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please advise my friends on this practicsl MARRIAGE issue

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I have two friends and both are christians. One, a sister, God-fearing who has been trusting God for marriage partner. The second friend also is a believer, a brother who is looking up to God for a wife. Both eventually went to their church leaders handling marriage issue to declare how God is leading them to marry eachother. The brother claimed to have God's assurance and conviction on this matter and likewise the sister. The only problem according to the brother is that physically speaking, he does not like, neither admire the sister. The brother is always shameful, sees dryness and unhappy whenever he is with the sister and it appears that he does not have love for her. This brother seems not to have the same eagerness Jacob had in the Bible that made him to labour for that long years because of love he had for his wife. The only thing that is making the brother to still believe the leading is because of the similarities he saw in the way God leads him in the job he is doing and this present marriage issue. On the side of the sister, she is not aware of the problem the brother is having. This my brother needs you to advise him on what to do. At the same time, counsel me please so that I can advise the sister. I am just an intermediary between them.

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What God has brought together let no man get in the way of. I am sure that if He has led them to each other it is because He has a plan. Not all marriages start off with love...most start with lust and not much more, and even worse without God involved at all...so this union is still at a much better start than many.

Love grows as two people commit to a life together.

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Tell the brother to do NOTHING until or unless he desires her completely. If that doesn't happen, walk away. There is nothing wrong with doing that (walking away). Why rush to get married with this black cloud looming overhead? Keep dating and observe any change.

Marriage should be for a lifetime and should not be entered into with big obstacles in the way. That is a big obstacle.

My advice may not be respected by all, but it comes out of a lifetime of both Christian and legal experience.

Disclaimer: you or anyone won't hurt my feelings if you disagree or don't take my advice. I give it freely and expect nothing back in return, nothing.

Spock out

PS. I just noticed you asked about counseling the sister as well. She should not be deceived here. You must Tell her the truth. Maybe this will change her feelings too. I consider this very IMPORTANT that you not deceive her.

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I agree that the sister needs to know the brother's lack of feeling for her. Not knowing this will lead her to heartbreak after heartbreak should they get married.

 

To the brother, if his heart is not open to her, what does he want of her? Will he lay down his life, his pride, his ministry, his job, his everything for her - as Christ loved the Church? If he doesn't love her more than his needs and desires, he's starting out in the wrong spirit. If his desire is not towards her, then his desire to marry her is self-serving. The first act of love would be to tell her the truth. If she believes he has desires for her when she does not, then he is deceiving her, and deceit is not love.

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if he doesnt love her then maybe its not Gods will-at least not yet. Theres no rush to get married, no sense hurring into a relationship that may end up being wrong.

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Yes I agree what is the rush.  Is one pushing the other to marry quickly? 

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  The sister needs to know how the brother feels, however it needs to be the brother who tells her.    Also their pastor needs to know and it really doesn't matter who tells him/her.

 

If you stuck me into the situation I'd go speak to their pastor and maybe he can tell the brother to be open with the sister.

Whatever the case, they need to understand that if they can't be open with each other, their marriage is doomed from the start.

The Bible tells us that we should love our wives, however it really doesn't say that we have to like them....   I do happen to like my wife......   well most of the time I do, but i really didn't love her when we first got married.....   I thought I did, but until we lived together for several years I really didn't understand what Love was.    The brother may follow the same path but it's not guaranteed.

 

This would not be any problem at all in the past, for we,, in a lot of cases,, didn't pick out our own wives.   They were arranged, and it seemed to work itself out.        

I think I agree with BFP in that most marriages start with lust on the male side and that's probably the worst reason to get married.

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I don't think it is your place to tell this lady how her fiancée really feels, but I would strongly advise that no marriage take place unless this guy is really in love with the woman he is planning to marry.  It will likely lead to heart ache down the road.  I would advise him to take his time and spend time in prayer making sure this marriage is really the will of God.  If it is really God's will, there is no reason to believe that God can't cause him to fall in love with her before they marry. 

