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  • Posts

    • The daughter of Babylon
      That's only if one is interpreting Revelation in a dispensationalist manner.
    • Eleven glorious years of loving Jesus
      PART TWO So where did I go after my faith crumbled? At first I'd gone nowhere. It was only after some time had passed that I started seeking God on my own. Besides, I was a student, and I needed to study, and so that's what I did, mostly. But life was hard. Because all these had happened more than ten years ago, I cannot really remember the chronology of the events in my life during this dark period. All I have in my mind are random flashes of memory that have lingered up to this present time, and some random thoughts also—some of the things that I had thought about my life back then. Therefore, I'm not going to write a chronological account. Instead, in this second part of my testimony, I will describe more who I was and what my life was like after I lost most of my faith. The materials are arranged topically.
      My Identity Crisis "Why am I like this? Why am I not like them?" These were the questions that had plagued me in regard to my identity as a person. Perhaps I was already asking these when I was still in highschool, but when I attended college—away from my family, without friends and without love, and surrounded by many students coming from different places in the country (a few of them being as popular as movie stars)—these questions had gathered great force. Like I said, I was a nerd, a loner, an eccentric obsessed with reading and old songs, and a romantic. And a frustrated musician too. Dreaming of becoming a rock star (what teenager does not?), I played the guitar, but I was not good at it, and I could not really sing. Furthermore, to make the situation worse, I also didn't care much about fashion and popular culture (I still do not). I dressed simply, and sometimes even badly. I was, in short, a strange provincial boy in that university of mostly cool people—lonely, and in pain. But the above is nothing compared to my struggles inside. Because of the depths of my mind and heart, I truly felt like I was an old man in a boy's body. Even when I was in the company of my classmates and peers, I could not relate them, not really. I simply did not belong. And so the questions kept coming, "Why am I like this? Why am I not like them?"
      The Abyss of My Emotional Needs Most of the times now, I forget that I am still much different from most people, including my own siblings in the Lord. I forget that there are still missings things in my life: like true love, true friends, and true closeness with the members of family, especially my parents. I forget because Jesus has already filled up the void caused by these missing things. But sometimes I am reminded of them—the missing things—especially when I am rejected yet again by people whom I thought are going to be my friends. Because like before, I'm still much different; however, unlike before, I know that this time my difference is caused by my new identity in Christ, and also by the light that is in me. Nevertheless, the rejection still hurts, and I am reminded of the many rejections I experienced in the past, caused not only by my difference, but also by the abyss of emotional needs that people saw in me. There is no need to expound more on the reasons for that abyss. But I do want to describe it: there was indeed that vast feeling of emptiness in me. A yawning chasm of need... the need to be loved... the need to be accepted... the need to be filled. And because I never really knew God... and because my faith in him during that time was in ruins... I was therefore looking at people (specifically, the girls whom I offered my love to) to fill up that chasm of need. It is no wonder why those girls ran away from me. I would too, if I'd been in their place.
      My Sinful Nature Before I am saved, I was sinful like everybody else. These are the highlights: I was a young man filled with lust, and I'd been a slave to masturbation and pornography. I was filled with pride and ambition because of my intelligence. And I had a bad temper; when aroused, my anger was ugly to see. And now that I am saved, I still sin, but not too much now. I am growing, and I'm learning better self-control.
      My Heavy Burdens I was a special child, good in school, and so my parents had pinned their hopes on me. As I mentioned before, we are only lower-middle-class, and they saw me as their way out to a better life. And because of my pride and my love for them, I was arrogant enough to carry those hopes. In addition to that, I had also placed a heavy burden on myself—my own ambitions. However, I was not in our city anymore, but in a national university, and my level of intelligence was commonplace. In fact, there were students who are far more intelligent than me (and I felt bad about that). Also, as I mentioned, the degree I was taking was inappropriate for me. But fool that I was, I refused to accept reality, and I refused to change course (I could have shifted to another degree). And so my hell on school continued.
      So there you have it, a clear picture of who I was and what my life was like before I come to know God. In the next part of my testimony, I'll talk about the search that I'd done. Jesus said, "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened." (Matthew 7:7-8 ESV) And because God is faithful... I found him.
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      Roll On Floor Laughing
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