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Marriage advice

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#21
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I have been kind, loving, gentle, patient, considerate, etc. I am 35 she is 27. I have been married for 7+ years. I have a 6, 4, 1 year old. My wife and I have had a contentious relationship. She filed for divorce 3 months ago. She wants a divorce no matter what. She doesn't serve God. I love her, but she doesn't seem to want to love me, even though she says she does. I feel like there may be hope, but only because she might "need" me financially, and only if accept all blame and submit to her and support her in everything. Do I let her go?



Ok there are a few problems I see. One you are 8 years older than your wife. People may not see that as a problem but when you have been married for 7 years it can be a considerable one. You had a chance to grow up, your wife didn't. This is very difficult and your wife may feel that she may have missed her chance to grow up. My wife and I have been married for 9 1/2 years. We are closer in age, and have grown up together. We have had our issues, many of them, but I will say that we both were young and have had a chance to mature together.

I also notice you saying how good you have been to your wife. I have often said these same things when my wife and I have issues, but know deep inside I can do better. I'm not saying that you are not a good husband, but you can always be a better husband. A few questions. Is your wife a stay at home mother? Does she go to school? Where is her family? Where is yours? I would take other ones suggestion and sit down with your wife. Find out what her issues are. Take her out to dinner somewhere quiet for privacy, but public so she doesnt feel cornered. Let her know that you love her, and that it your desire to grow old with her. Sometimes women want to feel just as needed as men do.

#22
GoldenEagle

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Do seek Gods direction through prayer and fasting. Claiming to be a Christian, you know what scripture tells you.


Good advice. :thumbsup:

Hello from your brother in Oregon. I'm not familiar with Washington's divorce laws but the probably will allow it for just about any reason. But you certainly can contest it when it goes to court. You can also concentrate on being the best father you can be and the best person you can be during the whole process. It will do no good to attempt to force her to be a Christian. My wife and I have been married for 42+ years. About half-way through our marriage (we are both Believers) I came home from work one day and found a note on the kitchen table from her stating she had decided to leave me. She took our five children and returned to a city where we used to live. She had no Scriptural justification for a divorce. I was devastated. But I just continued to do what I needed to do to take care of myself and didn't hear from her for months. After 15 months she returned to me. She said God told her to come back. I think patience is your best bet. She's going to do what she wants to do. You need to concentrate on being a good father and doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Those things may just make you attractive to her once again. If she should return don't lay a guilt trip on her, make her feel guilty or pressure her to be a Believer. Just show the love of Jesus toward her and leave the rest up to God.


This is also good advice in bold. ;) Patiecne and prayer are the best for this kind of situation. What a good testimony of enduring in love His Ambassador!

messiahfollower are you part of a local church? Can you get with a support group (Celebrate Recovery) or speak to a counselor? You are not alone brother! Praying for you and you're wife. :mgcheerful:

#23
gdemoss

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Messiahfollower, we need always to continue to grow in Christ and put our faith in him and not our selves. Love never fails. Our jobs as husbands are to love our wives as Christ loved the church which is a phenomenally difficult in practice, especially when they are not doing their part. Christs love for us never failed but we can fail the love of Christ. Sometimes love is not received nor believed but if you have loved you have succeeded regardless of the outcome. Christ gave himself for all, yet some will end up in Hell.

I feel your pain because I am going through the same with my own wife. It is as Cobalt wrote, both sides must be willing or it won't work. Christ is teacher but we must be disciples who follow. A man is the leader but the family must choose to follow. The hardest part about being a Christian is allowing others to submit when they are ready to do so instead of taking charge and exercising lordship over those we have been given to serve. But when I consider my relationship with Christ, who never made me do anything but simply showed/told me what was right and wrong, I know it worked for me and it is the best way, though it be very painful to be tenderhearted and patiently wait to see if others will repent and follow him too. Just keep leading, she may end up following but first and foremost exercise yourself unto godliness which is profitable for all things.

Peace be with you in your journey


Hello from your brother in Oregon. I'm not familiar with Washington's divorce laws but the probably will allow it for just about any reason. But you certainly can contest it when it goes to court. You can also concentrate on being the best father you can be and the best person you can be during the whole process. It will do no good to attempt to force her to be a Christian. My wife and I have been married for 42+ years. About half-way through our marriage (we are both Believers) I came home from work one day and found a note on the kitchen table from her stating she had decided to leave me. She took our five children and returned to a city where we used to live. She had no Scriptural justification for a divorce. I was devastated. But I just continued to do what I needed to do to take care of myself and didn't hear from her for months. After 15 months she returned to me. She said God told her to come back. I think patience is your best bet. She's going to do what she wants to do. You need to concentrate on being a good father and doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Those things may just make you attractive to her once again. If she should return don't lay a guilt trip on her, make her feel guilty or pressure her to be a Believer. Just show the love of Jesus toward her and leave the rest up to God.