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Thank you all. I am really gaining. God bless you.

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What are their ages? God isn't going to put two people together that have no chemistry. It's foolish to claim that God is leading a man to marry a woman the man doesn't like or admire. My best advice is not to marry, find a hobby instead. When you find the right person, you just know it. You don't need to ask a church leader.

 

What did the church leader tell them?

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The church leaders are more concerned about GOD'S WILL because both claimed to have been led to eachother but the problem is with the brother because he does not admire the sister and he has no inward love for her though he claimed to have seen some similarities between how he was led in the past and the present marriage matter

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how many times has the brother been married before? I think at a certain point you should give it up :)

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The church leaders are more concerned about GOD'S WILL because both claimed to have been led to eachother but the problem is with the brother because he does not admire the sister and he has no inward love for her though he claimed to have seen some similarities between how he was led in the past and the present marriage matter

The other brothers have given some good advice, particularly that the man MUST be open and honest about his feelings (or lack thereof!). He needs to be kind and sensitive about how he presents it (in love), but he has to be real and not try to fake it til he makes it! The man needs to read Song of Solomon a few times, then pray and ask the Lord if he can give this woman at least some measure of passion and affections that he sees portrayed there. It is good not to stir up physical passions until after the vows, but there ought to be at least a little foretaste of that glory!! One cannot base a marriage on physical attractions, but the scripture is certainly not silent about it, so neither should the counsel that the couple receives! You ignore the full aspects of marriage at your own risk. One cannot get hyper-spiritual and act like there is absolutely nothing to romance and affections, neither make it everything. The fact that they have spiritual things in common is good, but may not indicate that they are meant to be married.

Thanks for being a good friend to them, Andy

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Did everyone overlook the part that both felt like God has brought them together. think upon, Moses refused God said he couldn't give a good speech, Jonah run from God and the people God was wanting him to minister to. Ever been in a church, that you felt like God wanted you there but at first you felt like a fish out of water, but you hung in there and everything worked out?

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Did everyone overlook the part that both felt like God has brought them together. think upon, Moses refused God said he couldn't give a good speech, Jonah run from God and the people God was wanting him to minister to. Ever been in a church, that you felt like God wanted you there but at first you felt like a fish out of water, but you hung in there and everything worked out?

Thank you! I was trying to say this...I have a cousin who met and married a man brought to her by God twenty five years ago. I was at thier wedding...thought it was insane! Her husband actually got up and said to everyone " I am marrying ------ because God brought her to me to be my help meet, not because I love her". And there was more. I was so angry about this loveless union at the time...but wow, to see what God has brought them too now! They are so much in love with each other and God! God came first in thier marriage from the beginning and it shows! Don't ever disobey something that is lead by God ever... Blessing flows from obedience. Tell your friend that! Man knows nothing about love...but God does have a plan

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Did everyone overlook the part that both felt like God has brought them together.

Yeah but we need to check the Word.

 

It is taboo to fall in love in Muslim countries before the wedding! And they have a lower divorce than rate than us Westerners. It does work. However, I'm a fairly liberal Christian but I wonder if they are both free to marry (again?) I believe God want's us to stay together if that is possible. We can get through anything with God's help.

 

Does "brother" love and respect other women? How many time has he been married before? Does he respect ANY woman?

 

Unless their relationship matches up with the Word, then God simply isn't talking to them. We have "fornication" (Mat. 19:9)  (however you narrowly or liberally) define it, and those they are unbelievers (1 Cor 7:15). In these cases it is o.k. to remarry.

 

Even if they have never married, I don't see how now would be the time. You shouldn't get married until you are 35. :happyhappy: Why would she marry a guy who didn't respect her? She would do better throwing darts at an American Most Wanted Poster.

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What a good and golden opportunity to have people of help in a life matter that pattains to a future and eternity. This assertion is hinged on the fact that marriage either makes or mars us. I pray that through marriage our lives will not be destroyed.

