within our spiritual hearts and being.. 

From my own experience: I know that with "bigger issues" one can, after having managed the act of forgiving, yes, sometimes it's a whole process because this forgivingness is not only an act over 1 transgression situation/means an abstract situation or thing happened, but it is also an issue within the relationship between me/you and the opposite person who did me/you wrong/who was hurtefull to me/you.  

So, this relationship, in which forgiving has already taken place, this relationship can have become fragile and delicate but still is existing/wants eventually to be maintained; hopefully a soon and active reconsiliation takes place, has taken place, without the spoken out reconsiliation, no piece and understanding and no continuation/love flow is possible again within this relationship. In this reconsiliation talk, of course the transgressing person has to take over his/her responsibility of having hurt me/you/child. this is a must, because pain has happened and is/was existing and therefore needs a recognition of it in the way that the doer of pain is acknoledging his/her transgression. In this process i will then not feel angry anymore, but the same emotion of being angry turns into the emotion of feeling pitty for the same person and i pretend, only in this very moment a true forgiving and a kind of settling of the problem is possible to come.

Now, how can i/you discern that the process of forgivingness is done/is over towards my/your transgressor:
as soon as i can again - like in a "normal" "functioning" relationships, as soon as i can again have positive thoughts and as i can do good/means labours of love to the former transgressing person and this is of course what i very much wish and pray for you, to come soon and at the right moment which will be determined in God's healing process with you.

Shalom, Loving   
(PS. sorry about my english, my mother tongue is swiss german ;)


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#9
enoob57

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Forgiveness is directly tied into The Person of Jesus and completely sustained
in His Essence called Love...
1Cor 13 Perfectly frames the how forgiveness is accomplished.
Love, Steven
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#10
kwikphilly

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Blessings Purple Dee...

    Good topic & one to give serious attention too as our Brother Beau has lovingly reminded us that forgiveness is not a mere suggestion that our Lord has made but a command,as is to love one another.............Honesty,I don't think by our own efforts we are truly capable of either ......The spirit of unforgiveness can stay well hidden in the hearts of men & is not the easiest to forsake,only by submitting fully to Christ the Holy Spirit will reveal to us what our reservations are,we must be willing to die to ones self in order to receive the Heart & Mind of Christ......this is why we are to love the Lord with all our heart,our mind & our soul and put Him First................(He will do the rest.).............we have to be willing to surrender all

                                                                                                                               With love-in Christ,Kwik


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#11
PurpleDee

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Thanks to all
I am feeling better about this now having read the replies. I do not harbour anger or resentment, and I am able to pray for blessings for the person. I am no longer in relationship with him, but I'm fairly sure that I don't need to be I order to have forgiven him. Although some around me seem to think that forgiveness means going back, and have tried to shame me with this like its a lack of faith or something.
I still don't FEEL like something spiritual has happened to me, but I don't think I could be in this place without The Lord andHis spirit. So I guess something spiritual has happened, guess I was just hoping for...some big aha moment, or fireworks or something. Lol
As for my girl, one day she will have to cross this bridge for herself. I pray I'll be able to guide her along.
Thanks again for the thoughtful posts.
Peace
D
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#12
patrick1963

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Forgiving and forgetting are very different. You can forgive but can't forget because everyday you see him or her you remember what he or she has done to you and that is when we need God strength in handling the angry and pain that comes with part that you can forget what he or he did to you and with prayer God will give you the grace to handle your frustration and in time it will be okay just like a hot red iron that get so cold like ice when you give it time to cool off.
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#13
kwikphilly

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Blessings Purple Dee

    I just wanted to add something ,after reading your response.....................I don't know any details,& certainly do not need to but I am wondering how old your little girl is?It is funny ,children bounce back & do not harbor resentments,carry bitterness or even hang on to hurt as we do,they  forgive so much easier than we do & are just so very Blessed,this is why we can learn so much from them-lo

    Purple Dee,though your daughter has been wounded & hurt by someone ,your love & compassion will help her to heal and by our Lord Stripe those wounds do not have to turn into emotional scars.......have you ever banged your knee real hard,where it actually bled ,bruised,swelled up & hurt for weeks?And then a couple of months later,no scar....before you know it,you may even forget which knee it is!Glory to God!The same way our Lord has made it possible that our bodies can heal that way (because He loves us so much)....He also gave us Moms,to heal our emotional wounds by the love only a mother can give...................... I believe your little girl will be just fine....because you love her

      I am so sorry that some people have not given you the support & encouragement that you should be shown but they need your prayers.......I do not know what your relationship is or was with this person but you need never feel shame in making any decision that you feel is best for you & your child,she is your first priority & responsibility .Just pray for the Lord to direct your path & sometimes He will have us leave relationships & that has nothing to do with forgiveness.I left a marriage,an abusive relationship and never looked back....I have no bitterness or resentment & because of Christ in me,forgiveness came easily.The Lord held my hand every step of the way & every step lead away from the man & the relationship,,,,,,,the only ones approval we must seek is from God,,,,,,,,,

      We don't always FEEL fireworks & spiritual guidance with anything grand & explosive-lol     We have to listen to that STILL,SMALL,VOICE and know what we know by reading His Word & developing an intimate relationship with our Lord,through earnestly seeking Him,prayer,praise,worship and following the footsteps of his Flock,He tells us they will lead..............to our Shepherds tent