Thank you for this testimony. I find it to be inspiring.

Gary

#24
messiahfollower

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Hello from your brother in Oregon. I'm not familiar with Washington's divorce laws but the probably will allow it for just about any reason. But you certainly can contest it when it goes to court. You can also concentrate on being the best father you can be and the best person you can be during the whole process. It will do no good to attempt to force her to be a Christian. My wife and I have been married for 42+ years. About half-way through our marriage (we are both Believers) I came home from work one day and found a note on the kitchen table from her stating she had decided to leave me. She took our five children and returned to a city where we used to live. She had no Scriptural justification for a divorce. I was devastated. But I just continued to do what I needed to do to take care of myself and didn't hear from her for months. After 15 months she returned to me. She said God told her to come back. I think patience is your best bet. She's going to do what she wants to do. You need to concentrate on being a good father and doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Those things may just make you attractive to her once again. If she should return don't lay a guilt trip on her, make her feel guilty or pressure her to be a Believer. Just show the love of Jesus toward her and leave the rest up to God.

Thank you very much for your encouragement. I believe and receive this counsel.

#25
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Do seek Gods direction through prayer and fasting. Claiming to be a Christian, you know what scripture tells you.


Good advice. :thumbsup:

Hello from your brother in Oregon. I'm not familiar with Washington's divorce laws but the probably will allow it for just about any reason. But you certainly can contest it when it goes to court. You can also concentrate on being the best father you can be and the best person you can be during the whole process. It will do no good to attempt to force her to be a Christian. My wife and I have been married for 42+ years. About half-way through our marriage (we are both Believers) I came home from work one day and found a note on the kitchen table from her stating she had decided to leave me. She took our five children and returned to a city where we used to live. She had no Scriptural justification for a divorce. I was devastated. But I just continued to do what I needed to do to take care of myself and didn't hear from her for months. After 15 months she returned to me. She said God told her to come back. I think patience is your best bet. She's going to do what she wants to do. You need to concentrate on being a good father and doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Those things may just make you attractive to her once again. If she should return don't lay a guilt trip on her, make her feel guilty or pressure her to be a Believer. Just show the love of Jesus toward her and leave the rest up to God.


This is also good advice in bold. ;) Patiecne and prayer are the best for this kind of situation. What a good testimony of enduring in love His Ambassador!

messiahfollower are you part of a local church? Can you get with a support group (Celebrate Recovery) or speak to a counselor? You are not alone brother! Praying for you and you're wife. :mgcheerful:

Yes, I have other believers encouraging me to just give everything to God and keep a strong heart. It is painful and difficult, but I am learning that gives His grace abundantly.

#26
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messiahfollower,

i have read the posts. a couple of weeks have gone by, and i don't know how things have progressed for you. i have some extensive studying and writing regarding your challenge. i have much to say, but to say it briefly...well. to do that would make the issue trite, i fear. marriage has a fourfold purpose. 1-systemic, or functional 2-sacramental 3-symbolic 4-sanctifying. i can break these up for you if you would like. but these four things take a lot of mental and physical strength even between two willing believers, let alone in a marriage where there is no spiritual equality. you cannot actual begin to feel complete in a marriage like yours, because you are spending so much time trying to please your wife.

women really do need to talk. you can be so perfect in every area, but if you have poor communication, you will see little progress. has see actually mentioned why she is so discontent?

understand that the very spirit in you may be the thing repelling her. the spirit looking at you from within her hates the spirit in you. that does not mean SHE hates you. you are being sanctified through your trials, whether she stays or whether she goes. push through your pain. this challenge is temporary. keep focused on the eternal. i know your marriage is very important to you. it should be. but it should not be your center, nor your anchor. this should be Christ. He redeemed you. you are wanted, and loved. whatever happens, let this be your peace!

if she leaves, and you divorce, and the body of Christ shuns you or distances themselves from you, do not grieve. just move closer to the Lord. you don't even have to hold on tightly to Him. He has you in HIs hand. do not fear. go to your watchtower, pray, and tarry there.