I quite appreciate sincerely all the people who contributed so far to this topic and discussion. God will be there to help you in time of need.

Of a truth, I am a man who thinks a lot about what will be the lot of sisters who seems not to be attractive but spiritual. And going by the word of God especially as related to Jacob, Issac, Abraham, and others they have wives they all appreciated and admired and in passionate love with.

About these two brethren we are discussing, both the sister and brother are almost over-due for marriage. None of them has ever been married before and they believe that God would give them each a life-partner they will love to live it. But now it is occuring that the sister has seen the will of God and ready to settle for it; the brother also has seen the will of God as said earlier but afraid to settle for it because he does not have love for her as he is not been attracted to her appearance and styles.

The question is this: is it safe for the brother to continue with this situation of NO love, affection and admiration for the sister? Is it all-okay for both to proceed simply because they claimed to be led to eachother? Is it right to simply say that lack of love and admiration means that it is not God's will? If it is God's will, then when is this love and admiration going to erupt? Hope this love eruption is not going to be too late after marriage. Can one just close eyes and terminate a relationship like this and start all-afresh?

Please I am still counting on your comments and contributions on this real life issue prayerfully and scripturally. Thanks

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What a good and golden opportunity to have people of help in a life matter that pattains to a future and eternity. This assertion is hinged on the fact that marriage either makes or mars us. I pray that through marriage our lives will not be destroyed.

I quite appreciate sincerely all the people who contributed so far to this topic and discussion. God will be there to help you in time of need.

Of a truth, I am a man who thinks a lot about what will be the lot of sisters who seems not to be attractive but spiritual. And going by the word of God especially as related to Jacob, Issac, Abraham, and others they have wives they all appreciated and admired and in passionate love with.

About these two brethren we are discussing, both the sister and brother are almost over-due for marriage. None of them has ever been married before and they believe that God would give them each a life-partner they will love to live it. But now it is occuring that the sister has seen the will of God and ready to settle for it; the brother also has seen the will of God as said earlier but afraid to settle for it because he does not have love for her as he is not been attracted to her appearance and styles.

The question is this: is it safe for the brother to continue with this situation of NO love, affection and admiration for the sister? Is it all-okay for both to proceed simply because they claimed to be led to eachother? Is it right to simply say that lack of love and admiration means that it is not God's will? If it is God's will, then when is this love and admiration going to erupt? Hope this love eruption is not going to be too late after marriage. Can one just close eyes and terminate a relationship like this and start all-afresh?

Please I am still counting on your comments and contributions on this real life issue prayerfully and scripturally. Thanks

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Did everyone overlook the part that both felt like God has brought them together. think upon, Moses refused God said he couldn't give a good speech, Jonah run from God and the people God was wanting him to minister to. Ever been in a church, that you felt like God wanted you there but at first you felt like a fish out of water, but you hung in there and everything worked out?

 

I won't contest that, but the problem here is that they "brother" is not being open and honest with "the sister" about his lack of feeling towards her.

 

If he is able to be open and honest with her that he has no affection and no adoration for her and she still wants to marry him because she believes this is God's will for them, then we have to hope and trust that they are hearing correctly.

 

But if that openness and honesty isn't there, then they are setting themselves up for a world of hurt.

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Did everyone overlook the part that both felt like God has brought them together. think upon, Moses refused God said he couldn't give a good speech, Jonah run from God and the people God was wanting him to minister to. Ever been in a church, that you felt like God wanted you there but at first you felt like a fish out of water, but you hung in there and everything worked out?

Thank you! I was trying to say this...I have a cousin who met and married a man brought to her by God twenty five years ago. I was at thier wedding...thought it was insane! Her husband actually got up and said to everyone " I am marrying ------ because God brought her to me to be my help meet, not because I love her". And there was more. I was so angry about this loveless union at the time...but wow, to see what God has brought them too now! They are so much in love with each other and God! God came first in thier marriage from the beginning and it shows! Don't ever disobey something that is lead by God ever... Blessing flows from obedience. Tell your friend that! Man knows nothing about love...but God does have a plan

 

As I stated above, the difference here is that this "brother" is not being honest about his lack of love. According to the report, this "brother" does not even admire her. Would you not agree that he should tell her these things before they move forward?