      God bless you,yes indeed....the Lord has lead you here to His little Flock

                                                                                                                                                                      With love-in Christ,Kwik


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#14
pawz

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seeing this post, the question put,  has brought to mind a time when, as a fairly new Christian, I decided I must  forgive my mum for the misery of what was my childhood.She suffered from schizophrenia, but I did not have a medical name for what ailed her at that time. Anyway. I phoned her up one evening, feeling a bit 'holy' I suppose because I knew it was what I ought to do as a child of God, and anyway, it was all in the past and it would be nice to move on and build bridges. When I got to the 'I forgive you mum' bit, she said  'what for? I haven't done anything wrong!' I was speechless and devastated - an entire childhood of pain, loneliness and confusion, and she didn't DO anything?! What ever lesson I was to learn from that exchange, I realised very quickly that there is more to 'forgiveness' than saying the words. It should not  depend on the other person acknowledging they had done wrong, it should be something you give, freely, without any requirements. Then you know it really IS unqualified, from-the-heart forgiveness. She is dead now, and I pray that when we meet again, all the bad will be gone, and I will see her as the beautiful person the Lord  intended her to be, and we will embrace and sit and natter and laugh about  things like two teenage friends..


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#15
Rustyangel

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Forgiving and forgetting are very different. You can forgive but can't forget because everyday you see him or her you remember what he or she has done to you and that is when we need God strength in handling the angry and pain that comes with part that you can forget what he or he did to you and with prayer God will give you the grace to handle your frustration and in time it will be okay just like a hot red iron that get so cold like ice when you give it time to cool off.

Forgiveness has always been about ourselves.  When we forgive we are set free from the very act that has bound your transgressor.  We are to pray for those who hurt us, but in the end it will be us who wins the freedom. 

 

Because He Lives! Rustyangel.


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#16
PurpleDee

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Hey. I am blown away by some of these replies.
I have come to realize that this desire I have for a "big bang" of a moment that drives home the message that I have forgiven is perhaps an expectation of our world. I want fireworks. I want that stamp of approval saying... You did it, you've forgiven him! Congratulations!
Not going to happen is it?

. I phoned her up one evening, feeling a bit 'holy' I suppose because I knew it was what I ought to do as a child of God, and anyway, it was all in the past and it would be nice to move on and build bridges. When I got to the 'I forgive you mum' bit, she said  'what for? I haven't done anything wrong!' I was speechless and devastated - an entire childhood of pain, loneliness and confusion, and she didn't DO anything?!

Made me tears, and made me give thanks that you got this, it isn't about the other person acknowledging it, and if they never do, we still need to forgive. I do see you laughing and enjoying your mom the way The Lord intended

The human side of me wants retribution, wants admission of guilt, wants some judgement now. I know that the only judgement that really matters will come much later, but still...

I think I've forgiven. I have trouble in overthinking everything, really everything, so although there hasn't been any fireworks, I don't wish him bad things. I don't wish home harm, or even jail, just better health mentally and physically.
The never was a Big Bang was there? Guess there won't be one now.
D


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#17
Thomas_K

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I think forgiveness is a choice. Even if the consequence(s) of what happened still is present, you can choose to allow it to continue to hurt you. And you know if you are free from the hurt if you have happiness and peace in spite of it all. This is where God steps in and acts like a magnet, absorbing all the negative so we don't have to bare the weight. We have to decide that we want to let go though and open that door for God to lend a hand.


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#18
Adjefrica

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I think its all in the willingness to forgive.  Go to God.  Let Him know your true feeling.  Say something like this, I hate what he/she did, I do not like the hurt that this person caused, God if it were up to me I would not forgive them, but I know it is not up to me and because you love and forgave me, I give you this whole stinking situation.  I am tired of it all anyway.  If you want me to forgive, I confess, I cannot do it.  I am willing however, to let You do it through me.  Today, I give it  to you and ask that you do what needs to be done.  And, if you want me to love this person, I will be your pawn.  Love and forgive them through me.  Replace these awful feelings with your peace and love.  Thank-you Lord for taking over this problem.  I will no longer worry about it because it belongs to you now.  Thank-you for the release.

The words do not have to be exactly like that.  Just be real with the Lord.  He knows how you feel anyway.  No sense in hiding it.  You have nothing to loose but everything to gain......His peace!

God bless you in this situation!


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#19
Hobbes

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I believe Jesus addressed the necessity to forgive to show our need to rely on Him to help us to forgive by that prayer He had taught His disciples into saying.

 

Matthew 6:9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. 10 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. 11 Give us this day our daily bread.

12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. 13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.

 

It was after teaching this prayer, Jesus had said this:

 

14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

 

So then the typical flesh response is to see how heavy the burden is on us to forgive or else we will not be forgiven, but then He led me to recall that prayer again when I was having trouble forgiving my enemies.  That part in the prayer, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil," is akin to trusting Him to lead our thoughts and our emotions away from the devil trying to rehash past offenses to get a hold on our anger to have wrath & malice in our heart.

 

It is on us to trust Him to do this because of this part in the prayer;  "For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever."  with the "Amen" meaning "So be it".

 

Jesus concluding that prayer for the necessity for us to forgive is indicative for the purpose of that prayer in submitting to God for help when we find ourselves in a need to forgive even our enemies.


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#20
jmlusa2000

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Forgiving and forgetting are very different. You can forgive but can't forget because everyday you see him or her you remember what he or she has done to you and that is when we need God strength in handling the angry and pain that comes with part that you can forget what he or he did to you and with prayer God will give you the grace to handle your frustration and in time it will be okay just like a hot red iron that get so cold like ice when you give it time to cool off.

Forgiveness has always been about ourselves.  When we forgive we are set free from the very act that has bound your transgressor.  We are to pray for those who hurt us, but in the end it will be us who wins the freedom. 

 

Because He Lives! Rustyangel

 

I agree here. :)


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