you are blessed,
scargirl

#27
messiahfollower

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messiahfollower,

i have read the posts. a couple of weeks have gone by, and i don't know how things have progressed for you. i have some extensive studying and writing regarding your challenge. i have much to say, but to say it briefly...well. to do that would make the issue trite, i fear. marriage has a fourfold purpose. 1-systemic, or functional 2-sacramental 3-symbolic 4-sanctifying. i can break these up for you if you would like. but these four things take a lot of mental and physical strength even between two willing believers, let alone in a marriage where there is no spiritual equality. you cannot actual begin to feel complete in a marriage like yours, because you are spending so much time trying to please your wife.

women really do need to talk. you can be so perfect in every area, but if you have poor communication, you will see little progress. has see actually mentioned why she is so discontent?

understand that the very spirit in you may be the thing repelling her. the spirit looking at you from within her hates the spirit in you. that does not mean SHE hates you. you are being sanctified through your trials, whether she stays or whether she goes. push through your pain. this challenge is temporary. keep focused on the eternal. i know your marriage is very important to you. it should be. but it should not be your center, nor your anchor. this should be Christ. He redeemed you. you are wanted, and loved. whatever happens, let this be your peace!

if she leaves, and you divorce, and the body of Christ shuns you or distances themselves from you, do not grieve. just move closer to the Lord. you don't even have to hold on tightly to Him. He has you in HIs hand. do not fear. go to your watchtower, pray, and tarry there.

you are blessed,
scargirl

Thank you so much. You're right, God holds me. I needed these words right now.

#28
DLANE

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12To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.

 

1 Corinthians 7:12-15



#29
LadyKay

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Have you asked her why? Is she bord? Has she falling in love with someone else? Does she just not want to be married anymore? Does she feel her needs are not being met? Before anything else I would ask her why?



#30
Butero

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I have been kind, loving, gentle, patient, considerate, etc. I am 35 she is 27. I have been married for 7+ years. I have a 6, 4, 1 year old. My wife and I have had a contentious relationship. She filed for divorce 3 months ago. She wants a divorce no matter what. She doesn't serve God. I love her, but she doesn't seem to want to love me, even though she says she does. I feel like there may be hope, but only because she might "need" me financially, and only if accept all blame and submit to her and support her in everything. Do I let her go?

It appears, LadyKay,  he knows what her issues are, based on the last sentence?  He said she might return if he, "accepts all the blame and submits to her in everything."  Accepts the blame for what?  According to 1 Corinthians, he is free in this circumstance.  He didn't throw her out.  She chose to leave, and she is an unbeliever. 



#31
LadyKay

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Accepts the blame for what?

Yes indeed. Blame for what is the question. What is she blaming you for? Seldom in a marriage is it totaly one person's fault.



#32
pd55

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I have been kind, loving, gentle, patient, considerate, etc. I am 35 she is 27. I have been married for 7+ years. I have a 6, 4, 1 year old. My wife and I have had a contentious relationship. She filed for divorce 3 months ago. She wants a divorce no matter what. She doesn't serve God. I love her, but she doesn't seem to want to love me, even though she says she does. I feel like there may be hope, but only because she might "need" me financially, and only if accept all blame and submit to her and support her in everything. Do I let her go?

 

Hi,

How are you now and your family?  It's a long time since you posted your problem on this forum but I got to see it right now ! Probably, God's timing :) Hope by now your marital issue is solved and you both are living happily together. If yes, or even if not, I would recommend you get this e-book from Amazon called A Marriage that is Strong Until Death by Edith Paul and both of you read it together. It's worth a read and your marriage will be blessed. It's not expensive. If you have other friends in the same boat with marital problems, you must recommend this book. It is based totally on scripture. It will give you a Godly view of marriage ! Wishing you a happy relationship with your wife. The Lord bless you.



#33
pd55

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Then you have to ask what Jesus expects of you as a husband...... Hint: he told us through Paul that we are to love them as he loved the church.


Hummmm. lets see..... what was it that he did. Gave up being a God to be incarnated into a human body and live as a man........ then suffer rejection, beatings and finally death in a really ugly way....... all for his church (that's us).

So tell me are you willing to give that to your wife? Have you told her so? Have you shown her enough that she would believe you? Every single person I have ever known that does that on a regular basis has a wife that would follow them over the cliff into the abyss if that's where he led her. Her part about submitting is not a big deal at all in that kind of an environment........ but outside that environment........ whoooooooeeeeeee that submit thing just doesn't work out.

You are absolutely right. When a husband sincerely and deeply loves his wife and stands by her side 'come what may' then submission by the wife to him is not an issue at all. He will receive all her love in reciprocation. That's how it is with Christ and us, the church, isn't it? It is the man who is to be in Christ and the wife will follow.






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