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The question is this: is it safe for the brother to continue with this situation of NO love, affection and admiration for the sister? Is it all-okay for both to proceed simply because they claimed to be led to eachother? Is it right to simply say that lack of love and admiration means that it is not God's will? If it is God's will, then when is this love and admiration going to erupt? Hope this love eruption is not going to be too late after marriage. Can one just close eyes and terminate a relationship like this and start all-afresh?

 

I understand how you feel, but it is their lives and their choices to make.

 

As I stated in the above two posts, the major crux here is about his lack of his honesty with her.

 

Not being married myself until I was 42 years old, I know how painful singleness and waiting is. Even still, I caution against rushing into things before they are ready. Until he is able to be honest with her, he is not ready. As Other One mentioned, lack of openness and honesty is a doom to the marriage before it even had a chance to start.

 

He can argue that love is more about committment than feelings. True. But it is not loving by any definition to be withholding the truth of his heart to her.

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Thank you very very much nebula. You are a blessing to this discussion. I equally appreciate others' contributions too. God bless you all.

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Marriage, above all, is about commitment. I mean, do we all really wake up every morning filled with love and admiration for the person we are married to? I don't know about you all, but I have been through many dry times in my own marriage that I don't feel any of that. Once, for months. It was a long ordeal, but in faith, and because I had committed to this man, and God, in front of witnesses, I stayed. Sometimes asking The Lord to guard me and keep me from wrong. Some days during that period I woke up in the morning with this prayer "Father, today just help me put one foot in front of the other, to show love in action even though I am not feeling it"

But above all I knew in my heart that God had brought us together, and sometimes it means work. Other times we are on cloud nine and soaring with feelings of love for each other. But the most important is that we are both committed to our relationship even when we are wondering what it's all for, and we feel like throwing in the towel.

During the times I have wanted to throw in the towel I have prayed and asked The Lord to show me again why I love him, what is admirable about him. See the glass as half full, not half empty.

And I also have to say this...the first fifteen years of our marriage was not easy on either of us, but we knew that we had both committed to God first, and each other, and took that very seriously. It was the glue that held us together. If not for my faith I would have left my marriage, I'm sure.

My husband, on the other hand, was not a Christian back then, but he also knew that he had made a commitment and with commitment comes sacrifice.

We have been together 23 years now, and our relationship is very solid and true today. We have both learned that "feelings" can be dangerous things at times. And more often than not, love is much more action than feeling.

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Thank you very much bfp. I have drunk from your cup of wealth full of experiences. The best adviser is the one who has experience along the path of his advice.

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In Bible days all marriages were arranged by parents. Jewish women could turn down a proposal by not drinking of a cup, as I understand it. But as said above, marriage is all about committment. We all must work at making a good marriage. But the commitment has to be to God first and then to the spouse.

But I am disturbed that he has no peace about the marriage. We are told to let the peace of God rule (act as an umpire) in our hearts. Col. 3:15 If this is not fear of committment, as many men experience, then he should pray a lot more about this. Communication is also a big part of marriage, and if he cannot tell her that he has doubts, that is also a very bad sign. If he is having doubts, she may also have them and they need to discuss them. Physical attraction is a big part of marriage, but committment and communication are even bigger. But men are likely to be focused on outward beauty, which fades in time. If that is all the marriage is about, it won't last. Godly women are adorned with a gentle and quiet spirit. Godly love is puts her needs above his own, and vice versa. It wants what is best for the other person. There are women that husbands find attractive who are down right ugly. But they have an inward glow or a very winsom personality so they find them to be beautiful and are attracted to them. If he sees no beauty in her something is really wrong.

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